Better Man
by blackmoon9793
Summary: Their story was legendary; the romance and tragedy, the courage and betrayal. A classic Marauders' love story, but with a twist: James just might not be Romeo.
1. Across the Universe

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction, now would I?**

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October was beautiful. The leaves were orange but not yet coated with frost. The ground, as though preparing for the cold quickly approaching, clung to warmth for the brief twilight period after the sun set but night had not yet begun. And for those reasons it was Lily's favorite month.

It was at this time that she found herself staring out at the Black Lake, the sound of the water lapping softly against the bank aiding her meditation. She had been off all day. Alice had asked her about it over breakfast, after the post had arrived, but, bless her, she had dropped the subject after Lily had shrugged it off as nothing. That was one of the many things Lily loved about Alice.

Alice Jones was perhaps Lily's best friend She trusted her in a way she trusted no one else, the way she had once trusted her sister. It was Alice who made the day bearable; when Flitwick assigned a three foot essay, when one of the Slytherins made a particularly nasty comment, when Potter decided to stand atop the Gryffindor table at dinner and declare his undying love for her. Alice had seen her through it all.

Of course, with Alice came Frank Longbottom, her boyfriend of three years. Frank was a stout, cheerful young man known throughout Hogwarts for his good-naturedness and aptitude for Quidditch. Keeping, to be precise. With him on goal, Potter on Quaffle, and Barbury on Snitch, Gryffindor was damn near impossible to beat. Frank was the Head Boy to Alice's Head Girl; it was no wonder they were attached at the hip. It was also widely believed that they would marry upon exiting school next spring.

The thought of next June filled Lily with a sense of dread. It wasn't that she would be without company; she was popular enough, generally well liked. But the thing of it was that most of the student body were what Lily thought of as "acquaintances," people with whom she could carry on a pleasant conversation but would never share personal, private information with. Apart from Alice, the only person at Hogwarts Lily really felt she could call a friend was Marlene McKinnon, the fiery brunette who occupied the four poster bed next to hers.

And so it was with these thoughts that Lily sat staring out at the Lake, hiding, if you will, from the world and feeling, utterly, completely, hopelessly, and helplessly alone. The last purplish-orange rays of sun had faded, pulling her out of her semi-trance. Sighing, she hoisted herself off the now cooling ground, brushing dirt from the back of her robes. Turning to face the looming silhouette of the castle, yet another thought burst into her mind, like the pop of a firecracker as it reaches the peak of its flight.

She had prefect duty tonight.

Slapping her forehead, she ran to the castle, praying that no one had noticed her absence. Lily had worked out a game plan with Remus for their shifts at the beginning of fifth year; he would take the ground floor through the fourth floor, and she had the fifth through seventh floors, including the five towers.

Remus Lupin was of an odd variety. Not that he was odd personally, though he frequently did look like a nice hot meal and a nap would do him some good. He was intelligent, polite, respectful, and just a good person in general. The sort of person who was quiet as a rule but could still carry on a long, stimulating conversation if the mood suited him. Which made his decision to hang around with the unrestrainable, brutish Marauders all the more inconceivable.

By now Lily had come through the great front doors, not yet locked for the night. Huffing and panting, she had ascended the grand staircase and the three following it. She was still in Remus' territory. Sprinting down the third floor corridor, she round the corner only to find herself lying flat on her back, her shoulder throbbing from an unseen impact.

"Sweet Merlin!" came a decidedly male voice from somewhere beyond Lily's feet.

She cringed, clamping her teeth together. She was entirely too familiar with that voice. Only one voice in the whole dang school could be as arrogantly husky as Sirius Black's.

There was a shuffling, and Lily could feel him standing over her in the dark of the corridor. "Evans, what the hell were you doing running through here like you were being chased by a dementor?"

Staring straight up, she said, "I could ask you the same. Now help me up."

"I asked you first."

Lily rolled her eyes. Of the Marauders, everyone knew Peter Pettigrew was the child, but Black was definitely the most childish. "If you must know, I've got prefect duty on the upper floors. Now for once in your life could you be a gentleman and help me off this floor?"

And then there was that barking laugh signature to Black. "Are you trying to tell me that Miss Gryffindor Prefect herself is actually late?" Another bark. "Man, that's better than the joke about the goblin and the Animagus James was telling earlier."

"You're going to leave me here, aren't you?"

Lily's eyes had at that point adjusted well enough that she could see Black tilt his head to the side, staring down at her. "Actually, I quite like the view from this angle. Perhaps we should do this more often."

Sighing in a huff, Lily grabbed the leg of his pants and pulled herself to her feet.

"Easy on the goods, love."

Typical Black.

"Seriously, Black what are you up to?"

This time she could see his smirk. "Now Lily, I really don't think what I do in my private life is any of your business."

"Spill Black, or I'm taking five points from Gryffindor."

"Why Evans, turning face on your own house? I must say I'm very disappointed in you."

That faux-surprised voice could become irritating so quickly.

When she didn't respond, he added in a normal voice, "Look Evans, I'm not going to pull anything, alright? I'm just out for an evening stroll."

Lily snorted. Not likely. However, she had wasted so much time deliberating with Black that by now she must have been very, very late. "You're not going to help Peeves throw furniture from the sixth floor landing, are you?"

"Aw, Evans. You know I haven't done that since fourth year." Again with the fake voice.

"Just be back in the Gryffindor tower by the time my rounds are over."

"Done."

She watched him turn and disappear down the corridor, his footsteps surprisingly muffled.

Merlin, why did he always have to be so obnoxious?

* * *

_Well, there it is, chapter one. Hard to believe I know. This story's gonna be pretty long, though at this point I do have a general plan of where to go with it._

_The title is a reference to the Pearl Jam song, and the chapter title is after _Across the Universe_ by the Beatles. This will be a trend, you see. Some songs will reflect the chapter, some won't. It just depends on how I wanted the chapter titled. So there._

_The next chapter's already written and should be up on Friday or Saturday. It's quite fabulous, if I do say so myself, so stay tuned_

_And as always, please review! I desperately want to here what ya'll think. It's my first multchapter story, after all. Oh, and if you spot any errors while reading, please don't hesitate to tell me. I'm such a grammar freak._

_Cheers!_


	2. Drops of Jupiter

**Disclaimer: I once asked my Magic 8 ball if I owned Harry Potter. It said, "All signs point to NO."**

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As it happened, Lily was very late for her rounds. Thankfully, though, she wasn't caught by a teacher or Remus as she made her way to the fifth floor, so all was well that ended well.

It turned out to be a rather slow night; by the time Lily had finished with the seventh floor she had only had to send a group of giggling Hufflepuffs off to their common room and pull Roland Davies and Mackenzie Fawcett out from behind the tapestry of Ignatius the Incorrigible on the sixth floor. Yawning as she ascended the stairs to the Divination Tower, her first tower of the night, Lily couldn't help but smile to herself. The castle was so peaceful and lovely at times like those, when no one else was around. Hogwarts was a gentle, quiet friend one could always count on as a constant.

Lily finished with the Divination Tower (she wouldn't have bothered if she hadn't been given orders to look through every tower; no one in their right mind would risk being caught by batty old Professor Delphi, who was so off her rocker she frequently told students that they should have been dead weeks ago or would marry a goat) and the North Tower before heading off to the Astronomy Tower. Normally she would save it for last so she could spend some extra time up there star gazing, but a look out the window earlier had shown clouds on the horizon, never a good sign in mid-October. Clouds of that variety heralded the coming of winter, when clear nights were far and few, so Lily figured she would visit the Astronomy Tower before the clouds blanketed anymore of the sky

Anticipation boiled in Lily's veins as she climbed the stairs to the Astronomy Tower; the sparkling clarity of the stars was too much to resist. She didn't bother to quiet her feet as they made slapping noises against the last half of the spiral staircase. Rounding the last curve, Lily's emerald eyes glittered as the moonlight swept over her, as she inhaled the crisp fresh air. And then she looked at the top of the tower. Air sharply filled her lungs.

A lone, lanky figure lay in the center of the tower's top, his long black hair a halo surrounding his head.

Sirius Black.

And he was staring straight at her.

"What the hell are you doing up here, Black?"

His brow furrowed. "Nothing of consequence, like I said earlier. What's your excuse?"

"I'm on patrol, like _I_ said earlier."

He was bemused now. "And how does that explain why you were running up the stairs like a bat outta hell?"

Damn him.

"Black, give me one good reason why I shouldn't get Professor McGonagall up here to put you in detention for the next month."

"Oh, relax Evans. I've just been looking at the stars."

Damn him eternally.

She brought a hand to her temple and closed her eyes. When she finally opened them, Black had propped himself up on his elbow and his eyes were…odd. Was that concern?

"You ok, Lily?"

If she ran now he'd have chased her. If she went off about something else he'd have pestered her until she told him the truth. If she just lied…well, she just couldn't bring herself to lie. (Could you in her situation?) So she gritted her teeth and, staring firmly across the wall of the tower out towards Hagrid's hut, she said, "I was coming up here to look at the stars."

There was a pointed silence.

She refused to look at him, for she knew he would be smirking at her.

But he surprised her. "You want to look at them with me?"

Her eyes snapped to his. He had never looked or sounded so innocent. Sirius patted the ground beside him.

"Oh."

Lily let out a sigh, and moved to sit precisely five feet to Black's right. She folded her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them; her head tilted so that she was looking directly at the stars above.

"No, no, no. If you can't do this the right way then we won't do it at all."

She turned her head (which admittedly was in an acutely uncomfortable position) to look at him. "Excuse me?"

"You can't just sit there and stare at them. No. You've got to lie back and let them sink in. Let them surround you. Otherwise, what's the point?"

Lily had never heard him speak so, well, poetically. Truth be told it frightened her. "Are you serious?"

The cheeky smiled returned, thank God. "Always have been, Lily Lou."

Curse the day he learned her middle name was Louise. Nevertheless, with an exasperated huff, she slid her knees out from under her arms until she was lying flat on her back with her hands folded on her stomach. Black did have a point; the sky looked so much bigger this way.

"'At a girl."

She rolled her eyes.

For a time they just lay there, at the top of the Astronomy Tower, gazing up at the winking stars. The only movement was the light wind as it blew wisps of hair into their faces. Neither cared.

Lily loved silence. It soothed her mind in a way nothing else could, so she could eventually drift away to a place where the weight of the world felt a little less heavy. Sirius, however, was not known for his quietude.

"So why exactly do you come up here?"

He was using what could only be known as his normal voice. As opposed o the drawling, sarcastic voice that accompanied him whenever he was out was out prowling with the Marauders or mouthing off to a teacher, this one was different. For one thing it was deeper and smoother. For another, it had a certain…warmth about it. This voice was perfectly calm. Gentle. It unnerved Lily and made her feel at home at the same time.

And that was truly terrifying, let me tell you. Lily couldn't muster up an angry voice in the face of it. So she said, "It's peaceful up here. When I'm looking at the stars I don't have to think about anything else."

Sirius made a noise of understanding. Lily turned her head to look at him. He wasn't looking at her, but rather his eyes were fixated on the stars, jumping from one to another, lingering on each with an almost bittersweet gaze.

"Why do you come up here?"

He sighed, a deep, rattling sigh. His eyes glazed over with melancholy.

"They remind me of my family; most of us are named for stars, you know. Coming up here, looking up at them…it's like we're all together again. Like things used to be, before all the shit started going down. You know?"

Lily knew.

"See, there I am up there." He pointed straight up to the brightest one. "The Dog Star."

Lily snorted. "Ironic."

He snapped his head over, an incredulous look on his face. "Why do you say that?"

She met him with her own incredulity. "Oh, come off it; you've probably snogged half the girls in this school by now."

"Oh." He chuckled, turning back to the sky. (Was that relief in his eyes?) "Yeah, I guess I have.

"Look, there's Andromeda. She's my only decent cousin; she got blasted off the family tree a couple of years back when she married a Muggleborn. Nice bloke, he is. She makes the best peanut butter cookies. And over there's Uncle Alphard. He's got a story for everything…"

Lily watched him as he pointed from star to star, each one with its own story. Goodness, he had a large family. Some stars made him smile, others grimace. Lily couldn't help her small smile as she listened; he'd never been so content around her.

"Orion, my father." Sirius paused, his voice strained. "And look, right in his middle, there's Bellatrix," he spat her name. (She already had quite the reputation.) "Regulus…"

The relationship between the Black brothers was already infamous at Hogwarts. They were complete opposites: day to night, light to dark. They rivaled over everything from marks to house points to Quidditch. Regulus was the favorite son, and he let everyone know it. Sirius, the black sheep, and everyone knew why. The animosity between them had increased over the summer, if that was possible.

"Things have gotten pretty bad between you two lately." She was watching his face, desperate for some sign of emotion. (Why was that?)

Sirius didn't disappoint. His face darkened and he let loose another sigh. He rolled back onto his side and looked at Lily. "He's the reason I left home."

Those fathomless pools of gray held so much pain.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Yes." And then his eyes clouded over. "But it's probably for the best that you know as little as possible. Less chance of something happening to you that way." He turned back to the sky, but Lily stayed on her side, staring at him.

"I got a letter from my sister this morning."

He looked back over at her, expressionless.

"She's getting married." There. She'd said it. That meant it was true. The words were gushing from her like a geyser. "To an absolutely horrible brute of a man with a head the exact shade and color of a ham."

His eyes softened; there was familiarity in them. "That was why you were so pissed in Defense."

She nodded. "She said if I had any sort of conscience I'd keep my freakishness away from him. She said her engagement was the best thing that ever happened to our family."

Sirius reached over and brushed off the tear she hadn't realized had fallen on her cheek. (When had they moved so close?)

"I'm sorry."

"She hates me."

And there it was. The look in his eyes. She was looking at herself. In that moment she knew no one, not Alice, not her mother, certainly not Severus, had ever known her the way Sirius Black did.

"How did this happen? She used to be my best friend."

"He was mine."

"What did we do wrong?

She would never know, because at that moment a clock chimed somewhere below them. Three o'clock.

Damn.

Lily stood abruptly. "I've still got three towers to do." Was there even really a point now?

Sirius made no attempt to move. He just lay there, looking up at her with those storm cloud eyes.

She sighed. "Promise you'll at least go to bed sometime tonight?"

He smiled. "I promise, Lily Lou."

She believed him. She didn't even mind the nickname, for once. She made to leave, and just as she'd arrived at the top of the stairs, she heard him call back to her.

"Hey, Lily. You know I'm up here, right?"

Lily gave him a brilliant smile. She knew.

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An hour later Sirius threw the invisibility cloak on James' trunk and collapsed onto his bed. He'd spent the last hour trying to kill the butterflies that had suddenly appeared in his stomach. And he'd been successful.

Hadn't he?

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_And there's Chapter 2! Lovely, isn't it. This is actually the chapter that sparked the whole story. I got the idea of them star gazing from on old abandoned Sirius/Lily fic, but I couldn't find it. If someone can find it for me I'll credit them for the idea._

_The title is _Drops of Jupiter _by Train._

_I'm going to be updating Tuesdays and Saturdays for the next couple weeks, but when classes start up it will just be Saturdays._

_Also, thanks so much for the reviews! They make me bubbly. And a special thanks to those of you who faved this story and/or put it on your alerts. It nice to know ya'll have such confidence in me after just the first chapter._

_Til Tuesday!_


	3. I Should Go

**Disclaimer: If I were to somehow magically own Harry Potter I would buy FFN with my billions and then we wouldn't have any updating problems. Because I'm awesome like that.**

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Every time Sirius was sure the butterflies were dead, dead, dead she would give them CPR. Why did she have to smile at him when she was walking with McKinnon to Charms? Or call him by his given name when he accidentally (of course it was!) poked her with his shears in Herbology? And why did she have to be so darn _pretty_?

Other than the fact that he was now incubating bugs, the rest of the week had gone by fairly normally. A week's detention from Slughorn for transfiguring Snape's eyes of newt into Dungbombs just as he was dropping them into his cauldron. Two weeks from McGonagall for dueling in the corridor. Though he couldn't fathom why; Nott had it coming.

Granted, that was more than his usual weekly standard, but Sirius had to be given some lenience. It was Halloween. Prankster's Christmas. And the Marauders had never failed to disappoint. This year would be no exception. What they had planned was so brilliant, so utterly mind-blowing that people would still be talking about it in fifty years. It was so perfectly mischievous that Sirius wasn't allowed to participate.

It had been Moony who had figured out that if Sirius had gotten any more detentions he would be ineligible for the upcoming Hogsmeade weekend, the only one of the term. And Padfoot was a great lover of Hogsmeade. So it was decided that, for his sake, he would be seemingly uninvolved.

The plan was this: Just before dessert, Sirius would leave the Great Hall with the explanation of needing to use the loo. He would then proceed to the second floor boy's bathroom; far enough from the Great Hall to avoid appearing suspicious, but not so far as to appear to be up to something. There he would wait until he heard the obvious signs of a prank underway. Then he would join the throng of people that would be evacuating the Great Hall, completely innocent of any rule breaking and immune to detection by Veritaserum. It was flawless.

And it was underway. Sirius had already fled the Great Hall; everyone other than the Marauders was so caught up in the feast that they were oblivious to him. He'd climbed the marble staircase and was at that point marching along the first floor. So long as Peeves didn't pop out from somewhere he was home free. Ah, triumph.

Just as he was congratulating himself on a job well done, (preemptive, isn't he?) he stopped straight. Sitting on a windowsill, with her back to him, was a long mane of rose-colored hair.

Oh, hell.

And there were the butterflies. That girl had hexed him up in the Astronomy Tower, he was sure of it. What Prongs saw in her, he'd never know.

He'd just walk right by her. That was it. He would hold his head high and walk right past her. If she called after him he would just say he was off to the loo. Perfect.

Except that the closer he got to her the more he could hear her breathing. He could almost see it shaking. Was she cold? No, if she were cold her breathing wouldn't be coming in short, sharp spurts like it was.

"Lily?"

Now he'd done it.

Her breathing hitched. She turned to look at him, her green eyes wide and moist. But they softened with recognition.

"Oh, it's you."

"You ok?"

Lily sighed, a sigh reminiscent of the one he'd given her last week under the stars. "I don't know."

By then Sirius was standing beside her. He'd never seen her like this before. "What's up? Is it your sister again?"

"Oh, no." She sounded so distant. "It's just…Did you see the _Prophet_ this morning?"

Ah. So that was it. A Muggleborn and his family, which had included his parents, siblings, and Muggle girlfriend, had been found murdered in their home, the Dark Mark floating sickeningly above. It had been gruesome. Very, very gruesome.

No wonder she was upset.

"Yeah, I did."

"It's all so scary."

"Yeah," he sighed. "Yeah it is. But it'll all work out alright. You'll see."

"How?" she demanded. "How is it possibly going to be alright? You know just as well as I do that more and more people are disappearing. That the murders are becoming more and more frequent. How could things possibly get better?"

Sirius sighed. "Lil, look at Hitler. Look at Napoleon. Look at Grindelwald. They all ruled with an iron fist, and their reigns all met their ends."

"Yes, but how many millions of people died before they did?"

Touché.

Sirius sighed again. (He seemed to be doing that a lot around Lily.) By then he was sitting next to her on the window ledge. He barely even realized that he had taken her hand in his.

"Look Lily, I'm no Seer; I don't know when all this craziness will end or how. I just know that we can't be so worried about it that we forget to live. That's what they want. That's why the Marauders are always pulling pranks. It relieves the tension."

Lily gave him a watery smile. "You're right." She rubbed her thumb along his knuckle. "You're absolutely right. I'm so sorry I panic attacked all over you."

The butterflies became desperate to choke him when they heard 'all over you.' He gulped them down and gave the redhead a small grin. "Ah, that's alright. You're worried about your family. I'm worried about mine, too. They're all involved," he added quietly.

Lily understood. "Hey," she leaned forward a bit, her smile more genuine. "Everything happens for a reason. You know that, right?"

She was so close. She was too close. Why was she that close? Her eyes were shining. Those big, emerald eyes. She had three freckles on her nose. Why was he close enough to count them? He couldn't do this. How had his hands wound themselves around her neck?

His face was almost touching hers. He couldn't do this; he'd be a traitor if he did. He slowly slid his nose down hers. Why was she looking at him that way? Why couldn't he stop? There was something soft and sweet pressed against his mouth. Her lips, maybe…

BANG! Oh, dear sweet Merlin. The prank. Screams were echoing up from the ground floor. The trampling of feet was vibrating the floor. Sirius jumped off of Lily. He stood several feet away from her, his hand on the back of his neck. His eyes were pure horror.

"I shouldn't have done that."

The students had overtaken them at that point, shrieking and yelling to each other as they passed. Sirius allowed himself to be swept away by the crowd.

Lily just sat there, watching him go.

The Great Pumpkin Incident of '76 did in fact become a Hogwarts legend. To this day no one is entirely sure of exactly what went down. Some say it was the teachers playing a Halloween trick on the students. Others say it was just an accident caused by Hufflepuff fourth years practicing the _Reducto _spell. For a few months there was even a wild rumor that it had been cause by Death Eaters. Professor McGonagall, rightly so, believed that the whole event had been orchestrated by the Marauders, and she pestered them all about it for the rest of their lives.

Sirius Black remembered it as the night Lily Evans had never looked so hurt.

* * *

_I know, I know. Their first kiss. The first kiss I've ever written, so be nice about it._

_Speaking of which, not a single review? After the epicness of last chapter? Are you kriffing kidding me? Tisk tisk, readers. If that's the way ya'll are going to play it then I might just have to stop updating. You never know, I'm a petty girl._

_Anyway, the chapter title is_ I Should Go _by Levi Kreis. _

_I'm currently working on an outline for this fic. So far it looks like there will be 35+ chapters because there are so many things I want to do. I've written up to chapter eight so far, but don't think that means I don't have a plan, because I most certainly do._

_So, as previously mentioned, REVIEW. OR ELSE. Maybe. Seriously, though, I'm really interested in seeing where ya'll think I'm going with this. If you're nice I might even give you a clue._

_Til Saturday!_


	4. Creep

**Disclaimer: Do I sound British to you? I didn't think so.**

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There were several reasons why Sirius hated himself. He was constantly putting his friends at a disadvantage. He did his utmost to ensure that the majority of the teachers at Hogwarts were resolutely turned against him, even the ones that he really did respect. He had lazed around while his brother had sent in his application to the Death Eaters. He had absolutely no means of repaying the Potters for taking him in. He hadn't even given a thought thus far to exactly what sort of man he wanted to be and what kind of life he wanted to have.

Now he was a traitor.

For the first time in his life, Sirius had no idea what to do. He'd kissed Lily Evans; there was no point in denying it, but he had no idea how to proceed from there. Every fragment of pragmatic theory that passed through his mind left just as quickly as it appeared, leaving him increasingly immobile. The one thing he did know, though, was that he could never tell James. James, deluded, though it was, seriously thought he had a chance with Lily, and Sirius wasn't about to crush his best friend's only long term dream. Prongs was the brother he'd always wanted, and the first unwritten rule of brotherhood was that you didn't steal each other's girls. Ever.

And then there was Lily. Beautiful, vulnerable Lily. Sirius hadn't spoken to her in the two weeks since Halloween. He hadn't even made eye contact with her. Lily, not that he could blame her, wasn't making any attempt to talk to him, either; Sirius knew he'd hurt her badly. He wanted desperately to go to her and explain himself, to tell her about the butterflies that had tortured him constantly since that night in the Astronomy Tower, but he feared he would only cause them all more damage by being near her. He owed her more than that.

But at the same time, he wanted to be near her. He _needed _to be near her. If asked he wouldn't dare admit it to anyone, but over the past two weeks he had taken up staring at her through the shelves in the library while the other Marauders were otherwise preoccupied. Had the Marauder's Map not been confiscated at the beginning of term, he probably would have taken to watching her on it when the others weren't around. He couldn't explain why he felt so drawn to her proximity; he just was. It was as though when they were together everything made sense, like some empty part of him was full. He found he could tell her things he couldn't even tell himself.

The fact of the matter was he fancied Lily. No, he more than fancied her; he wanted to take her in his arms and hold her until he could fell her heart beating next to his. He wanted to wake up every morning and know that she'd be smiling a smile just for him. He wanted to know that he was a part of her the way she was a part of him. But no matter how desperately he wanted to find an alternative, and no matter how clichéd it sounded, their love could never be.

And how was he to know that Lily felt the same, anyhow? After all, hadn't he been the one to kiss her? Hadn't he, on the two occasions they had really spoken, been the one to draw her nearer? Perhaps her blatant avoidance of him was not out of hurt or heartache but meerly indifference. A month ago they'd barely been able to behave civilly in public; why should two conversations have changed the delicate balance that ruled over their mutually distrusting assosication? Was Sirius really prepared to risk the best and most important relationship of his life, his friendship with James, over what was more likely than not a manifestation of the fickle teenage attention span?

Two weeks after Halloween, Sirius allowed himself to embrace the butterflies. They penetrated the walls of his stomach, molding to his tissue, his muscle, his very bone. They seeped throughout his veins like a boiling soup, coating him entirely. They encased him, solidifying around every part of his body. He had never felt such power, such strength, such wholeness as he did from those butterflies.

So Lily was a part of him, irrevocably. The way she was meant to be. The way that was right. And she would never know it; he'd take the secret to his grave. He could never hurt James that way; it would be inhumane to even consider it. And with all the crap that had gone down in the last few months, he needed James now more than ever. After everything he and his family had done for him, Sirius owed him this sacrifice. No matter how deep the intensity of his newfound feelings for Lily ran, he was not prepared to give James up. It was the only way.

He only hoped that he would be able to survive without his heart.

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_And there is the shortest chapter I will ever write. Yes, yes I know; it's craptastic. A rip-off, if you will. I mean, there isn't any dialogue or anything. But it's completely necessary all the same. You'll understand later. And I'll even make it up to you; the next two chapters are super duper long. Promise._

_The chapter title is _Creep _by Radiohead. Appropriate, no?_

_Incidentally, thanks so much for the reviews! Ya'll have managed to save yourselves from my eternal detestation. __¡Felicidades! However, I was surprised that some of you indicated that you don't what a clue as to the ending. Those of you that actively infect people with Spyware can see that I'm raising my eyebrows at you. But hey, if that's the way you want to play it. Keep on reviewing, though. Even though this chapter was a cop out, as previously mentioned._

_Til Tuesday!_


	5. Bag It Up

**Disclaimer: This is me disclaiming. I know, I know, it's a hard concept to understand, but I'm sure that you'll figure it out eventually.**

* * *

The Hogsmeade weekend could not have come any sooner. The last three weeks had been nearly unbearable for Lily, and it had shown. Alice was constantly asking her if something was the matter. Marlene kept threatening to spike her pumpkin juice with Elixir to Induce Euphoria. Even Remus Lupin had offered her a bar of chocolate in the library one afternoon. (It had quickly been swooped upon by an irate Madam Pince.)

Sirius had been avoiding her like the plague. As far as she knew he hadn't told anyone about what had happened on Halloween. Why would he? She practically had 'Property of James C. Potter' tattooed across her face. The only boy other than Potter who had ever been foolish enough to make a move on her was Amos Diggory, who had asked her to Hogsmeade two years ago, and he had been subject to an extended stay in the Hospital Wing shortly thereafter. As far as Lily knew he still couldn't ride a broom properly.

She was going to the village alone. Archie Fawcett had finally worked up the nerve to ask Marlene out for a butterbeer, and Frank had been planning some top secret date with Alice for weeks. Apparently there was something important that he wanted her input on.

"I'd make him let me bring you along, too," her friend had said, "but he just seems so excited that I don't have the heart to ruin his plans."

Lily smiled to herself as she walked down the snowy lane. Alice was a natural mother; she was constantly piling food onto people's plates and making sure homework had been completed. The only reason Lily had passed all her O.W.L.s last year was because Alice had spent a month tutoring her beforehand.

Hogsmeade was packed, as usual. It would have been impossible to get into The Three Broomsticks or Honeydukes, or any of the other popular attractions for that matter, so Lily decided that it would be a good time to finish her Christmas shopping. Huddling against the cold, she made her way to the far end of the village. The time passed quickly enough. Lily didn't have that many people to buy for and, to be perfectly honest, she was a very generic gift giver to begin with. Her shopping went by fairly uneventfully, until she saw it.

She had been in a specialty store looking at a Foe-Glass for Frank (he was planning on becoming an Auror and needed such things) when it caught her eye from the back of the shelf. Carefully, she picked it up and unrolled it. It was beautiful. And she knew just who to get it for. But, of course, they weren't speaking. Typical. But it was such a perfect gift that Lily had to buy it. She just wouldn't sign the card. There, problem solved.

The discovery of said gift put Lily in such a good mood that she half skipped to the post office to mail her packages back to Hogwarts. Once free of the bags, she looked at her watch. One thirty. Damn. Alice and Frank were still on their super special date and Marlene was certain to be wrapped around poor unsuspecting Archie by now.

Oh, what she would give to talk to Sirius.

But he was the one who had snogged her and then promptly left her sitting on the first floor windowsill, more hurt than the time Petunia had told her she couldn't tag along to Martin Crowell's university party because she didn't want everyone knowing what a freak her sister was. If she was ever going to speak to him again she wanted a full apology first.

It was completely preposterous that she would want to speak with him in the first place. Sirius was Potter's best mate, co-founder of the Marauders, and the most callous one at that. He was the one who started the grudges; he was always the first to instigate the fights; he was the one who disrespected the teachers on the most regular basis. There was absolutely no way she could have any positive feelings for him. None at all.

Lily sighed (she now thought of it as her Sirius Sigh, because only he could induce sighs that made her think her lungs might come out her mouth) and began to walk aimlessly through the village, farther and farther until the shops became sparser. Eventually they stopped completely and Lily found herself in the middle of the snowy lane, the only thing ahead of her the Shrieking Shack. Oh well.

The Shrieking Shack was only a few years old, but it had already gained notoriety within the Wizarding World. Shortly after its construction strange occurrences began surrounding it; the villagers began hearing periodic screaming, windows were broken, long, jagged holes appeared on the front door. Peculiar tracks had been discovered surrounding it. Rumor had it the building housed a chimaera. However, the general assumption was that the Shrieking Shack was haunted.

It would have to do.

As it were, it really was a surprisingly nice day for a walk. Usually at that time of year the wind was so brutal that it murdered all notions of going outdoors, but that day the air was still and the sky was only a little overcast. The air was silent as well; there was absolutely no one to speak of.

After a few minutes the Shrieking Shack came into view. Closer inspection revealed that it was free of loiterers. Lily smiled. Thank goodness for Frank's romanticism and Archie's persistence, she needed some time alone.

Just as she was making her way out of the trees, two figures Disapparated at the edge of the clearing not ten yards away from her. They were both quite tall and shrouded in long, black cloaks. And most importantly, they were facing away from Lily. She didn't think, she just threw herself behind the nearest tree. Their voices carried in the crisp air.

"The kid was supposed to meet us here. He should know we can't be standing around in the open."

"Patience. We have our orders and we'll follow them."

Oh God.

Lily knew that voice.

Evan Rosier.

He had been a seventh year Slytherin when Lily had entered Hogwarts, and she would never forget his voice. Rosier had been the king of Slytherin House of sorts and was from a well known, highly respected pureblood family; as such, he had a profound distaste for Muggleborns. He and his gang of followers had systematically terrorized the lower year Muggleborns, their methods ranging from disgusting taunts to explicitly vile hexes. Poor Dirk Cresswell had had a series of boils spelling out 'Mudblood' cursed onto his back. Lily had managed to avoid Rosier's reign of terror, but she had spent the whole of her first year looking over her shoulder.

And as notorious as he was during his time at Hogwarts, Rosier had made an even bigger name for himself after leaving school. No one knew exactly when he had joined the Death Eaters, but once he had he had certainly made his presence known. Rosier was suspected as an accessory to several horrific murders, the most significant of which was that of the Head of the Department of International Magical Cooperation.

Lily's blood chilled. Her jaw locked. She desperately needed to get back to the village, to alert someone, anyone. There were Death Eaters in Hogsmeade, for the love of God!

She eased herself away from the tree, trying her best to make as little sound as possible. So far so good. She took one step. Then another. And another. Two more steps. One more.

Crack!

She felt the stick break beneath her foot.

Screw subtlety, she ran for it. She didn't make it ten feet before one of the Death Eaters Apparated in front of her. Lily was so shocked she stumbled backwards and fell to the ground, screaming. The sound was ripped from her throat. Lily felt a spell hit her squarely in the back, and the next thing she knew she was spread out on the snow covered ground unable to move. One of the Death Eaters was standing over her.

"Well, what have we here?"

"The Dark Lord never said anything about a girl," replied the other.

The first Death Eater leaned down over Lily. She could see his horrible dark eyes through the holes in his mask.

"Ah, I know this one," Rosier said. "It's Evans, the little Mudblood know-it-all. She's old enough now to know better than to butt her nose into other people's business. But I think we have enough time to have a little fun with her, don't you Rodolphus?"

Lily's heart was beating so quickly that she thought it might explode. Oh Merlin, why had she had to move? Why couldn't she have just stayed behind the damn tree and waited for them to leave?

Rodolphus leaned over her as well. "She's got such striking hair. Almost the color of fire, isn't it Evan?"

Rosier chuckled. "I wonder what it would look like if it _was _on fire. Don't you Rodolphus?"

Rodolphus pulled his wand out from of the inside of his cloak, but Lily would never know if he would have set her hair ablaze.

Several things happened at once. Lestrange (Lily remembered reading about him in the paper) was hit by a red jet of light and fell backwards. Rosier spun around, and as he did Lily saw a burst of silver shoot over his head. She wasn't able to see the spell as it hit her, but she could feel the weight lift from her body as the hex was broken.

"Get away from her or I'll blow your head off."

Lily rolled her head up to see Sirius, Potter, and Remus standing at the edge of the tree, wands pointed at the Death Eaters. Never in her life had she been so thankful to see the Marauders. She scrambled to her feet and ran to them as quickly as possible, standing slightly behind Sirius with her hand gripping his upper arm.

He was practically growling.

"What are you and your jackass friend doing here Rodolphus? I'm surprised Bella let you out of the cave."

Rosier had revived Lestrange, who took a step forward. "Well, well, if it isn't little Sirius. Last time I checked you were the homeless one."

Sirius lurched forward.

"No," Lily whispered to him as she pulled him back. A lightning bolt flashed across his storm cloud eyes and a peel of thunder shook from his throat.

Rosier watched the exchange with contempt. "I remember when you came to Hogwarts, Black. You were a blood traitor even then, but I never dreamed you would stoop so low as to screw a Mudblood."

James shot a Stunner at him, to which Rosier responded with a sickeningly green curse. Sirius, Remus, and Lestrange began throwing out spells as well.

Lily (can you really blame her?) froze. Every spell she had ever learned seemed to have fled her brain. She gripped her wand so tightly she could almost feel it splintering in her hand. This was it. They were going to die alone outside the Shrieking Shack at the hands of two Death Eaters.

The scene before her was one to warrant trepidations about death. Rosier's mask had flown off, revealing his horrible, twisted face. Lily had never seen someone's eyes gleam so terribly, so ferociously. Sirius was throwing curses at him in rapid succession. His normally fathomless eyes had solidified in anger, becoming hard, black stones. Remus and James were randomly casting spells between their two opponents, neither specifically dueling either Death Eater. Lestrange was doing his best to maim any of the three boys. No one appeared to be winning or losing, but Lily couldn't shake her certainty of defeat. All the while she just stood there, several feet away from the fighting.

And then Lestrange cast a terrible looking black curse from his wand. Sirius was shooting spell after spell at Rosier; he didn't see it coming.

But Lily did. She couldn't think, she just reacted.

"_Reducto_!"

Her spell collided with Lestrange's, and the only thing that can describe the effect of it would be the detonation of a bomb. Lily was thrown backwards through the air; the only thing she could feel was Sirius' arm around her waist. They landed fifty feet away and skidded backward through the powdery snow.

Every part of her ached, but as soon as they came to a halt she scrambled to get up. Ahead of them (they were now in the front yard of the Shrieking Shack) several loud pops chorused and a group of figures of all shapes and sizes appeared, ascending on the Death Eaters. Lily could make out a hulky, grizzled man with long, unkempt hair at the front of the crowd as he overtook the men. She recognized him from pictures in the _Prophet_. Mad-Eye Moody, Head of the Auror Office.

They were saved.

Glancing around frantically, Lily saw Remus and James pulling themselves up. They had been thrown well off to the side in the blast. Lily sunk back to the ground, exhausted. Beside her she heard a sharp, barking noise. She turned toward it.

Sirius lay next to her, his arm still tightly fixed around her waist, staring up at the sky. He was laughing madly. The few clouds in the sky had begun to release snow, tiny white tuffs falling slowly to the ground. Lily knew she had never seen a more beautiful sight in her life as Sirius covered in those little white flakes, laughing his head off. She began to chuckle, and the next thing she knew she was laughing as hysterically as the boy next to her.

Eventually his laugh simmered down to a chortle. With his free hand he reached over and brushed a stray lock of hair away from Lily's face. "You ok, Lily Lou?"

She smiled brilliantly and scooted closer until she was pressed against his side. "I'm ok. You?"

Sirius said nothing; he simply let loose another barking laugh and tossed his free arm over Lily's shoulders. She wrapped her right arm around his waist and laid her head atop his chest.

And they lay there, just two teenagers holding each other in the snow.

* * *

_Bam! Longest chapter yet, and by a 500 word margin at that. Be nice to me, it was my first action scene. I think it turned out pretty well, though. I can't wait for chapter 6, though; it's my favorite so far._

_The title is _Bag It Up _by Oasis, which incidentally is my favorite band. Seriously, I'd have Liam Gallagher's baby if he wasn't married to that Spice Girls knockoff. And I quote "_Someone tell me I'm dreaming/The freaks are rising up through the floor_" Now you get it._

_A note to those of you how are assuming how this is going to end: Go back and reread the summary. I think what you think I'm thinking isn't what I think I've really been thinking. I think. Really though, has fanfiction become that predictable? I'm shaking me head, you just can't see it._

_Anyway, I think I deserve some reviews after this awesome manifestation of writing genius. Even though I kinda ripped ya'll off with the last chapter. Oh, I'm cringing just thinking about it. But I'm just rambling now, so, to reiterate: REVIEW!_

_Til Saturday!_


	6. Name

**Disclaimer: Do I wish I owned Harry Potter? Duh. But as we know, not all wishes can come true.**

* * *

The end of term could not have come any sooner, because, quite frankly, Sirius was fed up with the student body. Ever since the incident in Hogsmeade they had pestered him incessantly with their inane questions and fawning. Lily was the one deserving pity, though; he had Prongs and Moony by his side to deflect some of the attention to. She was going it alone.

In fact, Sirius could hardly remember everything that had gone down that afternoon. It was all a blur. Several things did stand out, though; Mad-Eye Moody interrogating them after the Death Eaters had fled (he had ended the session with a call for "Constant Vigilance!") Dumbledore looking at the four of them with those big twinkling eyes of his and telling them how sorry he was that they'd been involved, Madam Pomfrey trying to force mixed potions down their throats, Alice Jones bursting into the Hospital Wing with Frank Longbottom on her heel and a diamond ring on her finger to throw herself on Lily. Wormtail had shown up late in the afternoon, his face coated in candy and his watery eyes even more watery than usual. Sirius found that he was actually glad Peter had ditched them for Honeyduke's; he would have just been a nuisance in the fight.

Lily had been on better terms with the Marauders since Hogsmeade. She had even started calling James by his given name. This turned out to be a poor choice on her part, however, as it gave James the encouragement he had long been searching for to pursue her even more aggressively than before. Sirius cringed internally every time James attempted to flirt with Lily, but he'd always laugh it off and play along with the game, and when James sulked off in momentary defeat he'd give Lily's shoulder a squeeze. She would smile at him in return, her eyes actual emeralds.

Something good had come from the Death Eater debacle; Sirius and Lily had come to a wordless understanding while they had held each other outside the Shrieking Shack. She felt the same as he did, he could tell. When she looked at him that day, he had seen himself in her eyes. It was like he was a phoenix, reborn from the ashes of his heartache. But she also understood that they could never be anything. If there was one thing he knew Lily could appreciate, it was loyalty.

The day before term ended McGonagall made her way through the Gryffindors with the list of students staying at the castle over the holidays. Remus gave her his name, as always, (the full moon had made an appearance every break thus far, and Moony had grown too large for his parents to handle) and Sirius decided to stay with him. James, who was going home to his family, protested and offered him a place at his parents' house, but Sirius felt he had intruded on the Potters enough as it was. Peter would be going home to his shrewish mother; he was to be pitied.

McGonagall moved down the table to a group sitting a few seats down from the Marauders; Sirius couldn't help but eavesdrop on them. Alice Jones would be spending the holidays with Frank (Mrs. Longbottom was a renowned socialite who was throwing an extravagant party to celebrate their engagement) and McKinnon would be staying with her family. Only Lily decided to remain at Hogwarts.

"Oh, no Lil. You can't stay here all alone on Christmas. Go home to your poor father," Marlene had insisted.

Lily gave her a forlorn look. "It's alright, really. I honestly don't want to go home; Petunia's been on a warpath lately."

McGonagall, for her part, clucked her tongue and moved on to a group of second years.

Sirius hadn't realized he was gawking until Lily met his eye and gave him a small smile. He quickly averted his gaze back to his eggs.

"You ok, Padfoot?"

The other three Marauders were staring at him. He shoveled a fork full of eggs into his mouth, chewing frantically. The others continued to gape at him as he gulped them down.

"I was just thinking about what Christmas with my family would be like."

"Ah…" They all knew just how bad the Blacks could be when they congregated. James and Wormtail returned to their conversation regarding the last Transfiguration lesson, but Remus gave him a suspicious look before joining them, He had begun to notice the frequency of Sirius' run-ins with Lily had was getting a little concerned. (As right he should.)

Sirius kept only half his mind on the discussion, giving the appropriate "Yeah" and "Right you are" when it was called for, but the rest of his mind was locked in a battle of wills with itself.

James was leaving and Lily was staying. Did the Comic Muse hate him or something? On one hand, this was his chance. Before him was the opportunity his heart had been longing for. He could have his time with Lily and James would never have to know.

On the other hand, he would still be betraying James, and the thought of that would mar whatever it was he would have with Lily. And Sirius couldn't bring himself to even think of hurt Prongs after the boy had stood by him for so long. Besides, he knew two weeks with Lily would never be enough, and she certainly would never agree to a fling. She was too classy for that.

So after James and Peter left Sirius steered clear of Lily. He hid out in the boy's dormitory and ate at odd hours under the guise of wanting to avoid any confrontations with Snape and the other Slytherins. (Their animosity had escalated since the Death Eater attack.) When he did see Lily in the common room, he'd make polite small talk with her and try not to fall into her endlessly beautiful eyes. She seemed to be holding back from him as well. Apart from those brief encounters, Sirius was home free.

Everything went to pot on Christmas Eve.

About thirty minutes before midnight Sirius felt the need to move, His brain was heavy with thoughts of Lily and Regulus, and he couldn't lie idly in his bed any longer, waiting for them to overtake him. Remus was a firm believer in the 'early to bed early to rise' concept, so Sirius crept out of their dormitory as quietly as possible as not to wake him. He shut the door softly and descended the boy's staircase.

The common room was deserted. Only a few students ever stayed over the break, and the ones that did generally cleared out early. No one really wanted to sit and make small talk with people they really didn't know that well. At least not while sober.

Sirius navigated his way through the assorted chairs and couches in the dim light of the dying fire. He had decided that he would go down to the kitchens. A midnight snack would help him clear his mind. He had just made it to the portrait hole when all his well laid plans unraveled.

"Hello?"

Sirius spun to face the Christmas tree standing in the corner where the voice had come from. A pair of flannel pajama bottoms and fluffy slippers were sticking out from under the bottom.

"Is someone out there?"

He recognized that voice. Damn it.

"What're you doing under the tree, Lily?"

There was a pause. "I'll tell you if you come under here with me."

"You want me to lie under a Christmas tree with you?"

"Yes."

It made as much sense as anything else had lately. But Sirius knew his limitations, and lying late at night under a tree in the dim light of the common room with the only girl he'd ever had real feelings for was absolutely not a good idea.

Oh, screw it.

He walked across the common room and scooted under the tree next to her. In the soft golden light Lily looked like an angel.

"Hey."

"Hey," he responded.

"What are you doing up?"

"I think I have the right to ask you first, all things considered."

She smiled that smile he loved more than anything else. "Petunia and I had this tradition where we'd sneak out of our rooms on Christmas Eve and lie under the tree. Then at midnight we'd make a wish. It's silly, I know."

He shook his head. "No it's not. Reg and I used to do stuff like that all the time."

Lily sighed. She understood the pain of an estranged sibling. "So what are you doing up, anyway?"

"Trying not to think."

They lay there for awhile, staring up into the branches of the tree. Sirius felt her hand lightly brush against his, but he couldn't bring himself to move it away from her. "So, Petunia and Lily. Who names their kids that?"

She rolled her eyes. "Who names their kids after stars?"

"Touché."

She laughed a beautiful, sparkling laugh. "My mother's name was Iris. Her mother was an avid gardener and I guess Mum wanted to carry on the tradition."

"Yeah, but Petunia?"

"Hey, it beats Chrysanthemum any day."

They both laughed this time. Sirius felt his hand slide over hers, but he made no attempt to stop it. She wasn't complaining.

"Hey Sirius, can I ask you something?" Her voice was so soft.

"Anything." And he meant it.

"What happened exactly? With you and your brother, I mean."

He sighed deeply. (He'd been doing that a lot recently.) "Well, it started over the summer. Bellatrix stopped by for a visit." Lily cringed beside him. "Yeah, I know. She asked Reg if he wanted to join up with Voldemort."

"But he's only fifteen," Lily gasped.

"I know, but Bellatrix said he could get marked on his sixteenth birthday. Mum and Dad were all for it."

Lily gripped his hand. "What kind of parents ship their child off to the Death Eaters?"

"Mine," he said bitterly.

She moved closer so that their arms were pressed together and rested her head against his shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

"Me too." He sighed again and shook his shaggy head. "I told Regulus he was being an idiot but that just led to a massive fight. So I left. It wasn't worth it."

Sirius turned to look at Lily. She was looking up at him through her long lashed with sad eyes. Oh, how he wanted to reach over and brush the hair away from her face.

Somewhere a clock began to chime. Midnight. "Make a wish, Lily," he whispered.

She closed her eyes.

He felt like he was looking at heaven.

He couldn't help it. Every nerve in his body was begging him to do it. He tilted his head down and kissed her.

They were both so shocked that neither moved. And then Lily wrapped her hands in his hair and kissed him back. Hard. When Sirius finally pulled back from her he'd rolled onto his side and was leaning over her. Lily's face was flushed. He felt dizzy.

She untangled one hand from his hair and slid a finger down his jaw. "That should have been our first kiss."

"What was wrong with our first one?" he croaked out.

She turned up a corner of her mouth. "You left me crying on a windowsill."

"I made you cry?"

She nodded. His soul ached.

It was all so very wrong.

Sirius groaned and buried his head in her hair. She stroked the back of his neck; her fingertips sent electric shocks down his spine. He pushed himself up so that he was looking into her eyes.

He wanted to kiss her again. He wanted to grab her thick red hair and crash his lips onto hers.

But he didn't.

"Come on out from under the tree, Lil." He took her hand and pulled her away from the fir.

"We can't do this."

She wrinkled her nose at him. "Of course we can."

"Well, we shouldn't do this, then."

"Because of James?"

"Exactly."

"The hell with James! I like you." Her perfect eyes clouded. "Don't you like me, too?"

Sirius pinched his nose. "You know I do."

"Then why are you making this so difficult?"

"Why are you making it so hard for me to stay away from you?"

"Because I don't want you to stay away from me!"

"I can't!"

There was a silence. _Now you've gone and done it_, Sirius thought. Why didn't she understand what the ramification would be if they kept this up? Did she understand that he didn't have _that_much selfcontrol? Lily crossed her arms across her chest and set her jaw. Sirius sighed for what seemed like the millionth time.

"He's my best friend, Lily."

"So?" she snapped.

"He loves you."

She made an indignant noise.

"Alright then, he thinks he loves you. And that goes a long way with blokes."

It was Lily's turn to sigh. "Ok. Ok. Let me get this straight: Because your best mate _thinks_ he loves me, you, who does actually have feelings for me, can't do a thing about it."

"Yeah."

"That's insane!"

Sirius groaned and pushed the now tangled hair out of his eyes. This girl was going to be the death of him. _Well, that's what you get for kissing her_.

Lily nudged forward until she was kneeling in front of him. She took his face in her hands. "James is your best friend, right?"

"Right."

"Practically your brother?"

"Right."

"And he's basically an adult?"

"Right."

"Then he should understand that I don't have feelings for him. That I never could. And he should realize that he's not a very good mate if he tries to make you choose between the two of us."

She did have a point there. But he wouldn't bite. "Lily―"

She reached up and kissed him. A soft, tender kiss that made his head spin.

Oh, the hell with it.

"Ok," he pulled back and murmured against her mouth. "Ok. But we've got to ease him into this; hang out around him first, flirt around him after a while. Then we come out with it."

She licked her lips and smiled cheekily up at him. "So we're together?"

"Yeah, I guess."

Lily threw her arms around his neck and kissed him again. Why did James have to come back in a week? The just as quickly as she'd lunged at him she threw herself off. 'That means I can give you this."

Sirius watched her disappear back under the tree. He felt the corners of his mouth turn up as he did. He was dating Lily Evans. And the alarm clock wasn't about to ring and wake him up.

Lily reappeared with a neatly wrapped gift, which she plopped onto his lap. "Merry Christmas."

Sirius ripped the paper off. (He'd never been one for conserving the stuff. That was for hippies.) Inside the box was what looked like a roll of parchment, only nicer. He unrolled it carefully and felt his jaw slack. He looked back at Lily.

She was hugging her legs to her and biting her lower lip. "Do you like it?"

_It_ was a full map of the night sky, an exact replica, if Sirius wasn't mistaken. A closer look showed that the stars, which were all labeled, were moving, probably in accordance with their real positions.

Screw Prongs, he was in love with this girl

And all he could do was stare dumbstruck at said girl. It was the greatest present anyone had ever given him. She beamed.

"I didn't get you anything," he said dumbly.

She shrugged. "Oh, that's alright; I really didn't expect you would. I mean, our relationship has been kind of tempestuous over the last couple of months. And it was kind of presumptive of me to get it for you any―"

He crashed onto her. No, he literally threw himself onto her and by some miracle he managed to find her lips. Sirius kissed her like he's never kissed anyone else.

When he pulled away from her she looked rather dazed. "If you were to snog everyone like you just snogged me you'd never have to buy another present."

So he kissed her again.

* * *

_Ok, that was the longest chapter yet. And my favorite, though I do think that Lily was a little OOC. But hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Anyway, next chapter is pretty cool. It just is. You'll see why, so stay tuned for more._

_The title is _Name _by The Goo Goo Dolls. __They'll be making several appearances as time goes on, just you wait. __The line _"But you could hide beside me maybe for a while" _inspired this chapter. And Chapter 6 actually showed up in my original thought process. So here's what ya'll need to do: Youtube this song and then come back and reread this chapter. Seriously, you'll have a whole new appreciation for it. In fact, why don't ya'll all call up Johnny Rzeznik and personally thank him for being a genius? I'm sure he'll appreciate it._

_And now comes the bad news. Classes are starting back up for me on Monday, so from now on I'll only be updating on Saturdays. I know, I'm just as disappointed as you are._

_On another slightly depressing note, my mojo has been kind of down in the dumps lately, so I've been having difficulty getting anything else written. I'm still stuck on chapter nine; I think I've set up a mental roadblock against it because it'll be just so dang long. But I digress. So I think some reviews just might help. Smiles are the best medicine, and ya'll make me downright giddy. Thanks for having such faith in me._

_Til next week!_


	7. Just Friends

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter I wouldn't need to partake in an overpriced, monotonous education. But alas, I don't, so I do.

* * *

Remus hated the holidays. Not the actual holidays themselves; no, no, no he loved the idea of people coming together in celebration. It was just the way they chose to celebrate that annoyed him. For example, the Gryffindors on New Year's. Gryffindors were known for their ability to party long and hard into the night, even in small numbers. Like the twenty odd students who stayed over the break.

Every New Year's Eve was the same: Loud music blared from a portable radio. Soon after the boisterous dancing would begin. Someone (usually Sirius) smuggled in some butterbeer, and someone (usually Sirius) spiked said butterbeer with firewhiskey. Thus, a loud, drunken riot would erupt sometime near midnight.

As was the case on the New Year's Eve of 1976.

Remus found himself sitting in the corner with a pounding headache, as per usual. Meghan McCormack was dancing atop a table. A Hobgoblins song was being blasted from the wireless. People were drunkenly mulling about, though Remus couldn't really blame them; there had been a lot to drink over lately. He just wished they wouldn't do it four days after the full moon. This month had been particularly brutal, and there was nothing Remus would have loved more than to curl up in his big, warm bed and let the weariness seep from his body. Especially since Sirius appeared to have vanished a half hour before, most likely in search of more liquor, so he would have their dormitory to himself. But there was no chance of him getting any rest with the racket coming from downstairs.

At roughly ten minutes to midnight Remus couldn't take it anymore. The party mongers had begun to sing, or rather, screech along with the WWN, and poor Remus was sure that if he didn't vacate Gryffindor Tower immediately his head would explode. Violently.

And so he made his way round the overturned furniture, over the spilt Pumpkin Pasties that were quickly meshing with the carpet, and about the flailing students to the portrait hole, through which he exited.

"I can't say I blame you, dear," the Fat Lady called after him. He waved to her in recognition with his free hand. The other was being used to rub his temple.

As he retreated farther and farther from the common room, the less his head throbbed. Somewhere in the castle a clock chimed midnight. It might have been his imagination, but Remus thought he felt a shudder under his feet coming from the direction of the Fat Lady's portrait. Regardless, he was thankful for avoiding the commotion New Year's always ensued. The party would be in even fuller swing now, though, so Remus continued his walk. He loved walking; it was probably his favorite thing about being a prefect. It cleared his head, no matter how exhausted he was. And the castle was always so serene at night.

The young werewolf continued his circuit of the fourth floor, his headache becoming less distinct with every step. He rounded the corner to the corridor farthest from Gryffindor Tower, and suddenly felt as though he had crashed into a brick wall.

From the way he was standing, Sirius might have been staring out the window if it hadn't been for the fact that Lily Evans was wrapped around him. From her seat on the window ledge she had encircled Sirius' waist with her legs and wound her long fingers in his hair. Sirius, for his part, didn't seem to mind; it could be ventured to say that, judging by the way he was snogging her, he wasn't the bit opposed to their position.

Oh crap.

"Oh crap!"

Sirius practically jumped off of Lily, who turned to stare wide eyed at Remus. The two looked at each other, open mouthed, then at Remus, and then back at each other. Lily stood from the window, running a hand nervously through her hair.

"I, um, I think I had better go to bed now."

Sirius took a few steps closer to her, his head tilted to the side. "Lily, don't."

"No," she laid a hand on his chest that made Remus' stomach turn. "No, it's ok. You two need to talk."

Sirius gave her a small smile and squeezed her hand. As she pulled away, he reached up and gave her ponytail a tug, Out of the corner of his eye, Remus saw her roll her own as she walked past him. Her footsteps echoed on the stone floor until she turned the corner and they faded away.

"Lily Evans?" Remus hissed.

"Moony, before you freak out―"

"Lily Evans? What the hell are you thinking?"

"I know who she is, Moony."

"Then you should know that your best friend has been in love with her for six years!"

Sirius stared at his feet. "I know," he mumbled.

"You've got to be the worst best friend on the planet."

"I know!" his voice rang through the corridor. "I know. I didn't mean for it to happen like this."

Remus brought a hand to his face. "Let me guess; you're going to tell me it's just one of your harmless flings. That she's the only girl in school you've yet to snog. You're going to tell that as soon as James gets back you and Lily won't so much as look at each other again." Please, please let him say that.

When he removed his hand from over his eyes Sirius was staring into them. "That's not what I was going to say Moony."

Remus groaned and let his hands fall to his side. "So what happens now? You and James start a war over Lily? That's not fair to Lily and it's really unfair to me. And Peter."

"We've got a plan."

A plan? "How long has this…_thing_ been going on exactly?"

Sirius smiled sheepishly at him. "Well, technically we didn't get together until a couple days ago. But we've kind of been going back and forth with each other since Halloween."

Two months? Damn. He really was a terrible best friend. But, reflecting on it then, Remus had to admit he should have seen it coming. Those fleeting looks in the halls, the way Sirius tensed up whenever she walked into a room. Not to mention the position they'd been found in after the Death Eater attack in Hogsmeade. Sirius had kept a firm hand on the small of her back as the Aurors had escorted them back to the castle. And the way he had stared at her when she said she'd be staying over break… Man, how had he missed that?

"Moony." Remus refocused on Sirius. "Moony, I didn't mean for this to happen. It just sort of…happened, you know? It…I…You don't pick who you fall in love with."

Remus felt his jaw slack and his heart drop to the pit of his stomach. Hell had frozen over. "You're in love with her?"

Sirius sighed and ran a hand through his unruly hair. "I don't know. I don't know. She's not like anyone else I've ever met before. She's…me, but prettier and a better person. You know?"

Remus stared at him. No, he really didn't know.

"Look, I know I've been with a lot of girls. Believe me, I know. But this time it's different. She _gets_ me. I don't know what love feels like, but if I ever get a chance at finding out I'm sure it'll be with her."

Remus sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. This was tuning out to be messier than he had initially thought it would be. He needed chocolate.

"I don't like this." Sirius opened his mouth to protest, but Remus held a hand up. "I don't like this, but I understand it. Kind of. And I hope for all our sakes that this actually works out, Padfoot. What's your plan for Prongs?"

Sirius, whose face had split into a blinding grin, put his arm around his friend's shoulders and began to lead him back to the common room. (By then everyone in there had either fallen into a drunken stupor or just gone ahead and passed out.) "We're going to ease him into it. Once term starts back up Lily's going to be spending a lot more time with us. You're ok with that, right?"

"Of course." At this rate he'd let Professor Slughorn adopt him if it would restore reality.

"So Lily and I are kinda going to hint at the fact that we're together for a while and tell him when he starts showing signs that he might be ok with it."

"What if he doesn't figure it out?"

Sirius shrugged uncomfortably. "I guess we'll tell him when we both can suck it up enough to handle whatever his reaction will be." (Naïve, isn't he?)

Remus, however, found himself nodding his head. "That…might actually work."

Sirius stopped walking and pulled his arm away from Remus. "You doubted my brilliance?"

"Yes," Remus laughed. "Just promise me something."

"At this rate I'd promise you my firstborn son."

"I don't think Lily would appreciate that very much." Sirius growled at him. "Seriously, though, don't wait around forever to tell James, Padfoot. I can't imagine that you and Lily will have a good time of sneaking around."

"I know," Sirius sighed. "But it's worth it." He looked Remus squarely in the eye. "Lily's worth it."

Remus shook his head. "Wow, Padfoot. It's nice to see that you're finally acting somewhat mature."

Sirius slapped him on the back. Hard.

* * *

_Now you know why this chapter is so cool. I love Lupin, I really do. And I wanted to end this chapter on a happy note, because things are gonna get a little darker from now on. Or a lot darker. It depends on where we're at. A will say that some major shit is gonna go down around chapter 23._

_The title is _Just Friends _by Gavin DeGraw._

_A warning of which you should not necessarily freak out about: As my classes have officially started back up, updates may be rather sporadic after the next chapter. I'm truly very sorry; I don't like it any more than you do. I feel like I'll be letting ya'll down. But I digress._

_Til next Saturday!_


	8. Except Me and My Monkey

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Absolutely nothing. Which is why I'm willing to take bribes.**

* * *

As it happened, the plan wasn't exactly foolproof. Everything had started out fine; when term began Lily had commenced spending more time amongst the Marauders. She and her friends had started eating lunch in their general vicinity, she would advise them on homework matters when asked, (which Sirius and, to an extent, Remus made a point of doing) she would even sit with them in the common room when Frank and Alice had Heads duty and Marlene was off somewhere with Archie. It had been going swimmingly. James had even begun to hit on her with less frequency.

The problems had started when Sirius and Lily had started behaving flirtatiously in front of James. For some strange reason that Lily couldn't begin to fathom, James had taken the fact that she started sitting closer to Sirius and speaking directly to him more often than the others as signs that she was, in fact, interested in him. Sirius had confided in her that James told him that he was sure her behavior indicated that she was too shy to express her real feelings for him. So James, while not being as publically expressive of his love as before, had resumed pursuing Lily with gusto. The boy had obviously been Confunded as an infant.

Lily bore it all, though, because privately she was the happiest girl at Hogwarts. Though Sirius' fear of betraying James hadn't subsided, he had been a better boyfriend than could have imagined. Despite his womanizing reputation, Sirius had made every effort to actually _be _with Lily. He told her everything about his relationship with his family, about how important his friendship with the Marauders was to him, about his fear of losing it all. He trusted her more so than anyone else before her. It made her feel special.

They had to be very sneaky, though. Sirius would make up stories about going to the kitchens for a snack or needing to walk off thoughts of his brother so that he could meet Lily during her prefect rounds. Remus, albeit reluctantly, had even covered for them so that they could slip up to the Astronomy Tower on her birthday. Lily, for her part, hadn't breathed a word of their relationship to her friends, having told them the reason for her sudden fraternizing with the Marauders was a result of spending Christmas with only Sirius and Remus for real company. Marlene was too caught up in her own romance to be overly interested in Lily's social life, but Alice was obviously suspicious. However, being Alice, she said nothing; she had always been a firm believer in keeping her nose out of other people's business, bless her heart.

And so, when, during her rounds one night in the second week of February, Lily was pulled behind a tapestry on the seventh floor and slammed against the stone wall beneath, she wasn't the least bit surprised. Nor was she shocked when a large body pressed against hers and began assaulting her mouth. In fact, she would have been insulted if he hadn't.

Sirius found her hands and held them against the stone wall at either side of her head. It was becoming acutely difficult for Lily to conjure up a single word within her mind, let alone breathe. Every nerve in her body had been ignited. Her lungs were on fire. Just as she thought she might pass out, Sirius regretfully withdrew his lips and rested his forehead against hers. The rest of his body, however, kept her firmly pressed to the wall. She didn't mind. Sirius' breath was hot on her nose; his eyes were blissfully closed.

"Happy Valentine's Day, love," he whispered.

"Valentine's Day isn't until Monday." Was that her high, breathy voice?

He chuckled, and she could feel his body vibrate against hers. "I know. But I wasn't sure if I'd have a chance to be alone with you between now and then."

"You're a very preemptive person."

"I know I am." He tilted his head to run his nose along her jaw. "You're going to have an eventful Monday."

Lily groaned. "Let me guess; James?"

"Yep." Sirius pressed a kiss against her collarbone. "He's going to read you a poem declaring his undying love at the beginning of Potions."

Lily groaned again. That boy was an evil genius. As his two star members of the Slug Club, Slughorn had been encouraging James in his pursuit for years. At least he was guaranteed to back pleasure from James exhibition. "Where does he come up with this stuff?"

"Actually, I wrote this one. Prongs asked if I would," he murmured into her neck.

Lily began giggling uncontrollably. "You wrote romantic poetry? About me?"

He dropped her hands so that he could cradle her face in his. He moved his head so that their noses brushed. "Of course I did." She wrapped her arms around his neck as he kissed her.

She sighed as he pulled back. "We're going to have to tell him soon. Eventually we'll get caught."

"I know." He rested his head on top of hers. "I know." Sirius sighed against her red locks. "I'm such a traitor."

Lily grabbed his neck firmly and pushed him gently away from her. "You're not a traitor."

"Yeah, I am―"

"No." She pressed her hand against his cheek. "You aren't a traitor. You're a good, thoughtful, decent person who just happened to find someone exactly like him. Neither one of us can control the way we feel; we just do. And if James Potter is any sort of friend at all he'll understand that."

In the darkness, Sirius pressed a kiss to the heel of her hand. "I know. It's just…I know. I'll tell him soon."

Lily encircled his neck with her arms again and pressed herself against him. They fit together seamlessly. "_We'll_ tell him soon." She stood on her toes so that she could lean up to breathe in his ear. "Sirius." She could feel the rumble in his chest. "Why are we talking about James?"

He responded by slamming her back against the wall.

* * *

_First off, let me apologize profusely for the lateness of this chapter. FFN was giving me crap and I had to take a back door route getting this thing updated. I hope you'll understand. Anyway, this was probably the fluffiest chapter in the whole shabang, so revel in it while you can._

_The chapter title was supposed to be _Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey _by The Beatles, but apparently chapter titles aren't supposed to be that long. It's not my fault John Lennon gave the song such a freaking long name. Again, I'm sorry; this site and I are having marital issues. I think we need counseling._

_And now we've reached a point of uncertainty in our little journey together. I've got nothing. Well, that's not necessarily true; I'm working on the next chapter but I have no idea when it will be finished. Same thing goes for the thirty other chapters that need to be written. I really did pick a bad time to start dramaturging, didn't I. Just the same, though, thank ya'll for the reviews. You really are the nicest people, even though you are a bit presumptive._

_Til Whenever!_


	9. Sometime Around Midnight

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter there would be no need for me to take final exams. I'll let you figure that one out.**

* * *

James was still in the dark a month later. Valentine's Day had gone off without a hitch; Lily had been sufficiently embarrassed in front of their entire Potions class. However, she had made a point of showing Sirius just how she felt about it when they had next been able to sneak off.

Sneak off. Sirius hated the phrase. It implied that what they were doing was wrong. Well, it was, but when it was just him and Lily Sirius forgot to feel nefarious.

Yet at that moment he was, in fact, sneaking off. Lily had prefect duty and he'd told James he'd left his Astronomy book in the library. Neither Prongs nor Wormtail had a book to lend him; it was perfect. So perfect it made him sick. Since when had he become so cold and calculating? That was his father's specialty. But Lily was like a drug. LSD or whatever it was that had turned John Lennon so damned warped. The second he had a mouthful of Lily everything would be right with the world.

He was in a daze of her as he walked up the fourth floor staircase, out of Remus' territory which, as the full moon was that evening, was being covered by Frank. Rounding through the corridor, she was the only thing he could see. Her eyes, her smile, her laugh. They'd become some sort of psychedelic haze he'd slid into. (Maybe he really was on drugs, huh?) He wasn't aware of hardly anything else until he came to the corner of the fifth floor corridor, just before the stairs.

"Shouldn't we be heading back now?"

"What are you, Mulciber, chicken? We're not even doing anything."

Sirius refocused his eyes and slunk back behind the corner. Those voices were all too familiar.

"Maybe he's right Jugson. Evans has patrol duty tonight and you know how those Gryffindors love busting us."

Sirius' blood warmed and began to pulsate painfully through his arms and chest. That greasy voice.

"Snape, you're pathetic. Scared of that bird, honestly."

"Yeah man, what kind of Slytherin are you?"

"Shut up Mulciber. I just defended you."

"Like I'd ever accept help from a Muggle-sympathizer."

"I hate that Mudblood, alright. I just don't want to do detention with McGonagall again."

That tore it. That really tore it.

Sirius pelted around the corner, his feet coming down hard on the floor, like mallets. "Hey Snape!"

The Slytherins were huddled near the staircase, bathed in shadows. A head of long, greasy hair slung around to face Sirius; Jugson and Mulciber could be seen over his shoulder. "What do you want Black?"

Sirius kept walking until he reached Snape. Grabbing him by the shoulder, he pulled him over to the other side of the staircase. Or tried to, rather; three Slytherin wands were suddenly aimed at his heart.

"Get off me, Black!"

If looks could kill, the boy would have been a potato crisp. "I've got a proposition for you, Snape. One that I'm only willing to offer in private. Call off your mates."

The three other boys eyed him suspiciously, never lowering their wands. Mulciber looked particularly acidic. However, a greedy gleam appeared in Snape's eyes at the mention of a secret. Sirius doubted anyone had ever let him in on private information before. It made his skin crawl.

The gears turning in Snape's head suddenly came to a halt. "Alright. But we're going to stand just on the other side of the stairs."

Sirius didn't reply, he just walked over to the shadow of the stone, seething silently. Snape followed. "What do you want, Black?" he repeated.

It was best to cut to the chase. "You know how Lupin disappears all the time?" Snape nodded. "Well, if you go out to the Whomping Willow tonight you'll find out why."

The sneer on Snape's face transformed into a look of perplexity. "What?"

"Look, hit the knot on the base and the tree will freeze. Follow the path that opens up and you'll find Lupin. I swear, it's true."

Snape's brow furrowed into a series of greasy lines. "Why should I believe you? This is probably just another one of your sick pranks. For all I know Potter's out on the grounds waiting to turn my feet into pumpkins again."

"James thinks I'm in the library looking for my Astronomy book. He has no idea I'm talking to you."

The other boy made a rude, disbelieving noise. "Look Snape, I've got my reasons for telling you. Have you ever heard one of us even acknowledge that Remus leaves? There's a reason, and believe me, I'll get just as much from your knowing as you will.

He could see the longing in Snape's eyes, the thirst to discredit his enemies. Pathetic. "I swear, I'm not making this up."

That was just enough to send him over the edge. Snape took a few steps back to the other Slytherins. "If it turns out your lying, Black―"

"Yeah, yeah, you'll send your dogs after me. Just go. You don't have much time."

With that Snape turned and ran down the corridor, tripping slightly as he turned the corner. The other two boys glared at Sirius suspiciously.

Sirius shrugged. "I'm sure he'll tell you in the morning." And with that, he ascended the stairs and made his way through the sixth floor, never once looking back.

Damn that git. How dare he call Lily a Mudblood? From what he understood of the situation, Lily had at one point cared about that vermin for some reason or the other and he had turned his back on her. There was no sin greater than being a traitor.

Sirius wasn't particularly watching where he was going, but it didn't matter. Lily, Lily, Lily. Her name pounded through his mind like the thudding of his heart. He had to get to her, had to bury his head in that rose petal hair and pretend the rest of the world didn't exist. To hear her tell him he wasn't the bad guy.

Was he? After all, he'd just…No, Snape deserved whatever he got. He'd been allowed to carry on for too long. Honestly.

Sirius didn't understand why his stomach suddenly felt like it was collapsing in on itself. Why it was becoming harder and harder to make his feet move down the hall. Snape deserved it. He deserved it. He deserved…

Oh God.

He spun around so fast it was a miracle he didn't topple over and ran back down the hall. He didn't care how loud his feet were as they slapped the floor. Taking the stairs two steps at a time, he sprinted back to the common room.

James would know what to do. He had always been the logical one; he'd be able to figure out a plan in a split second. Sirius didn't even pay attention to his surrounding until he turned into the corridor before the Fat Lady's portrait.

"_Morirse_!" he shouted.

Had he been able to see in the darkness, he would have observed the Fat Lady's eyes widen into saucers before swinging open. He didn't slow down, just hurled himself through the portrait hole into the common room.

It was a sign of how predictably flamboyant he'd become that no one bothered to acknowledge his admittedly explosive entrance. And for once, Sirius could have cared less. He stumbled through the assorted chairs until he came to a stop at the Marauder's usual table in front of the fire. James looked up from his Herbology essay when Sirius blocked out the light from the fire.

"Hey Padfoot. Find your book?"

"I told Snape how to find Moony."

James' head snapped back up. "What?" Wormtail, who was at his left, did a good job of sputtering and gasping."What do you mean you told Snape?"

Sirius couldn't catch his breath; the air was sticking to his throat. "I just snapped, okay. He was saying all this shit and it just sort of came out."

James' jaw hung slightly open. His head was shaking ever so slightly. "Moony's going to kill him."

"I realize that now."

Prongs' eyes remained unfocused. "We've got to stop him."

Had the situation not been so desperate Sirius would have rolled his eyes. "Yeah, but how are we gonna do that?"

James' eyes locked on him and he rose from his seat, knocking over books as he did. "We're going after him." Sirius nodded, and they both rushed to the portrait hole, Peter stumbling behind them in his panic. Once they were through the running began. The three boys sprinted to the end of the corridor before James called over his shoulder, "Sirius, go get Dumbledore," and turned to the left, Peter always two steps behind him.

Right. Dumbledore. Why hadn't he thought of that?

Sirius pelted down the hall to his right, not stopping for anything, not even when a voice shouted, "Hold it right there!

"Sirius!"

Lily.

Perfect.

He kept running. Maybe she would realize that he was doing something important. Maybe

Of course, being Lily she didn't. She ran after him, managing to maintain a pace several steps behind him. Every once in a while she would call out his name, but he continued to ignore her. Merlin, this would be so much easier if she weren't involved.

Dumbledore's office was on the seventh floor. Sirius had no idea how long it took them to reach it; he just prayed they made it in time. Upon arriving he skidded passed the two gargoyles and had to jog back to them. Lily, to her credit, instantaneously jumped down his throat.

"What the hell are you doing? Don't you realize what time it is? Wha―will you stop ignoring me!"

Sirius tapped on the head of the right gargoyle. It jumped slightly and called to its companion, who shook awake and stared at the boy through heavy lids.

"You again?" (Silly, of course he was a frequent visitor. Duh.) "Don't you know what time it is?"

Lily made an indignant noise behind him.

"I need in. Quick. It's an emergency."

The right gargoyle rolled its stone eyes. "Well then, you should've just said the password."

"What part of emergency don't you―"

"Chocolate Cauldrons."

Sirius spun to gape at his girlfriend as the spiral staircase began to ascent to Dumbledore's door. Her brows furrowed. "What are you waiting for?" And with that he jumped onto the moving staircase and climbed two steps at a time to the top, Lily behind him.

His adrenaline waned as the staircase came to a stop. How exactly did one go about telling their headmaster that they'd essentially fed a fellow student to a werewolf? Did he burst in? Did he knock? It sounded like Dumbledore was talking to someone, if the faint sounds coming through the door were any indication.

"Oh, for Pete's sake," said Lily as she reached over his shoulder to on the brass doorknocker. "Professor Dumbledore?"

The noises quieted. Sirius gulped. "Yes? Come in, please."

Well, at least he didn't sound irritated. That was always a good start. Gulping again, Sirius gripped the handle and pushed the door open.

There was Dumbledore, sitting calmly behind his desk with his hands folded atop it. Never had Sirius felt so disappointed with himself as he did looking into those twinkling blue eyes, knowing that in just a minute he was going to make that smile disappear. Bother Snape.

"Mr. Black. Ms. Evans. What can I do for you two at this hour?"

Sirius' hand subconsciously moved to the back of his neck. "Professor, I've done something terrible."

Dumbledore's smile vanished slowly, but the twinkle hadn't completely gone yet. "Sirius, what happened?"

_Breathe_, he told himself. _Remember to breathe_. "I told Severus Snape where to find Remus. He's gone after him, sir."

The twinkle disappeared. "You what?"

"Professor, I'm so sorry. I was so angry at him, it just sort of came out."

Dumbledore had already stood and hurried to the portraits of the former headmasters. They were all lucid and in various states of outrage. "Armando, please wake Professor McGonagall and ask her to meet us at the Whomping Willow. And then Professor Slughorn as well, if you please. Dexter, ask Madam Pomfrey to be ready in the Hospital Wing." Turning back to his students, he asked, "Sirius, tell me how long ago did Severus go after Mr. Lupin?"

"Umm…" Ages ago, as far as he could tell. "Half an hour, maybe. James and Peter have gone after him."

"Then there isn't much time." Dumbledore was already halfway out the door. Sirius looked briefly at a very bewildered Lily, who appeared to be at a loss for words. He jerked his head toward the door, and then took off after Dumbledore.

The headmaster was already down the spiral staircase and a quarter of the way down the hall by the time they caught up with him. How could such an old man move so fast? It didn't matter; they had seven floors to go.

They ran in silence with Dumbledore at the head. He seemed deeply focused, and Sirius couldn't bring himself to think about what was going through the old man's head. He certainly didn't want to consider what was going through his.

And Lily…What would she think of him after this? James, Peter, and Remus would understand; each of them would probably have done the same thing in his situation. Well, maybe not Remus. Or Peter. He lacked the nerve. But Lily would hate him. She was too good a person to understand the logic of causing another person bodily harm. Even if that person was a foul-mouthed, bigoted little bastard of a person.

It was official. Tonight would be the last night of his life. Dumbledore would expel him. He sure as hell wasn't going to stay with his parents, but he was certain the Potter or his cousin Andromeda wouldn't want to take in a murderer. Or manslaughterer. Whatever

And the most incredible girl in the world was going to dump his ass.

Reality set in as he jumped the last step of the first floor staircase, out of breath as he struggled to keep up with Dumbledore. Sirius had no idea how much time had passed, but he knew there couldn't be much left. Lily slipped behind him and caught his arm as they began descending the marble staircase.

"Dumbledore!"

Slughorn had just waddled up from his dungeon office. The headmaster, already three-quarters of the way down the stairs, called back to him. "Horace! Thank goodness; quickly, to the Whomping Willow. We haven't much time."

"Dumbledore, wha―"

The great oak doors cracked open and three figures shuffled in. One was shorter than the others, and one of the taller ones appeared to be dragging the other through the doors. Even in the dim light Sirius recognized them immediately.

"Professor, we've got him!" James called.

Sirius swore he would never be so happy to see Severus Snape again in his life.

Dumbledore and Slughorn were already rushing to the boys. Lily tightened her grip on Sirius' arm and practically dragged him down the stairs. Snape was virtually in hysterics.

"It's in there! Professor, it's in there! A werewolf!"

Slughorn came to an abrupt halt halfway between the boys and the dungeons, but Dumbledore continued striding forward until he came to a stop by Snape's free, flailing arm. Gently but firmly, he took the boy by the arm. "Quiet, Severus. We need to get to the Hospital Wing now, if you could." Looking over Snape's head to the other boy, Dumbledore inclined his head toward James. "Mr. Lupin?" James nodded firmly. "He's still up in the Shrieking Shack, sir. I pulled Snape back just in time."

Dumbledore let out a relieved puff of air and nodded to the hands James kept tight on Snape's arm. "If you please, James." James nodded again and helped the headmaster begin to move the struggling boy forward. Slughorn and Wormtail followed behind wearily.

Again, Lily gripped Sirius' arm and pulled him forward. "I don't understand what's happening.

Sirius choked back a sigh. This would be the worst part, and he knew it couldn't be held off much longer. Of all people, Lily had the right to know every secret he'd ever had.

"Sirius, talk to me. Please."

The sigh came out this time. "Later."

She was silent. They all were, with the exception of Snape's nonsensical babbling. It wasn't until they reached the second floor that a real voice penetrated their cloudy minds as Professor McGonagall hurried up in her tartan dressing gown.

"Professor Dumbledore! Professor! What on earth is all this?" She eyed the Marauders suspiciously. "What have they done now?"

"Werewolf!" Snape spat out. (Quite literally; the poor boy was probably going into shock.)

Even in the pale moonlight a considerable amount of color could be seen draining from McGonagall's face. "Albus?" she asked in a shaky voice, turning her bespectacled eyes to the headmaster.

He held up one long hand from Snape's arm. "At the moment we need to focus our efforts on escorting Mr. Snape to the Hospital Wing. I fear he's had quite the shake up this evening.

McGonagall nodded and walked forward briskly with the rest of the group. Lily and Sirius brought up the rear, just behind Peter.

Counting quickly, Sirius realized they had just one more floor to go before go before they reached the Hospital Wing. Which meant he had one floor left with Lily. If she didn't hate him now, she would in about ten minutes. Carefully, he pulled his arm from her vice grip to press his palm to the small of her back. She said nothing; she didn't even look at him. She just took a small step closer to him so their sides were almost touching.

This was it. The last time he would be so near her. The last time he would touch her this way. The last time he would smell her rose petal hair.

He savored it.

And all too soon they were at the door of the Hospital Wing; Madam Pomfrey was ready and waiting at the door with a bottle of Pepper-Up Potion, which she promptly forced down Snape's throat. She ushered the sputtering boy to the nearest bed before rounding on Dumbledore. "Albus, what in heaven's name is the meaning of this?"

The headmaster raised his hands as the others shuffled in. "Poppy, I myself would like to know that. Would it be alright if I asked Mr. Snape a few questions?"

Madam Pomfrey gave her affirmation, and Dumbledore sat on the bed opposite Snape. "Severus, this is very important. I need you to tell me exactly what happened tonight."

"There's a werewolf in the Shrieking Shack." Evidently, one of the side effects of Pepper-Up Potion was repetitiveness.

Dumbledore remained patient. "I know that, Severus. I just need you to tell me how you know."

Snape's eyes wandered over the crowd of faces until they rested on Sirius. "Black told me. He said if I wanted to know where Lupin is always disappearing to I should go through the Whomping Willow. Told me how to freeze it and everything."

The headmaster looked over his shoulder to stare at Sirius. "Is this true, Mr. Black?"

Sirius closed his eyes. He could feel the burn of the others' glares; he didn't need to see them as well. "Yes, sir."

McGonagall, Slughorn, and Madam Pomfrey each burst forward with cries of indignation, but one voice sounded above the others.

"Expel him!"

Sirius opened his eyes to glare at Snape. Yes, he deserved it, but couldn't the little punk wait until he'd said his bit before condemning him? Oh, who was he kidding? It was Snape, after all.

Dumbledore held up his hands for silence once more and shifted his entire body to face Sirius. "Sirius, what on earth possessed you to do this? I had encouraged Mr. Lupin to reveal his condition to his friends, but never in my wildest dreams did I suspect they would abuse the knowledge in such a manner."

Touché, Dumbledore. Touché.

"Wait a minute." Why oh why couldn't Snape just shut up? "You let Lupin in even though you knew he's a werewolf? Are you crazy? He's dangerous; I know from experience."

Dumbledore sighed a genuine sigh and rubbed his hand over his eyes. Sirius felt even guiltier for putting the old man through this. "I had hoped to wait until after we had all the information out in the open, but I suppose circumstances call for it now. Severus, I need you to swear to me that you will not tell a soul about Mr. Lupin's condition. Swear to me, Severus."

Snape's horrible black eyes bugged out. "Are you crazy?" he repeated. "He's a monster, a danger to everyone here!"

"Severus." It was scary how sharp Dumbledore's voice could get when he was angry, "Remus is no more dangerous than any other student at this school. I would bet my life on that. Now promise me, Severus."

Never had the Slytherin looked so pissed. "Fine. I promise."

Dumbledore nodded solemnly before turning to Lily. "Ms. Evans?"

"Of course," she choked out, her eyes absolutely feral with a cocktail of emotions. Sirius flinched away from them.

Satisfied, the headmaster turned back to Sirius. "Mr. Black, what possessed you to do this?"

He sighed. "I don't know. I don't know. I was looking for my Astronomy book and I snapped, okay. I just snapped. I couldn't take any of his extremist crap anymore." Sirius sank forward to lean on the railing of the bed. He stared up into Dumbledore's piercing eyes. "Professor, I realized about two minutes later what a mistake I'd made. Which is why I got James and Peter to go after him. They didn't have anything to do with him finding out; they were just trying to be good friends."

Professor Dumbledore nodded somberly. "And Ms. Evans―"

"―had no idea what was going on. She was only doing her job. Please, professor, don't punish her for my mistake."

Dumbledore sighed. He understood. McGonagall, however, couldn't contain herself any longer.

"Two-hundred points from Gryffindor, Mr. Black, and first thing tomorrow―"

"Minerva," said Dumbledore, ever the peacemaker. "It has been a very long night. I suggest we leave it at that and send these four back to their dormitories. Punishments can be handed out in the morning.

McGonagall pierced her lips but acquiesced nonetheless. There was a beat in which everyone simply stared at each other, and then: "Well, what are you four waiting for? Go, go!"

And they did go, go. Right down to the end of the floor they go, goed. And then James couldn't hold in anymore.

"What the bloody hell were you thinking, huh? I know it's Snape, but that was just too far, Padfoot. Are you insane?"

"James…" Sirius had sunken to the floor and was hunched over against the wall. "I'm sorry, James."

"Sorry? Sorry? He could have _died_, Sirius. Do you realize the position you'd have put us in?"

Sirius, ashamed though he was, ignored his best friend and looked up at Lily, who had retreated to stand in front of the window. Her eyes were either angry or hurt or betrayed. Probably all three, but right now he just needed her to understand. "He called you a Mudblood."

She stiffened and James' mouth snapped closed. Peter gave a little gasp in the corner. "What?" she whispered.

"He called you a Mudblood. And I just…After everything he's done to you I just couldn't…" Sirius' voice cracked. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He couldn't hold his head up any longer and hunched back over.

Lily stared at him, her face undergoing a metamorphosis. James and Peter held their breaths. Tentatively, Lily put one foot forward, and then another, and then another until she found herself squatting next to Sirius. He gazed up at her through his hair, his storm cloud eyes absolutely overflowing. "I'm so sorry."

Gingerly, hesitantly, she slid her arms around him. "I know you are. I know."

For a moment they just sat there with him in her arms, inhaling her rose petal smell. It revitalized him. She was the spinach to his Popeye. They had quite likely forgotten about the other two until James croaked out, "Moony."

Sirius and Lily's heads snapped up. James' face was one of sheer, unadulterated horror. Well, it looked as though the jig was up. And the Comic Muse, naughty thing that she is, couldn't have picked a worse night to do it.

But, to his credit, James must have realized now probably wasn't the best moment to explore this new development, and continued with his thought. "We, um, we need to go help Moony. He's probably freaking out."

Sirius saw the wisdom in this; he owed Remus for a lifetime, so he might as well start now, but Lilly had to understand what was going on. He turned to her only to see a determined set to her emerald eyes.

"Whatever it is you're doing, just make sure you come back."

"I don't deserve you."

A small smile graced her lips. "Get going."

Sirius squeezed her hand and stood to face James, who had turned back to watch the scene from the end of the hall, Peter having gone on ahead. He nodded once to his friend before running forward at full speed. James followed, and within seconds Lily was alone.

For a long while she just sat there processing things. So Remus was a werewolf. Figured. Honestly, thinking back the signs were so obvious it was a wonder no one had figured it out before.

And Sirius...Well, he had been defending her honor, but in the end his teenage boyness had prevailed. The fact of the matter was Lily had no clue where they would go from there. She knew how easy it would be to take that next little step, to let herself fall in love with him. But after tonight…

A clock chimed three as the gravity of what had just happened set in. Her…boyfriend?...and his two mates, one of whom could barely hold a wand, had gone after an unstable teenage werewolf. She bolted up gracelessly from the floor and followed the path they had taken.

Evidently, they had done this before, but it made no sense. How did they expect to calm down a werewolf? Lily reasoned that had they needed help with something this serious they would have gone back to Dumbledore, but she needed to be as close to Sirius as possible, to make sure he was alright.

Before she knew it Lily was at an impasse, standing on the bottom step of the marble staircase. Slowly, she sank down to sit on the marble, her back resting against the banister. The oak doors were closest to the Whomping Willow, so she figured they would return through them.

She sat on the step for several hours, allowing the cold to numb her body as she had already numbed her mind to thoughts of all that had occurred in the past few hours. At some point the sun rose; Lily was too caught up in watching the doors to notice. Not long after dawn the other students began to trickle down for breakfast. Many of them gave her odd looks as they passed, but her blatant ignorance to the world around her caused them to give her a wide berth.

There weren't that many students in the Great Hall when the oak doors opened slightly to reveal Peter, who held them open for the other Marauders. Remus' arm dangled across James' shoulders as the other boy helped him in, and Sirius brought up the rear.

He looked like hell. Purple rings coated his lower eyelids and his shaggy hair was an impossible mess. But his eyes locked on her, and immediately some color returned to his ghostly skin.

Lily didn't think, she just let her feet pick her up off the stairs and weave their way through the students. There was no way to tell if she had run or walked to Sirius, but in an instant her arms were around his neck. He stiffened against her, most likely in shock, but he softened just as quickly and wrapped his arms around her waist.

"This doesn't mean I'm not mad at you, because I am. It's just that you need me right now."

Sirius closed his eyes and buried his face in her neck, his dark hair meshing with her red.

Neither saw Peter's jaw drop as he looked rapidly between the two of them and James, nor did they hear Remus utter a relieved sigh, nor did they see the other students begin to point and throw curious, disbelieving looks their way. They were too lost in each other.

James, for his part, blinked slowly several times before tightening his grip on Remus' shoulder and continuing forward, leaving his best friend and his inamorata in each others' arms.

* * *

_I know, I know, I know, I know. Really, I know. The only excuse I have to offer is crapload of school work, which doesn't make me feel any less guilty. So I'm sorry, I really am. But the good news is I'm off for Christmas starting next week, so I'll be about to write more. Which is great as I absolutely adore the next chapter. Think Chapter 7, but more complex. Speaking of which, I didn't think this chapter was my best work, but I'm hoping ya'll will excuse that as it's ABSOLUTELY EPICALLY HUGE. Just saying._

_The chapter title is after _Sometime Around Midnight_by The Airborne Toxic Event. Love them, bless their poor front man's heart._

_Also, I'd like to note that this fic has gotten over thirteen-hundred hits. I'm really rather flattered. And I'd like to take a moment to thank ya'll for sticking around for three months while I was off doing other trivial things. Ya'll are keepers_

_And as always, keep up that reviewing. I don't deserve it, but I do appreciate it. Thank ya'll so very much._

_'Til Next Time!_


	10. New Perspective

**Disclaimer: No, I didn't get the rights to Harry Potter in my stocking this year. Why do you ask?**

* * *

Well, who the heck could have seen that one coming? Sirius and Lily? Dude, come on. Up until the moment James saw it with his own eyes he would have never believed it. Really though, Sirius and Lily?

Thinking on it after the fact, the signs had been there. Since about Halloween Sirius had begun clamming up whenever she walked into a room. And the fact that Lily had started publically acknowledging their existence should have been a dead giveaway. But no; James had wandered around in his la-la land for three months while his best friend and the girl of his dreams were apparently sneaking around behind his back. It was like a bad film on Muggle television.

James had spent the entire weekend after what they had privately christened the "SnapeIncident" locked up in the sixth years' dormitory. Not because he was pouting, or, good Lord, crying. No. Of course not. It was just that Sirius and Lily had chosen to reveal their…relationship…in an extremely public manner and he had no idea how to face the world. So much of his life had revolved around Lily: wooing her, attempting to woo her, planning how to woo her, thinking about wooing her. And everyone knew it, too. He just couldn't face the looks everyone was sure to give him. The pathetic, pitying looks. Yuck.

And then, of course, there was Sirius. James had absolutely no idea what to say to him. Was he hurt? Yes. Was he betrayed? Yes. Was he furious? Hell, yes. But deep down he really just wanted to skip the awkwardness, the confrontation, and the soul-searching that was bound to happen and get to the part when they could be friends again. Because at the end of it all, Sirius was his best friend. His brother, really. And because of this they would inevitably find some way back to that.

Seriously, though, Sirius and Lily?

Damn.

According to Moony, Sirius spent that whole first weekend trying to get back in Lily's good graces. Not that he was really out of them because, apparently, they never left the other's side; Lily was simply, and rightly, very pissed at him. But it wasn't like she had dumped his ass or anything.

Once she was rather less infuriated Remus and Sirius had sat her down and explained everything. Really, everything. Greyback, Remus' secret keeping, the Animagusing, the Map. Everything. Remus said that she had taken it all in stride. Her only response after they had relayed thirteen years worth of information had been, "So that's where those ridiculous nicknames came from." ('At a girl.)

Oh, and Wormtail had lingered in the corner.

James managed to avoid Sirius completely that weekend, mostly because the other boy made a point of not coming up to their dormitory when James wasn't deeply asleep. It worked out well, because James, as previously mentioned, had no idea how to react to Sirius. Or if he could even control himself. But Monday did come, and in the end he did have to face the world.

That's not to say that he didn't put it off for as long as possible. No ,no, no, of course he did. As soon as he heard Sirius leave that morning (well, he had to put on his uniform, of course) James threw his clothes on and headed straight to Charms, their first class. The others would certainly be at breakfast, and he really didn't feel the need for whatever was going to happen to happen first thing in the morning. Besides, there was no way he could stomach food after the night he'd had.

Sitting at his usual Charms table, James pondered what move to make. He could always blatantly ignore them, but that kind of defeated the purpose of trying to mend their trampled friendship. They could have some loud, angry confrontation before class, but, again, that got them nowhere, except probably detention.

James still had nothing when they walked in with the other two Marauders and Marlene McKinnon. Sirius' arm was around Lily's waist and she was smiling her flawless smile. He looked away and didn't stop staring at the stack of textbooks Flitwick used as a podium until Remus slid into the chair next to his. Sirius' usual chair. The werewolf threw a half-hearted smile his way before proceeding to organize his textbooks. Sirius and Lily sat at the table in front of them. Neither looked back.

Class began a few minutes later, saving James from the breathless waiting for something, anything. However, he paid little Professor Flitwickno attention and chose instead to observe the couple in front of him. Taking an analytical approach to sorting through their current mess, he found them…interesting. After Flitwick explained the lesson (water to vinegar and back again) they oriented themselves around the other. Sirius kept his free hand resting on the back of her chair, and, whether it was conscious or not, Lily was leaning toward him. And there was something about the tone of their voices. They were…sweet. In a totally backstabbing kind of way.

But watching them gave James the insight he needed. Evidently they weren't going to break up for him. Come on, the connection between those two was practically tangible. And they seemed to be waiting for him to make the first move, so continuing to act standoffish wasn't going to help matters. By the time the bell rang he knew what he had to do.

He was going to grit his teeth and pretend nothing was different. Yeah. Right.

They went along with it seamlessly. James followed Lily and Sirius out of the classroom and said something like, "Please tell me one of you took notes; I completely zoned out just there." Sirius blinked at him once before launching into some joke about Moony being the smart one. Lily laughed along with it, and Remus and Peter had joined in by the time they made it to Transfiguration.

By the end of the day the whole school appeared to have gotten with the program. Well, not the Slytherins, but no one really expected them to.

The only problem with James' otherwise foolproof plan was the proximity in which he had to place himself with Hogwarts' new power couple. They were inseparable, in a pleasant sort of way. That didn't make it hurt any less, though, and for the first two weeks after his initial observation James couldn't look at them. He spent every meal either staring at his plate or talking directly to someone else. Lily's group of friends had officially meshed with the Marauders, so James spent almost every meal discussing Gryffindor's Quidditch chances with Frank Longbottom. (Desolate, as Sirius was off the team for the rest of the year. It had killed McGonagall to do it.) No one questioned it, thank God.

The third week, however, he made up his mind to start watching them again, and, quite frankly, they were beautiful. Sirius could make Lily laugh in a way that should only be allowed from angels, and he looked at her in a way that practically stopped time. It was unreal. And at the same time, they were behaving more naturally than they had in six months. And because of this, James decided to end his funk and start acting like Sirius' best friend again, instead of a stalker.

Which brought him to the end of the third week, which entailed one of the most momentous occasions in a young wizard's life; Apparation testing.

It was April in Scotland, so you can imagine what the weather was like. Most of the sixth years were testing and had packing themselves into a huddle as they waited at the entrance to Hogsmeade. A-D was almost finished, so E-H was nervously preparing to go. Meaning James was left with just Remus to stand with as Peter was underage. That was probably for the best, considering.

Nothing had really changed with Remus. Sure, he'd known practically the entire time, but after hearing his recount of the affair James found he could empathize with him. The poor guy had been caught between a rock and a hard place. Or two best friends. Whichever.

The A-Ds were coming back now, so the E-Hs staggered forward apprehensively. James watched discreetly as Sirius grabbed Lily's hand as they passed each other. She turned to smile at him over her shoulder, that curtain of hair of her like water in the sunlight. Their fingers stayed locked until it wasn't physically possible any longer.

Well, sometimes you just have to suck it up.

Sirius strode up to them while waving a piece of parchment. Sometimes he looked just like a dog when he grinned. Moony shook his head despite the smile on his face. "So I'm guessing you passed."

An offended look spread across Sirius' face. "You doubted me?"

"Yes."

James laughed. Really laughed. It felt good.

But then Sirius had to go and ruin it.

He'd always know when to pick the moment of least consequence, (with one glaring exception) and more likely than not he figured that it was the best time to strike now that James' spirits had suddenly lightened, because he said, "Man, we need to talk about Lily."

And there went the laughter. You have to admit it was kind of a low blow. Remus put his fingers to his temples and turned slightly away from the other two boys. Evidently he wouldn't be any help. James sighed inwardly; best to get this over with. "What about Lily?"

Sirius stuck his hands in his pockets. "You know."

Hell, did he know.

Sirius scrunched his eyes up and looked at his feet. "Well, you know, it's been a couple weeks since the," his eyes peeked up at Remus apologetically, "Snape Incident and you've never said how you feel about, er, me and Lily."

James closed his eyes. It was unavoidable, really, but that didn't make it any less awkward. Oh well. Maybe once this was over things would go back to normal, within reason of course. "What do you want me to say? You started dating the girl I'd had a crush on for six years behind my back and apparently the two of you get on well together."

"Um, yeah." Smooth. "Look Prongs, I know we could have handled this better, but I just didn't know how to tell you. I guess…I guess I really just need to know if you're okay with us."

"I'm―" What was he, exactly? Okay? Possibly. But not really. How could he be at this point? It was _Sirius and Lily_, for Lord's sake. But, in a weird kind of way, he was at peace with it. In a sense.

"I'm not okay with it." Sirius' head hung even lower. "But I think I will be. I just need some time to get used to it, you know? I mean, come on, who could have seen you and Lily coming?"

Sirius chuckled.

"Look, man." And Sirius did actually look up. "You're in love with her. It's obvious. I only started watching you two, and I mean really watching you, this week and even I can see it. That thing you did with your hands a minute ago…man, that just doesn't happen in real life.

"So yeah, I'm angry about it, but I'm cooling down. If she means even a fraction to you what she does to me then I understand completely. I mean, it's _Lily_."

"Thank God."

Remus was gazing heavenward, relief radiating from his face. Sirius raised an eyebrow at James and looked back to the boy. "You okay, Moony?"

"Oh, I'm super."

James laughed again. Twice in a half hour; he must be getting better.

"I-L, on your marks," rang Slughorn's booming voice. He was really getting a kick out of the testing. Who could blame him, really?

Remus gulped audibly. James couldn't help but roll his eyes. "Come on Moony, you're great at everything."

Said wunderkind raised his eyebrow in an uncannily Sirius-esce fashion, which caused the other two boys to double over in laughter. Remus sighed dramatically and sulked forward.

So James and Sirius remained laughing together, just like old times. Had they always felt that good? Probably; you just had to take the time to appreciate them.

James' moment of appreciation ended, though, when Lily appeared, launching herself at Sirius. He didn't miss a beat in scooping her up and spinning her around. Apparently she had gotten her license as well.

It was kind of strange how perfect they were together. Everything about them screamed epic love story: his smile, the sparkle in her jewel-like eyes, the way their arms fit around each other. It was one of those instances when you knew that God had made those people to find each other. Everything really was good to work out, James could tell.

It didn't mean it didn't suck, though.

* * *

_Well, there it is, the first of two James-centric chapters. Kudos to anyone who can guess which chapter the next one is. I might actually give you a present; you never know. I'm also terribly excited to hear what ya'll's thoughts on this angle. I hope I did it well. Oh, and just to rattle your brains, I had originally planned on killing someone at the end of this chapter, but as I was writing it I decided I wanted to end it on a lighter note. Chew on that!_

_Also, Happy New Year everyone! It seems like just yesterday the millennium hit. And the banks didn't crash. And a very Happy Belated Birthday to Jesus Christ. I actually finished this chapter on Christmas, in the same bed I wrote the first two chapters. Small world, no?_

_Anyway, the chapter title is _New Perspective_ by Panic at the Disco. Or Panic! at the Disco. I'm never sure._

_This is usually the part where I beg ya'll for reviews, but this time I thought I'd try guilting/bribing ya'll. Here is the guilt: I think that now we're far enough into this process that I should be getting more than one to two review per chapter, especially considering the number of people who have favorited or added this story to their alerts. It's kind of offensive. Here is the bribe: I have the last couple chapters written and am ready to post them at my discretion. If ya'll, my dearly beloved readers, are super nice and write at least five review I'll update on Tuesday. If not then you're waiting a week. Take your pick._

_Til Tuesday! Or Saturday! Whichever!_


	11. The Tracks of My Tears

**Disclaimer: If I were married to a doctor and had three kids Social Services would want to be getting involved.**

* * *

And so it ends. Another year over.

Such things had been repeated with such frequency that Lily was sick of them, even if they were true. June had come, as it inevitably would, and sixth year was over. That wasn't so bad. However, Frank and Alice had graduated, which was bad. Or so Lily had expected it to be.

It also explained why Lily had chosen not to sit with Sirius on the ride back to London; she needed a few last hours with Alice before her best friend had to face adulthood. And they needed to work on wedding plans before Mrs. Longbottom had a chance to initiate her reign of terror.

It was just the two girls and Frank in the carriage as Marlene was off in some corner with Harvey Dresler. They had considered asking poor Archie to sit with them, but in the end they figured it would just bring back too many painful memories for him. Poor Archie. You had to hand it to him, though; he'd lasted four months, which, considering it was Marlene, was quite a feat.

Alice, mother hen that she was, had tried to pester Lily into sitting with her boyfriend, but she wouldn't bite. Lily was under the impression that Sirius needed to spend some alone time with the Marauders since she'd been basically attached to his hip for the last three months. She felt kind of bad about it, but in her defense she physically ached when she wasn't near him. And when she had finally broken down and owned up to it, Sirius had recounted feeling a similar sensation when they were apart. Weird.

Also weird was James. He had taken things better than she could ever have imagined. Of course, he didn't look at her for about two weeks after that horrible night, but sometime around their Apparation tests he'd returned to pretty much normal, or a more mature version of normal. He'd been less inclined of late to pull pranks, which impressed Lily and had Remus thanking his lucky stars for making his life easier.

That also meant that Sirius spent less time pranking, because, as he put it, "It just wasn't worth it without Prongs." He said he didn't mind because he spent so much of his time with Lily, but she could tell that he missed the good old times with the old James.

Because James was acting differently. It was like his relationship with Sirius had a splinter; for all intents and purposed it was still intact, but there was a tiny, painful wedge in it that kept things from being fully normal. James wasn't completely distant from Sirius, but something had definitely changed.

Privately, Lily suspected James just didn't trust Sirius the way he used to, and, quite frankly, she couldn't blame him. Ignoring the fact that they'd dated behind his back for two and a half months, Sirius had practically fed Severus Snape to poor Remus. She was still upset about it. Yes, she had stopped being overbearingly angry with him after about a day, but she was falling in love with him so she was allotted lenience. James, on the other hand, had every right to be distrusting of Sirius. All the same, though, they were best friends, and they needed to remember that.

So an hour out of London, Lily found herself still sitting across from Alice and Frank as they playfully argued over entrées. (He wanted steak, she wanted chicken, and Mrs. Longbottom wanted fish.) It was strange, but she felt completely content; everything was right with the world. Eight months before she would have never believed she'd be alright with Alice leaving school, but now at the cusp of it she found herself to be oddly unconcerned. It wasn't like they were never going to see each other again; as maid of honor she doubted a day would go by before the wedding when they didn't communicate. And besides, now that she and Sirius were together she didn't have to worry about being alone next year.

She and Sirius were still working out how they were going to see each other over the holiday. He would be staying with the Potter's again, and she wasn't sure how receptive they would be to having her come round a lot; James was bound to have talked about her, which would make being introduced as Sirius' girlfriend more than a little awkward. And Sirius definitely fell into the "freakish" category, so having him around the house with Vernon about was out of the question so long as she planned on living under the same roof as Petunia. Oh well. They would just have to wander the streets or hang out at her dad's practice. Sirius was sure to be fascinated by an X-ray machine.

As she was thinking this, Archie Fawcett poked his head awkwardly in the compartment and said, "Um, Lily?"

Lily looked up to see the poor boy holding an envelope out to her while keeping both his feet planted in the hallway. "We let the owl carrying this in our window, and it's addressed to you, so…"

"Oh." Sure enough, her name was scrawled across the envelope. In Petunia's handwriting. Joy. "Well, thanks Archie."

He gave her a small smile (they'd always gotten along well) and pulled away from the glass door. "Hey, wait. Are you sure you don't want to sit with us?"

"Um…" Archie's eyes landed on Marlene's trunk on the baggage rack. "No, thank you." With that he rushed out of the compartment before Lily could offer him anything else.

Frank chuckled and shook his head. "Poor kid. Who's it from, Lil?"

"Petunia."

Alice groaned playfully and reengaged her fiancé in their steak vs. chicken vs. fish debate so Lily could read her letter in peace. Lily pulled said letter out of its envelope and, cringing when she spotted her sister's signature, skimmed it.

The letter hit the floor. The world blurred.

Somehow she stood and stumbled into the hall, Alice calling worriedly after her. She was only vaguely aware of the people she shoved out her way as she tripped her way down the train. A strange choking noise followed her no matter how fast she attempted to run. She had to get to him, had to feel his big, warm arms wrapped around her quivering body. He could make everything okay.

By some miracle Lily made it to the Marauders' carriage. Alice and Frank were calling after her as she fumbled with the sliding compartment door. She fell through it as it opened, right into Sirius' chest.

"Lily?"

A wet spot appeared on his shirt. That choking noise was the sound of her sobbing. Oh.

Sirius took her face in his hands and tilted it up until he could see her blurry green eyes. "Lily Lou? Honey, what is it? What happened? Talk to me."

Lily flung her arms back around his ribs. He wound his hands in her hair and looked up questioningly at Frank and Alice, who had just skidded through the open door. Both wore long, forlorn expressions; Alice even had tears in her eyes. Frank held up Lily's crumpled letter.

"Her father had a heart attack last night. He didn't make it."

"Oh my God," whispered Remus from his seat by the window. James' hand clapped over his open mouth.

Sirius looked down at Lily, horrified. She sobbed harder and nuzzled her head into his shirt. He wrapped one arm around her shoulders and the other so that her head was cradled in the crook of his elbow. And finally Lily found some quiet in the warm darkness.

* * *

_The morbidity is back! Yeah, so that's not all that nice, but at least I got back to Lily. It feels like I haven't visited her in forever, which I haven't, so all in all I was glad to write this chapter. Chapter 12 is completed and I'm working on Chapter 13, so there will be an update this weekend. However, classes start back up for me tomorrow, so I don't know how often I'll be able to write. The next couple chapters aren't nearly as mammoth-sized as Chapter 9, so I'll probably be able to get through at least them in less than three months. That was ridiculous._

_The chapter title is _The Tracks of My Tears_by The Miracles. There's going to be a lot of crying the chapters focusing on the summer of '77, but I promise you'll like them. Lots of relationshipy stuff._

_And thanks for all the review! I'm proud of you guys; you went above and beyond the call of duty. I knew there was a reason I love ya'll so much. Please please please please please keep it up. Ya'll have no idea how much ya'll brighten my day._

_Til Saturday!_


	12. Mona Lisa

**Disclaimer: I hereby disclaim, as I own absolutely nothing. I don't even have a bank account.**

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It had probably been the longest day of Sirius' life. And it had lasted, at that moment, approximately thirty hours and counting.

After he had finally shuffled them both down to his seat, Lily had sobbed herself out in his lap. James and Frank had gone and brought her trunk to their compartment and then out on the platform once the train had pulled into King's Cross. Remus had helped him jostle her onto the platform, and Sirius had practically had to drag Lily through the barrier. And then, wouldn't you know it, that hateful sister of hers hadn't sent anyone to meet them. So they took a taxi.

The taxi ride really freaked Sirius out. Not because the Muggle driver made a habit of watching them oddly through his mirror, but because Lily, apparently out of tears, had gone almost catatonic. She stared ahead unblinkingly from the security of his arms. Her face had been blotchy from crying, but her hands were white and shaking. Sirius tried repeatedly to warm them, but everything about her was shut down. Alice had had to give the driver the directions.

It was hard to believe that someone as sweet and gentle as Lily could come out of a place like Spinner's End; the whole neighborhood was a dump. Every house had a layer of grime coating the brick and the air smelled distinctly of sewage. No wonder Snape was such a punk.

When the taxi had pulled up to #14 Spinner's End, Sirius, for all intents and purposes, lifted Lily onto the sidewalk, and then he and the driver each hauled a trunk to the doorstep. Sirius paid the man, and then, apparently familiar with the area, he proceeded to get the heck out of there.

Lily's horse faced sister answered the door. She didn't say a word; she just sniffed down her nose Lily, who had shambled up the steps and huddled back under Sirius' protective arm. Then Petunia turned on her heel and walked back into the house, leaving the door wide open.

At some point while Sirius was heaving their trunks into the hall Lily disappeared into the house. Sirius didn't feel it would be appropriate to go wandering through her house, so he somehow wound up sitting in her living room for the rest of the day. Petunia spent the entire afternoon on the phone, only hanging up to make dinner when her fiancé arrived. Lily hadn't been lying; his head was the shape and color of a ham's. Both ignored Sirius, and he ended up sleeping on the couch.

The next day was the funeral. Lily had no other relatives besides her sister, and Dr. Evans' will had been very specific about the arrangements, so there had been no reason to wait. Lily had appeared behind him as Vernon was yelling that they were going to be late, ("What would the neighbors think?") his face turning an even deeper shade of plum. She still looked absolutely shell-shocked, so having her give the eulogy was out of the question. Petunia was unwilling to, as she put it, "make a show of herself," so in the end they wound up sitting in the front pew of the church listening to the priest with half of Spinner's End.

From what Sirius could tell, Dr. Evans, by means of his profession, had been well-respected within the community. An upstanding member of society, the priest said. Sirius only kept one eye on the service; the other was on Lily. Her face had lost any trace of color and she was being absolutely swallowed by her dress. Every so often Petunia would turn to sniff at Sirius' arm around Lily, even at the burial.

They buried Dr. Daniel Evans beside his wife, who, if Sirius' math was corrected, had passed away two summers ago. Afterwards Petunia hosted a reception back at the house for the neighbors. She and Vernon immediately transformed into the stereotypical condescending hosts; it was like they hadn't just buried her father. Lily, on the other hand, ran right through the house to the back steps. Sirius just followed her. It was all he could really do at that point.

For a while he just sat out on the step with her, listening to the neighbors mingling inside. Lily stared out at the area of dead grass behind the house. (What, you expected them to have yards in Spinner's End?) He couldn't think of anything else to do except rub her back.

About the time the sun started setting Lily suddenly chuckled. Sirius' hand jumped off her back as she shook her head. "Mum was always trying to get Dad to eat salads."

Sirius gave her a lopsided smile as she looked up at him. "It was easier with her; we had the time to prepare. But Dad…" She shook her head again.

As it was the first time she'd spoken in over a day, Sirius was desperate to keep her talking. "How did your mum die?" Stupid, stupid, stupid.

But she just smiled sadly. "Mum was a smoker when I was little, and they diagnosed her with lung cancer right after I went off to Hogwarts. So we all knew it was coming. She went really peacefully."

That horrible sister of hers picked that moment to stick her freakishly long neck out the door. "Lily," she spat, "can't you stop being a freak for one minute and try to be a good hostess. Our father just died; can't you be respectable?"

Man, that lady was a bitch. Sirius couldn't take it anymore. So he turned around and said, "You know what? Why don't you pull that stick out of your ass and then see how great your party is."

Petunia spurted unintelligibly while Lily burst into laughter. Glaring at her sister, Petunia snapped her head back inside and slammed the door shut.

Lily's laughter died down, and she scooted over to rest her head on Sirius' shoulder. "I don't know what I'm going to do, Sir, I really don't. You've seen what my sister is like, and she's even worse once Vernon gets started and other people aren't around. They're supposed to get married at some point this summer, and I just don't think I can take them without Daddy."

"So leave."

She sighed deeply and snuggled closer to his chest. Sirius lifted the side of his jacket up and draped it over her with his arm. "Legally I'm not an adult to the Muggles, so technically I belong to Petunia. Which also means I won't have access to any of my money until January. So I'm stuck here."

Sirius pulled her closer and pressed a kiss to Lily's forehead. They were seventeen for goodness' sake; they shouldn't have to deal with things like wondering where they were going to live. It was wrong.

All Sirius knew was that he wanted to take care of Lily. Hell, he wanted to take care of her for the rest of their lives, but, again, that was too big of a thing to be thinking about. And he needed to fix this, because there was no way he was going to sacrifice his sweet, innocent Lily to that harpy. Asking the Potters if they'd take in Lily as well was out; he already felt guilty enough that it was just him. Asking them if his girlfriend could move in would be beyond rude. Andromeda had turned her spare bedroom into a nursery after the baby was born, so she was out, too.

And then an idea struck him, a risky, almost inane idea that had such potential for backfiring that it was downright ridiculous. But it was the only thing he had to go on, so Sirius figured he might as well wing it. He reached down to cup Lily face in his hands. Her wide eyes stared up at him as he rubbed his thumbs along their swollen rims.

"Baby, I'm gonna fix this, okay. I'm gonna fix this. I promise everthing's gonna be alright, but I need to leave for a few days to get some things together, okay?

Her mouth was slightly open and her eyebrows had knitted together, but she had never looked more perfect. She nodded slowly. "Okay. Just wha―"

"I'm still figuring it out, but I'm going to get you out of here, I promise."

Lily closed her mouth and smiled a tiny smile. Sirius tilted his head down to press his lips against hers. She wrapped her hands around his. Pulling back, he stroked her cheek one last time and pressed another kiss into her hair as he stood up.

There were still a few neighbors left in the house as Sirius charged through it, though, thankfully, they paid him little attention. Vernon and Petunia, however, apparently thought he was making a spectacle of himself, because when he straightened up from pulling his trunk out of the hall closet they were hovering behind the door. You could almost see the fumes radiating off of Vernon.

"Boy, what exactly do you mean by it? Storming through the house like that when there are normal people present?"

Oh yeah, having magic made him some sort of a pariah. He'd forgotten. Gritting his teeth, he turned to Petunia. She came from the same bloodline as Lily, so there had to be some sort of a human being buried in there. Somewhere.

"I need to leave for a few days to get some things in order, but when I come back Lily's leaving with me. She's in a bad way right now, so if I find out you did anything to upset her, I will use my _wand_," Petunia's head gave a strange sort of twitch, "to curse you so badly that the Muggles'll never figure out what's wrong with you. Got it?"

Vernon's face turned even purpler, if that was possible. His beefy cheeks quivered. "How dare you threaten us? We are normal, upstanding people, you freak!"

Sirius opened his mouth to yell back, but then closed it. He was an adult now, at least on paper, and had a significant other to take care of. He needed to start acting like it. "You know what? The hell with you people."

The guests paid him even less attention when he darted through the living room a second time, slamming the back door as he went. Lily stood from her step as he dragged his trunk down the steps. She twisted her arms around his neck after he set it down. His hands found her waist.

"Everything's gonna work out, Lily Lou. We're going to be okay."

Her emerald eyes had never looked so full. "I know. Just hurry, okay?"

Sirius nodded and lifted her up for one more kiss. Setting her back down, he crushed her to him. God, her hair smelled good.

She pulled back and cupped her small hands around his neck. Standing on her toes, she pressed her lips to his jaw. Sirius smiled reassuringly down at her before stepping back and dragging his trunk farther out into the grass. When he was far enough away to have blended in with the newly fallen darkness he Disapparated.

Her silhouette was the last image he internalized before all the colors meshed.

* * *

_Well, as one reviewer put it, woo for sadness and grief. This is one of my favorite chapters in the whole shebang. I had a thought process of about three instances which inspired this story: Chapter 2, the end of Chapter 9, and this chapter. I really hope it's what you guys were expecting, since ya'll seemed so excited about the new developments. I've started the next chapter, but I'm home with pneumonia right now, so I don't know if I'll be up to finishing it by next weekend. And the fact_ _that it's 25º outside isn't helping._

_The chapter title is _Mona Lisa_ by the All-American Rejects._

_Something I've been meaning to discuss in this little notes section I always do is my writing style. I get the feeling that, because there was just a long gap between when I wrote Chapter 8 and Chapter 9, that my style somehow transformed. If any of you have noticed this and can think of things I used to do with my writing that i haven't been doing lately, please do tell me. I feel like I've regressed as a writer. Also, which sounds better: Sirius and Lily, or Lily and Sirius? I can't decide._

_And, as always, keep on with those reviews. I really do appreciate the things ya'll had to say about the last chapter, especially considering that there were a lot of mixed feelings about Chapter 10. So more, please. Thanks._

_Til Next Time!_


	13. I'm On Fire

**Disclaimer: Do you honestly think that if I owned Harry Potter I would have spent Valentine's Day on my couch with a box of chocolate watching the Olympics? No.**

* * *

Sirius was gone for a grand total of three days, but, reflecting on it later, Lily felt blessed that her head hadn't exploded. Between her sister and Vernon she figured being condemned as a witch and burned at the stake would have been preferable. Which, incidentally, happened to be Vernon's chosen point of insult. Apparently, Petunia had at some point told her fiancé that Lily was a witch, and evidently she'd said yes to the right man because they were of like minds on the subject. Vernon even loved the word 'freak' as much as she did, which was a feat in and of itself, you better believe.

Petunia, on the other hand, seemed to feel that she'd worn out the 'wizards are freaks' angle, because she decided to focus her disapproval on Lily's relationship. She took every opportunity to comment on how flighty her boyfriend was, not to mention rude, and what a slut Lily must be for a boy like him to want to hang around her. Oh, and don't forget that she was a disrespectful brat for bringing him to their father's funeral. Figured.

Lily spent the majority of those three days locked in her room looking through old pictures of her parents. They'd married in their thirties, so Lily had no pictures of them together at her age. It made her contemplate her situation; she was seventeen and in a six-month-old relationship with a boy who was off somewhere hopefully making plans for them to live together. If that wasn't moving fast she didn't know what was. Her mother had always said the reason her marriage worked so well was because both she and her husband had waited until they were mature enough to get married. And that got Lily thinking: Did she and Sirius really stand a chance?

Sure, they had a lot in common. And sure, they got along fantastically. And sure, she felt safer with him than she did anywhere else. And sure, she was…kind of almost in love with him. But they weren't even out of school yet, and, for at least the next two months, neither of them had any way of supporting themselves. And Sirius didn't have the best track record when it came to girls, his major personality shift notwithstanding.

(Hey, the girl was having to magically silence her house to eat a piece of chicken out of the refrigerator in the middle of the night. Your faith would be shaking, too.)

By the end of the third day, Lily could feel her heart sinking. Sirius hadn't sent any word, not so much as an "I'm alright, don't worry baby" owl. She hated herself for doubting him, but he wasn't giving her much to work with. Lily didn't leave her room at all the whole day; she didn't even notice when the sun set. Petunia assisted her moping by completely ignoring her, so she simply lay in her bed, practically vegetative.

It was just before the downstairs clock struck eleven when a loud knock sounded on the back door. Lily sat up, finally alert, but didn't dare hope it was real. There was another knock, and Lily sprung off the bed and flung herself at her door. She heard the creak of the back door opening as she managed to work the lock and fling the damn thing open. Just as she fell onto the landing she heard Vernon thunder, "What are you doing back here, boy?"

Magic must have carried Lily to the bottom of the stairs; there was no other explanation for how quickly she got down there. Vernon, hearing her, turned away from the door just enough to reveal Sirius' head. He looked like he hadn't slept since she'd last seen him, but the look in his eyes when he saw her erased any of the weight he carried. They met each other in the middle of the living room; Sirius lifted her lips up to his.

They would have stayed together longer had Vernon not growled behind them. "I repeat, what are you doing here?" But Sirius was too busy hugging Lily to him to answer. He pulled back from her as he kissed her forehead. "Go get your stuff; I'm busting you out of here."

Lily stood on tiptoe to give him one more quick kiss before running back up the stairs. She hadn't unpacked, so getting her things together was simple. Within minutes she was lugging her trunk down the stairs, where Sirius, Vernon, and Petunia appeared to be in a Mexican standoff. All three turned to watch her as she heaved her trunk to the bottom. "What's going on?"

As Sirius moved forward to help her, Petunia said, "I'm not so sure how I feel about this situation."

Sirius wrapped his arm around Lily's shoulders. "And I'm not sure what your problem is. You don't want us here, your fiancé doesn't want us here, _we_ don't want to be here; just let us leave already."

There was a decided "Humph" from Vernon as Petunia pursed her lips. "I have custody of Lily. What if someone from Social Services or the government comes asking for her? What am I supposed to tell them: She ran off with some boy?"

Lily smiled wistfully as she rested her hand between her boyfriend's shoulder blades. "Just tell them the truth; I ran off with some boy. Petunia, according to my government I'm an adult, so technically I don't have to be your problem anymore."

When Petunia took a moment to debate this, Vernon barked, "For the love of God, Petunia, let these freaks get out of here!"

"Fine," Petunia snapped, her nostrils flaring.

Sirius pulled Lily out the door in a matter of seconds, but she pulled her hand gently out of his at the top of the steps to stare back into her father's house. Even with Petunia in the doorway it still looked so warm.

Focusing in on her sister, a lump formed in Lily's throat. Disconnected though they were, she was still her sister. Lily raised her hand in a slow, honest gesture. "Bye."

Petunia slammed the door shut.

Lily sighed deeply, then descended the steps to where Sirius waited at the bottom. He took her hand in his free one (her trunk was in the other) and led her to the spot where he had Disapparated a few nights before. He turned to face her when they stopped and pointed up at the clear night sky above them. "Look."

She did. "What exactly am I looking at?"

He chuckled and pointed to the Dog Star. "I'm especially bright tonight."

And so he was.

Lily laughed a laugh as bright and clear as the sky. Sirius gave her a her a wolfish grin as he offered her his free arm, and as soon as she took it the world transformed into a suffocating, pressurized tornado.

It was probably due to her inexperience with Side-Along Appparation, but nevertheless Lily fell to a halt on the hard pavement of what appeared to be a deserted alley. Oh, the things that boy got her into. As Sirius pulled her to her feet, Lily couldn't help but ask, "Where are we, exactly?"

"The alley behind our apartment building."

Lily felt her jaw drop. "We have an apartment?"

Even in the dim light she could see his eyes dancing as he pulled a set of keys out of his breast pocket. "Yep."

"When did that happen?"

"This morning," he said, pulling her along gently. "My uncle only left me a bit of money for before I finish school, so it took me a few days to find someplace decent. I've been squatting at James' in the meantime; sorry I didn't write.

"It's pretty small, but the rent is good and we're only a few blocks from the Leaky Cauldron. I figure if worse comes to worse we can get jobs in Diagon Alley."

Their apartment (doesn't that sound lovely: _their_ apartment) was on the second floor, and Sirius had motioned for her to stay quiet in the hall. After all, it was almost midnight.

It was small, to be perfectly honest. Inside the door was an open area with a sofa and a television set, and off to the right was a tiny, half-hidden kitchen. To the left were two closed doors.

"Well, welcome home," Sirius said as he shut the door behind them. "I know it's not much, but, hey, it's ours."

Lily took his face in her hands. "It's perfect." He smiled and gave her a soft kiss before turning her around and pointing her through the flat.

"So this is the living room, I guess. I'm hoping you'll be able to make sense of the box-thing because I have no idea what it's for. There's the lousy kitchen, the bathroom. The bedroom."

"Wait a minute." She turned around to stare up at him. "Bed_room_? As in, just one?"

"Yes."

"And I'm going to assume there's only one bed."

Sirius smiled sheepishly. "Yeah."

Lily groaned, tilted her head back, and covered her eyes with her hand. "We're going to have to have this talk, aren't we?"

"What talk?"

Lily looked back up at him. "The sex talk."

Sirius stared at her feet. "Probably."

Lily pinched the bridge of her nose as she sighed, her eyes squeezed shut. After a few moments, Sirius asked, "Um, did you want me to say something first?"

She opened her eyes. "I don't know. Did you want to go first?"

"I'm not going to know what to say until you say something."

"Ok." She let out a huff of air. "Ok, just, ugh. Ok."

"You've already said that."

"I know!" She looked up at him; Sirius obviously hadn't been expecting that irritated outburst. "Sorry."

He took her by the shoulders and pressed his lips to her hairline. Lily closed her eyes and gave his forearms a squeeze before stepping back a step.

"Look, Sirius, it's not that I'm not…attracted to you, because I am. Do you think I'd be moving in with you if I wasn't?"

He chuckled.

"It's just, I don't know. I guess…I guess I'm not ready to have sex yet." She bit her lower lip as he stared at her. "No offense."

Sirius made a noise that resembled a chuckled but continued to stare at Lily until she said, "Um, your turn."

He made the chucklish noise again and ran a hand through his tangled hair. After a moment, he said, "Why did you automatically assume I wanted to have sex with you?"

Lily raised her eyebrows and put her hands on her hips.

Sirius threw his hands up, as though to push her back. "Not that I don't. Because I do."

She continued to stare at him.

"But…I…" Sirius groaned.

Lily laughed and shook her head. "You're trying so hard not to put your foot in your mouth."

"Is it that obvious?"

She laughed again as he grasped her shoulders. "Look Lily, I don't want to do anything to screw us up. We're seventeen, and I love you, and your dad just died, so if you don't want to―"

Sirius would have gone on with a wonderful, heart-melting speech had Lily not thrown herself at him. For a second he stood there in shock before reaching around Lily to tilt her head back to he could kiss her more deeply. After the longest moment of her life, Lily pulled back to look up at him with her big emerald eyes. A crease appeared in Sirius' brow. "What was that for?"

Lily licked her lips. "You love me?"

Sirius leaned his head back for a second before looking back down at her. "I hadn't planned on telling you like that."

"I love you, too."

He barely touched his fingers to her cheekbone. "Really?"

She slid her arms around his neck. "Really."

Sirius lifted Lily up to tenderly kiss her mouth. When he couldn't hold her up any longer, Sirius lowered Lily back to the floor and pressed his forehead against hers. "We'll Transfigure the couch into a bed."

Lily shook her head as she stared up at him. Those storm-cloud eyes were absolutely swirling. "You don't have to do that."

"Yeah, I do."

"No, you don't." She moved her hands to cup his neck. "We're supposed to be adults, right? And mature?"

Sirius nodded.

"And we love each other."

He smiled and kissed the corner of her mouth. "Yeah, we love each other."

She beamed back. "Then I don't see why we can't share."

Sirius stroked her neck this time. "Lily, I don't want you to feel like―"

"I don't." She swayed forward to kiss him again. "I can unpack tomorrow."

Sirius smiled and went to turn off the lights. When he turned around, Lily had already gone into the bedroom. He stood in the doorway and watched her as she pulled back the covers and settled herself in. Kicking off his shoes, Sirius climbed in next to her as she scooted over to make room. Lily lay down on her back, and before she could move Sirius threw an arm over her and rested his head against her chest. He felt her stiffen under him.

"What are you doing?"

He tilted his head back to gaze up at her through his messy hair, his ear firmly in place. "I missed the way your heart sounds."

Lily wished she could have said something in response, but the lump had reappeared in her throat. She wrapped her arms reassuringly around Sirius' head and sank back into the pillow.

In the dark that night, Lily knew they weren't going too quickly; they were simply taking thinks just as fast as they needed to. So what if it was pretty damn fast?

* * *

_Well, Happy Day After Valentine's Day everybody! I figured that if ya'll are anything like me you could use a dose of happy today, so I have for you guys a bunch of Lily and Sirius. Yay. Seriously though, I love this chapter just because of how relationshipy it is. No Death Eaters or Jameses or dead people, just Lil and Sir. Actually, this chapter was not in my outline until I went on my writing spree over Christmas, so take every chapter I've given you hints about and set it back one._

_The chapter title is _I'm On Fire_ by Bruce Springsteen__. Lyrically, it's just perfect._

_Thanks so much for the reviews from last chapter. They were divoon, simply divoon. Made my day. And, as always, PLEASE review this chapter, even though I'm not sure when I'll be able to right the next chapter. _But_ I promise, and you can take this to the bank, that I'm not going to abandon this. That would be like leaving a baby at the shopping mall. Oh, and go Team USA!_

_Til Next Time!_


	14. Ballad of Sir Frankie Crisp

**Disclaimer: If you don't know by now that I own nothing, then you haven't read any of my first thirteen chapters. Shame on you.**

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Their bed smelled like her. That was probably what Sirius loved the most about living with Lily; even when she wasn't there when he woke up in the morning, the bed still retained the scent of her hair. It was almost as wonderful as waking up to her hair sprawled across his chest.

Shockingly enough, there had been little trouble adjusting to their current situation. Sure, there had been some initial awkwardness when it came to sharing a room and doing each other's laundry and things of that nature, but after about a week they just rolled with it. By then they had settled into a routine.

Four days after moving in Lily and Sirius went out and found jobs. Lily had insisted again that if they were going to live like adults, they would act like them, but it was Sirius who suggested that they find employment in the Muggle world. Although he wasn't speaking with most of his family, Sirius wanted to avoid giving them a reason to go after Lily, such as flaunting her around Diagon Alley. No matter how badly he wanted to. And some little snot of a second year might start spreading shit around, and Lily didn't need that kind of grief right now.

So Lily went out and found a job in a little alternative bookstore. Sirius had anticipated the bookstore, but not the alternative part. The place was full of Gothic literature and how-to books on Native American spiritualism and constantly played Bob Dylan music. And the willowy owner popped up behind Sirius and bellowed, "Hare Krishna!" at him every time he came in to visit Lily on his break But she was relaxed there, which was all that mattered.

Sirius, in the meantime, got a job busing tables at a diner. Lily thought it outrageous, and laughed at him for the entirety of the two days before he started. Even in bed. Something about the thought of Sirius Black wearing an apron and wiping down tables really tickled her. But the morning of his first day she suddenly became extremely somber as she set the bacon on the table.

"Are you sure you really want to do this?" she had asked. "I mean, you didn't even know how to work the television."

Hey, it wasn't his fault the Muggle Studies class he had taken to spite his parents had glassed over telecommunication. She was lucky he knew what the stove was. But all in all, the job suited him well. Free food and all.

And now, a month and a half later, Sirius found himself in their pitiful excuse for a kitchen, trying his best to magic up a pudding. By a stroke of luck he and Lily both had the night shift off, so he intended to surprise her. They had both been almost completely isolated since their move to London; he hadn't seen the other Marauders since their parting at King's Cross, and he knew Lily was feeling a little starved for female companionship. Mrs. Longbottom, as it turned out, had managed to take the reins of her son's impending wedding, so Alice hadn't needed much help from Lily after all. Poor girl. Even Sirius knew enough of Augusta Longbottom's reputation to know that she was not a woman to trifle with.

So Sirius was taking Lily out. Not on a date, though. Lord knew she'd had enough alone time with him over the last several weeks. No, he wanted to introduce her to some very important people.

As he was attempting to levitate the icing into place, (Hey, it was turning out comically at least.) Sirius couldn't help but feel a little anxious. Lily was supposed to get off at six, and she had mentioned something about picking up some groceries at breakfast, but it was almost half past seven now and he was beginning to worry. It wasn't like Lily to dilly-dally. Besides, they needed to show up before the baby was asleep.

Sirius gave up on the pudding at a quarter to eight. It looked downright awful and no amount of magic was going to change that. Why didn't they teach these kinds of things at school? Oh right, house elves.

He was magicing the flour off the walls when the front door opened and closed. "Good, you're home," Sirius called over his shoulder. God, that was so nice to say. "Get in here and help me with this. I'm lousy with kitchen―"

No sooner had he turned around than Lily had flung herself on him and buried her face in his chest. If the sobs and heaving shoulders hadn't given her hysteria away, the quickly spreading dampness on the front of his shirt would have.

"Lily?" he asked, wrapping his arms securely around her shoulders.

It wasn't like this was the first time this had happened. Her father's death had hit her hard, and while she was obviously thrilled with their living arrangement, Sirius could tell the pain was taking its toll of her. She had cried herself to sleep every night of their first week in the flat, and it was not uncommon for her to spontaneously break down during the first two. However, once they had both settled into their jobs she wept less and less often; he hadn't seen her cry in about a week and a half, and even they it had just been a few little tears as they lay in bed. No, something had triggered this outburst.

"Lily, love, what happened?" She mumbled unintelligibly into his chest. Sirius repressed a sigh. "Come on Lil, I can't help make this better if you won't tell me what's wrong."

Lily hiccupped and stepped back so that his hands were gripping her shoulders. Her thin fingers still clutched the front of his now very damp shirt. "Petunia got married."

Sirius felt his eyebrows raise. "Really?" Sure, she and that hog of a fiancé of hers were two of a kind, but wasn't there a respectable mourning period one observed after the death of a parent before electing to partake in any Holy Sacraments?

"Yeah, really."

"Damn." Sirius took one hand off her shoulder to run through his now hippie-length hair. "When?"

Lily gave a great sniff. "Last Saturday."

"Good Lord." She untangled her fingers from his shirt so that she could go to sit at their pathetically small table. "Yeah, I know."

Sirius whistled and leaned back against the counter. "How'd you find out?"

Lily stared intently at the skillet hanging over their stove. "I, um, I sort of popped back home after work."

Sirius' mouth gaped open like a fish's. "Why?"

She grimaced apologetically. She knew his opinion of all things Spinner's End. "It was only supposed to be for a couple minutes. I wound up stay for a lot longer than I thought I would. That's why there're no groceries."

Oh yeah. Groceries. Good thing they were eating out. Supposedly.

"Yeah, but why?"

Lily sighed and rubbed her temples. One of her elbows was rested on the wooden table. "This hippie named Iris came into the store this morning looking for a book on acupuncture, which got me thinking about Mum. I started remembering things like how her voice sounded and her freckles and I realized that we don't really have anything of hers here, so I decided I'd Apparate back to Spinner's End before I went for the groceries to get some old pictures of her and Dad."

"So what, Petunia answered the door and flaunted it at you?"

"No, they weren't home. In fact, they've changed the locks."

That rat bastard.

"I wasn't far enough away from the neighbors to risk _Alohomora_ing the back door, so I went around to the front. Petunia's always left a key under the mat; I guess she didn't change that caveat when she changed the locks.

"So I was walking up the steps when the old man who lives next door waved at me.

"'They're not supposed to be back 'til next week,' he said. He's always been a little off, so I just kind of smiled at him and went up anyway. I pulled out the key and unlocked the door. I couldn't hardly get the thing open because all the post had piled up under the slot. I knew something was wrong then because Petunia's usually got her hand at the slot to catch it before it even hit the floor." She sniffed again. "I picked all the post up and took it into the kitchen. Petunia always sorts through it on the counter beside the refrigerator. And there it was, sitting there all nice and cut out."

Lily's voice cracked, so Sirius finished for her. "Their wedding announcement."

She gulped and nodded. "I just stood there and stared at it like an idiot. And then I started crying and I couldn't stop and I just sat there on the floor for I don't know how long and―" She shuddered. "I'm not sure how I got back here. I guess I was on autopilot." Her shoulders shook again. "Why does this hurt so much? It's not like we were ever really friends or anything."

Sirius pushed himself off the counter to kneel in front of her. "Ah, Lily Lou." She swayed forward to rest her face against his hair. He could feel the bridge of her nose mold against the curve of his forehead. Their fingers intertwined on her lap.

"She didn't have to send me an invitation or anything. I just assumed there'd be some sort of, I don't know, acknowledgement or something. I mean, I did send her our number. And she's my only bloody sister."

Her jewel eyes could have been glass.

Sirius felt his jaw set. "You don't need her."

Lily straightened up slightly, a crinkle appearing between her eyebrows. "Sirius―"

"You don't need her." His rough hands slid up her forearms to grasp her elbows. "Look, she's treated you like shit, especially right after your dad died. She's never been anything but horrible to you."

"Yeah, but―"

"Lily, face it; she's bad for you. In fact, you're better off without her. This was actually probably a good thing. Now you can make a clean break from her and go on with your life."

She stared at him open-mouthed, her head tilted incredulously to the side. "Is this supposed to make me feel better?"

Sirius exhaled deeply and glanced at the clock. Eight-fifteen. They could still risk showing up. And a demonstration was definitely in order now.

He stood up and walked out the kitchen to the coat rack. "Grab the pudding, would you?"

Lily turned in her chair. "Excuse me?"

He reentered the kitchen, pulling on his leather jacket as he went. "The pudding. Over there. Come on, Lil, we're gonna be even later."

She shook her head in disbelief. "What?"

Sirius sighed and grabbed the pudding himself. Then he made the short walk to their front door and opened it. "C'mon, I'm taking you out tonight."

Lily leaned her head against the back of her chair. Even with the tear streaks on her cheeks she looked like an angel. "Sirius, my sister just got married without me. That's probably not the best idea right now."

He gripped the door handle. "Love, I've been planning this for a while now and I'll be damned if I let your bitch of a sister ruin it. This is important. I want to show you why she doesn't really matter."

She sighed, stood up, and rubbed the cuff of her sweater across her cheeks. "Ok, ok." Walking to her boyfriend, she linked her arm through his, careful not to knock the pudding. Shutting the door behind them, she said, "But tomorrow or the next day when things go back to normal you're not allowed to be this bossy."

They walked out their building to the back alley, which had been designated the "Apparation Spot". Feeling Lily's small hand gripping his arm as they spun was becoming all too familiar, and as they whirled to a halt on a dark wooded path he was careful to compensate for the balance of both her and the pudding. She tottered for a second but began stumbling forward when he said, "Let's go. They've probably already put the baby to sleep."

When the spots stopped dancing in front of his eyes, Lily was asking, "Where are we, anyway?"

He glanced at her, the moonlight creating silver streaks across her jade eyes. They would have been mind-blowingly gorgeous had they not been the Slytherin colors. "I think it's time you met my family."

She stopped dead in her tracks.

"No, not them."

She let out a lung-full of air. "Oh, well, I was about to say." They were walking again. "So, um, the Potters?"

Sirius shook his head. "No. That would be a bit awkward, don't you think?"

Lily snorted. "Try really awkward."

"Yeah, well. So we're having dinner with my cousin Andromeda and her husband. You remember me talking about them, right?"

Lily nodded. "Uh-huh. They're the only ones that don't make you curse when you mention them."

"'At a girl. Their daughter Dora is probably in bed by now, but if I know Andy she's kept Ted off the roast for us."

"Why didn't you just say so?"

"I wanted to surprise you. You've been a little off this week and I figured this would be fun. You'll really like them."

"Yeah, but I look a wreck."

Sirius stopped walking and scrutinized her face. She was paler than normal, wisps of her hair were falling out of her messy bun, and her eyes were a little swollen. Perfect. "No you don't."

She smiled weakly and leaned up to kiss him. The pudding in his hands prevented him from holding her like every cell in his body ached to, but the kiss was still sweet and gentle and very them. After a few seconds Lily pulled back and they resumed walking up the path in silence. They were close enough now to see the porch light Andromeda had left on for them. Idiot. Didn't she know she had Death Eaters after her?

"I didn't get the pictures."

Sirius jolted out of his internal monologue to stare at Lily. "What was that?"

"The pictures of my mum. I was so upset about Petunia that I forgot to get them."

"Oh. Well, don't worry. We open late tomorrow, so I can pop in for a bit and get them. Maybe put the post up so your sister won't know you were there."

She smiled tenderly up at him. "I love you."

"Love you, too." She squeezed his hip with the hand she'd wrapped across his waist.

By then they'd climbed the steps up to Andromeda's porch. Sirius rapped on the door, and they could hear bustling from inside as his cousin hurried to answer.

"By the way, that pudding looks ridiculous."

Sirius' head snapped around just as Andromeda swung the door open. Damn, that girl had good timing. She should play more pranks.

"Well, it's about time you showed up. You've missed Nymphadora, by the way. She was so excited to see her uncle, but now you've gone and broken her little heart."

Sirius huffed. "Nice to see you too, Andy. Thanks for leaving the light on for us. I mean, it's not like you've got a sister in a homicidal cult or anything."

"Har har. Isn't there something you want to say to me?"

"Yeah; the Sorting Hat wanted to put you in Ravenclaw, but you wimped out and begged it to put you in Slytherin instead."

"Yes, and you, my love, once ate so many of my peanut butter cookies that you were passed out for a whole day. We had to prop you up in the corner."

Lily looked nervously between the two. "When I was ten I accidentally cursed toad warts onto my sister's back."

Sirius snorted loudly as Andromeda smirked sarcastically at her. "Haven't we all? Get in here, you two; I've left Ted alone with the roast. Sirius, that pudding looks ridiculous."

Had Lily not been so shell-shocked she probably would have laughed as she followed Sirius into Andromeda's cozy entry. From farther in the house a male voice called, "Ah, has the blood traitor decided to grace us with his presence?"

In a stage whisper, Andromeda called back, "Hush, Ted, you'll wake the baby."

"Technically, a three year old is not a baby." Ted, a sturdy man, appeared in the door that led to the kitchen. "Took you long enough, Sir." Turning to Lily, he said, "Ah, you must be the girlfriend. Good to meet you."

"Here." Andromeda swept the pudding from Sirius' arms to her husband's. "Put this on the table, dear." As he retreated, Ted could be heard wondering, "What the hell is it supposed to be?"

Sirius scowled darkly.

Andromeda reached over and pulled her cousin into a hug and kissed the side of his shaggy head. "It's so good to see you, baby." She kissed him again. "I've missed you." He squeezed her in return.

When Andromeda pulled back Sirius wrapped his arm around Lily's shoulders. "Andy, this is Lily. My girlfriend."

The girlfriend in questioned smiled shyly as Andromeda took her hands. Before she could say anything, though, the older woman kissed her on both cheeks. "I'm so glad to finally meet you. You're all he ever talks about anymore."

Lily smiled a blinding, genuine smile that Sirius hadn't seen all week. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed it. "Thank you. It's nice to finally meet you, too. You're the only one he has anything nice to say about."

Sirius pulled her closer to him.

His cousin beamed. "Let's eat, shall we? Although, by now Ted's probably inhaled that awful pudding." She made to walk into the kitchen, but she stopped in the doorway to smile back at the teenagers.

"You know, it's so nice to have the whole family together for dinner." And with that she'd gone to tease her husband.

Sirius glanced down at Lily. She smiled up at him, her eyes bright, and kissed his cheek. He jerked his head at the doorway, and she grinned.

Yeah, it was nice to get the family together.

* * *

_Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Two months is completely inexcusable. Especially to come back with just a filler chapter. But dang if it isn't a long one. With an Andromeda appearance. There are several plus sides to this, though. A) My last two plays of the schools year are over and done with, so I officially have a life again. B) Starting Wednesday, my schedule will be pretty light for the next couple weeks, so I should be able to get a fair amount of writing down. When I'm not job hunting. And finally C) We're officially done with Lily's family crap. Yay for no more family crap! Or for a little while, at least._

_This chapter's title supposed to be _Ballad of Sir Frankie Crisp (Let It Roll) _by George Harrison, my favorite Beatle, except that the damn FFN wouldn't let me put in the parenthesis and I left out the_ Let It Roll_ part_._ We're still fighting a lot. The Hare Krishna manager was an homage to him. Good for you if you got that._

_Thanks every one of you so much for the reviews. They're incredible delightful. And a special thank you to all my old and new readers. To the golden oldies, thanks for sticking around. Your faith is inspiring, seeing as I've got none for myself. To my newbies, and there were quite a lot of you after the last chapter, Hi! Nice to meet you. By the way, did ya'll know this story has gotten 3,500+ hits? Good work, all! Please keep it up. And remember those reviews. The chapter titles will be getting better, I promise._

_Til Next Time!_


	15. I'm Happy Just To Dance With You

**Disclaimer: There was once a rich man and a poor man. Guess which one is a metaphor for my status in regards to owning Harry Potter.**

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You had to hand it to her; Augusta Longbottom knew how to throw a party. Well, the music was crap (some up and comer called Celestina Warbeck), but other than that everything was perfect. A little over the top, maybe, but at the same time it was very Frank and Alice.

The ceremony had been beautiful. Lily couldn't remember most of it, though; she'd spent the majority of the service crying into her bouquet. The soft gleam in her friend's eyes as Frank had smiled down at her had just been too perfect, and Lily hadn't been able to contain herself. She'd been waiting three years for her best friend to get married, damn it, and she'd cry if she wanted to. And she did. So.

And now, after an ungodly amount of photographs, most of which were at Mrs. Longbottom's insistence, they'd made their way to the reception. Frank and Alice were twirling around in the middle of the dance floor. Harvey Dresler hadn't lasted the summer, so Marlene was chatting up one of Frank's many distant relatives as they waltzed theatrically. All the old hands from the Quidditch team were attempting to drink each other under the table in the corner. All in all, it was exactly as Lily had always imagined.

Except of course for the undeniable fact that Sirius Black currently had his arms wrapped around her.

Honestly, had Alice told her this time a year ago that Sirius Black of all people would be her date to her wedding, she would have hit her with something. Something heavy. But now she couldn't picture him not being there spinning her slowly to the beat of the ghastly music. These days, she felt the most at home in his arms.

Which was a good thing as they'd let the lease to their flat go. School would resume the following day, and they'd promised their landlord that they would have cleared out by nine. The rotund little man had been suspicious that they were runaways and was anxious to see them gone.

This saddened Lily greatly. That flat held a lot of firsts for the two of them: their first "I love you"s, their first jobs, their first bills. For crying out loud, it contained their first _bed_. She wasn't sure how to let it go.

Not to mention that she didn't know what she was going to do when they went back to school in the morning. Or rather, how to act once they were back at Hogwarts. She'd spent the last two months worrying about things like paying the rent and what to cook for dinner. How did she go back to focusing on trivial matters such as homework and Hogsmeade weekends?

The feather-light touch of Sirius' lips on hers distracted her from her brooding. He smiled softly down at her. "What are you thinking about?"

She tilted her head to the side. "Oh, you know. You and me. The flat. What tomorrow's gonna be like."

Now he pressed his lips to her forehead. "We're going to be fine."

"I know that. I know. I guess I'm just worried about you not always being there, you know? Like, when I get up in the morning and you're not in bed with me. Things like that."

"Tell me about it. I've gotten so used to everything smelling like you that it's going to be so weird up at school."

Lily giggled. She couldn't help it. "I have a smell?"

He looked her in disbelief. "Well, yeah. And it gets on everything. The entire flat smells exactly like you."

She laughed as she wrapped her arms more securely around Sirius' neck, pulling herself closer to him. "What do I smell like, exactly?"

"I…I can't really describe it. I guess it's kind of flowery, but not any particular flower either. It's definitely you, though. Best smell in the world."

"You are such a dog," she whispered as she stood on her toes to kiss him full on the mouth. Sirius pressed his hands to the small of her back, causing it to arch and give him a better angle at her mouth.

"Hey, stop stealing our thunder!"

Leave it to Frank to ruin a moment. Alice laughed at them as they jumped apart. She winked as her husband stuck his tongue out at them.

"Real mature for a married man, Longbottom," Sirius called back over the drone of the dreadful music. He spun Lily around before resuming their dance. When her laughter died down, though, she could feel her somber mood returning to replace it. She let out a small sigh. "I'm going to miss you."

Sirius mimicked her sigh and leaned down to rest his head atop hers as they swayed to the tempo-less music. "I keep telling myself that it will just be for a year. Not even a year, really. And we'll have Christmas and Easter. And we'll see each other every day."

"Yeah, but it won't be the same."

"I know." He sighed again. "But just think; come next June we won't have to worry about this anymore. We can rent another flat or buy a place and never have to worry about shit like separate bedrooms again."

She closed her eyes and rested her head at the base of his neck. "Mmm, June."

The music came to an abrupt halt. Thank God. Edgar Bones, Frank's best man, made his way to the head of the crowd with his wand to his neck. "Okay everyone, if everyone but the single ladies in attendance could clear the dance floor the bride would like to throw the bouquet." The crowd dispersed excitedly. Lily took Sirius' hand and led him to the edge of the dance floor where the other three Marauders had congregated.

Things had gotten a little less awkward between the lot of them in the last month. It had all been Remus' doing, bless his heart. Of all the people involved in the mess surrounding her relationship with Sirius, Lily felt he had gotten the worst break. He wasn't as closer to either Sirius or James as the two were to each other, but he considered them both to be his best friends regardless. Therefore, he'd spent the summer in a weird sort of friendship limbo; he was happy for Sirius and Lily but at the same time understood James' feeling of duplicity. And Peter hadn't done much to assuage his duress.

So at the beginning of August, when the Hogwarts letters had just arrived, he wrote everyone and suggested that they all go to Diagon Alley together. Lily had been apprehensive, to say the least. James had been tolerant of her after she and Sirius had gone public, but she always felt a remnant of pain and betrayal from him while they were at school. It creeped her out, more so than any of his flamboyant declarations ever had. But she could see that Sirius really missed his friends, and, lo and behold, she and James had been made Head Boy and Girl, so she felt the outing necessary.

It had been a success, thank goodness. Sirius and James shook hands when they all met up at the Leaky Cauldron and made a nonverbal agreement to live and let live. Apparently time apart had been exactly what the two needed. The whole trip they palled around like old times, laughing and joking and all that jazz. James had been perfectly civil to her, even politely friendly. Lily found that he wasn't so bad when he wasn't desperately attempting to woo her. Remus, bless him, had been overjoyed. They had all gotten together at the flat a few times since. Well, except for Peter; his mother disapproved of him staying out after dark.

The other Marauders greeted them as they joined their group. James raised his glass of Meade to the two before surveying the disaster waiting to happen on the dance floor. Marlene had planted herself front and center with Frank's truckload of distant cousins squabbling behind her. The Boneses were known for their dignified behavior, but Edgar was having difficulty composing himself as Alice and Frank made their way through the crowd to stand next to him.

Alice's eyes quickly scanned the group in front of her. She frowned and searched the room at large before locking eyes with her maid of honor. She juggled the bouquet into one hand and beckoned to Lily with the other. Lily smiled and shook her head.

Frank intervened. "Ah, come on Lily. Get up here."

"I'm not single, Frank." And to prove the point, Sirius wrapped his arms around Lily's shoulders from behind and pressed his lips to the side of her head, just above the ear.

Alice put her hand on her hip. "Well, he hasn't got a ring on you yet, so get a move on."

"No way, Al."

"Lily, you get your arse over here, or I'm going to come over there and chuck this thing in your face."

Poor James choked on his Meade. The stress of planning the wedding with Mrs. Longbottom had really brought out Alice's passive aggressive side as of late.

Lily huffed, detangled herself from Sirius, much to the amusement of Remus and poor conflicted Edgar, and moved to stand at the edge of the gaggle of impatient bachelorettes. She threw up her hands in defeat. "Happy now?"

Alice smiled deviously. "Very." Then she promptly turned around and, as promised, hurled the tulips into Lily's face.

Frank, Edgar, the Marauders, and basically every other Gryffindor in attendance roared with laughter. Lily tried her best to glare sternly at the bride but failed miserably. Mrs. Longbottom, however, practically glowered with disapproval as she called rather shrilly over the thunderous laughter, "Alright then, Edgar, let's move this along, shall we?"

The women exited the dance floor as the men entered for the throwing of the garter. Sirius swooped down to give Lily a sloppy kiss on the cheek as they passed. She went to stand next to a suddenly solemn-looking Remus, who was staring downcastly into his mug of Butterbeer.

Lily put a hand on his upper arm. He looked up and gave her a bittersweet smile before watching Frank triumphantly pull a simple white garter from around his wife's ankle.

"What's wrong, Remus?"

He looked back at her with heavy eyes. "Oh, you know. Best not to tempt fate."

Lily gripped his arm lightly. "Any girl would be lucky to have you, Moony."

He shook his head.

"I'm serious, Remus. You're a good, kind, honest person. You of all people deserve someone."

Remus made a sound of disbelief. "Me of all people? It would be exceedingly dangerous for someone to be with...well, someone like me. Not to mention the emotional toll it would take. And I'd have no means of supporting a wife or whatever as no one will hire someone with my, um, condition." He swallowed a long draught of the Butterbeer. "It's best for everyone if I just avoid considering that lifestyle all together."

Lily pulled his arm gently so that he was turned toward her. She looked him straight in the pale, brown eyes. "Remus, you're the most human person I know."

Whatever he would have said to that remained unsaid, because at that moment a series of loud guffaws chorused from the men crowded in the center of the room, who were now exiting the dance floor. The horrendous music began playing again. As the crowd departed, Sirius, Peter, and a rather befuddled looking James quickly retreated back to Lily and Remus.

James was holding Alice's garter.

He was holding it away from himself, as though it might spring to life and maul him, and looking awkwardly from Lily to Sirius to the garter and back again. Remus stuffed his fist into his mouth in a futile attempt to restrain his laughter.

Lily had no idea what to say as she stood there holding Alice's bouquet. James was evidently immensely perturbed by this turn of events, and Sirius expression was unreadable. And Remus' shaking shoulders on her left were not helping matters.

So she started laughing.

Sirius and James stared at her as though she had lost her mind, but Remus took this as the perfect opportunity to wrench his fist from his mouth with a _pop_and laugh, throwing his head back as he did so. Sirius and James looked at each other, then at the laughing idiots, and then back at each other. They chuckled awkwardly, and then softly laughed. Their small laughs quickly built to all out laughter, and within seconds the four were laughing their heads off. Peter, having waited for Sirius and James' go ahead, sniggered from the space by James' elbow.

Sirius threw his arm around Lily's shoulders as the laughter died down. James reached over and took a long swig from Remus' Butterbeer, having set his Meade down somewhere, and Remus, bless his heart, was clutching a stitch in his side. And, of course, Peter was doing what Peter did best: lurking.

Giving Lily's shoulders a squeeze, Sirius looked down at her and said, "See? We're going to be fine."

Lily was so full of euphoria that she couldn't think of anything to say. So she kissed him.

* * *

_You see? You SEE? I can still get a chapter done in less than two months. I've still got it. Alright, I know this was a filler chapter, again, but I've got good news. The summer of love is officially over. Starting with the next chapter things are going to get a lot more plotty, and we'll be getting back to school stuff. I've actually been looking forward writing the next chapter since Lily's dad's funeral. The core of it surrounds a character that I've been wanting to write for forever who has yet to make an appearance. You get brownie points if you can guess who it is._

_The chapter title is _I'm Happy Just To Dance With You_ by The Beatles._

_I'm going to take this opportunity to make a plea for music suggestions. I've currently got song titles planned for all thirty-seven chapters, but there are three or four that don't feel quite right yet. I'm assuming that ya'll know my music preferences by now, so if you can think of anything that screams Lily and Sirius I welcome your input._

_And, as always, thanks so much for the reviews and what have you. The whole reason I take the time to post this thing is to hear what ya'll think, so please go on ahead and click that little button down there. I really do appreciate it, so thank you._

_'Til Next Time!_


	16. Some Day

**Disclaimer: It is summer, and I am writing fanfiction. Ergo, I do not have a job. Ergo, I have no money. Ergo, I do not own Harry Potter. Get the picture?**

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Three.

Two.

One.

Sirius slammed his feet into the hard ground as the whistle blew. His hair whipped in the breeze, stinging his ears as he accelerated upward. Red and green streaked around him until he pushed down on the handle of his broom. Coming to a halt midair, he took his bat from under his arm as the scene materialized around him.

As tradition dictated, Gryffindor and Slytherin were playing each other in the first Quidditch match of the season. Gryffindor's Moran had the Quaffle, the other five Chasers barreling behind her as she neared the Slytherin goalpost. Sirius flew up to hover a few dozen feet above them as Moran scored, waiting for a Bludger to come his way.

And the game went on. As always, the abilities of the Chasers were fairly evenly matched on both sides; Gryffindor led by only thirty points. Sirius and Broadmore, his partner, circled the field, hitting Bludgers at the Slytherin Chasers as the opportunity arose. All the while, Sirius kept one eye on Slytherin's Seeker, who incidentally happened to be his younger brother.

He hadn't spoken to him in months. Sirius would never tell anyone-well, maybe Lily, but other than that nobody-how much his relationship with his brother bothered him. It wasn't like they had ever been particularly close, especially not after all the bullshit that had started when Bellatrix first brought up the Death Eaters. But despite all of it Regulus was still his little brother, and he felt as though he had failed him to a certain degree. It was a right shame.

The crowd screamed as Regulus dived suddenly. There was no mistaking the focus etched across his surprisingly hard face; he'd seen the Snitch. The Gryffindor Seeker, Rudolf Brand, zipped over Sirius' head as he attempted to catch Regulus, but he didn't have a prayer. James was bellowing unintelligible orders from the center of the pitch to no avail. They were going to lose.

Then Sirius saw it out of the corner of his eye, zooming directly in line with him. He didn't think, just drew his bat back, waited half a second, and slugged it forward. The bat collided with the Bludger with a great crack. Sitting back, satisfied, Sirius' stomach coiled in horror as he realized he had hit the damned thing right at his brother. And the poor boy didn't look like he saw it coming.

Please miss him, please miss him, please miss him…

It didn't miss him.

The crowd's screams of excitement instantly morphed into cries of terror as the angry black ball crashed into Regulus' head. The boy slumped against his broom midair, causing it to roll back so that he was dangling by an arm and a leg. His broom hovered the remaining fifteen feet to the ground, where both Professors Slughorn and McGonagall were waiting with a harried Madam Hooch.

Sirius didn't realize he was flying toward his brother until he landed beside the Slytherin captain, MacDougal, whose angry threats he couldn't quite make out through his heavy accent. It didn't matter, anyway; the rapid thumping of his heart blocked out infuriated admonishments from the teachers or shrieks from the crowd. The only thing he was truly aware of was the blood trickling down his brother's skull.

"Is he going to be alright?"

Reality came crashing back. The screams were deafening. Slughorn was so purple he was gurgling. MacDougal and Madam Hooch were arguing spectacularly. Of the lot, McGonagall seemed to be the only one among them with any sense; she Levitated Regulus and began striding toward the nearest exit. Sirius jerked forward and grabbed her by the arm. She turned to meet his intense stare. "Is he going to be alright?"

McGonagall's lips thinned to transparency. "I'm taking your brother to the Hospital Wing, Mr. Black. I've seen worse Quidditch injuries in my time; Madam Pomfrey will certainly be able to mend him." Sirius nodded and released her arm. For a second, just a second, a dash of color appeared her lips before she took Regulus out of the stadium. Sirius tried to follow them mindlessly, but a hand suddenly gripped his own arm.

Sirius turned to see James standing behind him, his face determined. He tried to jerk away, but James' vice grip proved unbreakable. "Let me go, James."

James shook his head. "We need you here, Sirius."

"Come on―"

"I'm serious. I can't let you go."

"He's my brother, James."

"You don't even like him."

"Yeah, well, that was before I knocked him off his fucking broom!"

James released Sirius' arm and used the hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. His eyes squeezed shut. "We've got to win this thing, Sirius. You know we do."

He understood. Really, he did. This was James' first and only season as captain; he had to come out on top, no matter what the cost. Taking out the Slytherins' Seeker had practically guaranteed them the game, though. One missing Beater wouldn't prevent that.

"Look man, Broadmore will be fine without me."

"Broadmore's shit and you know it."

This was true.

Sirius ground his teeth in frustration and stared at the exit. Yes, James was more of a brother to him than Regulus had even been, but still. James gripped his shoulder reassuringly. "Madam Pomfrey's probably seen worse. He'll be fine."

Sirius shook his head and looked everywhere but James. Not too far off MacDougal was taking off again, and Madam Hooch turned to the Gryffindors. He grabbed a chunk of his hair and yanked it hard, hating himself. "Brand better have the Snitch in half an hour or I'm out."

In spite of himself, James' face split into a wide grin. Before Sirius could say anything else he remounted his broom and kicked off. Sirius heaved a great sigh, nodded at Madam Hooch, and reentered the air.

Brand, thank God, managed to catch the Snitch about twenty minutes later, leaving Gryffindor with a 280-80 victory. Sirius wasn't really aware of how it came about, though, as he spent the rest of the game hovering ten feet above the Gryffindor goalposts, bat limp in his arm. He would have followed the Slytherin team out of the stadium afterwards, as they were undoubtedly off to visit their fallen Seeker, had the entire Gryffindor house not piled out of the stands and onto him.

Detaching himself from the sheer chaos was torturous, but nevertheless Sirius managed it. Forgoing a change of robes, he pushed his way through the crowd spilling out if the stadium. He distanced himself from the groups of students and jogged to the castle. Once he made his way up the steps and through the doors, Sirius skirted around the globs of students crowding the entrance, ascended the marble staircase, and began the now familiar trek to the Hospital Wing. It was horribly reminiscent of that night last March, the knowledge that this time he had gone too far, that what he had pulled was inexcusable. Good Lord how he wanted nothing more than to bury himself in Lily's hair and hide from the world.

The door to the Hospital Wing took ages to appear, but at the same time appeared much sooner than he was prepared for. Sirius hesitated at the handle before opening it as inaudibly as possible, as the Slytherin team was unquestionably already in there. Needless to say, Sirius really didn't think he could handle taking the six of them on at the moment.

Sure enough, a huddle of green robes occupied the far corner of the ward, presumably surrounding the bed containing Regulus. Closing the door quietly behind him, Sirius slunk to the nearest cot and sat on the floor beside it, effectively hiding himself from the Slytherins. Oh, how he wished he wasn't in scarlet.

MacDougal was grandstanding in that unintelligible accent of his, so Sirius zoned the Slytherins out as he waited for them to leave. What was he doing here, exactly? Was he going to say, "Sorry I nearly killed you, let's go back to hating each other," and leave? Was he just going to see that his brother was alive and then join the partying? It had been so long since he had spoken to Regulus that he couldn't see how this wouldn't end in a messy row.

The fact was that they were opposites. No matter how eerily similar they looked, they had nothing in common. Regulus was a product of his environment; Sirius' environment was a product of him. Regulus allowed others to dominate him; Sirius dominated others. It was that simple.

The scraping of chairs against the tile floor riveted Sirius back to reality. He would never admit it to anyone, and if anyone ever accused him of it he would hex them into oblivion, but he rolled under the bed to hide from the Slytherins. They slithered past him, still freshly rueful of their defeat. However, in the midst of their whining, Sirius picked up the words "asleep" and "alright". The door slammed shut behind the last player, and Sirius slid out from under the bed.

Those ten feet to his brother's bedside were some of the longest Sirius would ever walk. Regulus wasn't moving, as far as he could tell. The feelings of dread returned.

Sirius kept up his strides until he was hovering over his brother. A turban of white bandages embraced his head, but other than that he showed no sign of injury. His chest rose and fell at slow, steady, natural intervals. The Slytherins had been right, he was asleep.

Relief washed over Sirius like a cold shower. He collapsed into one of the chairs vacated by the Slytherins and scrutinized every detail of his younger brother. He was thin, too thin, and, regretfully, his complexion was more similar to Snape's than Sirius'. Regulus had never been as broad or athletic as Sirius, but he had never looked this sickly. The hair sticking out from under the dressings looked a little too limp to belong to a Black. Even in sleep, there was a worrisome hardness around Regulus' eyes and mouth.

Sirius didn't dare touch Regulus. How could he? The boy in the bed was a stranger. Memories of last summer came flooding back. Reugulus had turned sixteen at the end of May. Was there any possibility that he wasn't a Death Eater yet? And what the hell would Voldemort want with a teenager, anyway? Their parents must have been demanding after Sirius walked out but would they really sell their favorite son to the devil himself?

Yes. Yes, they would.

The door opened and shut behind him, but Sirius couldn't muster the energy to turn around. He owed his brother his undivided attentions, if nothing else. Then a pair of soft, warm arms twined themselves around his neck. He didn't need to look up to know who it was; he had memorized every inch of her a long time ago. Sirius leaned his head back as long tendrils of her hair caressed his face. Something feathery (her lips, maybe?) brushed against his hairline.

Lily said nothing. It was one of the innumerable things Sirius loved about her; she knew that more often than not silence spoke much louder than words. Sirius had no idea how long he sat there, breathing in her scent as she brushed her angel lips along tender spots on his head. If anyone understood dealing with sibling dysfunction, it was Lily.

A sudden urgency locked into Sirius as he remembered his injured brother was lying before him. His eyes popped opened and he leaned slightly, regretfully away from Lily. Yes, Regulus' chest was still rising and falling. He was still alive. Thank God.

"God, Lily," he breathed.

Her little fingertips swept some of the hair out of his eyes. "It was an accident. It's not like you tried to hit your brother."

"Yeah, but I still did it."

"People get hurt playing Quidditch. That's part of the reason you all like it so much. Regulus will be fine. He's not nearly as bad as Kirby McCormack was our third year."

Oh yes. That had been messy. "Still." Sensing his need to shoulder the guilt, Lily let it go.

They remained still in the silence for Lord knows how long. Seriously, neither of them knew the time; the only indication they had that time had passed was the sudden darkness that descended through the Hospital Wing when Madam Pomfrey shook them out of their stupor to order them out. Sirius protested vehemently, but when visiting hours were over, they were over. End of story.

Lily wrapped her arms around one of Sirius' long ones as Madam Pomfrey huffily snapped the door to the Hospital Wing shut behind them. Her little feet had to work overtime to match Sirius' long strides. "Sirius," she whispered, almost pleading. "Sirius, what are you going to do now?"

He didn't look at her. He was too focused on getting back to Gryffindor Tower as quickly as humanly possible. "I'm going back, of course."

She dragged behind him silently for the rest of their tromp across the two floors to the Fat Lady's portrait. However, just before they turned the final corner she stopped in her tracks, forcing Sirius to stop and pivot around to face her. Pure confusion bathed his face. "What?"

Lily opened her mouth, closed it, and then opened it again. Sirius shook his head impatiently. "Lily, come on." He tried to turn but she held him in place. Unsurely, she moved her hands from his arm to his chest.

"I guess…I guess I just wanted to remind you that you're a good man, Sirius. I wouldn't love you if you weren't."

Unbelievably, involuntarily, Sirius cracked a smile. He looked down into her jade eyes and felt a small sliver of calmness for what felt like the first time in a lifetime. "Yes you would."

She locked her arms around his neck, and he let her kiss him, even though he knew he didn't deserve it. Not by a long shot.

The victory party was still in full swing in the common room. Lily was quickly pulled aside by Marlene, who was joined at the hip with the third Chaser, Dragomir Gorgovitch (who incidentally seemed a little too Eastern European to be anything but a Slytherin), leaving Sirius free to swerve around his drunken classmates to the dormitories. In the quiet of his own dormitory, Sirius changed out of his Quidditch robes into something less conspicuous.

As always, James' Invisibility Cloak was stashed under his four-poster bed. Pulling it out, Sirius draped it over himself and walked right back out the door. Navigating through the common room was easy due to the number of drunken students mulling about; none of them noticed when the portrait hole opened and shut seemingly of its own accord.

It was all Sirius could do not to sprint back to his brother's bedside, but for subtlety's sake he crept along the inside wall, making as little noise as possible. The walk itself was torturous, but at least this time he knew Regulus was in no immediate danger.

As before, Sirius approached the door to the Hospital Wing quietly, opening and closing it in the same manner. The wing was now dark, save the candle burning beside the closed door to Madam Pomfrey's office and the half-light of the quarter moon. Regulus' corner was perhaps the darkest. Painfully slowly, Sirius tiptoed past Pomfrey's office to the chair he had previously occupied. However, even in the darkness he could see that his brother's eyes were open. Drawing out his wand, he cast a quick Silencing charm on his brother before pulling off the Cloak.

Regulus' eyes widened, but he remained still. Sirius ended the spell and returned his wand to its place in his pocket. Then he just stared at his brother. As it turned out, he had no idea what to say to the boy he had injured. Regulus simply stared back at him, emotionless.

"Hello, Sirius."

Sirius blinked. Then he thought of something to say. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I got hit in the head with a Bludger."

Right. Of course.

Regulus continued to stare up at his older brother. "Did you want something?"

Sirius let out a long-withheld sigh and ran a hand down his face. This was turning out to be more awkward than he had thought it would. "I…I guess…I guess I wanted to apologize. You know, for hitting you and…yeah."

This time Regulus blinked. "Alright." Another blink.

Another shaky breath escaped Sirius' lungs. He moved his hand back up his face and through his hair. "Look, Reg, how are you doing? Really?"

The younger Black's only response was to turn his head and stare straight up at the ceiling. Sirius waited, but he said nothing. After several minutes, Sirius put his hands on his knees and said, "I should go." Regulus' eyes snapped back to him.

"Sirius."

Sirius instantly sat back down in the chair he had half-risen from and leaned toward his brother. Regulus' eyes, which had always been so sharp, were foggy and uncertain. He opened his mouth and closed it, not unlike Lily had just done a half an hour earlier. "Sirius, I…I need to tell you something."

He reached to his right and took his wand from the table beside his bed. He hesitated, and then ran the tip of it slowly up his left forearm.

Sirius recoiled instinctively. "Jesus―" This time Regulus cast the Silencing spell. Sirius' mouth hung open in noiseless horror. There was no mistaking the skull and the serpent now visible on his brother's arm.

Regulus didn't break the spell. "You can't tell anyone about this. Especially Dumbledore. The Dark Lord said he had no use for me until after I finished school, but Bella wanted to have me Marked this summer anyway. Please, Sirius."

His arm wavered, and the magical gag in Sirius' mouth vanished as quickly as it had appeared. Honestly, the only thing he could think to was _shit_. And he said it.

"Shit."

That out of the way, Sirius moved on to more pressing matters. "What the hell were you thinking?"

Regulus' eyes narrowed. "What was there to think about? They told me to get Marked, so I got Marked."

"Are you serious? What makes you think I'm not going straight to Dumbledore?"

His brother ground his teeth. "I just told you, he'll kick me out, and then the Dark Lord will expect me to take a more active role. I'm not ready for that yet, Sirius."

Sirius' fingers gripped at his hair. "Why _him_ Reg. Just, why?"

If he had been anyone but a Black, Sirius would have sworn he saw a glimmer of a sad smile flash across his brother's face. "I was always going to be on this side, Sirius."

Sirius jerked to his feet with such force that his chair skidded backwards behind his. Regulus' eyes darted fearfully to Madam Pomfrey's office, but Sirius no longer cared. He snatched the Cloak from the back of the chair and stood menacingly over his brother.

"Look, do what you want. Get yourself killed. I don't care anymore. But listen to me, because I'm only gonna say this once: Stay the hell away from me, stay the hell away from Lily and our friends. Don't you dare try to contact me, and if I hear that you've so much as looked at anyone I care about, I will not hesitate. Is that clear?"

There it was. The cold, unfeeling, metallic glint in Regulus' eyes. Maybe he was a Black after all. He nodded once, a jolting motion restricted by his bandages.

Sirius swung the Invisibility Cloak over his shoulders and marched out of the Hospital Wing, not caring if Pomfrey noticed the door slam closed and not looking back. In the hall he broke into a run, his feet making loud slapping sounds against the stone floor. It didn't matter if he was caught anymore. He just needed to get to the Astronomy Tower as quickly as possible, needed to go to the one place in that damned castle where his head could be clear. Where he could pretend he still had a family.

Because reality needed to shut the hell up.

* * *

_As it is now officially summer and I don't have crap to worry about like exams and such, I was finally able to write this sucker down. And, truth be told, I love it. It's so freakin' long; it pushed this story into a new work count bracket. It's me second favorite chapter after Chapter 6. If you haven't noticed, I love all things Black Family, except maybe the Malfoy branch (too overdone), so writing Reg was incredible. I hope ya'll think I did him justice with the little he said. And since it's summer that also means I get to write more. Haza!_

_The chapter title is _Some Day_ by Shinedown. Fits well with family dysfunction and the crumbling of relationships and the like._

_Thank you so much to my lovely readers and reviewers. Especially you, random American person who checked my profile five times in one day. That wasn't creepy at all. Seriously though, thank you guys. This story now has over 5000 hits. That's freakin' awesome. And I just watched _The Departed_ last week, which is why I'm saying "freakin'" so much. But I digress. I actually feel whiny and co-dependent for constantly begging you guys for reviews, but please keep up the support. I love you for it, and nothing motivates me more. Besides, ya'll should know by now that I won't update without reviews. *wink wink, nudge nudge*_

_In all seriousness, though, I get moody and vindictive when ya'll don't review. And surely by now ya'll know how petty I am. Just a thought._

_As previously mentioned, it is summer, which will mean a dramatic increase in updates. Thank the Lord, huh? I hope to have the next chapter up by next Saturday, assuming ya'll review, but it's freakin' long too, so it might take a little longer. After I get through it I should be able to crank out the next couple chapters. And they'll be squeal worthy, I promise._

_Til Next Saturday! Hopefully!_


	17. Never Say Never

**Disclaimer: Own Harry Potter, I do not. But own Star Wars, I do. I'm kidding. Seriously, I'm kidding.**

* * *

"Lily?"

Even knocking softly seemed to disruptive in the deafening silence of the night. Well, that wasn't necessarily true; he could hear the occasional snores or rustles of movement from the others. But this just gave him a new excuse to say her name.

Christmas Eve had come again. Their anniversary, of sorts. Though who would have ever guessed they'd spend their first at the Potters' house, huh?

Mr. and Mrs. Potter had been firm this year; unless Jesus Christ himself showed up at the great oak doors and said otherwise, Sirius was to come for Christmas. And, they continued, if his girlfriend had no one else to stay with, he "would just have to bring her along, too." Yes, they actually wrote that. Shocking isn't it?

The point was, no matter how Sirius went around it there was going to be some awkwardness. He didn't want to say no to the Potters. After all, he loved them like his own parents. Heck, he loved them _more_ than his own parents. But they had been more than a daunting perspective for Lily.

Lily and James got along well now, even better than after what Remus dubbed "The Initial Shock". His prowess as Quidditch captain had settled him in a mood in which he felt comfortable with just about anything, despite all the horrible things in the news lately. Lily found that she liked this less-extreme James, especially since it resulted in a semi-competent partner to perform Heads' duties with. But, being James parents, Lily knew that they had seen him through his borderline obsession with her and would judge her for choosing to be with Sirius over their son, no matter how much he swore they wouldn't.

Still, she came and smiled and was gracious, even when Sirius knew she felt out of place or depressed at her lack of family at the holidays. He felt guilty, for he knew that the only reason she put herself through it was for him, but frankly when it came right down to it he knew they both preferred the tension to spending the break apart.

So here he was, standing outside one of the Potters' guest rooms at eleven-thirty on Christmas Eve, waiting impatiently for his girlfriend's lovely face to appear. And, after seconds that lasted eons, it did.

Truly, there was nothing like the feeling that came from watching Lily smile. The way her emerald eyes lit up when she saw it was him (though, really, who else would it have been?), her rose petal hair askew and blue robe wrapped around her thin frame. She opened and shut her door as quietly as a church mouse and took his hand.

As always, the Potters had quite literally decked the halls for Christmas, which entailed hundreds of fairies lighting every hallway, so they didn't fumble in the dark. Lily followed Sirius blindly as he led her to the ground floor, where the Potters had placed their gargantuan Christmas tree.

This time last year, when Lily had convinced him to finally live and let live, Sirius had promised himself that he would do right by Lily. He had seen his share of parasitic relationships, thank you very much, and from what he could tell a lack of faith between the partners, usually concerning honesty, was frequently to blame. Lily was too important, too necessary for him to ruin, and as such she deserved to know every one of his secrets. Being a part of his soul and all.

However, he hadn't told her that his brother was a Death Eater. She had to know something was bothering him, of course; he hadn't said a word about Regulus after visiting him that last time in the Hospital Wing, but his mood had been downright vicious for a long while after. Lily put up with him unwaveringly and didn't press for answers, but he still felt an enormous guilt for keeping it from her. Yes, Sirius knew he was protecting his brother by keeping the whole Death Eater-ship thing to himself (he had resolved to tell Dumbledore just before the end of Regulus' seventh year), but he physically ached knowing that there was now a dark part of him that Lily's light didn't touch. He supposed that must be what having a tumor felt like.

Covertly, he shook those dark thoughts from his mind as he tiptoed down the stairs, Lily in tow. It was Christmas Eve. He was in love. There was no way in hell he was going to let his bloody Death Eater brother spoil this for him.

Lily moved past him to the tree, which she promptly flung herself under. Sirius grinned, a nostalgic feeling bubbling up inside him as she patted the floor at her side. He nudged the gifts aside with his foot and crawled under the branches beside her. She instantly slid an arm over him and molded herself to his side.

The fairy lights really were spectacular. All the blues and pinks and golds whirling together, creating shades on the gift boxes underneath through the branches. Sirius particularly like the patterns they made in Lily's hair, which had fanned out beside her. He reached over and brushed the few strands clinging to the needles of the tree into place before tangling his hand in it.

"I love you."

She shifted closer to him, and he could feel her smile against his chest.

The clock began to chime. Midnight. Sirius pressed his lips against her forehead and pulled back gently. Her eyes were closed, wishing―

Fire. The tree was on fire. Smoke seared Sirius' eyes as Lily's burst open. Without thinking he grabbed her around the waist and yanked her out from under the burning tree. They tumbled away from it and scrambled to their feet.

The whole room was aflame: the furniture, the carpets, the decorations. Screams pierced the crackling air from the first floor, signaling the blaze's spread. Lily was quicker than Sirius; in a flash she had her wand pulled out from her robe and sprayed the room at large with water. Sirius assisted her with his as they backed toward the stairs, the only corner of the room that was not engulfed in flames.

Sirius fought to repress the panic that was quickly ballooning in his chest. How the hell was he going to get Lily out of here? As far as he could tell all of the ground floor exits were blocked, and he really couldn't imagine how trying to fight their way through the fire to get to them was going to help matters. The screams from upstairs had transformed into guttural shouts, more and more time passing between each. Even more adrenaline spiked Sirius' blood at that realization.

This was Death Eaters. It had to be; houses didn't just burst into flames. Well, not magical houses, at least. Damn it, he shouldn't have come. If Bellatrix really was out for his blood he had led her directly to his family. Their deaths would be on him.

He kept only half his mind on his _Aguamenti_ spell as he and Lily backed up the stairs, the other being on the defensive spells he would employ against the Death Eaters that were most assuredly awaiting the on the upper floors. She wouldn't like it, but damn it if he was going to let Lily face one of Voldemort's goons so long as he was there to protect her.

A bloodcurdling scream echoed down from the second floor. A woman's scream: Mrs. Potter. Shit. Maybe he wasn't the one they were after.

Flames licked the carpet of the first floor, though not as completely as they had the ground floor. Through the stinging smoke Sirius could make out two figures at the end of the hall, one less defined than the other. Their identities were obscured by the smoke, so Sirius sent up a quick prayer that they were his friends rather than Death Eaters. He and Lily wordlessly aimed their streams of water at the floor, attempting to cut a path to the others.

And then the ceiling caved in.

Sirius and Lily were thrown backward, with Sirius twisting so as not to land on her. At that moment he felt a tugging at his neck, choking him. The smoke blinded him; he had no clue what was happening to him or what had become of Lily. Then the tugging at his neck ceased as quickly as it began and something heavy slammed loudly in front of him. The opaque smoke began to clear until Sirius could take in his bearings.

He and Lily were on the floor of Remus and Peter's room, the door firmly shut in front of them. Remus was doubled over against a blackened wall, panting. He had dragged them from the demolition site of the hall to safety by the backs of their shirts. Poor Moony: his asthma was something awful.

"Death Eaters," he croaked.

"What happened?" Sirius asked as he helped Lily to her feet.

Remus straightened up but remained slouched against the wall for support. "We woke up when they broke the window." He gestured to the large, broken window opposite him, through which smoke was filtering out. "They blasted in fire before we could do anything. Peter freaked out, so I had to put it out myself, but that took forever. James was in the hall when we finally got out; he said a Death Eater had attacked him in his room, but he disarmed it. Then we heard Mrs. Potter scream, and he told us to get help while he went for his parents."

"Wait." Lily held up her hand. "You let him go up there _alone_? Are you insane?"

"Let me finish," Remus growled. "I busted a bigger hole in the window and _Mobilicorpus_ed Peter out it. He's gone for help from the Ministry. I was about to go after James when the ceiling creaked. I only had enough time to grab the two of you before it came down."

Sirius brushed sweat from his brow. This was very, very bad. James was somewhere in the burning house, and if the second figure at the end of the hall was any indication so were the Death Eaters.

"Ok," he said. "Ok. Remus, I need you to take Lily―"

"No way!" Lily yelled."

"―take Lily out of here and alert Dumbledore. Who knows how long it'll take the Ministry to get here, so hurry."

"What about you?" Remus asked.

"I'm going after James; he's going to get himself killed."

"I'm coming with you," Lily interjected.

"No, you're not."

"Sirius―"

"I'm not going to lose you, Lily." He hadn't realized he was gripping her shoulders. She stared back at him, unblinking. "Sirius, if you think I'm going to let you risk your life while I play messenger with Remus, then you're crazy."

"Then I'm crazy."

"I'm ser―"

She most likely would have said something along the lines of, "I'm serious, Sirius," had he not pulled her into a bruising kiss. Then, just as promptly as he had grabbed her, Sirius pushed himself away from Lily. Not looking back to gage her reaction, which probably would have been furious anyway, he bolted out the door, slamming it behind him. In the hall, he pointed his wand at the knob.

"_Colloportus!_" He heard the distinctive squelching as the door sealed itself closed.

If the collapsing mansion or the Death Eaters didn't kill him first, Lily was going to murder him. Happy Anniversary.

The rubble from the second floor was blocking Sirius from the end of the hall where the two figures had been. Though the debris itself didn't appear to be aflame, it was smoking profusely and the walls along it were blazing. Sirius experimentally sprayed a jet of water into the smoking wreckage only to find that it increased the smoke exponentially. As far as he could tell, even if the walls weren't on fire he wouldn't have enough room to maneuver around the crumbled ceiling blocking his path. Well, that left only one other option. Gritting his teeth, Sirius pointed his wand at himself and began to float through the smoking wreckage to the end of the hall.

Lily had once described for him a Muggle device called a "grill". According to her, Muggles would fill the grill with coal, set it on fire, place meat over the flames, and then trap the meat in with a lid so that it could cook. Surely, this was what it was like to be the meat in a grilling scenario. Every inch of Sirius seared, the smoke rendering him blind and unable to breathe. God only knows how he managed to concentrate enough to keep himself above the smoldering plaster and wood, but he did and, agonizing though it was, found himself at the foot of the stairs.

The smoke here was thicker than it had been on the other side of the rubble, but at least the walls weren't on fire. However, Sirius could clearly see flames at the top of the stairs, taunting him.

"Help!"

Sirius spun around to face the corner to his right. The smoke there was thicker still, but he could make out a pair of legs sprawled across the floor. "Help," it wheezed again.

Cautiously, Sirius raised his wand. "Who are you?"

There was a cough. "James." He coughed again. "Is that you, Sirius?"

Relief coursed through Sirius. Thank Merlin, James was alive. And he wasn't a Death Eater. "Yeah, it's me. Hang on. _Lumos!_"

Light filtered through the smoke, enabling Sirius to see his friend more clearly. James was lying on his back, his shoulders pressed against the wall so that his head was somewhat upright. A heavy wooden beam was bearing down on his chest at a hideous angle. His wand was mere inches out of his reach, though, thankfully, intact.

"Hang on a second, Prongs." Sirius inched forward, careful of the weakened floor, until he was standing over his friend. He lowered his wand so that it was pointing straight at the beam and extinguished the light. He sent up another silent prayer and then levitated the beam.

A horrible, screeching noise erupted from the plank as it slid up the junction of the two walls, leaving deep track marks in its wake. But the shrieking wasn't nearly as terrible as the rattle that resonated from James' lungs as they were freed of the weight of the beam. He had definitely broken at least a few ribs. Sirius hastily flicked his wand and the beam flew onto the pile of busted ceiling with a crunch.

James' breathing, though still extremely ragged, sounded a bit better now. "Thanks, man."

Sirius kneeled beside him. "No problem."

"Help me up."

Sirius pulled his friend upright, careful of the ribs and any other bones that might have been injured. James staggered and leaned against Sirius, one foot unable to support his weight. He pointed to the opposite corner. "I think he's dead."

Sure enough, when Sirius took a closer look at the corner he could make out another pair of legs. A Death Eater.

James floundered again as he reached down to retrieve his wand. Straightening up, he used his free hand to push off against Sirius and limped toward the stairs. Sirius advanced forward a step and grabbed his shoulder. "Where are you going?"

James half-turned to look at him. "To find my parents," he said, as though it were obvious.

"Prongs, we've got to get out of here."

James jerked his shoulder away and limped up the first step. Sirius grabbed him again, more tightly this time. "James, the house is coming down and you're in no shape to fight the fire. Come on, I'll levitate you out a window and we can wait for some help."

James' eyes blazed in the flickering light. "No." He attempted to pull away again, but Sirius held firm. "Let me go, Sirius." He flung his arm up so that Sirius had to cross his eyes to see the wand, but he remained resolute. "I'm not going to let you kill yourself, James. Going up there is suicidal."

"They're my parents! Would you leave your parents to burn?"

"Yes." Stupid question.

The wand wavered, and James' eyes moistened from more than the sting of the smoke. "Please, Sirius. Let me go. Please. They're the only family I have."

And suddenly Sirius remembered with striking clarity Lily's face as they sat on her back steps following her father's funeral. He could see the tear tracks on her cheeks glittering in the dying light, the sorrow etched on her face. He remembered the way her body shuddered as she cried in his arms that night, as she did every night for the weeks that followed. As she sometimes still did.

Sirius had never witnessed such unbearable grief until Dr. Evans' death completely shattered Lily's world and, although he had stood by her steadfastly for the last six months, had left her utterly alone. He couldn't imagine James, strong, prideful, carefree James crumpling the way Lily had. He didn't think he could stand it.

"Alright."

James' shoulders slumped and his wand lowered instantaneously. He began panting again. "Thank you. Thank you, Sirius."

He turned and, still staggering, limped up the stairs; as he went he shot a steady stream of water from his wand into the flames above. Sirius followed behind him, also hosing the fire and ready to catch his friend, who he feared could drop at any moment.

Thankfully, the Death Eaters didn't appear to be in the second floor hall, but their mark was evident. Deep, charring slash marks coated the walls. Picture frames were smashed and burning, side tables in pieces. Several of the doors were blasted in, their now haphazard frames licked with flames.

The real problem was the gaping hole where most of the floor had been. Smoke rose up from the heap below, creating a peppery haze through which Sirius could barely make out Mr. and Mrs. Potter's door. Or, rather, doorway, as their door had been blasted in. Sirius wiped sweat out of his eyes as the sensation of being cooked returned to him. The ceiling creaked threateningly. Sweet Merlin, they needed to get out.

James didn't really take the time to assess his surroundings; as Sirius had done on the floor below, he levitated himself over the hole and into his parents' room. Sirius made to follow him, his panic increasing when the floor beneath his feet crumbled when he hovered off of it. The pieces tumbled down to the pile below with a stomach-churning thump. Sirius' skin burnt in the smoke as his eyes and lungs filled again.

From inside the bedroom, James screamed, a high, painful scream. Pure fear filled Sirius to such an extreme that he lost focus and his spell broke. For one sickening moment he fell, his stomach jumping up into his throat. The smoke seared with a new intensity. However, it only lasted a moment. Just as soon as he began falling, Sirius recast his spell and floated back to his former position. After taking one more fleeting second to attempt to calm his irate heart rate (unsuccessfully), he hovered into the Potters' bedroom and stepped down into hell.

Literally, it looked like hell. The bed was blazing, as were the curtains. The large bay window had been smashed, though large, jagged pieces still clung to the frame. All the furniture had been thrown on the bed to create a massive bonfire, which looked to be scorching a hole in the roof. Sirius' eyes traveled from the ceiling to the bed to the floor beside the bed, and then he wished they hadn't, for the sight that greeted him was horror personified.

Mr. and Mrs. Potter's bodies lay on the floor, their son beside them, howling. From the odd angle at which he held him, it seemed that James had rolled his father over. The entire body was stark white, as though it had been petrified, with the exception of the face. Judging from the blood that splattered his face, Mr. Potter's nose had been broken. All in all, the body bore the distinct signs of an _Avada Kedavra_. James was shaking his father by his shoulders, begging him to wake up.

Mrs. Potter lay near her husband. From the way she was positioned she had fallen backward and landed face up. Her hands were white like her husband's, suggesting that she had also been killed by the _Avada Kedavra_. That in and of itself would have been disturbing enough, but whoever had killed her had taken it a step farther.

Her hair was on fire. The once black locks, not at all unlike her son's, were blazing orange. Or what was left of them, rather; most of the hair had already burnt away and the flames had progressed to her skin, which, in several places, had also burned away to reveal charring bone.

It was too much. Too much. Sirius turned away from the bodies and vomited.

The house swayed as Sirius straightened up to the sight of his friend desperately trying to beat the fire from his mother's head. The smoke, coupled with the ceaseless screaming, was causing James to choke.

The roof creaked threateningly above them. Then Sirius saw deep, uneven cracks begin to trail their way down the walls. Sirius didn't think; he tackled James and drug him to the window as the roof collapsed atop the door and corpses.

"No!" James sobbed. "No!" He fought to free himself from Sirius' arms, but Sirius resisted. James screamed for his parents and clawed at Sirius. Finally, winded from dragging James and dizzy from smoke inhalation, Sirius released him. James made to crawl to the heap of crumbled roof, but Sirius was one step ahead of him.

"_Stupefy_!"

He hated himself for it, he really did. And James would hate him even more. But Mr. and Mrs. Potter would not have wanted their son to die in their burning house, of that he was certain. He owed them more than he could possible say; he could do at least this one last thing for them.

The floor cracked dangerously beneath Sirius' feet as he magically lowered James to the snowy ground below. The grounds were motionless. Where the heck was Peter with the Ministry? Sirius felt rather than heard a thudding crash from the other end of the house as yet another part of the mansion came apart in the flames. He knew he only had a matter of moments before the roof buckled in the fire and came down on top of him. Sirius set a still Stupefied James as far away from the building as he could manage and then turned his wand on himself.

Floorboards snapped under his feet, and he was falling. His wand arm came down on the window frame, sending thick shards of glass into his upper arm. Sirius grasped blindly with his free hand, desperate for anything to hang on to. He found another jagged piece of glass.

Sirius tried his best to pull himself up, but he just couldn't, not with the glass cutting deeper and deeper into his flesh. His feet scrapped vainly against the wall as he tried to regain footing. The wall shuddered against his chest, ready to give way.

Dimly, through the crackling of the blazing house, Sirius heard a familiar popping noise. And then another. And then another. Then a multitude of _pops_ chorused from the ground outside, followed by loud, if not indistinguishable, shouts.

"Help!" Sirius yelled, his voice hoarsened by smoke and pain. "Up here! Help!" But, of course, they couldn't hear him.

The wall trembled against him. Beads of sweat trailed down his face. This was it. Sirius pulled his left hand from the glass. After several agonizing attempts he managed to mirror his arms so that his upper arms were speared on the serrated glass and his forearms dangled out the window.

Adrenaline had to have played a part in getting him out the window. Glass tore into Sirius' arms as he pulled himself up. As soon as his chest was level with the sill, Sirius heaved his torso out the window. The force of the motion was enough to propel him completely through, the glass shredding at his stomach as he crossed.

Imagine, if you will, that you are dreaming. It could be about anything: You could be in your favorite movie, or you could be reliving a childhood memory. Hell, you could even be having sex. The situation is unimportant. But then imagine your dream changes. You are falling. You don't know how you began falling or where you're falling to; you're just falling. Your stomach lurches, your throat clenches. This is how Sirius felt as he tumbled out the bay window.

He fell at least a story before he felt the spell hit him. Wonderful weightlessness overcame him as he floated down to rest on the cold, snow-covered ground. There was movement all around him. Turning his head about, he could see a row of wizards spraying water up into the blazing house. Ah, the Ministry. Wormtail had come through after all.

Sirius knew he should get up and help them, but his body throbbed as it never had before. The rips in his arms and stomach stung so sharply that he prayed to lose consciousness. Blood drizzled a terrible graffiti on the ground around him.

"Sirius?" The voice was oddly familiar, but Sirius was too dazed to try to place a name to it. "Sirius!" There it was again.

Sirius yelped inadvertently as a pair of strong hands clamped down on his shoulders. Stars momentarily danced before his eyes, and when they cleared Sirius found himself staring up into the sturdy face of Frank Longbottom.

So the Aurors were involved. Good.

"You're going to be just fine now, Sirius." Sirius was vaguely aware of Frank prying his wand from his clenched hand. "It's alright. Hold still a minute and I'll try to patch up those cuts."

"Where's James?" Was that croaking voice really his?

"Over there." Frank pointed over his shoulder to where a hysterical James was being restrained by two Aurors. "They're going to have to sedate him. But who could blame him, really?" Yes, who could?

A crunching noise drew Sirius' attention back to the house. The entire roof had caved in, raining a shower of embers down on the wizards below. The flames from the roof soared even higher now, burning straight up into the clear night sky.

Sirius' eyes traveled up the blaze to the rising smoke. Something flickered in it, and Sirius looked harder. The smoke was swirling around some kind of light, an eerie sort of light.

One of the wizards got a particularly good shot in at the flames, causing a momentary decrease in smoke. It was then that Sirius saw it. Hovering over the Potter mansion, made even more gruesome by the shadows of the smoke, was a sickening, green skull with a hideous serpent emerging from its mouth.

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_Shame on me. There, I said it. And I'll say it again. Shame on me. But in my defense, I actually have a good reason this time. In the last couple of months some serious shit has gone down in my family, and I didn't have the opportunity to write like I had wanted to. This chapter especially. I hope, know that you've read it, you'll understand why orphaning someone, especially in such a horrific way as this, was hard for me to write right now. And it's freakin' long. So._

_All the same, I hope ya'll liked this chapter. I'm never quite sure about myself when I'm writing actiony sequences. I'm much more comfortable with dialogue, which I will be getting back to in the next several chapters. This chapter was plot driven; the next couple will be more character driven. Which means more Sirius and Lily screentime. Yay!_

_The title is _Never Say Never_ by The Fray._

_Incidentally, I've noticed a substancial increase in Sirius/Lily stories over they last few months. If any of those authors are reading this, thank you. The Sirius and Lily pairing is very dear to my heart, as you might have guessed, and it's so nice to have more variety out there. And if you're thinking about posting a Sirius/Lily fic but haven't yet, let me be the first to encourage you. If you've made it all the way to chapter 17 of my little paper-and-ink baby here, you've got to be interested in them. So write, por favor!_

_I'm not going to beg you guys for reviews like I've had to for the last couple of chapters because, quite frankly, I'm too emotionally drained right now to write anything heartfelt of that nature. But I will say this: hearing from you guys always thrills me, and I could really use a dose of happy right now. So review, please._

_If you're a freak like me and read the time stamps on this things, you'll see that this little fanfic is now over a year old. Horray! I'm blowing on a kazoo right now, it's just that most of ya'll are overseas and can't hear it. I'd like to say thank you to everyone who has stuck by _Better Man_ for the last year. I know I haven't made it easy on you. And speaking of making it easy, I have no idea when the next update will be. Surprise, surprise. But the good news is that, even though my classes start up in two days, my schedule this year just got a lot less crowded, so I'll hopefully be able to write more. Who knows?_

_'Til Next Time!_


	18. Happiness Is A Warm Gun

**Disclaimer: Funnily enough, there is no"J," "K," or"Rowling" anywhere in my name. Sorry to disappoint.**

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The beauty of the sunrise mocked them that Christmas morning. Lily would have scowled at the window had the light not aggravated her tender, sleep deprived eyes. Dumbledore had sent Remus and her to the Hospital Wing as soon as they had relayed the news of the ongoing attack and, despite the multitude of beds, neither had slept a wink.

The first hour had been torturous, the sluggish passing of time only slightly alleviated when Professor McGonagall burst in as Madam Pomfrey was healing their minor injuries. She had sputtered with indignant fury and left as quickly as she arrived when they could provide her with no real information.

Finally, at long last, Peter arrived under the escort of two Aurors. He was absolutely hysterical, and Madam Pomfrey was quick to administer a strong dosage of Dreamless Sleep Potion, the effects of which remained in full strength the entirety of the night. The Aurorshad left as soon as he went down, not wanting to share information with "civilians" like Remus and Lily in fear of breaching Ministry confidentiality codes.

Peter's arrival was both a blessing and a hindrance because his solitary presence made the absence of James and Sirius all the more prevalent. Remus and Lily didn't speak; how could they? Beyond the paralyzing terror that gripped the both of them, what if one of their voiced fears materialized? What if something terrible had already occurred and they had left their friends to die? No, speaking was unfathomable. Instead, they sat rigidly on juxtaposed beds and watched the door unblinkingly.

Lily couldn't breathe. It was as though she had left her lungs back in that burning building with Sirius and only the sight of him would rectify the monstrous cavity that had developed in her chest. She couldn't even muster up the energy to be furious with him for kissing her and then locking her in with Remus, even though it was the second time he had kissed and run. But after tonight, she doubted she could ever really be furious with him again. She was frozen in time, her body in stasis, unable to live again until Sirius returned alive.

And then all at once the doors burst open and there they were, alive. A morose Dumbledore led them in, his arm around an apparently catatonic James, bless his heart. Sirius' head could be seen over his cloaked shoulder.

Madam Pomfrey rushed from her office as Remus and Lily sprung from their beds. Dumbledore ushered James into a cot as the nurse swooped down on him. His path clear, Sirius lurched forward as Lily sprinted to him. He'd barely moved a foot when she collided with him. Her arms wrapped securely around his torso. She pressed her face against him in an attempt to smother the sob she felt rising up from her throat. He breathed heavily into her tangled hair. Lily gripped him tighter and he winced against her.

"Easy, Lily." Reluctantly, Lily pulled her face away from Sirius to observe a splotchy Frank Longbottom standing behind her boyfriend, blowing into his chapped hands. Lily felt compelled to hug him but couldn't bring herself to even want to leave the safety of Sirius' arms. She twisted her head so that the bottom of her chin was pressed against Sirius' chest and stared up into his fathomless eyes. "Are you ok?"

He smiled sadly down at her. "I'm ok. Just a little banged up is all." And then he was kissing her and the world made sense again.

Regretfully, Sirius broke away from her to pull Remus into a one-armed hug, the other arm refusing to release its hold on Lily's waist. Remus gripped each of their shoulders, creating a warped triangle between the three of them. As Remus pulled away, Lily turned back to Frank.

"Thank you, Frank. Thank you for bringing them back."

Frank's boyish cheeks reddened and he looked down at her feet, mumbling something about just doing his job.

Remus looked to Sirius in earnest. "Mr. and Mrs. Potter?"

Sirius opened his mouth and quickly shut it. He shook his head mournfully. Remus' hand flew to his mouth; Lily pressed her face back against Sirius' chest, this time not bothering to contain her sob. They hadn't deserved this.

He held her there until blurry-eyed Remus croaked, "We best get you into bed, Padfoot. You look awful."

It was truly a sign of the times that Sirius didn't say, "Gee, thanks."

Lily led Sirius to the cot beside the two she and Remus had pushed together. He took off the wool cloak he was wearing and handed it to Frank, who had loaned it to him. Underneath, his pajamas had been shredded into streamers, and his skin was painted with what appeared to be dried blood.

Lily felt all the air escape from her lungs. "Sirius, what have you done?" she gasped.

"Got caught on a broken window." Well, alright then.

He looked it, too. Thin white lines crisscrossed along his arms and stomach. Particularly his stomach. Lily rounded on Frank. "Why didn't you heal him properly?"

To his credit, Frank didn't shrink away from her frenzy. "Lily, I've only had six months of training; I didn't feel comfortable healing him all the way. I only did enough to stop the bleeding. I figured it would be better if a professional fixed him up."

Madam Pomfrey chose that moment to bustle past Remus and edge Lily away from her patient. "You always were a smart boy, Mr. Longbottom." She took Sirius by the wrist and examined his arm. "And you've done very well considering your limited healing experience." She drew her wand and began trailing its tip along Sirius' numerous scars, the white lines vanishing beneath it.

It was then that Dumbledore appeared at the foot of the bed, his bright blue eyes grim behind their spectacles. Sirius spoke first. "Professor, have they caught anyone?"

Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "No, they haven't."

"Do they know anything, then?" asked Remus.

Dumbledore exhaled softly, and for one brief moment he looked every bit an old man. Then he locked eyes with the shaggy-haired boy on the bed. "Before I say anything else, I want you to know how very proud I am of you, Sirius. You demonstrated courage above and beyond your years this evening."

Sirius smiled despondently, but never looked away from the headmaster. "What else was I supposed to do?"

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "Yes, what else?" Madam Pomfrey finished with Sirius' arm and went around to work on the other. Lily sat on the edge of the cot and took Sirius' good hand in both of hers. The corners of Dumbledore's mouth turned upward slightly. "It never ceases to amaze me, the capacity of the human spirit to love."

He sighed. "As I said before, the Aurors have yet to apprehend anyone, nor does it look as though they will. They are still investigating, of course, but I am afraid that from what Head Auror Moody has told me this attack bares signs of being implemented by Voldemort himself."

Lily's entire body chilled; Sirius' hand somehow managed to crush both of hers. _They had been in the same building as Voldemort_. Lily shuddered involuntarily. She inadvertently looked around Dumbledore at James, who was staring unseeingly at the window from his bed across the aisle. He seemed not be hearing their conversation.

The headmaster noticed her look. "Mr. Potter has suffered a great loss tonight, but for now, I think, it is best that we allow him to process his grief as he sees fit. His mind will accept his new reality when it is ready." He turned to Frank as Madam Pomfrey finished up with the injuries on Sirius' stomach. "Mr. Longbottom, if you are needing to return to the Ministry, I can assure you that my students will be perfectly safe here."

Frank nodded solemnly. "Of course, Headmaster." He shook Remus and Sirius' hands and gave Lily a quick hug.

"Tell Alice not to worry about us," she asked.

"You know she will anyway." And with that, he left.

Dumbledore watched him close the door, and then turned back to Lily, Sirius, and Remus. "I do not want you three to think I am abandoning you, but I'm afraid I must take my leave of you. The loss of the Potters will have even more disastrous consequences than you can possibly understand at this time."

Sirius placed his other hand on Lily's. "We understand, Professor."

Dumbledore patted Sirius on his blanketed foot, twinkled his eyes at Remus and Lily, and was gone.

Madam Pomfrey rounded on them as soon as the door clicked shut. "I don't suppose I'll get any of you to take a Dreamless Sleep Potion either."

They shook their heads.

She heaved a sigh. "Well then." Then she retrieved a fresh pair of pajamas for Sirius and, her work done, retreated to her office.

They didn't sleep, dreamless or otherwise, at all that night. Instead, they spent the waning hours of the night analyzing the events of the night over and over again, trying vainly to make some sense of what had happened. Now at dawn, they returned to the question that had plagued them more than any other: how had they made it through the wards?

"It makes no sense," Remus was saying for the umpteenth time. "James said that Dumbledore himself helped with them. Voldemort shouldn't have been able to get through."

"But he did," Lily bit out bitterly.

"Someone must have told them. One of ours," Sirius remarked darkly.

Remus shook his head in exasperation. "Sirius, we've already been over this. Mr. and Mrs. Potter must have known they could be targeted and wouldn't have let just anyone have access to their house. They ar―" he paused roughly, "_were_ smarter than that."

"Then you come up with an explanation, Moony."

"Do I look like a Death Eater to you? How the hell am I supposed to know how they got in?"

From her place in the crook of Sirius' arm Lily rolled her eyes. As the night had worn on the boys had become increasingly snippy. Oh well. It was one way to combat the insomnia.

Unconsciously, Lily's eyes drifted across the aisle to James. The boy hadn't moved a muscle since Madam Pomfrey had looked him over, but in the early light of daybreak he looked even worse than he had when he entered the Hospital Wing in his zombie-like trance. If that was possible. His sickeningly pale skin was accented sharply by the soot smudges that had yet to be wiped away. His unruly black hair clung to his sticky forehead. But his eyes were the most haunting. Even from the distance Lily could see how horribly red they glared at the world from behind his glasses.

Wordlessly, she eased herself out of Sirius' embrace and padded over to James' bedside. She couldn't help but stare; he looked even worse up close. Lily thought he was either ignoring or couldn't see her until, "What do you want, Lily?"

Lily couldn't help but flinch at the brusqueness of his voice. But then she composed herself. "Well I was going to ask if you're okay, but I think I already know the answer."

He said nothing. He didn't even blink.

Tentatively, Lily moved closer to the bed until she was perched cautiously on its edge. "James," she said. He refused to look at her. "_James_." His horribly bloodshot eyes affixed themselves on her. "I lost my parents, too."

All the air in James' body seemed to spill out in one huff. His eyes flickered to his feet. "When will I stop hurting like this?"

She took his hand. "You don't." He shuddered. "James, my father's only been died since June, so I can't tell you what happens down the road, but I do know that I still hurt. I hurt so badly, James."

His hand was frail in hers. She gripped it.

"But I don't hurt as badly as I did right after my dad passed. And I can only assume that it continues to get easier as time goes on."

James' pale skin was turning slightly red in his effort to control his tears. "I'm alone now," he choked out.

Lily scooted closer and wrapped her free hand around their joined ones. "That's what I thought, too. But Sirius helped me see that there are still people in this world that love me. And James," he choked hoarsely, "there are four people in this room that care about you. Don't forget that."

Peter snorted loudly in his sleep as though to accentuate her point.

Lily hugged James then, pretending not to see the tears slide down his face. He sighed sharply. "Thanks, Lily." She pulled away and gave him a weak smile before slipping back to Sirius. She stopped short of climbing into the bed as Sirius was staring up at her with the most peculiar look on his face, almost as though he were seeing her for the first time. "What?" she asked.

He swallowed thickly. "I love you. So much."

She smiled softly and leaned down to kiss him. "As I love you." Then she slid under the blankets, wrapped an arm around Sirius' freshly healed abdomen, and finally allowed the exhaustion to overtake her.

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_I realize that it's been two months and I apologize for that, but in my defense I'm taking college-level courses and my family drama has reached a new level of stressful. Not that excuses are acceptable. Oh well. On the bright side, I really like this chapter. Consider it my early Halloween present to ya'll. Even though it takes place on Christmas, which is kind of ironic when you think about it.__I would appreciate some feedback on Dumbledore, if you could. He's appearances are going to become increasingly often from this point onward, so I really do want to know if ya'll think my Dumbledore is in character. I have issues writing wise men. And no, I don't mean the kind that come baring gold, frankincense, and myrrh._

_The chapter title is _Happiness Is A Warm Gun_ by The Beatles. Who else?_

_A note on contingency: This chapter was not in my original outline, so for those of you that I told something big would happen in chapter 23, that thing will be happening in chapter 25. I can't remember if I actually set an exact number for the number of chapters in this story, but if I did then ya'll should know I took out a chapter that was set to occur later in this story, leaving the current final count at 37 chapter. And if you managed to make sense of everything in this paragraph, then by golly you get a proverbial gold star._

_As always, thank ya'll so much for sticking with this story. I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate it. And also, thanks so much for all the reviews last chapter. I even got one on my birthday, which was lovely. So keep on with it, if you please, even though honestly have no idea when the next update will be._

_Til Next Time!_


	19. Just Say Yes

**Disclaimer: I do not own any part of the Harry Potter franchise. If I did, I'd be able to actually buy people presents for Christmas instead of knitting them ill-fitting socks every year.**_

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Why in the hell did she even take Ancient Runes to begin with?

Sirius thought as he stood dutifully across from the Great, closed Oak Doors. Lily had been absolutely on edge the night before with worry. She'd even been jittery and excitable during their Practical Charms examination that morning, despite it being her best subject. Sirius respected how dedicated his girlfriend was to being successful, but this really was taking it too far.

There it was again. That word. _Girlfriend_. It had been floating around in his head for several weeks now, and Sirius had finally come to the conclusion that he disliked it. Not that it was bad in the phonetic or semantic sense, but rather that he didn't like it in reference to Lily's relationship to him. After everything they'd been through together, after living together for over two months over the summer, after surviving an attack by bleeding _Voldemort_, _girlfriend_ seemed insufficient in defining the intensity of their relationship. In all actuality, it was really rather demeaning toward Lily, that word. He would have to do something about that.

Sirius' patience was wearing thin. He wasn't standing out the Great Hall out of the goodness of his heart. Well, not completely, at least. No, no, no. You see, the Written Ancient Runes examination was the final N.E.W.T. to be administered to the seventh years. As soon as she walked out those doors, Lily and Sirius would have officially completed their studies at Hogwarts, and, surprisingly enough, Sirius wasn't nearly as frightened by the prospect of having to go out and make his way in the world as he thought he would be. He knew what the future held for him; since that abominable night, James had been overcome with the resolve to become an Auror. To "catch the bastard," as he put it. And when he had petitioned Sirius to join him in that endeavor, frankly, Sirius couldn't think of a reason to say no. It wasn't as if he had seriously been considering a specific career path (he'd told McGonagall 'professional prankster' at his career advise session fifth year; she'd rolled her eyes and pointed at the door), and he liked the thought of doing something meaningful. Something that would make Lily proud.

Then, of course, there was Lily. Beautiful, perfect Lily. More so than anything else, Sirius knew with complete certainty that no matter what life outside of Hogwarts held, they would be together, always. It just needed to be made official. Yes, just as soon as Lily walked out of those doors their futures would begin.

Sirius' foot was tapping of its own accord as the minutes ticked by with the viscosity of chilled molasses. How long could it possibly take to figure out that the ruins meant, "Where's the library?" Come on. Then, at long last, the doors creaked open and there was that rose-petal hair he loved so much. And some assorted Ravenclaws, but they were unimportant.

She looked tired. Exhausted, even. Man, those ruins must be grueling. Her poor eyes were bloodshot and her hair was mused in the places were she had obviously run her fingers absentmindedly. But she was Lily, and she was perfect. She marched straight into his arms, not even bothering to meet his eyes. She groaned against his chest. "It's over."

Given the circumstances, Sirius desperately wished he could think of something more eloquent than, "Yeah," to say to mark the occasion. But he couldn't, so he just said, "Yeah." Still, in her sleep-deprived, post-exam state, Lily didn't seem to mind. She reached up on tiptoe to press a kiss against his collarbone. A thrill jolted through his stomach, setting his resolve firmly in place. It was now or never.

Sirius reached around himself to unclench Lily's hands from the back of his robes. Holding them both in one of his, Sirius attempted to pull her forward. But, poor, tired thing that she was, Lily kept her resistant feet firmly in place and stared up at him in the pitiful confusion of the worn down. "Where exactly are you planning to drag me off to?"

Sirius cracked a smile. "It's a surprise, love."

She shook her head adamantly. "Un-huh. No way. Unless this surprise is a sixteen-hour, uninterrupted nap, I don't want any part of it."

"It's not, and yes, you do."

"No, Sirius, I really don't."

"Yes, you do. No, you can start walking and come along willingly, or I can Stupefy you and you can wake up disoriented and ruin everything."

"Gee, that's romantic." But she relented anyway. She always did.

Now, I'm going to be a bitch and spoil the surprise for you. Ready? He takes her to the Astronomy Tower. Now, I tell you this prematurely because it is important that you appreciate exactly how far the two were walking. That's eight flights of stairs, people. Eight. And one might think that during this extensive period of time Sirius would begin to second-guess himself. Well, kind of.

Not _kind of_ in the sense of second-guessing what he was going to do at the top of the Astronomy Tower, but rather second-guessing the manner in which he should go about it. Lily was his everything. His sun, his moon, his stars. His black holes and wormholes and expanding universe. She made him want to be better than he was, to break free from his previous path of wasted potential and make something of himself, and for that he owed her everything. He owed her full disclosure on every part of his being, which inevitably translated into telling her the one secret he had ever kept from her. With the exception of the Remus-werewolf thing, but that had been something else entirely.

Lily broke him out of his inner guilt-trip as they rounded the fourth floor corridor. "Sirius, I swear if you make me walk the length of this castle I'll turn you into a painting and hang you next to Sir Cadogan."

She knew him too well. But Sirius just laughed and pulled her along. She grew more and more resistant with each flight of stairs, but when he finally came to a stop before the bottom of the stairs leading up to the top of the Astronomy Tower her mouth spread into a wide, luminescent grin. She squeezed his hand appreciatively before pulling him up the staircase.

It had been windy for June as it was, but being at the topmost point of the castle the breeze was especially heavy. Lily inhaled deeply and let go of Sirius' hand. She walked a few feet from him, threw her head back, and began to spin in slow circles. The wind played at the tendrils of her hair, lifting them up randomly and twirling them as it saw fit.

God, how he loved her.

Still spinning, she looked at him over her shoulder with those big, emerald eyes. "Babe, you're amazing."

His smile barely registered on his lips as the nerves kicked in. He clutched the little box in his pocket for courage. First thing first.

"Hey, Lil?"

"Uh-huh?"

"I wanna ask you something."

"Shoot."

He gulped. Why did she have to look so peaceful right now? "Well, see, the thing is I want to ask you something, but I have to tell you something first."

"Then tell me."

He shuffled his feet.

"Sir?"

He sighed. "Well, it's just that, after I tell you the thing I'm going to tell you, you might not be very receptive to what I want to ask you."

Lily stopped spinning and took a few steps toward him. "Sirius, you're scaring and confusing me, and you know I don't like being either. So please, baby, just say whatever it is you have to tell me before I get a headache."

"I…" He ran his hand over his mouth before meeting her eye. "Lily, you know I love you."

Her eyes widened. "That doesn't sound like the start of something pleasant, Sirius."

He closed the space between them and grasped her shoulders. "Bare with me, ok? You know I love you?"

She nodded.

He looked down at her tiny feet. "Good." His hands trailed down her arms, finally squeezing her fingertips before being jammed back inside his pockets. "I just wanted to remind you of that before I said anything else."

Lily's brow creased. She took his face gently in her hands. "Sirius, what the hell is going on with you?"

He sighed. "Ok. Ok." He looked back at her face. "Remember the first Quidditch match of this year? The one against Slytherin?"

She nodded. "You hit your brother in the head with a Bludger."

Sirius winced involuntarily but continued. "And I stayed with him in the Hospital Wing for hours."

Lily nodded again. Sirius gripped the small box in his pocket and willed himself to continue. "Do you remember how pissed off I was when I came back?"

Her head bobbed. "You were angry for a while…"

"I never told you why, did I?"

She looked up at him hard, her green eyes calculating. "I just assumed that he had said something to set you off."

"Well, he did, kind of. But it wasn't like the usual family shit."

Lily silently pleaded with him to explain, her lips turned down as she tried to make sense of him.

Sirius ran his spare hand through his shaggy hair. "Look, he showed me something on his arm, Lily. His left arm."

Lily tilted her head to the side, uncomprehending. Then her eyes widened into saucers as the realization hit her. "No." Her body stiffened and the color bled from her face. "Sirius, no."

"Yeah, Lily."

"No, I don't believe it."

"I saw it with my own eyes, Lily. Right there on his arm. The Mark."

Lily's hand flew to her mouth. "He's sixteen, Sirius."

Sirius gripped her shoulders again. "I know, Lily. I know. But Regulus told me that Voldemort isn't going to need him until after he's out of school."

"Then why would he even ―"

"Bellatrix set it up." Even in her horror, Lily's eyes narrowed in disgust. "Look, Lily, Regulus still has another year of school left, ok? He should be alright for now."

The hand left Lily's mouth and tangled itself in her already knotted hair. "Who else knows about this?"

"Besides you?"

"Yes."

"Nobody."

Her eyes crinkled in confusion. "What? Sirius, you've got to tell someone! Dumbledore―"

"No! No, Lily, listen to me."

"Sir―"

"Listen, Lil. Regulus is in school for another year, right? Well, that's a year before he's called into action, so to speak. So that's a year he'll be safe from Voldemort. If I go tell Dumbledore right now he'll have to expel Regulus and Reg'll go to Azkaban. I know my brother, Lily. He won't last a week with the Dementors. He's not strong enough."

Lily shook her head and blinked several times. "So what are you going to do? You can't very well just do nothing."

Sirius in turn shook his head. "I have to, Lil. For now, anyway. At the end of next year I'll tell Dumbledore everything and he can deal with Regulus then, but right now he's safe and I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize that. Look, I know I'm running a big risk here, but, damn it, he's my brother. He may be an ass, but he's still my little brother.

"And, you know, you can mad at me all you want, you can hate me even, but I've got to―"

"I don't hate you."

"―I can to he―wait, what?"

"I don't hate you, Sirius." Lily stepped forward and slipped her arms around his neck. Her body pressed against the length of his and one of her hands tangled in his hair. "I get it, honey. It sucks, but I get it. I'd probably do the same thing if it were my brother."

Sirius couldn't say a word. She didn't hate him. God be praised. He buried his face in the crook of her neck as she clung to him. Lily turned her head to press her face into his hair. "You're a good brother, Sir," she whispered. "He doesn't deserve you."

After a moment, Lily drew back so that only her hands rested against his chest, leaving him feeling oddly abandoned. "Sirius, I'm not mad at you for wanting to protect your brother, honest, I'm not, but…I just…Sirius, we've got to be adults now, and I don't think I can do it without you. So we can't keep things from each other, ok? We just can't."

Sirius pulled her hands from his chest and kissed them both. "This is the only things I've ever kept from you, and it's the only things I ever will. I promise. Except for, you know, the whole Remus thing."

She acquiesced to the last bit of Sirius' vow and smiled softly. "Ok." Then she tilted her head up and pressed her lips against his. "I love you," she breathed against his mouth as she pulled away. He grinned.

The box in his pocket shuffled, reminding Sirius of the more pressing reason he had brought her all the way up there. "Oh, right." He dropped her right hand to fish through the box in his pocket. "I'm going to ask you…hang on…got it!"

He triumphantly held up a gold ring.

Lily's eyes widened, but she said nothing. Her expression was unreadable. The wind began to pick up again, blowing her long hair every which way.

Sirius ran his thumb reassuringly over the knuckles of her left hand. "Lily…" He started to kneel down on one knee, but halfway to the stone floor Lily's free hand shot out to clutch his chin, stopping him. She looked down at him intently.

"Sirius, will you marry me?"

* * *

_Happy Christmas everybody! I know it's been a while, but over the last couple months my life has reached a whole new level of stressful and, unfortunately, I had to neglect my writing. But I thought I'd hunker down and give ya'll a little Christmas present. I hope you liked it. It's nice to finish off a chapter without being all doom and gloom for once._

_The chapter title is _Just Say Yes_ by Snow Patrol. And on the subject of chapter titles, a lot of people were hating on the last one. It wasn't a random thing, I swear. Remind me, and one of these day I'll explain why it fit lyrically._

_I checked my Story Stats before updating this, and this fic has gotten over ten thousand hits! Holy crap, people. Thanks a heap. And, if you've got the time, please click on that button at the bottom of the page and write me a little Christmas review. I'd really appreciate it. I'm interested in hearing what ya'll thought of the proposal. I've been going through it in my head for over a year now, and it was very cathartic to be able to finally get it down on paper._

_Also, in my note thingy at the bottom of the second chapter I mentioned that the idea of Lily and Sirius bonding over star gazing came from an old, abandoned fic that I've since lost track of. Since we returned to the Astronomy Tower in this chapter and there are about thirty times as many people following this story now than there were then, I thought I ask again if any knows of it so I can give credit where it is due._

_Again, Happy Christmas! Or, if you aren't of the Christian persuasion, Happy New Year!_

_Til Next Time!_


	20. Slide

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I would be important enough to somehow wrangle an invitation to the royal wedding and not have to get up at five in the morning to watch it.**

* * *

He stared up at her from his half-crouch, undulant horror spread across his face. His mouth hung slightly ajar, as though she had slapped him. His grip on her hand remained firm. Lily waited, expecting him to stay something. The seconds ticked by. She began to wonder if perhaps the shock had instigated an aneurysm. Best to check.

"Siriu―"

"I'm supposed to fucking say that!"

Lily recoiled minutely, her hand pulling very slightly away from his. "What?"

"I'm supposed to fucking say that!"

"Yes, Sirius, I gathered that."

His face, previously so pale, began to take an amateurishly Vernon-esque pink tint. "But, but I…then you…I…_what do you mean, 'Will you marry me?'_"

Lily smiled weakly. "Is that a yes?"

A low, roarish _Bah!_ escaped Sirius' throat. He was still bent awkwardly with his knees at the most peculiar angles, almost as though she'd kicked them in with her imprudentness. His fist was clenched around the ring; the other hand had released Lily's and was brushing away the hair he apparently found perpetually bothersome. "This is not what was supposed to happen, Lily. I was supposed to take you up here, and you were to think it was all very romantic, and I, _I_ was supposed to ask you."

The wind slapped Lily across the face with a tentacle of her own hair, as if God Himself concurred with Sirius' condemnation. "Well then, go on with it."

"No!" He shot upwards, causing her to lean back. "No, no, nope! It's ruined! You screwed it all up!"

He turned to the stairs. "Sirius!" Lily said, not sure whether she should believe his outrage or not. But he made as though to leave. "Sirius? Sirius, wait!" She latched her hand around his upper arm. Sirius turned to face her again, his face void of all emotions. A wave of regret washed over her.

"Sirius, I'm sorry. Really, I am. I shouldn't have stolen it from you like that. I just wanted to see if I could deviate from the norm."

Sirius' apathy morphed into mystification before her eyes. "What?"

Lily sighed. "I wanted to see if we could be nontraditional for once."

"Nontraditional? Lily, we snuck around for months. For crying out loud, we lived together."

"No, I mean…" She paused briefly, trying to find the words. "It's just that everything with us has been really clichéd, you know? I mean, for heaven's sake, we're doing this up in the tallest tower in the castle and everything."

"I like this tower. Don't hate on the tower, Lily; I put a lot of thought into this."

It was like he was trying to stick a knife in her heart. "No, darling, the tower's lovely. Really. It's just…I wanted to see if there's any other way this can go. And there isn't." She took his hand in both of hers. "Ask me again."

He didn't move. He just rolled the ring in his balled fist.

"Sirius, please, just ask me again."

Slowly, he rose is ring-encasing hand to rub across her cheekbone. His eyes bore into hers. "Do you know how long I've been thinking about this? How long I've been planning it, every detail? Years, it feels like." His thumb traced the bone under her left eye. "I had it all pictured in my head. The look in your eyes, the way your hair would fall around your face when you looked down at me. How the ring you look on your hand."

Lily felt the tears compile in the corner of her eye, threatening to dampen his fingers. "I'm sorry. Please ―" She couldn't say anything more for fear of her voice cracking.

Sirius pulled his hand from her face and rolled the ring around with his knuckles before pinching it between his thumb and forefinger. His stormy eyes held her green ones. Slowly, he bent his knee until it came to rest on the stone floor with a victorious _thump_. He shifted his hand so that it held both of hers. Though she knew exactly what was coming, Lily found she couldn't breathe.

Sirius held the ring up closer to her eyelevel. His wrist twitched slightly, his eyes never leaving hers. He spoke somewhere between a whisper and a croak. "Marry me?"

Lily's heart gave on great, excruciating thud against the wall of her chest. "Yes."

Then his ring was on her finger and his lips on hers before she even had the time to register what was happening. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her up ever so slightly so that she had to balance on her toes. With time, he pulled back to gauge her face. Lily rested her head against his chin, still on her toes. "Are you still angry with me?"

He blew her hair away from his mouth. "No. I love you."

She smiled into the curve of his neck. "I know. That's why I'm marrying you."

An ironic noise echoed from deep in his throat. "That's all it takes? You and James should have been married six years ago."

She pulled back slightly. "Oh, don't even." He kissed her.

"When do we do this?" she said, sliding her lips from his.

"Do what?" He reached for her again.

"This." She waved her left hand around for emphasis.

Sirius' hands trailed up her sides to cradle her neck. She could see the thoughts flash across his eyes. "Soon."

"How soon?"

The corners of his mouth curved up almost unrecognizably. "Soon," was all he said.

Then a forced cough from directly behind Sirius caused him to fling his hands from Lily and whip around while distancing himself from her. Lily, for her part, experienced a brief moment of déjà vu; it was almost as though she were a year and a half younger and Sirius was desperately trying to prevent James' hurt feelings. However, the flashback transitioned into an outburst of acute horror when she saw that the cough had come from Professor Dumbledore, whose eyes simply twinkled at them.

So far that day, Lily had taken an Ancient Runes N.E.W.T. and proposed and/or been proposed to, depending on how you looked at it. She was exhausted. Sirius could do the explaining.

Sirius' muscles had so tensed that they looked as though an electric current has been run through them. He obviously wasn't going to be saying anything any time soon. Dumbledore merely looked more and more amused.

"Oh, don't mind me," he said. Lily desperately wanted to respond but didn't think "er" constituted as an adequate reply.

Dumbledore beamed. "It is a wonderful thing, you know, to be so open to the embrace of love. Too often in these times, I think, we overlook such simplistic but all-important matters." He dipped his head to the couple. "It is heartening to know that such sentiment still reigns."

Lily didn't quite know how exactly the headmaster expected them to react to such a statement, so she said, "Thank you, professor." Sirius swiveled his neck to stare at her as though her hair had caught fire.

The professor smiled. "You're welcome." His face changed then; his mouth became harder, his eyes less bright. "Truth be told, I was looking for the two of you. I spoke to Misters Potter, Lupin, and Pettigrew this morning."

Sirius' jaw unclenched at that. "Is something wrong, sir?"

Dumbledore sighed. "Yes, Sirius, something is terribly wrong. You've seen for yourselves in the last year how powerful the other side is becoming. How ruthlessly and inhumanely they are perfecting their operation. He's become so strong; I fear this war, because it will be all out war before all is said and done, is only just beginning. So I have come to the two of you, and I am afraid I am going to ask something of you both that should never need to be asked."

Sirius slipped his hand into his fiancé's and squeezed her fingers. The pressure of the ring against her hand was strangely reassuring. Dumbledore removed his glasses, wiped them with the hem of his flowing sleeve, and placed them back on his crooked nose.

"Have either of you ever heard of the Order of the Phoenix?"

* * *

_Hot damn, I'm not dead yet! I realize that this is the longest I've ever gone between chapters, and I apologize for that, but unforeseen personal difficulties have arisen in the last few months that have kept me from the motivation to write. Or do anything emotionally satisfying, for that matter. Oh well. The important thing is that this chapter can now finally see the light of day. I consider this chapter to be the end of the first part of this story. You know, I briefly entertained the idea of ending it here and then starting a sequel. But then I remember how much I detest sequels and decided to keep it all together._

_The chapter title is _Slide_ by The Goo Goo Dolls. See, I told you they'd be back. Even if it did take fourteen chapters._

_Thanks so much for all the lovely review for the last chapter. And all the other chapters, really. They've been wonderful mood boosters._

_These next few weeks are going to be really stressful on my part, but I think I can plow through the next chapter by the end of May, though I make no promises. I think it's one you've all been looking forward to, but it won't happen in the way you're expecting. Does that make sense? Probably not, but I've gotten about six hours of sleep over the last two days, so I really can't harness the mental ability right now to make it make sense. How about I just say that the next chapter will be a good one._

_Til Next Time!_


	21. Wedding Dress

**Disclaimer: If I owned the rights to Harry Potter, I could actually publish this story and make billions, as opposed to posting it nonprofitly on the internet.**

* * *

Lily Black. Lily Evans Black. Lily Louise Black. Mrs. Black. James had repeated her new name a hundred times in every way imaginable, and still he could not make it sound right.

He was a fraud. Standing there in his dress robes, the false smile on his face, he was the biggest fraud to have ever walked the earth. Perhaps this is what Sirius had felt so many ages ago when he had secretly been seeing Lily. James had never given Sirius enough credit, not really. This was torture.

He had honestly thought he was over her. Of course, the feelings had never disappeared completely, but he had just chalked them up to some sort of residual effect born of habit. But then they had turned up engaged. Seeing the smile grace her perfect mouth, the glint of the ring in her emerald eyes whenever she (frequently) looked at it, unconsciously he had thought, _it should have been me_.

So here he was, best man at his best friend's wedding and in love with the bride. That Comic Muse Sirius had always joked about had apparently set her sights on him now. He was disgusting.

She was beautiful. The white of the dress made her hair look redder, if that was possible. When she walked she was floating. Every fiber of his being begged him to go to her, to hold her, to plead with her to be with him. But he couldn't. It wasn't his wedding.

Then there was Sirius. Quite frankly, James couldn't blame Lily for choosing him; he was the better man. For her, at least. And he didn't hate him, either. Not at all. Tonight of all nights, when that bark of a laugh escaped his lips so easily and frequently and Lily was gazing up at him as though her were her guardian angel come to take her salvation, how could anyone hate that man? Envy him, certainly, but never hate. They were too perfect to hate.

When had they all grown up?

The wedding had been small and quickly thrown together. For crying out loud, they got married in the living room of the house Sirius had purchased in Godric's Hollow in front of barely ten people. Augusta Longbottom would have had an embolism. And now here they all were, mealing about, occasionally grabbing a piece of cake from the kitchen.

James took a masterful gulp of his firewhiskey. It was going to be a long night.

Dumbledore was admiring the crochet blanket Lily had draped across the sofa. Remus was resting his head against the wall; the full moon had been two nights before. The Tonkses and Alice had congregated in the kitchen, while Frank was busy trying to restrict the amount of alcohol Marlene was consuming. And Peter had taken to alternatingly hovering behind people while eating cake.

They stood apart from everyone, near the window. She was flushed with elation. His face was creaseless, ready at any moment to split into the widest of grins. Her hands were on his chest, his at her waist. They murmured lowly back and forth, seemingly oblivious to the gathering around them.

So that was what it was to be man and wife. It looked even better than they said. James drained his glass, only to have another instantly appear in his other hand, as if by magic. He looked down to see little Alice standing to his left.

"You should say something," she said quietly.

Perhaps it was the alcohol pounding through his veins, but for the life of him James didn't understand. "What?"

Alice looked at him pointedly. "You're the best man. You should say something; make a speech."

James stared down at her. Speech? Of course. How could he have forgotten? Why couldn't Moony have been the best man? He was nothing if not well-spoken.

Alice eyed him suspiciously, has though she had been hearing the thoughts he'd been having through the wedding and since. Dear Merlin, please don't let him have been that obvious. Lily didn't need to deal with this, especially not at her wedding. Alice nudged him in the ribs. "Well?"

The hand holding the glass twitched. "Now?'

She shrugged. "Why not? Nothing else is really happening."

"Um…"

Alice brought her fingers to her lips and gave a loud, shrill whistle. The rest of the party snapped their head around to look at her. Damn, marriage had turned her feisty. He'd have to mention that to Frank later.

Everyone was staring at them expectantly. Alice turned pointedly to look up at James. "Er…" Remus lifted his head from the wall to get a better look at him. "Right, so, Alice has just told me that I'm the best man." Sirius' head jerked self-righteously while Lily's mouth opened incredulously. Git. "I mean, she's just reminded me that I need to make a speech, so, er, here goes."

He cleared his throat as they all stood there, judging him. He'd never hear the end of this. "I used to think Sirius would die alone."

From the door to the kitchen, Ted choked on his meade. His wife thumped him loudly on the back while glaring at James. Lily looked horrified. Git. Again. He wished now that he'd thought to get more firewhiskey.

"Well, no, I mean, not _alone_, alone. He'd always've had the Marauders. I mean, I just never thought he'd be doing this. And so soon. And with Lily." He paused. Best not to tempt it. "I don't know why none of us ever saw how good they'd be together. I don't know why they didn't until about two years ago. I suppose I'm partially to blame for that.

"Look, what I'm trying to say is, we all know things with the Blacks have been kind of rough." Ted's snort morphed into a cough as Andromeda raised her hand again. "And I guess I never really thought he'd get over leaving his family. But he has, and Lily's responsible for that." He swallowed. "I'm proud of you, mate. You've made a family for yourself. You and Lily." He raised his glass. "Congratulations."

The rest of the guests mimicked him. Remus looked remarkably relieved. Dumbledore tapped his unearthly long fingers together in faint applause. James heaved a sigh and proceeded to gulp down whatever it was in his glass until he felt a slight pressure on his left foot. He turned to look down once again at Alice, whose round face was turned in a quiet smile. She tilted her glass up toward him. "Thanks for not screwing that up."

James felt his brow crinkle. "You're welcome. Never make me do that again."

"Don't let anymore of your friends get married."

"Touché."

He turned, and there they were. His gut shouted for him to turn and walk away, to get as far from them as possible. He couldn't bear it, having her so close. Not when he was feeling…

Sirius leaned forward to grip his shoulders and pull him into a brotherly hug. Knowing he had to keep his cool, James patted him on the back. Sirius pulled back.

"Thank you, James. That really meant a lot."

Lily stepped forward to press her delicate lips against James' cheek. He struggled to contain his shudder; it was as though ice trickled from her lips to his blood, freezing it as it coursed painfully through his body. His soul crumbled. She stepped back with a bright smile, her arm immediately encircling her husband. _Husband_.

James swallowed thickly, his throat parched. "You're welcome. Both of you. It wasn't anything."

Lily's emerald eyes sparkled at him. "Of course it was, James." His stomach dropped when she said his name

Frank popped up behind Sirius then, camera in hand. Lily twisted her torso to look around her husband (there was that word again), searching for Marlene, who was giggling on the sofa beside Dumbledore. The headmaster was watching her with passive bemusement.

Frank shook the camera, reverting the bride's attention back to him. "I want to get a picture of you three before Marlene implodes and we have to take her home."

Lily smiled sympathetically. "Frank, you know she has trouble controlling herself at parties. It's just how she is."

Frank shrugged. "Yeah, well. Group up."

Lily detached herself from Sirius again as the groom tugged James forward to stand between them. He was painfully aware of his best friend's firm grasp on his shoulder. Lily's arm snaked casually around his waist as they posed. His heart fell to his shoes as heat spread through his body, infecting his flesh with the virus that was his feelings. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Frank looked up from behind the camera. "Jeez, James, you look like you're at their funeral."

Sirius gave a barking laugh as the camera flashed. As the colored spots danced before his eyes, James felt the Blacks extract themselves from him. When he could see again, they were wrapped around each other beside Frank and Alice, looking at each other with those eyes.

God, why couldn't he just die?

* * *

_So, yes. I posted again in less than two weeks. Shocking, isn't it? I'm sort of on a writing kick right now. For me, it's like being bipolar; I'll go through periods where I have this insatiable need to write, and then they'll be periods of time when I can't for the life of me make myself write anything down. Weird, huh? I hope my desperation to get this sucker down on paper didn't ruin it because, as you can now attest, this chapter was a doozy. The subplot with James will continue on for, I think, most of the story, but only one other chapter will not be Lily/Sirius oriented. And it may not be from James' perspective, either. I don't want to ruin it, because I don't think you'll see it coming._

_The title of this chapter is _Wedding Dress _by Matt Nathanson. I hope ya'll's hearts jumped a little bit when you saw it._

_Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for all the review for the last chapter. They were lovely. Really, you've all been absolutely wonderful to me. I don't know what I've done to deserve it._

_I've started the next chapter, and I'd like to have it up by the end of the month, but I make you no promises. Soon, though._

_Til Next Time!_


	22. Strange Girl

**Disclaimer: The only way I'd ever get my hands on the copyright to Harry Potter would be through some pretty hefty extortion, which is, of course, very illegal.**

* * *

Lily shivered against the gust of wind that swept through the alley. Winter was fast approaching. She'd have to put heating spells up around the house. And soup. She would have to make soup much more often.

Admittedly, she did not want to be doing this. Sirius had been working thirty-six hour shifts the last few weeks, so any time they had together was precious. He assured her that this was Mad-Eye's way of rooting out, in his words, "weaklings," and she hoped he was right. As proud as she was of her husband's Auror training, she couldn't live like this forever. Overseeing communications for the Order day in and day out was interesting to say the least, but it didn't diminish her constant need to know that Sirius was alright. If anything, it heightened it.

Bloody James. It was his idea to get together in the first place. He was on the same schedule as Sirius; surely he would be just as exhausted. Bother him.

She sighed and ran her thumb over her wedding ring. Sirius would probably get cranky before the night was through. She should have just insisted that they stay in and have the roast she had been half-way through preparing. James and Sirius saw each other all day; didn't they ever run out of things to talk about? And Remus. What would poor Remus eat? Bless his heart, he couldn't find work what with his condition, so Lily had been sending him their leftovers. Honestly, he'd eat nothing but cocoa and chocolate frogs if left to his own devices.

Dumb boys, putting a kink in everything.

Lily ran a hand through her hair and wished she had gone ahead to the Leaky Cauldron. But no, Sirius had insisted that she wait at the "Apparation spot" behind their old flat. Something about not wanting her to be seen out alone within the Wizarding community. Merlin, if she heard "Constant Vigilance!" one more time….

She was quite proud of herself when she didn't flinch at the echoic _pop_ that signaled Sirius' arrival. Rather, she pushed herself away from the brick wall she'd been leaning against and wound her arms around her husband's neck. He smelled of exhaustion and, oddly enough, gunmetal. She wouldn't ask.

Sirius' head drooped to her shoulder. He breathed in deeply. "Merlin, Lily, it feels like I haven't seen you in a week."

She pressed her lips against his chin. "How much longer did you say this was going to last?"

He sighed from the innermost part of his being. "I don't know. Mad-Eye's absolutely mad, but he can't kill us because the Order'll be down members."

Reflexively, Lily pulled back and pressed a finger to his lips at the mention of the Order. She gave him a warning look; he retaliated by pulling her head forward for a kiss. When he let her breathe again she tried vainly to smooth his crumbled collar. "We could always go home, you know. You're dead on your feet. I'm sure James would understand."

Sirius smiled wistfully. "Nah, he's really excited about this. It's good to see him up about something. You know he's been off since we left school."

They were walking now, exiting the alley and making their way down the darkened sidewalk. Everything seemed shrouded in shadows. Lily pulled her scarf tighter around her neck. After a block, Sirius spoke again. "Anything interesting come through today?"

She swatted him in the stomach. "You know we're not supposed to talk about that out in the open."

He chuckled softly and swept back some of the hair that had blown into his eyes. When had it gotten so long? He dropped his voice. "But seriously, has anything?"

She gave an exasperated huff, but lowered her own voice nonetheless. "No. Everyone's been quiet."

He pulled her closer as a thoughtful expression emerged on his face. "I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing."

"Isn't that how everything is these days?"

They were at the door of the Leaky Cauldron now, the wonderfully windproof Leaky Cauldron. Sirius held the door open for his wife, who was rubbing her hands together fervently to counteract the chill of the night. Tom, the kindly, middle-aged bartender, looked up when they entered and flashed them his signature grin. "What can I do for you two?"

Sirius stepped up to the bar as Lily unwound her scarf. "Has James Potter arrived yet?"

Tom answered negative, so the Blacks made their way to a table in the corner, just far enough from the fire to go unnoticed. Sirius rested his head against the wall, drowsy again. Lily warmed his hands in hers.

He spoke again abruptly. "I hope everything's alright."

"With what?"

"James," he yawned.

Lily ran her thumb along his ring finger, brushing against his wedding band. "I'm sure he'll be here soon, Sirius. He's probably tired, too."

Sirius shook his head. "No, it's not that, Lil. I meant in general. He's been acting oddly for the last month or so, like he's hiding something."

Lily gazed at him contemplatively. "I'm sure he's fine, honey. James' always been very resilient."

"What's that about me?"

Their heads both snapped up to see a buoyant James, though the same exhausted lines were carved into his face as on Sirius'. Lily and Sirius stood, each giving him a hug. He gestured to his right. "Mates, this is Vanessa."

They looked at her, and then found that they couldn't look away. Lily's blood chilled. The hair was a little to brown, the eyes a little too pale, and the skin a little too tan, but apart from that she could have been Lily. Same mouth, same nose, same almond shape to the eyes. Good Lord, they were event the same height. It was unnerving, to say the least. Lily didn't want to be rude, but she just couldn't take her eyes off the woman. Sirius' mouth hung open.

Vanessa smiled shyly at them and held out her hand. Merlin, she even had Lily's fingers. "It's so nice to meet you both. James has told me so much about you."

"He has, has he?" Lily choked out. Sirius' mouth still gaped. Lily nudged him with her foot, and it snapped shut. Then she realized that the woman's hand was still outstretched. She shook it briefly. "It's nice to meet you, too. I'm Lily Black; this is my husband, Sirius."

Sirius made a stiff movement with his hand and said, "Hello," rather quickly before rounding on his best friend. "James, I need to speak with you. Over there."

James smiled politically. "Can't it wait Padfoot? We've just got here."

"No. Now," he growled, taking James by the arm. Lily and Vanessa watched as Sirius marched him to the bar, and then turned the corner into another room, out of sight. The two women stood there uncomfortably.

"What do you suppose that's about," Vanessa asked quietly.

Lily shook her head. "It's probably nothing. Work." And for once, she hoped she was right.

An awkward beat passed before Lily realized they were still standing. She gestured for Vanessa to take Sirius' vacant seat. Unfortunately, being seated failed to relieve the strangeness of the situation; Vanessa still appeared unsure of what to say, and Lily still couldn't get over the uncanny similarities in their appearances. Finally, Lily couldn't take the deafening silence any longer and leaned forward. "I'm sorry if my husband and I have been rude, but we just weren't expecting you is all."

Vanessa gave her a delicate smile. "Because you didn't know about me."

Lily leaned back. "No. No, we didn't."

"Oh." She didn't make any attempt to elaborate, leaving Lily to choose the next topic of discussion. However, knowing that, "I'm sorry, but who the hell _are_ you?" wouldn't diffuse the supreme discomfiture of the situation, she was at a loss. After a few month-long minutes, Vanessa spoke again. "Perhaps we should get to know each other better?"

Lily had to force herself not to slump in relief. "That would be lovely, yes. Um, what do you do?"

"I'm a paralegal." Great. Super. "And you?"

"Oh, I'm not exactly working right now." It was the truth; manning communications for the Order didn't technically count as employment. She turned her head to scan the room. Where in Merlin's name were the men?

"Oh," Vanessa whispered again. "And your husband works with James."

Lily turned back again slowly. "Yes." She paused, not sure what can of flobberworms she was about to open. "How, um, how much, exactly, do you know about what Sirius and James do?"

She smiled diminutively, serenely. "Just what James' told me. He says it's kind of like the police for your…I'm sorry, I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to call you. I mean, I don't want to offend anyone."

Lily could feel the blood pounding in her skull. She knew. How much did she know? Dear God Almighty, what was James thinking? Vanessa was staring at her. She coughed. "I'm, er, I'm sure whatever James has told you is fine." She hoped her reassuring smile wasn't actually a grimace.

Through the wall, a series of raised voices sounded, followed by a loud _thud_. Lily closed her eyes and took a deep breath before looking back at Vanessa, who was biting her lip tentatively. "So, what else has James told you about us?"

"Lily, we need to leave. Now."

She had almost jumped when Sirius gripped the back of her chair. She looked up at him, and, seeing the expression on his face, decided now wasn't the time to ask. So, gathering up her scarf, she stood as he pulled the chair out from behind her. "It was nice to meet you, Vanessa."

Sirius nodded curtly at the other woman, who looked vaguely bewildered, and wrapped a protective arm around Lily's waist as he led her hurriedly out the door. Lily flinched as the wind slapped her face.

They didn't speak as they tromped down the sidewalks of London. Sirius' ire radiated from his body as heat. Lily knew her husband, and when he was this angry he needed to be the one to talk first. They passed their old apartment building and kept going; still, they were silent. They walked and walked and walked. Lily stopped counting after six blocks as the wind chill was beginning to numb her brain.

At long last, ages and ages from the Leaky Cauldron, Sirius came to a stop under the streetlamp. Lily twisted out of his arm so that she could face him. He rammed his hands into his coat pockets and looked up, searching the night sky for something not evident to his wife. Answers, maybe. Lily waited.

"He promised me he was over this," the words rushed out as the levy of his anger burst.

"Over what?" Lily asked diffidently.

"You."

The single word reverberated through the night air, polluting it with the smog of its reality. Lily didn't quite know what to say. The sight of him standing there, looking oh so uncertain as the light of the lamp lit a halo around his dark head very nearly broke her heart. She wanted to reassure him that she would never choose James, but she didn't know what she could say that she hadn't already. She reached her hand toward his. "Sirius—"

"You saw her, Lily." He was shaking he was so infuriated. "Don't tell me you didn't see it."

"I _know_, Sir. I know."

He wiped his hand across his face. "He swore to me, Lil, he _swore_ he'd gotten over you. And now this, I…"

She ran her tongue along her lips carefully. "Is it really so different from what we did to him in sixth year?"

"Yes," he spat. "When we got together you didn't even particularly like him. You're my wife now, Lily. It's entirely different."

He was breathing heavily. She stepped closer and wrapped her thin fingers around his wrist. "Yes, I am your wife. And don't you dare forget that."

Sirius let out a shaky breath. The way he was looking at her, it was as though he was afraid that if he focused on her properly she would vanish into thin air. She hated it. Slowly, he nudged his hand up through hers to twine their fingers together. When he did speak, his voice rasped. "What's she like?"

Lily sighed and pushed her hair over her shoulder. "She's…quiet, I suppose. Very careful with her words, like she's afraid to upset someone."

Sirius nodded, his brow furrowed, his face pensive. Lily found herself in desperate need of answers. "How did this happen, Sirius? When?"

"I don't know how they met, and, quite frankly, I don't think James'll be telling me any time soon, but it was over a month ago." His shoulders hunched and he shuffled hesitantly. "He's living with her, Lily."

She puffed her cheeks and blew out a monstrous amount of air. Of all the things she had heard tonight, that took the cake. "Seriously?" He nodded solemnly. "Jeez, Sirius. It took us six months to say 'I love you,' and even then I thought we were moving awfully fast. And they've been together a month?" She shook her head. "Is he in love with her?"

"He's…" Sirius opened and shut his mouth several times, searching for the right word. "…manic, almost. I've never seen him like this, not even with you." He winched.

She squeezed his hand, and then took a deep breath. "Sirius, she knows about us."

"What about us?"

"She knows what we are."

He swore quietly and pressed his free hand against his eyes. "I can't believe he's done this. I can't _believe_ he's done this. Does she know anything about our, er," he looked up and down the street, "political situation?"

Lily shook her head again. "I don't know, sorry. But she knows about James and your training, so I don't think it's too much of a stretch to assume that she does."

Sirius uttered a frustrated groan. "Great. Just really, really great. I can't believe this." He took a step forward, bringing his face close to his wife's. "Do you think it's possible that she could have been sent to spy on the Order?"

"I—" she faltered. Hundreds of devastating possibilities passed like bullets through her mind. Was it possible? Could James really be taken in like that? Sirius turned from her, pressing his hand to the back of his head and staring out into the darkened street.

Lily cocked her head to the side. "You said you've never seen him like this before." The back of Sirius' head nodded. "Well, what if he really is falling in love with her?"

Sirius sighed and turned around. "That's just it, isn't it? Does he really like her, or is he just replacing you?"

She couldn't respond.

"And, no matter what, this is unfair to her. She's a sitting duck, Lily."

"Well, maybe that's why he's living with her."

Sirius groaned and put his hands over his face. "I don't know. I can't think about this."

Lily closed the gap between them, wrapping her arms around his rib cage. She laid her head against his collarbone. "You're exhausted." He held her tighter. "Let's just ok home, ok? I was making dinner when you Flooed; we can eat that."

"You put it in the regurgitator?"

"Refrigerator, dear."

"Right."

She pulled out of the embrace and took his hand in hers. "C'mon." But he said, "Wait." He put his other hand against her stomach and pushed her back until her shoulder blade made contact with the lamppost. He rested his other hand against the curve of her neck and leaned down to kiss her.

How long they stayed there Lily didn't know, but when Sirius finally pulled away she felt so lovely warm that she thought she might melt.

"I love you," he breathed.

"I know." He smiled. "I'll always know that." She leaned up to press one more quick kiss to his lips, then linked her arm through his. He eased them off the lamppost, and they proceeded back down the gloomy street.

* * *

_I've discovered that it's much easier to meet deadlines when you make them very vague, so please excuse me while I pat myself on the back. Now that that's over with, I really hope everyone enjoyed this chapter, because this is step one (two?) of the subplot for James that I mentioned last chapter. That being said, we won't be seeing Vanessa again for a while because Sirius and Lily are about to get hit with some very heavy stuff. And I may or may not mean that in the literal sense._

_The chapter title is _Strange Girl _by The Airborne Toxic Event, which incidentally just popped up on my shuffle. Oh, the irony. Don't be surprised if this band shows up again, as I am currently engaged in a rather passionate love affair with their new album._

_As always, thank you all so, so much for the reviews. I really do appreciate them, especially during this time of year when my brain is on fire. Only one more and we'll have hit one-hundred! And I keep forgetting to mention this, but, if you've been paying attention, you'll see that this fic has passed twenty chapters. I'm rather shocked, even though I knew it was going to happen. I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank all of ya'll for sticking with me for the better part of two years as I've fumbled my way through this. Thank you, really._

_And here comes the good part. I've finished the next chapter already, and the world hasn't gone mad. Unfortunately, the next week and a bit are going to be rather hectic for me, so it'll take some time for me to get it up. Let's all shoot for June 7, the 8th at the latest._

_Til Then!_


	23. Capri

**Disclaimer: No. Whatever it is, the answer is no. Plain and simple.**

* * *

Lily drummed her fingers on the hard wooden top of her kitchen table and glanced at the clock above the radiator. "About three," Sirius had said when she had pressed for the time he would arrive home. "Maybe. Don't wait up." So, of course, here she was waiting up, her wand stirring a bowl of beef stew absentmindedly.

Who could blame her, really? She'd only been seeing her husband forty hours a week for the last several months, and most of that time together had been spent sleeping. Sirius had missed Christmas and New Year's. They'd been lucky he was able to see her on her birthday, and even then it had just been for the better part of two hours. The whole point of their getting married had been to spend their lives together, but lately they had practically been living apart. Lily was going slightly mad.

But that would all be over after tonight. Tonight, Sirius, and James as well, she supposed, would be finishing the most rigorous portion of their Auror training. Sirius had assured her that his hours would be much more reasonable now, but having now had the opportunity to observe Mad-Eye Moody at Order meetings, Lily wouldn't put it past his superior to spontaneously order a weeks-long stakeout in Budapest if he thought so much as a glimmer of Death Eater activity was to be had. Lily shook her head. Ridiculous.

Her thoughts briefly turned to Vanessa. Was she sitting up at her kitchen table at this moment in wherever it was she was living, waiting for James with dinner at the ready? Poor thing, she probably had to reheat the food every half hour. Microwaves: Lily didn't trust them.

She shook her head again. She hadn't seen head or tail of James' girlfriend since that ill-fated soiree at the Leaky Cauldron. It was just as well, she supposed. Sirius hadn't really spoken much on the matter since that night and, to be perfectly honest, Lily was glad she didn't have to interact with the woman. What was she to say? "Please don't be a spy?" Or maybe, "If anyone finds out about you a cult will probably try to murder you?" Or, better yet, "Did you know that the man you're living with was in love with me for six years and, by the looks of it, still is?" No, it wasn't done.

Her fingers beat louder and louder, penetrating her mind and invading her thoughts. Thinking about those things did nothing but agitate her, and she was hyped up enough as it was. Anymore would probably be too much. She looked at the clock again. Half past. Where was he?

As it did every night at this hour, Lily's mind began to wonder. Emergency Death Eater attack in Newcastle; he was fighting for his life, hooded figures circling him homicidally. Werewolf attack in South London; he was bleeding to death in an alley, rats gnawing at his exposed flesh. He'd been captured; he'd been tortured; he'd been murdered.

She took in deep gulps of air and pressed her head to the table. Why? Why had she encouraged him to become an Auror? At the time it had seemed the perfect way to compliment their involvement with the Order of the Phoenix. But now it seemed so incredibly dangerous, so idiotically cavalier. It'd get him killed, and she'd have to throw herself out a window or something.

But that wasn't an option anymore.

The door rattled; Lily looked up, her wand raised unconsciously. It shook again, and a key scrapped against the lock. There was a creak as the door opened, and there was her husband. Lily beamed and set down her wand.

Sirius shook out his hair, his face lined and exhausted. He quickly shut the door behind him and did up the elaborate series of locks he had insisted on installing. He turned, and when he saw his wife his expression softened.

"I told you not to wait up."

She smiled wider and brushed her hair out of her eyes. "I know. But I did anyway." She nudged the stew toward his vacant seat. "Eat."

Sirius hung up his coat and all but collapsed into his chair. With one hand he proceeded to wolf down the stew; the other fit into Lily's. She surveyed him critically; his hair was completely disheveled and the skin on his face was grayish and waxen from lack of sleep. "Rough night?"

He shook his head and swallowed a mouthful of stew. "No, tonight wasn't bad. Last night, though, last night was bad."

"So I heard," she said, frowning.

"Most everyone's alright, though," he added quickly. "A few'll be in St. Mungo's for a while, but that's to be expected. Moody says thank you for letting us know so quickly." He swallowed another spoonful of stew. "I say thank you, too."

She gave him a little smile. "What about you, though? Are you alright?"

He nodded. "I'm fine. My knee got a little banged up, but it wasn't anything major. You should have heard Mad-Eye going on about peg legs."

Her smile weakened slowly. Sirius looked up and stared at her for a moment before setting down his spoon. He placed his hand over the one already holding hers. "Hey." His eyes were a swirling mass of clouds. "Things are going to be much better from here on out, ok? With the training letting up you're going to be seeing a whole lot more of me. Think about it, Lil; we'll get to start doing normal stuff. I'll actually get to be there when you wake up in the morning. I can really start working on that bike I bought."

"There's nothing normal about a flying motorcycle, babe."

He rolled his eyes and carried on as though he hadn't heard her. "I won't be so damn tired anymore that I'd be completely useless in a fight." She gripped his hand compulsively. "Everything's going to work out just fine, love." He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it, then resuming eating his stew. "This is really good, by the way."

Lily eyed him over, apprehensive. Now was as good a time as ever, she supposed. "Sirius?"

"Mmhmm?"

"I need to tell you something."

"Don't tell me Peter's got ward duty this week."

"No, it's not that."

"Well, then, what is it?"

"I'm pregnant."

The spoon dropped into the bowl with a clatter. If the moment hadn't been so monumental, Lily might have laughed at the look on Sirius' face, which had paled considerably. Then, much like at the beginning of last summer, she began to wonder if he hadn't gotten himself stuck. "Breathe, dear."

He released a wheezy breath and gripped the end of the table. "Pregnant?" he rasped.

She nodded. "Yep."

He leaned back in his chair, his eyes flickering rapidly back and forth as his mind processed their new situation. Lily picked up the wand she had set down and cleaned up the stew that had slouched onto the table. Suddenly, Sirius leaned toward her and seized the table again. "Really."

She couldn't help her little laugh. "Yes, really."

"You're sure?"

"Pretty darn."

His hand rose to the back of his neck. "Wha― I mean, how? I―"

"How? Seriously?"

"Well, no, not _how_, just…" His gaze suddenly became frightfully determined. In a flash, he was on his feet and rushing around the table. Lily turned to face him, and he cupped her head in the palms of his hands. He bent down and buried his lips in her hair, then pressed them against her brow, and then against her nose, and so on down her torso until his head rested in her lap. She wove her fingers through his dark, tangled locks, brushing them away so that she could see his eyes.

"Sirius, do you think we can do this?"

He adjusted his head to look up at her. "I don't know, Lily. Probably."

She sighed deeply. "This isn't the best time for us to be doing this, is it?"

Sirius smiled weakly. "Not really." He sat up so that he was kneeling before her. "Lily, this is good. This is really, really good, ok? We're going to have a family. Not just you and me anymore, but a real family. We're going to be fine."

Lily breathed in heavily, willing the tears behind her eyes to stay in place. "I'm scared, Sirius."

He took her hands again and tucked them under his chin. "Me too, Lil. But better people than us have done it."

"No, I'm not concerned about our ability to be good parents. I know we can do that well." He kissed her fingertips. "I'm worried about the war. You know what Dumbledore says: it's going to get much worse before it can get better. How are we going to raise a child in all this? How can we keep him safe?"

Sirius' expression was unreadable, though in that moment Lily would have given damn near anything to know what he was feeling. His voice was thick when he spoke. "Again, Lily, I don't know. I hate this, not having answers. It makes me feel like I can't take care of you." She squeezed his hands. "Look, we've done all we can to stay safe. Dumbledore's given you the Order equivalent of a desk job, so unless we're attacked directly you'll be as safe as possible. And with the wards, you'd have time to get out even in that."

"What about you?" she asked, her voice wavering as she tried to control the beads of tears in the corners of her treacherous eyes. "I can't do this without you, Sirius. I know that much."

His soul shuddered out from his lungs. "I want to promise you I'll be alright, love. I want to promise you everything on this earth, but I can't. I can't, and it makes me feel so fucking incompetent. But I can promise you this, Lily, I promise you: I'll do everything in my power to make sure I always come back to you. Always."

"That doesn't make me feel much better, Sirius."

"We knew what we were getting into when we started this."

"Yes, but we weren't parents then, were we?"

Sirius made a strangled noise and closed his mouth, staring up at her from the floor. Gently, he eased forward to wrap his arms around her waist so that his head was resting against her abdomen.

"It'll all be ok, Lily Lou. I swear we'll be fine. All three of us. That's all I can do at this point."

She couldn't speak, so she wrapped one arm around his shoulders and pressed the other hand against the back of his head. She breathed in deeply. "Tell me you're happy. Please, just tell me you're happy."

He pulled back and snaked his arms up her body until his hands cradled her face. A warm smile spread across his own visage. "I'm happy. Lily, I'm so, so happy."

A giggle escaped her lips. "I'm happy, too."

He laughed as well, awestruck. "You're gonna be a mum, Lil."

She laughed a little louder. "I know." Then, she leaned down, uncomfortably due to their position, and kissed her husband full on the mouth. One of his hands traveled down to hold her in place by the back of the neck. Pulling away, she grinned and pressed her brow to his.

"Sirius, you're going to be a dad," she said as the finally rolled down her cheeks.

* * *

_As it turns out, you get a wonderful feeling from accomplishing something you said you were going to do. Even if you have to stay up into the wee hours of the morning to do it. Oh, well. I hope ya'll liked this; I kind of hammered it out without really thinking too much about it. The content was in my head for about two years, so it all just kind of poured out. I hope it flowed well on paper. Or screen, I suppose, as this is the internet. I forgot to mention this last time (I'm getting really bad about that), but the next several chapters are going to be centered around Lily. With the pregnancy and all, I can only really write the next section from a woman's perspective._

_The chapter title is _Capri _by Colbie Callait._

_A quick question I hope someone will be able to answer: Who exactly is Sirius Black II? He's listed in the character options for Harry Potter fics, but I still have figured out who he's supposed to be; he's shown up since I tagged this story, though granted that was nearly two years ago. Do they mean regular Sirius? One of his relative? I think I'd remember if he had a son. This is really bugging me, so if someone knows I'd be really grateful if they'd speak up._

_Speaking of which, thanks so much for all the lovely reviews; they're passed one-hundred now, which is just utterly mind-boggling and awesome. I'm glad ya'll are so accepting of Vanessa; I was so worried everyone would hate her and curse me out. But you didn't, so thank you again. Please don't hesitate to review for this chapter, either. I've got a feeling everybody will have a lot to say regarding the new developments._

_Surprise! I've got the next chapter finished already, and I'm a page and a bit into the chapter after that, which is the one I've been hinting at forever. You know, the one where all the shit hits the fan. It was originally supposed to be this chapter, but I added stuff in as I was writing and it got moved back a bit. Anyway, Chapter 24 should up the weekend after next. I'm not going to promise to write oodles and oodles this summer, because we all know how well that worked out last year (I'm grimacing on the other end of the screen), so I'll just say that I'm going to try my best._

_Til Next Weekend!_


	24. Sex On Fire

**Disclaimer: If I were to own the rights to Harry Potter, I could afford to put an air conditioning unit in my place of business. Probably.**

* * *

Sirius' knee nudged hers sharply, jolting her from her daze. Lily rubbed her eyes understatedly. What was Dumbledore saying? Damn, it must be important.

"―information that could only come directly from the source―"

She'd been doing this a lot lately―spacing out in the middle of things and becoming completely unaware of what was going on around her. And for someone in her position that was extremely dangerous. All it took was one instance of lapsed awareness to miss a vital piece of information that could potentially determine whether one lived or died, especially given that convenient little fact that there was a war on.

She blamed her inability to focus on her pregnancy, as she was privately attributing most atypical incidences in her life these days. Well, that and the fact that she was a member of an underground vigilante counterterrorism organization.

Of course, thinking about her pregnancy drew Lily right back into her habitual inattentiveness. With everything going on and the precariousness of their situation, Lily and Sirius had yet to share the good news with anyone, a decision that was to be rectified by the end of the meeting. However, for some reason Lily couldn't make herself feel excited at this prospect, only nervousness and a sense of dread.

She knew she should feel utterly jubilant to be informing her friends and family that she was going to be a mother, but the reality of it was that she felt guilty for depraving her unborn child of the cloak of security secrecy was providing them. With the political situation deteriorating by the week, sometimes simply the act of knowing something could mean the difference between life and death. Given Voldemort's love of slaughtering families, the knowledge that she was expecting a baby as well as being a member of the Order of the Phoenix and married to a blood traitor would only make him gunning for her.

Lily jumped ever so slightly when her husband's breath struck her inner ear. "You're going to want to listen to this."

From across the magically-extended table, James shot them a curious glance before reverting his gaze back to Dumbledore. Ah, yes. He was talking.

"―only conclusion at this time would be that a Ministry official is leaking information directly to the other side."

A thick silence descended over the Order like a heavy woolen blanket. Then, as was wont to happen, everyone began talking at once.

"Absolute outrage! Complete disregard of human―"

"―interrogation as quickly as―"

"Constant vigilance!"

"―attention of Bagnold immediately. She―"

Dumbledore held up his hands for quiet and waited patiently as the Order members lowered their voices and, in some cases, righted their chairs. When all eyes had returned to him, he lowered his hands and folded them on the wooden tabletop.

"At this time, I feel it would be in the best interests of both ourselves and the general public to keep this information quiet. I have informed the Minister of my conclusions, and she has agreed to allow the Order to handle investigations internally. If the Ministry at large were to be made aware, Barty Crouch would undoubtedly incite, forgive me, a witch-hunt, which would only serve to alert true spies to our knowledge of their operations and give them the opportunity to flee. For now, we must behave as though we are entirely unaware.

"Edgar, I would like investigations to be conducted through your office. The best way to keep something from Barty is to leave it right under his nose. Benjy, he will need your assistance. Alastor, I'm sorry, but involving the Auror office would mean increasing their presence within the Ministry, which would, of course, raise suspicion. You have my apologies; I know how much you enjoy search and destroy assignments."

Moody nodded curtly. "'Course, Dumbledore," he said gruffly.

Edgar Bones stood from his place at the end of the table. "I won't let you down, sir." Benjy Fenwick voiced his agreement.

Dumbledore's eyes sparkled spectacularly. "Thank you Edgar, Benjy. And with that, I believe this meeting has come to a close. If anyone else has any other information they feel the need to bring to my attention, I am all ears, as they say. If not, please, stay safe and keep your loved ones close.

The room became alive with the sound of friendly voices and scrapping chairs. Most of the Order congregated at the opposite end of the table around Edgar, but Lily and Sirius remained seated near their former headmaster.

Sirius laced his fingers through Lily's under the table. She looked up at him; his eyes were bright with that fierce determination that always sent an electric jolt through her stomach. He pressed their joined hands against her abdomen and wiggled his eyes at Dumbledore; Lily fought the urge to giggle. She took in a deep, dramatic breath, causing a smile to play at his lips. He rested an arm on the table and leaned around her to look directly at Dumbledore. "Actually, sir―"

"I've just gotten engaged!" All eyes at their end of the table snapped towards James, who was grinning cheekily. "Sir," he added as an afterthought.

Lily was so shocked she couldn't see properly. Four months, they'd been together? Five? What the bloody hell were they thinking? She felt Sirius become rigid beside her, his body suddenly all angles. Lily winced internally for fear of what he might do next; Sirius hadn't made a point of hiding the fact that he distrusted James' relationship with Vanessa, and this new development could be the straw that broke the hippogriff's back. But to her relief, he did nothing but clamp his hand in hers and sit in immobilizing shock, as, apparently, was the rest of the group their end of the table. The busier end carried on obliviously.

James looked around in confused expectancy. Dumbledore, authoritarian figure that he was, spoke first, folding and unfolding his unusually long fingers as he did. "Good, James. This is good news." James beamed.

The tension decreased somewhat, Remus, sitting next to James, clapped him on the shoulder. "I'm happy for you, Prongs." Wormtail shook his hand.

"Good for you," Marlene piped up.

In an instant, all eyes turned in anticipation to Sirius. Lily didn't want to observe his internal debate as well, but the alternative was looking at James, who seemed to be balancing precariously on the point between joy and anger. Her hand was going numb in Sirius' vice grip.

The brief pause he took before speaking felt an eon long. However, when he did speak he was surprisingly calm, if not abnormally quiet. "I'm glad you're happy James. I am." Lily nodded her agreement in unreserved relief.

That seemed good enough for James, who grinned so widely it almost constituted indecent exposure. "Thank you," he gushed before turning back to the headmaster. "I was wondering if it would be possible to put up wards at her sister's house, sir. Seeing as they're Muggles and all."

Dumbledore nodded his affirmation, still pressing his fingers together and not. "I think that would be perfectly acceptable, James. Yes, that should be done immediately. Who has ward duty this week? You, Ms. McKinnon?"

"No, sir, that was this week."

"It's me, Dumbledore," Dorcas Meadows spoke up.

Dumbledore nodded again. "Yes, Dorcas, please set up standard warding at Mr. Potter's sister-in-law-to-be's premises when you begin rounds this week. Take one of the Prewetts with you if you think you will need assistance."

"Well, actually, Dumbledore," she drawled, "I was wondering if someone could cover for me this week. Me sister's come down with the spattergroit and I thought I'd go on up to Lancashire to help her out a bit."

"Of course, Dorcas. Please express my sympathies to Doreen, won't you? Let me see…Remus, do you think you could manage?"

"I don't think so, sir; it was hard enough getting away for this."

"Very well, very well. Mr. Pettigrew?"

There was a collective groan.

"Alright then," he backtracked, "would you be up for another week of duty, Ms. McKinnon?"

She nodded. "Of course, sir. But I'll definitely need Fabian or someone to help me out with setting up the wards."

"Well, I'm sure he won't mi―"

"I'm pregnant."

She hadn't realized she'd said it aloud until their cluster fell silent once more and turned to stare at her with wide eyes. Well, damn. That could have gone more smoothly. But in her defense, she simply didn't think she could hold it in any longer. The anticipation had been damning. Oh, well. Best to rip the bandage off quickly. Her numb hand in Sirius' grasp was beginning to throb violently.

They weren't saying anything. More time had passed than in the stony silence following James' announcement, and still no one made any move to speak. Had Edgar and Frank Longbottom not been debating investigation strategy at the end of the table with Mad-Eye providing brash commentary, it would have been deafening. Surely, someone had something to say. Anyone.

The eyes suddenly shifted en masse to Sirius, almost as though demanding an explanation. He finally released Lily's aching hand to wrap his arm around her waist. Bless him, he tried his best. "We're having a baby."

Still, they said nothing. Lily repressed the urge to fidget in her seat out of sheer discomfort. Finally, thank Merlin, Dumbledore leaned over to pat her on the shoulder. "I'm very happy for the both of you; this is excellent news. Excellent news. My congratulations to you both."

The spell was broken; suddenly, everyone was offering their congratulations. Moony reached across the table to shake Sirius' hand and kiss Lily on the cheek. Marlene popped up out of nowhere to throw her arms around Lily's neck; Lily patted her hand soothingly. Wormtail stood from his seat and began spouting inconsistent blessings on the happy couple. The only one who made no move to speak was James.

He was staring unwaveringly at a spot on the table, lost entirely in his own mind. Lily couldn't identify his expression, but, quite frankly, she didn't particularly want to. She was at a loss as to how to handle this situation if Sirius took offense. It appeared that the rest of the group had noticed his unresponsiveness as well as another heavy half-silence fell over them. Their feeble attempts at lessening the tension only served to worsen the state of affairs.

As it happened, Remus was the first to crack. "James," he said. The other man did not look up. "James," he repeated, more forcefully this time. James lifted his head, his eyes disoriented. "What was that you were trying to say?"

Smooth, Moony.

James' confusion was by no means alleviated. "What?"

Remus looked at him pointedly from over Sirius' shoulder. "You were saying something to Lily and Sirius."

If Dumbledore hadn't been present Lily would have smacked a hand to her face. Or smacked Remus, whichever felt more satisfying. Sirius appeared as to be unable to decide between feeling uncomfortable and feeling furious.

James looked like he wanted to stick a gun in his mouth right then and there. "Um…" he fumbled. "Well, that's, er, that's just…um…that's great."

He was on his feet in a heartbeat, his chair skidding out from under him. He looked around and made a noise of defeated uncertainty before sighing softly and marching from the room. The door slammed shut behind him.

No one quite knew what to say. Lily looked to Dumbledore, hoping he might give her some indication as to how to respond appropriately, but he seemed to want her and Sirius to take the lead. So, she turned to her husband, her mouth slightly ajar, her green orbs pleading loudly for him to say something.

His face was gaunt, and he was hunched slightly over the table, as though a knife had embedded in his abdomen. Lily placed a hand hesitantly on his knee. Her touch jolted him out of his trance; he leaned back and swung an arm around her shoulders.

"Well, that went well."

* * *

_Is anyone else disturbed by how frequently I've been updating lately? Are we in a parallel dimension where I'm actually productive? I'm a little freaked out. Anyway, here we are twenty-four chapters in. Fifteen to go, I think. Let's see if I can keep up the pace._

_The title is _Sex On Fire _by Kings of Leon. I hope ya'll didn't think this chapter was going to be inappropriate when you saw it._

_Wow, ya'll sure turned out with the reviews last chapter. I learned several things from them. 1) Hardly anyone has any hope for Sirius and Lily's relationship to survive through 1980. Geez, ya'll are depressing. 2) I'm apparently expected to work Harry into this somehow (we'll see). 3) enjoys making things just as confusing and difficult as they possibly can. But thank you all anyway for answering my question about Sirius, as well as, as always, for the lovely reviews. I hope ya'll will keep up with them the way I've been keeping up with my writing. Wink wink, nudge nudge. _

_Speaking of keeping up with my writing, I've finished the next chapter. Again. Man, this is getting weird. It should be up next weekend or at the beginning of next week. My weekends have become very exhausting, so I may switch to updating on Mondays during the summer._

_Til Next Week!_


	25. What a Scene

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter in the least bit, though if you look closely you'll see I borrowed bits of _Order of the Phoenix_ and _Deathly Hallows_. I'm sorry if that offends you in some way.**

* * *

Lily had always found it odd that there was no night staff at the Ministry of Magic. Sure, it wasn't as though they needed a custodial staff or something of that sort in the middle of the night and there must have been a plethora of enchantments guarding the facility, but it still felt wrong in an unpleasantly foreboding sort of way. One would think that, considering the nature of some of the information housed in the Ministry and the current state of affairs, the government would want to employ some type of human guard system. It just made sense. She'd have to remember to ask Edgar or Benjy about it at the next meeting.

Perhaps if there had been guards Lily wouldn't have felt so out of sorts as she walked through the wide atrium, tub of shepherd's pie in hand. If there had been other wizards about, she might not have felt as though something was terribly off. Oh, well. In those uncertain times, one could make a case for everything being off in some way or another.

Normally she wouldn't be doing this, but it had been a while since Sirius had stayed so late for work and she wanted to make sure he had something to eat. She'd even brought some for James. It was odd; for all the weight she gained Sirius seemingly lost the same amount. By the time she gave birth she'd be able to use him to sweep the floor. He wouldn't say it, but Lily knew he was terribly worried. Things hadn't been going so well for their side of late, and the expansion of their family was doing nothing to ease the weight of the world he insisted on carrying. Dumbledore said time and again that things would have to get worse before they got better; the prayed that this was the worse he had been talking about. She didn't know if Sirius could take much more.

James had become a striking anomaly in her admittedly ridiculous life. He and Sirius were working their way back to the placed they'd been before Vanessa had come between them, though Lily suspected that was because they simply didn't discuss their significant others. Sirius still couldn't stand to be around Vanessa, and James still behaved strangely whenever he and Lily were in the same room, but overall they seemed happier, so who was Lily to complain?

It could have been worse; they could have expected Lily and Vanessa to suddenly become good friends to mirror their relationship, but, thankful, that was not the case. In truth, Lily really knew nothing about James' fiancé, having only seen her once recently when it had been James' turn to offer his house as a meeting place, and that had been awkward for just about every member of the Order present. She didn't know what was going to be expected of them after the wedding in six weeks, but she would cross that bridge when she came to it.

She had another reason to visit Sirius, though, besides the food. Once she told him what it was she needed to say all his inevitable concerns about her being out so late would be erased. She had the most wonderful news in the world for him.

They were going to have a son. A little Castor.

Lily smiled to herself as she walked past that rather demeaning fountain, her spare hand resting on her moderately protruding belly. She wasn't hobbling yet, but walking had still become somewhat trying. Upon reaching the lifts, she stepped inside nearest compartment and slid closed the golden grilles with an echoic clang.

"Atrium," cooed that annoyingly smooth female voice Lily detested, No human woman sounded like that. She could just picture the man that had enchanted the lifts. The floor jerked and the lift began to ascend; Lily began to remember morning sickness with vivid clarity.

After a moment, the lift jolted to a halt and the grilles rattled open.

"Level Seven; Department of Magical Games and Sports, incorporating the British and Irish Quidditch League Headquarters, Official Gobstones Club, and Ludicrous Patents Office," trilled the woman's voice.

Curse whoever had decided it was a good idea to stop the lifts on every bloody floor; they ought to have been smacked. It was probably the same git that had charmed the voice for the announcer. Oh yes, the nausea was definitely returning. After a pause, the grilles slid closed again and the lift resumed it journey upward.

Up and up it went, stopping haltingly at each floor as it did, increasing Lily's irritation. Poor Sirius was in for a rather disgruntled wife. The annoying thumping noises in her head that increased in volume with each bump of a stop weren't improving her mood, funnily enough. Up-stop, up-stop, up-stop, until…

"Level Two: Department of Magical Law Enforcement, including the Improper Use of Magic Office, Auror Headquarters, and Wizengamot Administration Services."

With a dearly meant, "Thank Merlin," Lily stepped through the entrance of the lift and onto her husband's floor.

It struck her at first that the department was seemingly empty. Yes, there was no official night staff, but usually there was someone working late into the night in the Auror offices. It was kind of an all-hours department. The men had probably just fallen asleep at their desks.

Lily made her way into the Headquarters, still without encountering a soul. She would have felt more ill at ease had the thumping in her head not become a pounding, demanding the attention of all of her nerves. She wound her way through the rows of cubicles until she came to the little space Sirius shared with James and a third trainee she had yet to meet. He wasn't a member of the Order, which, according to Sirius, had a tendency to complicate matters greatly for James and him.

The three cramped desks and partially unfolded cot were empty. Great. Lily slumped down in the nearest chair and huffed a sigh. Sirius couldn't have gone home; someone else would surely be holding down the fort if that were the case. No, the complete desertion of the Auror Headquarters could only mean one thing: an attack.

Guilt swept through Lily. She had probably missed the alert in her effort to bring her husband dinner. Damn it. It was her responsibility to receive information such as this and pass it along, and she had failed spectacularly. Dumbledore was going to be so disappointed in her. Not to mention Sirius. However, it appeared that the news had found its way to the Auror office in spite of her absence, so perhaps things would work out yet. Now if only that bloody thumping would stop.

Lily sat the tub of shepherd's pie on the desk (James', judging by the photographs) and reclined into the chair. There was no way she could go home now; she'd spend the rest on the night paralyzed in fear for her husband if she spent the rest of the night alone in their empty house. No, she needed to be here when the all got back, if for no other reason than to make sure Sirius ate. And besides, she really didn't want to haul her pregnant self all the way home, not when she could almost taste the bile at the back of her throat.

A muffled scream pierced through the silence.

Lily stiffened and leaned forward. No, it couldn't have been. Who on Earth would be screaming in the high level administrative offices, especially at this hour of the night? She was probably just tired and hearing things. Yes, that was it; she was worried about her Auror husband, and her imagination was taking her exhausted state as an opportunity to run wild. Nothing to get excited over.

Then the ceiling shook. There was another scream and several loud bangs.

Shit. It most definitely was not nothing. Lily stood hurriedly and turned to leave the cubicle, but then thought the better of it. What exactly was she to do about it, whatever it was? She was nineteen weeks pregnant, for heaven's sakes. The ceiling shook again. Another series of screams.

Dammit, she was a member of the Order of the Phoenix. She had sworn to do everything in her power to fight back against the other side. She had an obligation to at least look in on whatever was going on upstairs.

Lily rushed through the cubicles to the lift. Once inside, she paused before closing the grilles to listen up the shaft. Sure enough, shouts and banging were sounding down from the floor above. Her head hadn't been pounding after all. She drew her wand and pulled the grilles into place.

The lift rattled upward, in Lily's mind at a snail's pace. She could hear the blood drumming in her ears; the adrenaline kept the nausea at bay. A brilliant thought suddenly popped into her head; she hurriedly cast a Patronous and kept it ready at her side. At long last, the lift came to a stop.

"Level One: Minister of Magic and Support Staff."

A jet of blue light whizzed past Lily's head and collided with the wall of the lift before the grilles had even begun to open. Lily quickly sent her Patronous down the shaft and began to fire Stunners into the hall.

The administrative hall was in utter chaos. Dark, hooded figures were intermixed with more benevolent-looking ones; many appeared paired off into twos and fours, dueling. Spells were flying indiscriminately (Lily ducked as best she could as another curse jetted by). The lighting was so dim that she couldn't see to the offices at the other end of the hall, but Lily could make out several bodies lying on the marble floor, twisted into sickeningly odd angles. She couldn't see Sirius anywhere in the melee. Lily was so frazzled she couldn't decide whether that was good or bad.

She slid out of the lift and edged along the wall to her left, still firing rapidly at the hooded intruders. It was so hard to see; she didn't want to hit any of her comrades. They appeared to be having enough difficulties as it was. She suddenly wished she had thought to tie back her hair.

One of the hooded assailants nearest to Lily turned and began to advance toward her. Lily continued shooting Stunners at him, but he dodged them expertly. A horrible green curse flew from his wand directly at her, but she turned to the side, barely avoiding it.

"_Tarantallegra_!" she yelled as she turned back. The Death Eater blocked it but was forced back several steps. A hideous skull mask obscured his face. His Reducto missed Lily but crushed through the wall above her head. She had to sidestep the crumbling debris.

Without even really considering her actions, Lily slashed through the air with her wand, a wave of fire coursing from its tip in the direction of her opponent. Evidently, he hadn't been expecting that, as most of the flames made contact with him, immediately igniting his robes. The Death Eater screamed and thrashed like a horribly dismembered octopus. Lily took advantage of his incapacitation to hit him in the chest with a Stunning spell. He stilled instantly and crumbled to the ground.

Lily quickly doused the Death Eater with water from her wand and magically shoved his body to the side. Down the hall, the battle was still raging as fiercely as before. Sirius was still nowhere to be seen. Lily resumed easing herself down the wall until she was pressed into the safety of a darkened corner and continued firing spells at the belligerents.

A thick curse bolted over her head, demolishing a large chunk of the wall. Lily screamed in shock and ran as fast as the baby would allow to avoid the falling debris. Another curse flew past as she found herself in the middle of the fighting. She whirled around and began shooting every spell that came to mind. For the third time in as many years, Lily began to wonder if she would live to see the next day.

There was a clear path to the lifts. Would she be a coward if she left now? No, she would be a responsible mother. She should have trusted her gut and fled the Ministry to begin with. Ducking another green jet, Lily began moving toward the exit.

With fifteen feet to go, a Death Eater ran into her path, effectively blocking the exit. His unmasked visage bore a hideous grin of enjoyment and bloodlust. Lily recognized his face: Antonin Dolohov, one of the Ministry's ten most wanted and purportedly one of Voldemort's favorites, the combination of which could only spell calamity. His grin widened sickeningly as his eyes travelled down to her rounded stomach.

"Leaving so soon?" he yelled as he hurled a curse at her, which she barely dodged. "But we've only just begun."

Coursing panic flooded Lily's veins, so she slashed another line of fire through the air. However, Dolohov was much more skilled than her previous opponent and easily put it out.

"So you like playing with fire," he called over the din of the fighting.

The twisted gleam in his eyes would haunt her for the rest of her life. Dolohov raised his wand and made a series of slashing movements as a lengthy incantation Lily had no recollection of poured from his lips. She stepped backward and hastily threw up a shield, but the purple flames he slammed toward her were immune to it.

Pain seared through every centimeter of Lily's body. The flames ripped through her, pulling her apart. She felt her feet leave the ground as she wreathed in agony. Then the fire became ice, biting at her muscles and bones, leaving her paralyzed in anguish. Her stomach erupted in blinding pain.

Faintly, Lily heard someone call her name as the sensation of falling overcame her. Then everything numbed. She was vaguely aware of her back colliding with something hard before the blackness overcame her.

* * *

_Ah, actions sequences. They've always made me feel unsure of myself. Oh, well. This chapter is the big one I've been telling you all about for ages. Years, in fact. Or part of that chapter, at least. See, I had originally intended to leave it as it ends here, but then I realized that that would be an utterly stupid move on my part, so the events of the chapter will carry on into the next. The next chapter is going to have to be much longer, I think._

_The chapter title is _What a Scene_ by The Goo Goo Dolls. Yes, they're back. I seem to be using them a lot lately, if twice counts as a lot, that is; you know, originally this fic was saturated with their music. Even moreso than it is now. What can I say, they lend themselves to Lily and Sirius._

_Thank you all for the lovely reviews for the last chapter, even though it was just a filler, really. They warmed by heart, which is good as we've been having an unusually chilly summer. I suspect I'll be getting several distressing ones after this chapter concerning the future of Lily and her son. I'll warn you now, though, it gets worse. _

_On that happy note, I'm sorry to say that I do not have the next chapter ready to go. A pox on me, I know, I know. I've been slowly chipping away at it for the last two weeks, but it may take a while, so I doubt it will be up next weekend. I'll have it up as soon as humanly possible, I promise, and I'll apologies now for any extended delays. I don't do them to be mean, I swear._

_One last thing, scout's honor. Even though I quit scouts after half a year, but I digress. If you're like me and obsess over the statistical aspects of fanfics, you'll have noticed that this one hit sixty-thousand words a few chapters ago. Forgetful girl that I am, I keep forgetting to bring it up. I consider this to be a landmark for this story, so I'd like to take this time to thank everyone for reading. I couldn't have imagined having a kinder, more gracious, more intuitive group read something I've written, so once more, I thank you from the bottom of my heart._

_Til Next Time!_


	26. Hammer to Fall

**Disclaimer: If I were to own Harry Potter, I would have already seen the last film instead of having to wait for this weekend like the rest of the common folk.**

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Sirius called out in horror to his wife from the opposite end of the hall as he watched her go down. It was too loud to hear the thud of her body hitting the marble floor. He was immobilized with terror as the last of the purple flames licked along her unmoving form. The Death Eater she'd been dueling stepped over her and rejoined the fighting.

Without thinking, Sirius moved toward Lily only to find himself flying into the wall. He rolled as he hit the ground, dodging another curse.

"Sirius, get your head in this," James yelled from across the hallway.

Sirius shook his hair out of his eyes as he scrambled to his feet. Things had gotten out of hand so very quickly. He, James, and Moody had been the only ones in Headquarters when they had heard a commotion on the floor above. Constant Vigilance dictated that they go see what the fuss was about, and they had been horrified with what they found.

The hall had been lined with Death Eaters, each cloaked in black and masked by those gruesome skulls. Several had been clustered at the end around the door to the Minister's office, trying, Sirius assumed, to break through it.

They had quickly withdrawn to regroup; three Aurors, two of them only partially trained at that, were no match for a battalion of Death Eaters. All the other Aurors had been quickly alerted, and Sirius had sent word to Lily to inform the far-flung members of the Order of the situation at hand. The other Aurors had arrived quickly enough, but hardly any Order members had come to supplement their forces. Mad-Eye had decided that there was no time to wait, so they had ambushed the Death Eaters.

It was a bloody, bloody fight. Men had been lost on both sides. Sirius wasn't at all sure how he was still standing; it probably had something to do with James having his back. They had stuck close when the fighting had broken out, keeping the other near enough to send a spell their way when necessary.

This was what they had been training for for the better part of the last year. A direct attack on the Ministry. And this wasn't even a half-assed recognizance expedition on the part of the Death Eaters. No, no, this was as do or die as it got; Sirius was fairly certain that Moody and the senior Aurors were fighting Voldemort inside the Minister's office as he fought for the upper hand outside.

He had been worried as it was before Lily had shown up. They were fighting the Death Eaters in the hall to a draw, but if Voldemort managed to take down Moody and the others they were all as good as dead. They needed reinforcements, and quickly.

But not Lily. Never, never Lily. He hadn't even been aware of her presence there until he had heard her scream, and by then it had been too late. What was she even doing there? Surely, she wasn't responding to his distress call. No, she couldn't possibly have willingly put the baby in that kind of danger. Lily must not have gotten his message. But if that were the case, then what had she been doing to come across the battle like that?

Visiting him. No. Dear God, no. No, no, no. It was his fault, then. It was his fault that she was laying motionlessly out of his reach. And he couldn't even begin to think about the baby.

Screw the Ministry, he had to get them, out of there. The government could burn for all he cared; he just had to get his family to safety.

Sirius made another attempt to move to his wife, but a spell blew a hole in the wall in front of him. The Death Eater he had been dueling roared in fury. Sirius turned back to the man; only part of his face was hidden by his mask, the other half having been blown away to reveal the open, bleeding gash that was his right cheekbone. He snarled, sending droplets of blood flying to the floor. He obviously wasn't ready to give up the fight.

The Death Eater sent another Reducto his way, forcing Sirius to drop to the ground and roll away from the falling rubble.

"_Diffindo!_" Sirius yelled, slashing at his opponent's legs. Sure enough, blood began gushing from the other man's knees; he screamed and fell to the floor. Sirius Stunned him right in the face.

He straightened up and assessed his situation. There were between four and six Death Eaters between him and Lily (they wouldn't stand still long enough for him to take an accurate count) and roughly five Aurors battling them.

"Sirius!" James called from farther into the hall. "I could use a hand here!"

Sirius took half a second to look back at Lily, who hadn't so much as twitched. _Forgive me_, he thought before scrambling from the wall, over the bleeding Death Eater, and down the hall to James, who was in the process of being forced farther and farther back by his hooded opponent. Sirius blew a hole in the ground at the Death Eater's feet, giving James enough time to belt out, "_Impedimenta!_" and hurl the charm at the man. The Death Eater was able to block it, but not the Jelly-Legs Jinx Sirius cast. As his legs began to wobble about asynchronously, the Death Eater began firing Avada Kedavras at random, all of which hit the ceiling and sent dust and drywall sprinkling down. James Stunned the flailing man as a flash of orange light illuminated the hall.

Sirius grabbed James by the crook of the arm and tugged him to the nearest wall as a cannonball of blue sparks hurtled passed them.

"You okay?" Sirius yelled over the crash of the sparks hitting a wall.

"Sure," James replied as blue sizzled all around them. He held up a mangled hand for Sirius to examine; three of his fingers were twisted into implausible angles, and the skin had been seared off the back. "At least it's not my wand hand."

Sirius pulled his friend closer so he could hear him over the repetitive banging. "James, I've got to get out of here."

"What?"

"Lily's here. I've got to get her out."

"Lily? What's Lily doing here?"

"I don't know, James. I saw her go down near the lift; she hasn't moved at all. I'm freaking out. I've got to get her to a Healer or something."

"What? Wait! Sirius, we need you here."

"I'm sorry, Prongs, but I've got to."

"We're running out of men, Sirius! We can't lose you right now."

"I know, I—"

"At least wait for back-up—"

"It's not coming, James! Don't you get it? Lily didn't get the message, and now she's dying on the floor, and I've just got to get her out."

"Pad—"

"What if it was Vanessa?" Sirius demanded.

That gave James pause. He didn't respond for an instance. Sirius could see his resolve wavering as the wheels in his brain turned. After a moment, his eyes softened, and Sirius knew James was acquiescing. James clapped him on the shoulder. "Be safe."

Sirius nodded and gave his friend a withering look before turning back to the battlefield. The other combatants were still paired off, almost uncaring as to where their spells landed. Sirius decided that his best bet for getting to Lily would be to simply make a run for it. He could see her from his spot on the wall; in that instance, he couldn't quite make himself believe that her hair was really that red.

There was a sudden break in the spells flying in front of Sirius. He vaulted away from the wall, ducked over just in case. He positioned himself in line with where Lily lay, straightened up again in order to run more quickly, and took off in a sprint.

He'd barely moved five steps when something collided with his back, instantly blistering his skin. Sirius fell flat on his face and slid twelve feet before stopping. As he struggled to right himself, Sirius could hear the air behind him sizzling. He rolled to his right, just enough to miss the small comet of red sparks that left a crater in the space where his neck had been seconds earlier.

Then he heard her laugh. That high-pitched, vile cackle. He could recognize it anywhere; her laugh symbolized everything that had been tempestuous about his childhood. Not without effort, Sirius flipped himself over, and, sure enough, there she was standing over him in all her murderous glory.

"Oh, did wittle baby Sirwious fall down?" She cackled again, throwing back her head to reveal the thinness of her neck. Sirius' stomach coiled in revulsion at the sound.

While her head was back, Sirius rapidly thought, _Aguamenti!_ and cut through the air with his wand. The sheet was water hit her in the thighs, knocking her to the floor and cutting off her horrible laugh. Sirius stumbled to his feet.

She looked up at him and resumed her giggling. "So the wittle baby wants to pway, does he?"

"Ah, fuck off, Bellatrix. I don't want to fight you."

That was an outrageous lie, of course. He desperately wanted to grab her by her thick, dark hair and bash her head repeatedly against the marble floor. But Lily needed him to save her, and save her now, so he couldn't be wasting time on his demented cousin.

Bellatrix stopped laughing, but the Cheshire grin remained plastered across her face. "Since when has anyone ever cared about what you wanted, Sirius?"

And with that she was blasting curse after curse at him. Sirius blocked them as best he could, but she had obviously learned a thing or two from her master. With a shriek, she pointed her wand at his feet and howled so shrilly that he couldn't make out the spell she was casting; he threw up a shield in vain as the floor beneath his feet liquefied. It was like standing on honey; Sirius slowly began to sink down into the sticky marble. Bellatrix screeched in glee.

Without mobility he might as well have been dead. Sirius wildly waved his wand about his person, creating a glass dome around himself. It certainly wouldn't hold off his insane cousin, but it would buy him enough time to locate James. Where was he, where was he…there! Damn. He was immersed in being worn down by yet another masked Death Eater. Well, he'd be of no help. It looked like Sirius was just going to have to work his way out of this one on his own. Fat chance.

The glass encasing him shattered. Sirius raised his free arm to shield his eyes. Bellatrix squealed in rage, and blood splattered from his arm. Fantastic.

"Come on, Sirius!" Bellatrix shrieked. "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Be better than that, Sirius! Be better!"

By then Sirius had sunken to his knees in the viscous marble. Bellatrix continued to ramble maniacally, so Sirius resumed his efforts to hit her with something, anything. She batted spells away like a tennis player deflecting balls.

The rambling became a high, cruel cackle. She aimed her wand at his heart, her full lips twisted into a horrible grin. "How I have longed to do this," she half-whispered. Her eyes glittered a lustful black. "I'll be rewarded for it." Sirius shielded himself as best he could, yet he knew it would be ineffective against Bellatrix's pure hatred and braced himself for her coming assault.

It never came. As Bellatrix was preparing to fire on him she suddenly stopped and stared angrily at a point somewhere over Sirius' head. Her entire body stilled. Sirius considered closing his eyes so he wouldn't have to see what she did next, but he couldn't bear to look away. She let lose a furious scream and, much to her cousin's surprise, turned on her heels and ran to the end of the hall where the Minister's office was located, their duel seemingly forgotten.

Sirius tried to turn and look at the disturbance, but by then he had sunken halfway down his thighs into the floor and only accomplished in causing himself to topple painfully to the side. As Sirius struggled to right himself, a sigh, cold voice echoed through the hallway.

"Fall back," it commanded. "Fall back."

A deathly chill ran down Sirius' spine. Voldemort. It had to be. But what could have possibly made he want to retreat so quickly?

A robed figure swished hurriedly passed Sirius before he could even see its face. A long shock of white hair hung down its back. Of course: Dumbledore. Another man ran up behind him. Caradoc Deerborn. So the rest of the Order had finally come as well. They were saved.

Thick, black sheets of fog rolled quickly through the hall, blinding Sirius to his surroundings. He struggled against his confinement in the blackness until a white ball of light shone ahead of him, from Dumbledore, he assumed. The light spread until the fog was eradicated, and, naturally, there were no Death Eaters to be found. It was over.

Lily. He had to get to Lily. God, please let her be alive. Sirius thrashed about, but he was down to his hips now. Fuck Bellatrix. Even when she wasn't there she was giving him hell.

Two strong pairs of hands suddenly hooked themselves under each of Sirius' arms. "Up you go, mate." He looked up to see two burly redheads. The Prewett brothers. How good of them, as Lily would say.

It took all of Gideon and Fabian's combined strength to free Sirius from the clinging marble. The pressure on the bones of his legs was so great that Sirius had to clench his jaw tightly to keep from screaming out. Finally, at long last, his shoes were released from the liquefied floor with a _pop!_ All three men fell backwards to the floor with a collective grunt. Sirius scuttled sorely to his feet, patting the shoulder of the nearest brother (Gideon?) as he did.

"Thanks," he called hoarsely over his shoulder, not waiting for their response.

He wanted nothing more than to run to his wife, but his legs were so wracked with pain that simply standing was overwhelmingly dreadful. His trudge to the end of the hall was a laboriously slow, agonizing one. Bodies of both comrades and otherwise were scattered along the hallway; Sirius stepped over several on his excruciating trek. Many groaned, but Sirius had no time for them now. He had to get to her. When he finally did reach Lily, Sirius fell to his knees at her side in exhaustion and anguish.

She would have looked almost peaceful had it not been for all the blood. Her face was streaked from her closed eyes to her pale cheeks with it, as though she had been crying perfect tears of blood. Sirius thought vaguely that that must be a sign of some sort of internal trauma, but he was far more concerned with the condition of the lower half of her body, for Lily's hips were silhouetted by a pool of dark red blood.

_Shit_, Sirius thought. _The baby_.

Sirius' head jerked up when James slumped down at Lily's other side. He had acquired a nasty burn on his neck since Sirius had last seen him. His eyes were unblinkingly transfixed on Lily.

"What should we do?" he asked thickly.

Sirius wiped his face with his blood-coated arm, wondering when it had become so wet. "She's alive," he said, point to her chest, which was, thankfully, still rising and falling to some extent. "But I don't know if we should move her now or not. I don't want to hurt her anymore than she already is."

A small, cold hand gripped Sirius' shoulder; he swung his head up to stare at the round face of Alice Longbottom. "Sirius," she said. He hadn't known her voice could be so rough. The edges of her eyes were twitching like she was about to cry, but her jaw was set resolutely firm. "Dumbledore had me alert St. Mungo's before I came. Healers should be arriving by now. I would take her down to the Atrium if I were you."

"Do you really think we should move her like this?"

Alice's gaze shifted to Lily's unmoving form. She looked her up and down with a hard expression on her face. "Levitate her. The less pressure you put on her body, the better."

Sirius nodded. It was so painfully obvious. He should have thought of it sooner. "Thanks, Alice."

She squeezed his shoulder and helped him to his feet. James rose as well. Alice gave Lily one last intense look before turning back to the battle-ravaged hall. Sirius raised his wand and lifted his wife from the ground as gently as he could.

"Get the lift, James."

James stumbled ahead several paces to pull back the golden grilles. Sirius followed with Lily, easing her in so that she didn't bump into any of the lift's walls. Once they were all inside, James pushed the grilles closed and pressed the button for the Atrium, and down they went.

Sirius couldn't recall the lift ever taking so long. His eyes refused to move from Lily. Her skin was as white as death. Blood dripped from her body, cascading to the floor with soft _splat_s. James tried his best to choke down a sob from his place near her head.

What had he done, what had he done?

When the lift finally came to a halt at the Atrium, Sirius exhaled the breath he hadn't known he had been holding in. James edged his way around Lily, careful not to touch her in any way, to open the grilles. Lily floated eerily out of the lift between the two men.

The Atrium was abuzz with activity. Various wizards and witches were scurrying about in post-attack confusion. The Minister of Magic was standing in the center of it all in her dressing gown, encircled by her aides and in brisk conversation with Mad-Eye Moody. Word traveled fast, it seemed.

"Sirius," James called over his shoulder. He nudged his head at a woman in white robes who was rushing towards them. She all but skidded to a stop before them.

"What was she hit with?" she asked breathlessly.

"Um…" Sirius fumbled. _Get a hold of yourself_. "I didn't actually hear the spell, but there were all these purple flames, and she was up in the air, and then she fell, and…and…"

The woman nodded sympathetically. "Let me get her a stretcher." She stood back and drew the outline of said stretcher in midair; with another wave of her wand, the stretcher materialized. Sirius slowly lowered Lily onto it and ended his spell. The Healer stared at her intently.

"She's pregnant, isn't she?"

Sirius nodded.

The Healer blinked several times. "Look, sir, I have to be honest—"

"Don't!" Sirius held up his hands. "Don't. Just…just, fix her, please. Just make her okay."

The woman's mouth gaped. At that moment, a hand grabbed Sirius by the elbow and steered him around.

"Sirius," said Mad-Eye, "I need you to—"

"What? No!" Sirius responded in horror.

Mad-Eye's grizzled face twisted into a frown. "Look, lad, I know—"

"No! No! I'm done, Mad-Eye, I've had it! I quit!"

Mad-Eye's features hardened. "Sirius, it's been a rough night, yes, but that doesn't mean you can just walk away. We need you here, now."

Sirius shook his head wildly. "And what about Lily? She'd have never gotten hurt if I hadn't been here."

"Sirius —"

"She's more important than this! Than all of it! I won't put her in anymore danger, do you hear me? I won't! I'm done!"

"Si —"

"Let him go, Mad-Eye." James took his superior by the wrist and tugged his hand away from Sirius' shoulder. "Just let him go." He turned to Sirius. "Go. Take care of her. I'll help out here."

Sirius was at a loss for words, so he wrapped his arms around his best friend and gave him an appreciative hug. James patted him on the back and gave a great sniff.

Sirius pulled away and turned back to Lily, only to find that she and the Healer woman had disappeared. Panic reentered his bloodstream, and for a split second he couldn't move. Then he was a flurry of motion, searching the Atrium for any sign of his incapacitated wife.

Then he spotted her; the Healers had gathered her with several other injured wizards near the fountain. From the looks of it, they were preparing to portkey out of the Ministry of Magic.

Sirius jogged towards them, but he knew that he wouldn't be able to reach them through the crowd in time. So, he was left to stand to the side in the middle of all the disorder and watch as the Healers took Lily away from the Ministry.

Away from him.

* * *

_And so ends part two of the battle at the Ministry. Nothing like a good action scene to get everyone geared up for the new film. It actually took less time for me to write than I thought it would, all things considered. The ramifications of this chapter will carry on throughout the rest of the story, so I hope ya'll are paying attention. I just hope it wasn't too longwinded. And that you all won't hate me._

_The chapter title is _Hammer to Fall_ by Queen._

_Thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews. Except for one, which was just ghastly. But otherwise, they're nothing short of terrific. As dull as my life is right now, they really do brighten up my day. _

_I've not written the next chapter yet, but I hope to have it up in the next week or two, though, as always, I make no promises. Also, I'm going to be going through and changing a few things over the next few days. Nothing absolutely vital, but some things that have really been bugging me lately. So nobody panic and think this fic has been hacked. I had wanted to wait until this story was complete before I started tweaking things, but these things have really started gnawing at my brain over the last week or so._

_Til Next Time!_


	27. Razor

**Disclaimer: If I owned the rights to Harry Potter, or was in any way connected to the lovely woman that does, I probably wouldn't have to worry about things such as financial aid.**

* * *

Surely Hell would be better than this. At least then Sirius would have known what he could have done and suffered physically for his failure. But alas, he was still living, so all he could do was metaphorically burn in his anguish.

Lily had been home a week, having spent five in St. Mungo's. Dolohov's curse appeared to be something of his own invention as the Healers had repetitively mumbled about never having seen a spell of its variety before. The curse, it would seem, caused unparalleled amounts of internal damage. Lily had been bloated with blood when they had finally begun to reverse the spell's effects; every organ that could have ruptured had.

Sirius had never before experienced the misery that had enveloped him during the forty hours he had sat despairing in the largest corridor of the topmost floor of the wizarding hospital, waiting for word on his wife. James had come and sat with him after things had settled down at the Ministry and his hand had been mended, and Remus and Peter had popped in and out, but they could provide him with no comfort. Nothing could have been comforting.

After she had been stabilized, the Healers had kept Lily in a state of Dreamless Sleep for the better part of a week while they continued to work their magic on her broken body. It was just as well, Sirius had thought at the time; better for her to lie in peaceful oblivion than awake to the terrible reality that had become their fragmented lives. And so again he sat, and he waited.

But she had known. The instant she had been revived Sirius had seen in her big, deadened eyes that she knew the truth. That she was no longer a mother. That he was no longer a father. That they would never know their son. That their family wasn't really a family anymore.

Thus had become the vicious cycle to which Lily was still enslaved.

She would always be embroiled in one of three states. At times she would fall into mania and pace for hours without cease, rambling her fractured thoughts as she did. Then would come the hysterical sobbing, during which she would shout terrible things and, on occasion, come close to hurting herself. And then, finally, she would shut down completely and lie in apathy for days on end. And then the cycle would repeat.

Having remained a constant presence by her side, Sirius fell into her pattern as well. He had stayed true to the rather rash decision he had shouted at Moody in the Ministry: he had quit his job in the Auror Department. No one fought him on it, for which Sirius was glad; he suspected Dumbledore had instructed everyone to lay off them for a while, though undoubtedly in a much more loquacious and nonthreatening manner, which had left Sirius humblingly grateful. When his life was no longer quite so hellish perhaps he'd thank him.

When Lily was in her more lucid periods, she and Sirius would have the same conversations over and over again. Was God punishing them? (No, Sirius would assure her, not like this.) Was it her fault? (Never; the blame resided with Dolohov and Voldemort.) Was there anything she could have done? (No. Just no.) But evidently these were not the answers Lily was looking for, though they were the only ones Sirius could give.

It continued like that, over and over, their endless, pitiful cycle, even after Sirius was finally allowed to bring Lily home. Not that it helped much. The only difference was that, unlike the Healers of St. Mungo's, Sirius didn't have the heart to restrain his wife when she completely lost her head. All he could do was hold her as he sobbed and choked on self-damning oaths and watch from the corner as she paced frantically. But it wasn't enough, in his opinion. Not nearly enough.

Exactly one week from the afternoon he brought his wife home, Sirius found himself in their kitchen clearing away the remnants of the lunch neither had put much effort into eating. Lily was in their bedroom in unresponsive half-sleep, leaving the house unbearably quiet. In such moments, Sirius couldn't help but wonder who was in worse shape: Lily, or him.

Whatever Lily was doing, at least she was mourning. Sirius was not, that much was clear. It wasn't that he didn't feel sickeningly guilty for failing to protect his wife and child, or that he didn't physically hurt at seeing Lily suffer so. No, it was just that it simply wasn't all real to him yet. Dolohov's curse had destroyed his son's half-formed body; there had been no funeral. Even when Lily had told him that they would have had a son, it didn't seem to make sense. It wasn't like with Mr. and Mrs. Potter, who he had seen dead and who everyone would recognize as gone; no one outside their circle of friends would appreciate that he and Lily had lost a baby. It was as though the whole thing had never happened to begin with. In quiet moments such as these, Sirius sometimes wondered if Lily had been pregnant at all, if it hadn't been a beautiful dream.

And that scared Sirius, because he knew that at some point the reality of it would hit him, and nobody was prepared for that. Lily certainly was in no shape to comfort him, and none of their friends would be helpful. How could they be? None of them could completely empathize, not really, and besides that he didn't particularly want any of them to see him snap. He had to be the strong one now. He had to keep it together.

Sirius sighed and finished drying the last wet plate with his wand before placing it in the cupboard. He pushed his overgrown hair from his face and listened for the deep breathing that indicated his wife was asleep. It was absent. Great.

He didn't want to bother her, really he didn't, but James and Vanessa's wedding was the following weekend, and both had been anxiously pestering him with inquiries as to whether both Blacks would be attending. He would be going regardless, as James had made him best man months before, but the issue of Lily's presence was as yet unresolved. Sirius knew she wouldn't want to go, and quite frankly Sirius didn't want to ask her to, but James was insisting he at least try to get her come. Vanessa seemed to be particularly adamant in her desire to have Lily at her wedding; apparently she had developed a great affinity for her, which was odd as Lily had done her utmost to avoid interaction with James' fiancé, so Sirius found himself backed into a corner. At this rate they should all organize a committee and wall him in.

It was ridiculous for James and Vanessa to be getting married at this point, anyway. Their side had taken a big hit after the attack on the Ministry. James had followed Sirius' lead and left the Auror Department; almost everyone else was underground for the time being. It was not the time to be holding something as superfluous as a wedding. But, to be fair, everyone had probably said the same thing a year before when he and Lily had gotten married.

Almost in a trance, Sirius found himself climbing the stairs to his and Lily's bedroom. Should he ask her? Should he not? Would she be angry if he didn't? With a sigh, Sirius decided it was best to just get it over with while she was in a lethargic mood.

She was facing away from him in the bed, though Sirius doubted she was looking out the window he had opened in an unsuccessful attempt to coax some warmth into their home. The whole world was gloomy, it seemed. Sirius crossed the room, careful not to creak the floorboards as he did, to sit at the edge of the bed beside his wife's legs.

"Lily?" he whispered. She gave no move to indicate that she had heard him.

"Lily?" he tried again, placing a hand atop one of her covered knees. A moment passed, and she made a noise of recognition. Sirius took a deep breath. "I wanted to ask you about something."

She didn't move. Sirius wasn't sure if she hadn't heard him, or if she was trying to tell him that she wanted him to go away. So he waited, and, finally, Lily rolled to lie on her back and stare up at him through slightly glazed eyes.

"Yes?' she asked, motioning with one of her thin hands for him to continue.

Sirius struggled to keep from starting; she hadn't been so alert in over a month. "Well," he tried, "well, it's just that James and Vanessa's wedding is next week."

He paused. She blinked.

Sirius ran a hand through his hair absentmindedly. Merlin, when had it gotten so long? "Well, I guess I was wondering if you would want to go with me."

She blinked again.

"I have to go, you know. Best man and all. But James, and Vanessa, too, really want you there."

"Why?"

"Well, everyone really wants to see you."

"No, I mean, why would I go?"

"Because everyone's really worried for you, Lily, and they want to know that you're going to be okay."

Her legs jerked out from beneath his hand, and for a moment Sirius heart dropped as he thought she was turning away from him. But then she swung herself up to a sitting position and scooted closer to him. She didn't look at him, though, and Sirius tried his best not to stare at the dark bruised that still peppered her frail body.

"Do you want me to go?" she asked in a small voice.

Sirius looked at her curtain of hair, wishing he could see her eyes. "Yes."

"Are you scared for me, too?"

He raised his hand to press it on top of one of hers. "Not as much today, but yes."

Her head drooped slightly. "I suppose I deserve that. I haven't exactly behaving very well lately, have I?"

Sirius shook his head obstinately and willed her to turn her head. "It's okay, love. Really, it is."

"N—"

"Yes, Lily." He gripped her hand. "It's fine. People shouldn't have to go through this, but they do, and the reason it's hurting you so badly is because you've got more love in you than most everyone else. So it's alright, Lily, really. I promise."

She edged close until her cheek was pressed against the top of his collarbone and her hair had infolded his left arm. "You haven't completely shattered."

No, he hadn't. "I guess it just hasn't sunk in yet."

She nodded against his shoulder but said nothing. He wrapped his arm around her. Minutes ticked by, and Sirius' heart began to pump a little faster. He had to keep her talking, had to keep her from falling back into catatonia or despair. He needed his wife back.

What to say, what to say…? Oh! Right.

"I told Dumbledore about Regulus."

"What?" Her head shot from his shoulder. "When?"

Sirius couldn't say anything; her eyes her wide and gazing up at him. Her big, big, green, lovely eyes, without a hint of grief or fear or pain in them. The air in his lungs had vanished somewhere. Out the window, maybe."

Lily nudged him impatiently in the thigh with the heel of her hand. "Sirius, explain."

"Well, Dumbledore knows."

"Yes, I got that bit. When did this happen?"

"While you were still in…" How not to make 'hospital' sound morbid? "Recovery. I tried to tell him, but he said he already knew."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, I know. Said he's known the whole time; apparently, he came to the same conclusion I had and figured Regulus was safer in Hogwarts than out."

Lily's mouth gaped in dumbfounded wonder. "Well, that can't have been all. What else did he say? Was he mad at you?"

"No, just disappointed that I didn't confide in him, I think. He said he understood about wanting to protect family. Didn't make me feel any less guilty, though."

Lily's mouth closed, but in the blink of an eye her eyes were wide with horror. "Sirius, your brother _is_ out of school now."

"So he is."

Her hands wrung together. It was a more frantic gesture then what pre-miscarriage Lily was prone to make, but it was very distinctly characteristic of her all the same. "So, what do you think? Do you reckon he's, oh, I don't know what to call it. Active, I suppose?"

"I don't know." Sirius really didn't want to tell his wife about how the thought of his brother's possibly involvement with what happened at the Ministry had haunted him for the last six weeks, especially when she was keen to discuss a topic that wasn't about her role in the loss of their son. "I really shouldn't have been surprised. About Dumbledore knowing, I mean. The man knows everything that goes on at that school."

The pale, grayish skin of Lily's forehead crinkled. "Oh, that's not necessarily true."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, he doesn't know about you and James and Peter being Animagi, does he?"

Sirius ran his hand up and down her side; he could feel her ribs, even through the old shirt she was wearing, "I don't know about that. I'd bet he does know; I think he's just waiting for us to come out with it ourselves. Display some strong moral character or something like that."

Lily shook her head, a long strand of hair tickling Sirius' elbow as she did. "No, I don't think so. If he knew, I'm sure Dumbledore would utilize you lot for the Order. You and James could use it to hide in plain sight during ward duty or something. And Peter's so tiny, he could sneak around, you know? Get information on the other side."

Sirius snorted in his attempt to suppress a guffaw. "Really, Lil? Peter? A spy? Please."

She leaned her head back against his shoulder. "I guess you're right." Then she lapsed into silence. Sirius twisted his head to follow her trail of vision to her bare ankles; one was a dark smudge of brown, while the other had faded to a light purple, still bright against her sickly skin. "I'll have to wear a long dress. To the wedding."

He gave her a measured squeeze. "You'll look lovely."

She reached up to brush her fingers along a lock of his hair, which was now falling well passed his shoulders. "And I'll have to cut your hair. If you tied it back you could be in a motorcycle gang."

She'd made a joke. Praise Merlin. Sirius chuckled and turned to press his face to her limp hair. He closed his eyes. "I've missed you, Lily Lou." Her arms went around his waist. "Please don't ever leave me."

Sirius heard the air whoosh from her mouth. "I won't," she said, her voice small again. "I am sorry." She wavered. "About…this." Sirius felt her gesture hopelessly to herself.

"Don't." He pulled her closer. "You're grieving."

"So are you."

"It's different, though. He was your son."

"He was your son, too."

Sirius' throat tightened. "I know." His eyes began to sting terribly, despite their being shut. "I know he was."

His body quivered. He couldn't tell if he was shaking or she was. Lily was saying something in a soft voice, but he couldn't hear her. Her hair was growing damper and damper. He didn't know when he'd begun to sob, or when they'd laid back on the bed, or when Lily had wrapped herself around him, but all at once that was what was happening, though Sirius was too lost to really bother caring.

So he cried. And he cried. And he cried. And she just held him.

* * *

_I'm sorry. I really am, but it had to happen for the rest of the story to go the way it does. As terrible of a thing that it was to write, I hope that you all think that I did it well. I've kind of been dreading this chapter since I started writing _Better Man_._

_The chapter title is _Razor_ by Foo Fighters._

_Thanks so much for the reviews. I'm glad some of you are so understanding. More would be nice, if I may be so bold._

_I'd meant to put this in the last note, but we are now in the last third of this story, so thank you, my darling readers, for hanging on for the last two years while I've slowly eeked it out to this point. I'd like to have the whole thing done within the next year. That being said, it'll probably be another month before I get anything up as August is generally a very hectic month for me._

_Til Next Time!_


	28. Not Nineteen Forever

**Disclaimer: I'm not nearly awesome enough to have a nickname as cool as "Jo."**

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Lily had decided that she hated weddings. They were absolutely superfluous and lasted much too long for something that could easily be over and done within ten minutes. And the receptions lasted an equally ridiculously long amount of time. All those people standing around, awkward, not knowing quite exactly how to behave. There was no need for such decadence. And yes, she knew she was being a hypocrite.

All and all, James and Vanessa's wedding was not altogether unlike her own on a whole. They had kept it relatively small and at James' home, although Lily knew through Sirius that James had hoped for an altogether larger affair to be made of it. Chock it up as another point to the Dark Side; the Order of the Phoenix was too scared to gather together in a fairly public place for more than fifteen minutes.

It was also considerably bigger than her and Sirius', though; a sizable chunk of the Order had turned out despite everything. Hagrid and Gideon Prewett were conversing rather animatedly near the punchbowl. Marlene and Fabian were huddled conspiratorously in the corner of the garden, while Frank and Alice appeared to be talking Mad-Eye Moody out of interrogating Vanessa's rather bewildered Muggle sister, and not without some difficulty. There were others, of course, but Lily was avoiding acknowledging them as thus far all the other guests had given her the same pitying look and made it very clear that they were offering their condolences. Even Alice. And every time, Lily grimaced politely and chugged down a mouthful of Meade when their backs had turned.

There was Vanessa, smiling so profusely with her arm looped though James'. God, she even looked just like Lily had when it had been her getting married. It was just so creepy. Merlin only knew what was going through James' head.

At that bitter thought, Lily looked up from her glass to see her husband slide into the vacant seat beside her. He tossed an arm over the back of her chair and looked at her expectantly.

Lily cocked a brow. "Ask me how I'm doing and I'll hex you."

Sirius chuckled darkly and pressed a kiss to the back of her head before taking a sip from her glass of Meade. "You're not drinking anything stronger?" he asked, staring down at the amber liquid.

She shook her head. "I didn't think it was the best idea just yet." He made an understanding sound in the back of his throat before taking another sip.

Lily leaned back against his arm, savoring the secure feeling he gave her. They had gotten better over the last week; they were talking more, and Lily spent less and less time in bed every day. There were almost returning to normal. Almost.

She rolled her head to look up at Sirius. "So what do you think of the newlyweds?"

Sirius set the glass down. "They're giddy as pixies."

Lily looked over at the bride and groom, who were chatting with Aberforth Dumbledore, and, sure enough, they were grinning like fools. "But, what do you think of them?"

"Meaning?"

"Do you think they'll make it?"

Sirius sighed and shook his newly-shorn hair back. "If you'd asked me that six, eight months ago, I have told you that they didn't stand a chance in hell."

"And now?"

"Now…I don't know, Lily. He loves her."

"And what about her?"

"Again, I don't know, Lil, I really don't. I honestly don't know her that well."

"What do you think of her, then?"

Sirius took another swig of Meade and replenished the glass as he thought of his response. "I think she's very introverted to begin with, but all thie insanity of being in our world has made her even more closed off. Who knows how long it'll be before we really start to get to know her."

"We haven't exactly made much of an effort, have we?"

Sirius acquiesced.

Lily turned in closer to him and said urgently in undertone, "She has to know, though, doesn't she? She has to know _why_ he got involved with her in the first place. Sirius, she would have known the first time she saw me."

"You're right, I guess."

"Then why on Earth has she stayed with him?"

Sirius raised a finger and tapped her on the nose. "I know what you're getting at." He tapped her again. "I thought about it almost immediately, if you'll recall."

"Well, then?" Lily asked breathlessly.

"I went to Dumbledore, of course. He had me tail her for awhile. James didn't know, obviously."

"And?"

He raised his empty hands. "Nothing. She's your average, run-of-the-mill twenty-eight-year-old Muggle paralegal. Or at least she was before James had her quit."

"You're sure?"

"Yep. She's no more a Death Eater than you are. And even if she was a spy it's kind of late to be doing anything about it now."

Lily shrugged and leaned closer to Sirius. They sat quietly for a few moments, and then Lily said, "It's just weird to think of James as married, you know?"

Sirius nodded and trailed his fingers down her arm. "Yeah. I can remember a time when I thought he'd wind up marrying _you_."

She poked him in the ribs. "Don't tease."

"I'm not."

Lily leaned back to look him in the eyes. "You never seriously thought I'd actually get with James, did you?"

He curled a tendril of hair that had come loose of her twist around his finger. "Sure I did. I needed something to be optimistic about back then, so I had faith that true love would prevail." Lily snorted. "Then I went and threw a spanner in everything." He gave Lily a squeeze. "I blame you."

Lily giggled and shifted into the crook of his arm before taking the glass from the table. "I've missed us like this."

Her hair fluttered as he sighed softly. "Me too."

"I just wish everyone would quit acting like I'm about to melt."

"Well, you were out of commission for a while there, Lil."

"I know."

"And for a while you were likely to melt."

"I know, Sirius."

"They all just care about you, you know?"

"I said I know, Sirius."

"Sorry."

"S'okay."

They lapsed into silence again. Lily fiddled with the glass of Meade while Sirius carried on rubbing her arm. The other guests continued to mill about. Then Sirius shifted and said, "Oh, that's it."

"What is?"

"Why they're getting married now."

"What?"

"Well, think about it. We're at war, and the lot of us are probably in the most danger of everyone in the country; it's kind of irresponsible to be pairing up and starting families right now. But the war is at a bit of an impasse; either it's going to start getting better, or things are going to get worse before they get better. Either way, if you're going to get married now'd be the time to do it."

"Huh. So, if you're to be believed, however you look at it, things are going to get better at some point."

"Optimist, remember?"

"Please." Then she sobered, if that were possibly. "So it would be ridiculous to start a family right now?"

He balked. "Well, yeah, Lil. Did you not hear my whole dissertation just now?"

"I did, but, I mean…Sirius."

He glanced around to see if anyone was watching them. "Lily, can we not talk about this right now, please?"

"No, you brought it up. We're talking about it."

Sirius sighed for the umpteenth time and pulled his arm from around his wife. He rested his elbows on the tabletop and buried his face in his hands. "Okay, Lily, it's like this: Things are bad right now. Not hopeless, but bad all the same. I mean, we can't hardly go out in public. I don't have a job."

"You had a job."

"Yeah, but the only way I'm going back to the Ministry is in handcuffs. Our side has got to get a lot stronger before we can even think about trying again."

She said nothing. Lily could feel her bones aching to shake and the familiar wetness forming in the corners of her eyes. No. She wasn't going to cry. Not here.

Sirius slouched back in his seat. "We've got time, Lily. We're nineteen. It's going to happen."

She sniffed. "If you say so."

He put his arm back around her. "Hey, it's alright." She nodded, hugging him around the waist and resting her check against his ribs.

They sat there together for a while, miserable. The other guests mingled nervously, glancing at the sky every few minutes. At the center of the garden was a cleared area that appeared to be a hopeful-looking dance floor, though the partygoers edged around it cautiously. It just wasn't the time for dancing, despite how eager James looked.

Sirius squeezed Lily's arm again and nudged toward a darkened corner of the garden. "I'm worried about Moony."

Lily looked harder, and sure enough there stood Remus Lupin in the furthermost boundary of the wards, smoking goblet in hand. She frowned. "You know weddings are hard for him. He's probably just as uncomfortable as we are."

Sirius shook his head. "Yeah, I get that, but he's been acting oddly for a while now. Since before you were in the hospital."

"What do you mean?"

"It's just…" Sirius huffed another sigh. "He's been really distant lately. Have you noticed that we hardly see him anymore?"

"Well, I haven't exactly been the best company of late."

"Even before that. I know we were all starting to hide out more, but outside of Order meetings and a handful of hospital visits can you recall seeing him this year?"

She thought for a second, then felt her eyes widening. "No. I can't."

Sirius scowled darkly. "And did you know that he never showed up at the Ministry?"

Lily twisted to look up at him. "Is that what this is about? You're angry at him for not being there? Sirius, it wouldn't have changed anything."

"Okay, yeah, I'm upset, but that's—"

"I was down before any of the Order showed up. His being there wouldn't have made a difference. You can't blame him for things that aren't his fault. And it's probably better that he was somewhere safe, anyway."

"Still." They looked back at Remus, who stood just as stoic as ever. "I'm telling you, Lily, there's something going on with him. I mean, look at him; it's one of his best friend's weddings, and he's just standing alone in the corner being asocial."

"Well, so are we."

A sour look appeared on Sirius' face. "That's different. We've been having a rough time of it."

Lily reached up to run her fingers through her husband's hair. "Well, evidently, so is Moony. Everyone is. You said it yourself, we're at a transitioning stage of this war; people are going to react differently. Instead of doing something big like getting married, he's keeping to himself more, and that's his prerogative. He'll come around sooner or later."

"I guess so," Sirius muttered.

They resumed watching the others. James was still grinning like an idiot. Vanessa was quietly making a show of handing her bouquet to Marlene, the only single woman in attendance other than her sister, while Fabian looked on with a curious gleam in his eyes. Maybe it was the dim lighting, maybe it was nostalgia, but Lily could have sworn she was watching herself floating around the garden in a wedding dress. She shivered.

She huddled closer to Sirius, who in return held her more tightly. "Do you really think they'll be okay?"

He leaned his head down to rest atop hers. "It'll all work out, Lil. Eventually. You'll see."

"I hope so, Sir, I really do."

* * *

_Well, I thought this would suffice, even though it is a bit of a filler. But even fillers can be important. I just can't seem to stop writing weddings and Christmases, can I? Anyway, I'm really interested to hear all of your opinions on Lily and Sirius' relationship. Am I writing them like a married couple? I think I am, but I'm not the most knowledgeable person when it comes to marriage. So._

_This chapter's title is _Not Nineteen Forever_ by The Courteeners, from their good album._

_Thanks for all the lovely reviews from last chapter. More please, if that doesn't sound too terribly snobbish. I've absolutely no idea when my updates will be coming, but they will be coming, rest assured. I'd also like to point out that this story is now officially past its two year anniversary. And to think, this time last year I had only just gotten around to killing James' parents. Good times, good times._

_Til Next Time!_


	29. Breed

**Disclaimer: Contrary to popular belief, I've never even been to England.**

* * *

They really were much too desperate a group to be considered celebrating, Sirius thought with a shudder. He was eerily reminded of holidays with his family as a child and teenager. Gross.

He had wanted to get a sizable group together to usher in 1980; they had all been underground for months now, and Lily had been acting so grim of late that he thought getting the old crowd together would do everyone some good. But that damn Comic Muse apparently had other ideas.

Marlene had graciously declined the invitation, opting instead to spend the evening with some guy (probably Fabian Prewett). Frank and Alice had been wrangled into visiting his parents, which was probably just as well. The week before they had sent a coded letter announcing her pregnancy, which, Sirius was sure, was what had sent Lily into her spell of sullenness. It wasn't that she wasn't happy for them, because he knew she was. Merlin's pants, she was Lily. The announcement had most likely reminded her that, for all intents and purposes, they should have just celebrated their son's first Christmas. He knew he had certainly thought about it.

Then there was Remus. Remus, Remus, Remus. Sirius was at the end of his rope where he was concerned. They'd seen him once since James and Vanessa's wedding, at Halloween, and they'd gotten one pitifully vague note from him on Sirius' birthday. Nothing else. He hadn't even responded to the invitation for New Years'. Something was definitely up, even Lily was admitting it. Sirius had gone to Dumbledore, his standard procedure for incidences with troubled friends, but the old wizard had just shrugged him off. Dumbledore might have been the greatest wizard in modern history, but sometimes he could be pretty damn irritating.

So that was how James, Vanessa, and Peter had wound up huddled around his fireplace at eleven-thirty at night, waiting for the decade to die. Had Sirius not been so distracted by the Remus predicament he might have been suspicious of Wormtail as well. Though he checked in more regularly than Remus and made more of a point of being involved, he still disappeared for weeks on end and deflected any attempts to discuss his life outside the Order. But he was Peter; he got freaky like that sometimes.

Then there were James and Vanessa. They were probably the reason Lily was hiding in the kitchen. She had made a big show of getting flour on nearly every clean surface in there and then insisted on cleaning it up the Muggle way. Having met her sister, Sirius couldn't help but worry that this wasn't some sort of psychological regression.

It wasn't that the Potters were annoying. On the contrary, they were always polite and happy and eager for company. But that was the problem, they reminded Lily too much of the way she and Sirius had been not even a year earlier, before their lives had been shattered and pieced back together. That, and the whole doppelganger thing really weirded her out even now.

James and Peter were embroiled in a game of Exploding Snap when Lily finally came out of the kitchen. Vanessa watched them with fascination, jumping back slightly and pressing a hand to her diaphragm at every _Boom!_ Sirius hoped Lily wouldn't try to clear the soot off their coffee table by hand.

She sat down next to him on the sofa, and he took her hand. It was cold as ice. Reaching back, Sirius tugged the afghan off the back of the sofa and draped it over his wife. She scooted closer and settled in under his arm.

James glanced up at them. "What took you so long, Lily?" he asked as he slapped a card down.

Lily shrugged. "Just wanted to do it the old-fashioned way, I guess."

He wrinkled his nose. "Why?"

"Nostalgia."

Vanessa leaned forward, eyeing the cards with hesitation. "I would have come and helped you if I had known you wouldn't be using magic, Lily."

"No, Vanessa, you're a guest. It's fine."

Vanessa sat back, pacified. Prongs and Wormtail carried on with their game. They, apparently, hadn't noticed the clippedness of Lily's voice, but Sirius had. He drew her closer.

"Did you send Moony that pudding?"

She nodded. Sirius shook his head. "You know, sometimes I wonder if he even gets those food packages."

"This one came back."

Sirius' throat dried. "What?"

She looked up at him, her green eyes flickering in the firelight. "It came back. I sent it out when Wormtail got here, and it came back a couple of minutes ago. I put it in the oven."

Sirius ran his free hand over his face. "Shit."

Lily's brows furrowed. "Sir, I'm starting to worry. I know I said to give him time, but this is so unlike him."

"What're you two talking about?" James asked, looking up from the game again.

Sirius' eye flicked back to Lily before he said, "Something's going on with Moony. Have you noticed anything, Prongs?"

He shook his head. "No, nothing out of the ordinary."

"Really, because we've only heard from him about four times in the last six months."

James sat his cards down, careful not to trigger an explosion. "Now that you mention it—"

"I noticed," Peter piped up. "I haven't heard from him hardly at all, either. And he's been really quiet at meetings, too. He just sits back in the corner."

"Have you gone to Dumbledore?" James asked.

Sirius' face darkened. "Of course. He said it was probably nothing and not to worry about it."

"Well, that's—"

"Infuriating?" Sirius spat.

Lily patted his hand, "If Dumbledore won't say, then it's probably something between him and Remus. Maybe he's got Remus doing something for him."

"Something he wouldn't tell his best friends about?" Peter squeaked.

Sirius rested his arm on his knee and his head on his hand. "This is ridiculous. As soon as the holidays are over, I'm going to suggest a meeting just to make sure everyone's okay. You know: show up, say hi, let us all know you haven't vanished from the face of the planet."

James and Peter nodded. Lily shifted beside him. "You know, Dumbledore's seriously considering officially declaring Caradoc missing. It's been a month and a half and nothing."

At that, James slapped his hand of cards down (Lily winced at the scorch mark) and sat back up on the loveseat beside his wife, who took his hand. Peter looked around nervously. Sirius turned to Lily. "You said you put Remus' pudding in the oven?"

"Yes."

"Do me a favor: Go take it out back and destroy it."

"Really now, Sirius."

"I'm being serious here, Lily."

"It's freezing out."

Sirius sighed and eased up from the sofa. "Fine, then I'll do it."

As Lily opened her mouth to protest, the clock struck twelve. Midnight. Well, the decade was over. Sirius could hear the _pop, pop, pop_ of firecrackers in the distance as the Muggles celebrated. James seized Vanessa and kissed her full on the mouth. Peter raised his wand and made a noise that was supposed to sound, as far as Sirius could tell, like a kazoo. Sirius turned back to Lily, who was staring up at him thoughtfully. He leaned down and gave her a small kiss.

She took his face in her hands. "Calm down, okay."

James cleared his throat across from them. Sirius turned around. "We've got some news," James said, putting his arm around the perpetually smiling Vanessa.

A chill spiked through Sirius' spine, though he didn't know why. He looked at James expectantly; his friend seemed to enjoy building the suspense.

"Yes?" Peter finally asked.

Quiet, quiet Vanessa smiled even wider. "We're pregnant!" James all but shouted.

Sirius went numb. It was Frank and Alice all over again. He knew that somewhere inside him he was delighted for them, but he couldn't feel it just yet. Luckily, Peter immediately accosted the Potters with congratulations, distracting them from Sirius' awkwardness. After mentally slapping himself, Sirius congratulated them as well.

He turned to Lily, who was sitting stone still where he had left her. Her face was white, whiter than normal, and he was shocked she hadn't cracked a knuckle for how tightly she had clenched her hands together. Lily must have noticed him staring because she smiled tightly and offered the Potters her short congratulations. Then she shot up from the sofa, the afghan sliding from her shoulders.

"I'll get some drinks, shall I?" she said, taking measured steps into the kitchen.

Sirius watched her go and turned back to the other three; they sat very still and precariously quietly, gawking at the kitchen door. A worried crease set in between Vanessa's eyebrows, just the same as Lily. Then, as a unit, they swung their heads around to gawk at him. Nope, he wasn't going to explain it to them.

"I'll go help her." They didn't say a word.

He found her hunched on the floor by the cabinets, hand over her mouth to muffle the choking sobs, and for a flash of a second he could see the sixteen-year-old girl that had sat with him up at the Astronomy Tower until three in the morning.

"Oh, Lily." He crossed the kitchen and crouched down beside her, pulling her to his chest and holding her tight as she tried to catch her breath. Sirius could hear the guests talking in the living room; James was particularly loud, probably trying to drown out any noise Lily might be making. Good man, that Prongs.

"I'm sorry," Lily hiccupped. "I'm so, so sorry."

"S'alright," he whispered. "I know, Lily." He shuffled her so that she was sitting between his legs. She muffled her face against his jumper.

"I can't – _hic_ – I just – _hic_ – don't know – _hic_ – not fair – _hic_." And then her voice evaporated as she gave up on controlling her sobs.

Sirius sat and held her, utterly miserable. He was glad he couldn't see Lily's eyes; that would be unbearable. The firecrackers were banging again outside, though this time Sirius could hear faint voices laughing and shouting and enjoying life. Young people like him, the only difference being that they didn't have to worry about murderer or miscarriage or manic depression. No, it was just him, sitting on the floor of his kitchen, dying slowly under the weight of it all.

Well, one thing certain; the eighties were going to be hell.

* * *

_So there we go. Another chapter. And here I thought it would take me about a month to get this thing down. I told ya'll things would be getting darker. If you'll recall, there's a scene in _Goblet of Fire_ in which Sirius explains to the kiddos what life was like when the war took a turn for the worse. That's going to be sort of the theme (mood? atmosphere?) for this last quarter of the story._

_The chapter title is _Breed _by Nirvana. I'm actually surprised that they haven't shown up before now, seeing as they're one of my favorite bands, but seeing how lyrically most of their songs are about hard drugs and how much Cobain hated his wife they haven't exactly fit with Lily and Sirius, you know? Oh well. They'll be featured exclusively in my next story._

_I've noticed something; the more often I update, the more reviews the lot of you leave. So I suppose it good for both of us that I've finished the next chapter and I'm knee deep in the one after. Expect chapter 30 to be up around this time next week. Who knows? I might get this sucker done by Christmas. Just don't hold me to that._

_Til Next Time!_


	30. Don't Go Away

**Disclaimer: There are many business ventures that I wish I'd had a part in: Starbucks, Amazon, Microsoft. Not so much Apple anymore, but you get the picture. Harry Potter most definitely makes the top of the list of things I wish I had stock or something in.**

* * *

Funerals. They were so, so much worse than weddings. It seemed as though they only left the house to go to funerals these days.

As Sirius put it, things were getting worse before they could get better. Caradoc Deerborn had been missing for four months. Benjy Fenwick had been blown up not too long ago. There had been a massacre out in Cheshire; the Order had provided security for the memorial. And two weeks before they'd gotten Dorcas Meadows' sister.

Now it was the Prewett boys' turn. Both of them. At the same time. Wrong, wrong, wrong. But they had gone down valiantly, so Lily had heard. Just as they would have wanted.

The service had been uncomfortable. Gideon and Fabian's awful old aunt had made a scene throughout the entire thing. Their poor sister had spent the service wrangling her five orange-haired boys while keeping the newborn quiet. Lily had passed the time watching Marlene; she had never seen her friend sit so still. Apparently, she and Fabian had been having a "thing" (her word), bless her heart.

Now, they were all milling about the graveyard post-burial. Lily hated that part the most, sticking the departed into the ground, never to be seen again. At least there had been bodies to bury this time; Fabian and Gideon never could stand to be apart for long.

No one seemed quite sure where to be. Marlene had vanished. The aunt was hobbling around snapping at mourners. Remus was stalking through the tombstones; Lily hoped Sirius didn't see him. That was a can of flobber worms no one needed opened at the moment. Dumbledore was talking to the Prewetts' mother and sister, and Frank with her husband, while the little boys played tag.

Alice hadn't come; she didn't really leave the house now that she was pregnant. James and Vanessa didn't attend funerals, or weddings, or what have yous, for the same reason. Obviously no one wanted a repeat of what had happened with Lily.

Lily wanted to leave. She'd been to enough of these things lately to know what conversations she'd be having, the _such a shame, such nice boys_es and the_ much too young_s and the _have to go even deeper underground_s. Ha. As if they could get do down any deeper. She wanted to find her husband and go home.

She came upon him standing behind a granite monument to a witch that had lived to be one-hundred and fourteen. His head hung low so that his long-again hair completely hid his face. He didn't hear her as she walked up

"Sir?"

The edge of his face peeked out from behind the curtain of hair. "Hmm?"

"I'm sick of this. You ready to go?"

He looked down again. "I…I just…hmm." He pressed his fingers to his temples.

Lily's bones shuddered. She could count on one hand the number of times she had seen him like this, none of which had been particularly pleasant: the Snape Incident, all that crap with Regulus, Mr. and Mrs. Potter dying, losing the baby….Quietly, she went to stand before him and took his hands.

"Hey. Talk to me. What's up?"

Sirius gave a rattling sigh and shook his head so that the ends of his shaggy hair pirouetted about his face. "I don't know, Lil. No, no," his voice sharpened. "I do know. And that's the problem."

She inclined her head. "Yes?"

"All through this funeral – and I know, I know, I should have been thinking about Gideon and Fabian – but the whole time I was thinking 'what if we're next?'

Lily's throat constricted painfully.

"Or," he continued in a rush, "or, what if just I die? Huh? What happens to you? Who's gonna take care of you and make sure you're safe? Who's gonna talk to you about things like your mom or the baby or how fucking miserable all of this is?

"Or," his voice grew dangerously quiet, "what if you die and I don't? What do I do then because, love, I really don't think I can do it. I think I'd have to kill myself."

"Don't say that!" she interjected sharply.

"It's the truth! Lily, we've got to talk about this. Voldemort's picking us off, and, baby, I don't think we have a chance if he comes for us."

Lily's hands were throbbing from how tightly Sirius was gripping them. She was frozen where she stood, the cold air stinging the tears threatening her eyes. Was he trying to scare her?

"So what are you saying?" she whispered.

Sirius took a step back so that he was completely in the shadow of the monument. His breath came out as a pale fog. "I'm saying that maybe it's time for us to consider our options."

"Such as?"

"Running." The word hung in the air like a bloody oath. "We could do it, Lily, we could leave and wait until it's all over. We wouldn't have to cower in our own home anymore and only come out when someone's died."

"Sir—"

"I mean it, Lily! I really do. I can't live like this anymore. I can't ta—" He choked as he dissolved into sobs.

Lily lurched forward instinctively and wrapped her arms around Sirius. He crushed her to him and nuzzled his damp face into her hair. Lily laid her head in the crook of his neck.

She'd expected this to happen at some point. In the middle of the graveyard following two of their friends' funerals? No. The concept of a joint funeral hadn't even occurred to her until Fabian and Gideon had passed. But eventually she knew that this discussion was going to happen, ever since he'd told her he'd quit Auror training. And, given the time that had passed since, she'd been able to formulate her response.

Sirius' sobs quieted to sniffles after a time. The granite of the monument scrapped Lily's knuckles as she trailed her fingertips along the back of his neck.

"Sirius?" she whispered

He didn't respond, but she knew he was listening.

"Do you really think we could do it? Do you think we could get away without being followed?"

His voice was horribly hoarse. "I think we'd have a hell of a better chance running than if we stayed here and waited for him to come for us."

She was quiet then, giving him time to calm down a little more before getting into the looming debate. Finally, his sniffles subsided, and he just stood there holding her quietly. When the minutes ticked by and he still made no move to say anything Lily pulled away from him slowly and cupped his wet face in her hands.

"Sirius, I want you to stay quiet for a bit, alright, because I've thought this through and I know how I feel about this."

Lily could hardly see him in the shadow, just the glint of his gray eyes in the pale sunlight. She slid her palms down his face and neck until they rested on his chest. Breathe in, breathe out.

"When I married you." She stopped and drew in another breath. "When I married you, I promised I would follow you wherever life takes you. And I mean to keep that promise. So, if you want to leave, I'll go with you, and I'll stay with you until you're ready to come back."

He lifted one of her hands to his mouth to kiss its heel. "Thank you."

She shook her head as if she hadn't heard him. "But I don't think that's what you really want."

He dropped her hand. "Of course I want to leave. What the hell, Lily? I've told you, I've explained exactly why—"

"I know." She pressed her hands more firmly against him. "Let me finish. I know you, Sirius. You're a worrier. If we leave, all you'll do is worry about everyone we'd left behind, and, frankly, I'm not sure I can deal with you like that."

"That's not—"

"And what if someone dies?"

She could see his jaw clench in the dim light, but she knew she had to let the point hit home. "What about Peter? Or Frank? Remus?" Sirius' neck jerked painfully. "What about James and Vanessa? Sirius, if they die and we're hiding out in Greece or wherever you'll never forgive yourself, and I'm not prepared to let you live like that."

Sirius' shoulders slumped. He swayed slightly and stumbled forward to envelope her again. Lily wrapped her arms around his waist while he tangled his fingers in her already wind-knotted hair. Breathing was becoming difficult; why had she imagined this would be easier?

"But what if something happens to you?" Her hair muffled his voice. "Losing you would be so much worse than losing any of them."

"I knew the risk when I joined up with the Order." Merlin, how she felt like shattering. "We both did."

Sirius made a noise like he was trying to swallow something thick. "We could try for another baby," he offered weakly. "If we go."

She froze against him. For all her considerations she had never thought about that. It could change everything. An image flashed briefly before her eyes: the two of them somewhere warm and coastal with a black-haired, emerald-eyed child in her arms. Maybe even two, if the war went on long enough. Oh, how she ached for it. But just as quickly as the image appeared it vanished again, leaving her empty once again with tears prickling her eyes.

"We'd still be hiding," she croaked, "even if it was somewhere else. And with a baby we'd be even jumpier and suspicious than we are now, no matter where we'd be. It wouldn't be fair to us and it certainly would be fair to our child. That's why we decided not to try again right now in the first place."

From the stiffness of his body, Lily could tell her words hurt her husband as much to hear as they had from her to say. But he slowly, silently relented and gave a shuddering sigh. "I guess we have to stay, huh?"

Lily said nothing. He leaned back to hold her at arms' length. "Okay. Okay. We'll stay. But in a couple of months if things aren't any better then we'll go to, I dunno, Tibet or somewhere."

She tilted back into him and buried her face against his chest. The tears she'd been trying to hold in leaked down her cheeks.

"You're a good man, Sirius."

He snorted.

She gripped him tighter. "No, you are. And I'll be alright. Nothing's going to happen to me."

"You say that now," he muttered darkly.

It was all of a sudden too much. Sirius crying and the chill of March and the sodding graveyard. Lily couldn't stand another minute of it.

"Can we go home now, please?"

Sirius stooped to kiss her forehead. She took his hand again and dragged him from the shadow of the granite monument, leading him through the maze of tombstones.

* * *

_Good God, that was chapter 30. Thirty! Can you believe it? I know I said when I first started writing this that there'd be more than thirty chapters, but writing them is an entirely different thing from planning them. It's one of those odd, unreal feeling when you're not sure if you should feel accomplished or not. And I never imagined this story would get so morbid, either. Oh well._

_The chapter title is _Don't Go Away_ by Oasis._

_Thanks so much for the reviews and favorites and alerts. This story has 100+ alerts now. This is my first really big story so I don't know if that's something to celebrate or not, but I think it is. And I'd also like to thank the two C2s that have added this story. Have I thanked you yet? Well, if so, thank you again! Honestly, with this fic being as out there as it is, I never imagined I'd get such as response. It warms my heart._

_I've finished the next chapter and should have up about this time next week, and I'm working on the intro to chapter 32 as well. I'll probably get a good chunk of it done tomorrow. Can you believe how effiecient I'm being? I just might finish this sucker after all._

_Til Next Week!_


	31. Here Is Gone

**Diclaimer: Thank God J.K. Rowling isn't Anne Rice, otherwise I wouldn't even be allowed this.**

* * *

Lily really, really hated being the only attached woman in her circle of friends that wasn't expecting a child or in some other way incapacitated. It meant that a string of unexpected duties that she neither knew of nor wanted suddenly fell to her to complete. Checking up on Vanessa, for example.

James and Sirius couldn't do it as Dumbledore had sent them, being ex-Auror trainees, up north to look into something or the other that had been deemed "suspicious," which explained why Vanessa had been left alone to begin with. Peter was dealing with his mother, and Remus…well. And Marlene had wanted to be left to herself since the Prewetts had passed.

She might have been in better spirits about it had Frank Longbottom not arrived banging at their door at four in the morning. He had been in an excited, slightly panicked frenzy, as most new fathers are, as he announced the arrival of his and Alice's little son, Neville, six hours before. Of course, they had been happy for them, but, as Sirius had so eloquently put it, "Couldn't he have waited until the ruddy sun was up?"

And thus babysitting had fallen to Lily. Despite all the sophisticated wards James had placed around his home, he was still paranoid about leaving his wife alone for more than a half hour. Lily muttered darkly to herself as she tromped up the dewy path to their house; hadn't she made it perfectly clear that everyone else having children was hard on her? And now she was to spend the day with a heavily pregnant skewed image of herself.

She stopped at the front door and paused before knocking. What if she was asleep; Merlin only knew that she preferred Vanessa unconscious. Even if she wasn't asleep, it'd be rude to make her get up, pregnant as she was. Surely James had told her Lily was coming; should she just walk in?

Lily's fist was frozen two inches from the door when it opened, revealing first an almost perfectly rounded belly and then Mrs. Potter herself. She smiled in that quiet way of hers.

"I say you walk up. Come on it."

Lily fought the blush she could feel creeping up her neck and walked over the threshold. Vanessa closed the door softly behind her and gestured vaguely to another room. "James made some tea, if you're thirsty."

Lily promptly shook her head. "That's alright, thanks."

The last time she had been in the Potters' was at their wedding almost a year before. In fact, she'd made a point not to come around; James and Vanessa disturbed her enough before, but now that they were having the baby she desperately wanted she could barely stand them. She didn't mean to be cruel, but it was just the way it was.

Vanessa led her to a sitting room off of the entry. Lily sat uneasily in what looked suspiciously like one of Dumbledore's chintz armchairs as Vanessa eased herself down onto the sofa that she had obviously vacated to welcome Lily. She reached for a mound of blue yarn on the armrest that she appeared to be knitting into a blanket. Lily's heart seized.

"You're having a boy, then?" she choked.

Vanessa lowered her eyes demurely to her needles. "James seems to think so"

The clock on the mantle ticked loudly. Somewhere in the distance a clap of thunder rumbled. Lily tried to think of something to say, but the woman was almost a stranger to her. For the first time she found herself wishing James' wife was more talkative.

"I suppose you've heard about Frank and Alice," she finally said.

Vanessa nodded, her eyes never leaving her knitting. "Oh, yes. It'll be nice to have little ones so close in age. They can go to school together."

Lily's heart broke all over again. She'd never considered play dates.

But Vanessa wasn't quite finished. "I just wish James wouldn't worry so much about me. I'm not due for another three weeks, and he's already panicky."

"He doesn't want you to end up like me," Lily growled without thinking. Her jaw clamped shut.

Vanessa stopped knitting and stared at her hands. Lily looked pointedly out the window at the gloomy sky, dark for nine in the morning. This was exactly why she hadn't wanted to come.

"Lily, may I ask you something?" Vanessa asked quietly from the sofa.

Lily fought off a sigh and nodded. "Sure."

She fiddled with her yarn. "What would your son's name have been?"

Her throat constricted tightly, but Lily managed to croak, "Castor." She breathed in quickly through her nose. "His name was Castor."

Vanessa continued twisting the yarn. "Oh."

Some part of Lily she really didn't want to explore begged her to keep talking. "Sirius' family all name their kids after stars, so…."

Vanessa fixed her pale eyes on her. "That's beautiful."

Lily nodded and gripped her hands in her lap. Oh, how she wanted to go home, to crawl into bed and pull the covers over her head and pretend it had never happened.

The other woman gathered up her yarn and set it aside. She placed her hands on her rounded stomach and leaned forward as best she could. "I'm afraid you think me a fool, Lily."

Lily's head snapped up. "What?

For once, Vanessa didn't look sheepish. "I think you don't understand me very well, and because of that you assume that I must be very naïve for placing myself in this position."

"I…well…well, that's not—"

Vanessa raised a hand. "It's alright, Lily. If I were you and you were me – well, we probably wouldn't be sitting here like this for one thing – but I would be, um, off-put, shall we say? I'd be off-put, too."

Lily could feel herself shaking her head. "I don't—"

The other woman smiled hesitantly. "You think I'm crazy for staying with James."

Lily couldn't speak.

Vanessa continued to smile. "I can't say I blame you." She sunk back into the sofa. "I've never been the most extroverted person. In fact, I've never been extroverted at all. I was painfully shy as a child; other than my sister, I never really had any friends. At university I kept my head down and after it took a job where I really just had to run around doing as I was told. I've always been good at that.

"I've had trouble been around men especially. I was always so nervous of male professors and employers. I suppose it's got something to do with never knowing my father, but that's a story for a different day.

"But then I met James. And he was so different. He actually wanted to get to know me. And every ounce of sense I've got told me that he was wrong for me; I mean, I'm almost a decade older than him and his job at the time and _magic_, but I couldn't help it. He made me feel special."

Lily wasn't at all sure she wanted to be hearing this.

Vanessa pushed on. "All he would ever talk about was his friends. Peter and Remus and Sirius. And you. Especially you and Sirius. The way he would talk about you...Well, I was very excited to get to know all of you. I finally had someone, you know; that's why I agreed to move in with him so quickly. I wanted to share everything with him.

"And then I saw you for the first time."

A chill shivered up Lily's spine. She gripped the arms of the chair and leaned forward. "Vanessa, I'm so sorry if I offended you that night. I was just so shocked."

The other woman smiled even wider. "No, no, no. I was shocked, too."

"You hid it well."

She ducked her head. "I've always thought that if you act like everything's alright, it will be." Her smile faltered slightly. "The second I saw you, Lily, everything made sense. Why he was so enthusiastic when he talked about you. Why he wanted to move so fast. Why he wanted me."

A surge of pity such that she had never felt before rushed through Lily. "Vanessa…" she whispered.

But Vanessa shook her head. "No, Lily, please. It's okay. It's just been…difficult, with him." She picked at the fabric cloaking the swell of her stomach. "After I first met you, I realized that he was looking at me and seeing you."

Lily's jaw trembled. "Then for God's sake, Vanessa, _why_? Just…why? Why did you stay?"

She kept her eyes focused on her stomach. "I had to believe that he could love me, too. And after a while he did. He does. It's just that I think some part of James is still stuck on you. You know, he used to get so confused and call me by your name." She smoothed her hand along the curve of her stomach.

"He still does sometimes. Every once in a while."

Lily gaped. She drew her feet up under her and wrapped her arms around her knees.

"There is the resemblance, though," Vanessa mumbled.

"Vanessa," Lily choked, fighting back the tears. "Vanessa, I'm so sorry. I swear to you, I never did _anything_ to make him think that I would give him a chance. I mean…I really thought he was over this, over me. After we got engaged… my God, Vanessa, I married his best friend. It's always been Sirius."

Vanessa was shaking her head again. She held up her hands for Lily to stop. "No, Lily, don't. None of this is your fault at all. I don't blame you for anything. James has his problems, but that doesn't mean you have to take responsibility for them, even if they do concern you."

Lily couldn't stand how calm Vanessa was being. If her husband had feelings for another woman, Lily would have flayed them both. "But, James…."

Pale green eyes looked up timidly at Lily "James has lost a lot, Lily. I think, I mean, I wasn't there, but I think losing his parents really scrambled up James' head. Emotionally, he tries to go back to the person he was before they died, and, if what I've gathered is correct, that person, that boy, was a little obsessed with you."

A little? Lily wondered exactly how much Vanessa knew about their school lives. She took a deep, shaky breath. "James loves you, Vanessa. I've never seen him as happy as he's been since he met you. Even if he does have some, er, residual feelings for me, they're nothing compared to you. And his feelings for me were never real to begin with; he created this idealistic illusion of what being with me would be like, and reality never seemed to quite measure up."

Vanessa nodded and gave Lily a watery smile "Thank you, Lily. Really. I'm so sorry for unloading all of this on you. It just that I've been carrying this around with me for so long and I didn't still want to be holding onto it when the baby is born. I haven't meant to upset you."

Another clap of thunder echoed in from the outside, louder and closer than before. Lily wiped her eyes hastily. "No, Vanessa, I'm sorry. I've been so cold to you from the beginning. You should have been able to talk to me about this. We were just terribly suspicious of you for a while, but even after, with the baby—" Lily broke off and slammed a hand over her mouth to keep in the sob. She scrunched her eyes together, trying to fight back the tears.

Something cool and unsettlingly familiar enveloped her hand. She opened her eyes to see a slightly tanner replica of her hand grasping her own. She brushed away the tears again as Vanessa gave her a squeeze. She silently offered her a handkerchief, which Lily readily dabbed under her eyes. Vanessa let go of her hand and leaned back into the sofa.

"Lily, I feel like I need to apologize again. We all should have been a little more understanding of you and Sirius, especially James and me. I can't even imagine….I'm sorry if I've flaunted this baby in front of you, I'm very, deeply, sorry. It wasn't my intention."

Lily shook her head adamantly and raised her hands in a weak gesture. "No, I shouldn't have carried on the way I have. I'm really happy, for the both of you. It's just a little hard sometimes."

Vanessa nodded and folded her hands on her stomach. "I understand. You're a good person, Lily, really, and someday you'll be a wonderful mother. That's why I'd like you to be the godmother."

Lily's mind blanked. Godmother? She hadn't even thought about the subject of godparents when she had been pregnant. "But…" she fumbled. "I….Your sister?"

Vanessa bit her lip. "My sister…she won't be in the position to look after a child any time in the foreseeable future. And James and I have talked about this; we'd like you and Sirius to be the godparents. James is supposed to talk to Sirius at some point in the next few days."

"I…" Lily was at a loss as to what to say. Another thunderclap sounded, this time preceded by lightning. The pitter patter of rain drops danced on the roof. Not having the words, Lily finally stumbled up from her chair and leaned over Vanessa to give her a hug. The other woman's arms, thin despite her pregnancy, slid around Lily's shoulders.

Pulling back, Vanessa asked, "So, can I take that as a yes?"

Lily nodded. "Yes, you can." Vanessa pulled her into another hug. After a moment, Lily pulled away. "And don't worry; I'll let James talk with Sirius before I say anything."

Vanessa smiled her small smile. "I'm so glad. I'd been thinking about that so much lately; now everything is taken care of for before the baby comes."

The rain picked up, splattering against the windows. Foggy shapes swirled around in the blur out of the corner of Lily's eye. One had to love English weather. Lily shook the thought away and focused again on Vanessa. "So now you'll j—"

Then the house exploded.

* * *

_Howdy. I'm so terrribly, terribly sorry it took me so long it get this up, but I've had some unforeseen complications in my private life over the last few weeks and I just didn't have the energy to transfer this chapter into type. I apologize; I hope ya'll didn't think there'd been an accident or something. And after making you wait something like two extra weeks I end it on a cliffhanger, too. I really must be a bitch. But Vanessa, oh Vanessa! I'm so glad I finally got to really write her. All she's done is sit in the corner until now. Is she what you had imagined? Dear little thing that she is, I hope you liked her._

_This chapter's title is _Here Is Gone _by The Goo Goo Dolls. If I'm not mistaken, though there is always the possibility that I am, this is the last time they will be used in this story. That's how close to the end we are. Scary, isn't it?_

_I've had the next chapter written for nearly a month now, but it's so friggin' long that I'm not sure whether or nor I'll have it up by next weekend. Definitely sometime in October though. And I've started the chapter after that already as well. You know, for a while there I was so far ahead in my writing than I was my posting that I got a kind of literary vertigo, if you know what I mean. I think that's part of the reason why it took me so long to update. Anyway._

_Til Next Time!_


	32. Brendan's Death Song

**Disclaimer: Yes, the rumors are true: I own nothing. Not even the pencil and notebook I use to write this thing.**

* * *

Lily was first aware that she couldn't breathe. A woody cloud engulfed her lungs, muffling her already foggy brain. Then the blissful numbness that had overcome her body dissipated, and it felt like her leg had shattered. She tried to scream, but the smoke only settled deeper into her lungs.

She couldn't see. Something heavy was pressing down on her abdomen. What had she been doing? She remembered talking with Vanessa, something about a godmother. And then… And then…

Vanessa. Where was she? She had been sitting right next to her. Was she stuck, too? She was too pregnant to be wherever it was they were. Lily shuffled, trying to move, but something rough and jagged rubbed the skin from her cheek, causing her to gasp and inhale even more smoke.

Dizziness and nausea threatened to overwhelm her. Disoriented as she was, Lily knew she was dying, and, oddly enough, she wasn't all that concerned by that prospect. The part of her that cared about life, about Sirius and the Potters and the Longbottoms and everyone else, was strangely silent. It was so much easier just to fade.

The world around her sizzled. Lily wiggled her hip and something beneath her cracked. Something painfully bright peeked out through the darkness. Some sort of muffled noises battled their way through the fog to reach her ears. Then the world started shifting.

Excruciating pain seized Lily as her fragile body was shuffled about. The last time she had felt such paralyzing agony Antonin Dolohov had been jeering over her. More light, such irritating, hurtful light. The noises grew louder and louder, then all at once a rush of sweet oxygen barreled down her windpipe.

She cried out as the hand of God heaved her out from her smoking crypt. Her ears rung. There was a big, giant, gruff shout.

"—und one of 'em!" Nope, not God. Hagrid, maybe?

Cool liquid sprinkled her face and the ringing in her ears lessened. Lily began to make out blurred shapes against the gray light blinding her eyes.

A pair of arms seized her, pulling her up from the wreckage. Lily thought she might have screamed again, but she couldn't be sure. She was pressed against something warm. There was some more shouting she couldn't quite make out, and then the world collapsed in on itself again.

For an instant she was back in that airless black hole, and when she could breathe again she was somewhere very bright and very warm. She could feel the rumble of whomever was holding her's chest as he yelled. Then she was being jostled around again. The warmness pressing against her front was replaced by softness on her back as the shapes and colors whirled before her eyes.

Merlin, her head ached. Lily had the oddest sensation, as though she were flying. Lord, how she hated flying. Maybe if she just closed her eyes for a second she could clear away the fuzziness that had set into her brain. Just for a second…

When she opened her eyes again Lily had no earthly idea where she was, an occurrence that happened much too often for her liking. She was lying on a very soft bed in an immaculately white room. Oh, crap. She'd been here before.

Lily struggled to sit up, but a pair of familiar hands pushed her back down. "Easy, Lily."

She shoved at the hands and continued inching up the bed. "Let me up. I'm alright."

She was not alright (her head was pounding like mad), but Sirius relented and propped her up on the pillows. Lily looked up at him, marveling at the clarity of her vision. Sirius' face was as pale and gaunt as she'd ever seen it, except for the smudge of soot along his right jawbone. His bloodshot eyes never left her face.

When she was settled he sat on the edge of her bed and gripped her hands. "Do you remember what happened?"

Lily thought for a second and brought a hand to the back of her head. It was still sore. "I…I was sitting with Vanessa. We were talking about the baby and then…I can't…"

Sirius squeezed her fingers. "It's okay. I wouldn't expect you to remember that part." He released one of her hands and rubbed his eyes. "They blew up the house, Lily. I mean, it's gone. There's nothing left but rubble."

Her stomach clenched. She'd been afraid of that. "How're Vanessa and the baby?"

Sirius sighed. "I don't know. Peter's been doing his best to run between the two of you, but there hasn't been much to say. It took them so long to find her, it's a miracle she's even alive."

"But she'll be alright, won't she?"

His eyes clouded over; they could have cried blood for how red they were. "Lily, I have no idea. According to Peter, she was in really bad shape. She's a Muggle, you know, so a lot of our medications won't work on her." He broke off for a second. "James is with her," he whispered.

Lily closed her eyes and leaned back into her pillows. How had thus happened? It was last July all over again, but this time with James and Vanessa as the victims.

"You should have stayed with them, Sirius. I'm fine. Everything feels usable."

Sirius shook his head quickly. "You should have seen yourself when we got here. There was this massive chunk of wood stuck in your leg and your head was leaking blood from all kinds of places. They were worried for a bit there." He put his head in his hands as his voice cracked. "You really scared the shit out of me."

Lily pressed her hand against his back and pulled him forward so that his head was buried into her neck. She made soft, shushing noises when he choked again. "But I'm okay. I'm fine."

"I know that," he whispered into the curve of her collarbone. "No thanks to me."

Lily's face twisted at that and she pushed him back to look into his eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Sirius' eyes darkened almost to black. "That thing in Edinburgh we went to check out?"

She nodded.

"Nothing. Nothing at all. The whole thing was a distraction so he could come after you."

"What? He…" Lily put a hand to her mouth. "Voldemort?"

"We think so."

"He was there? Oh my…" Lily's hand quivered against her lips.

Sirius nodded grimly. "He's the only one even remotely capable of breaking through all the wards James had put, besides Dumbledore of course."

Lily squeezed her eyes shut and splayed her hand across her face. Three times. That demon of a man had come after her three times now. Well, twice really, but she'd been desperately injured at the Ministry so it counted. Maybe she and Sirius should have left…

"We've got to go check on Vanessa," she said, peeling her hand from her face.

"Lily—"

"I'm fine, Sirius! I feel just fine. Only a headache."

Sirius shifted back so that he was sitting back on his corner of the bed. "Alright, we'll go, _if_, and this is a big if, if your Healer approves."

Lily crossed her arms over her chest, not caring how childish she felt. "Fine. Where is he?"

"He came in a bit before you woke up. Said he'd be around again in a little while."

Lily sat back on her pillows and closed her eyes again. "Great." The dull pain in the back of her neck flared suddenly; she winced and shifted her head in a vain attempt to ease the shooting pain.

Sirius took her hands again. "Head still hurting?"

"Yep." She ran her fingers along his knuckles. "Your hands are cold." Lifting one of his hands by the wrist, Lily pressed his palm to the curve of the back of her head.

"Better?" he smirked.

"Mmhmm."

His voice took a hard note. "Maybe you should stay in bed."

She opened one eye to glare at him.

They waited quietly as the minutes ticked by. Part of Lily was incredibly impatient for information on her new friend, but for the most part she was enraptured by the pounding in the back of her head, which was progressively growing worse. Didn't they have some sort of magical cure-all for head injuries?

Then, at long last, the Healer stepped through the door, a stack of parchment tucked under his arm. His shoulders drooped slightly and purplish bags cupped his eyes.

"Busy day?" Lily asked sympathetically.

The Healer sighed. "Actually, today has been fairly slow. Comparatively, of course." He riffled through the parchment before pulling out a sheet. "But you, ma'am, have been very lucky. Pretty damn miraculous, even. The whole house came down, you said?" he asked, turning to Sirius, who nodded. The Healer shook his head. "These people, I swear to Merlin." He looked back at Lily. "Is anything still painful?"

"Her head's been bothering her pretty badly," Sirius interjected. Lily would have rolled her eyes at him had she not thought it might give her vertigo.

"Humph," the Healer responded. He pulled out his wand and touched its tip to the side of Lily's head. "Let's try this."

A cooling sensation spread across Lily's skull from the spot the wand tapped. The pain eased to a dull ache. Rubbing the back of her neck, Lily looked up appreciatively at the Healer. "Thanks."

"It's my job," he shrugged as he consulted the parchment once more. "Now, from what I can see you've been fixed up pretty well. Your leg might be a little tender, but we mended it splendidly. Your head…well, we already did that. Oh, and we fixed your face, too."

"My face?" Lily squeaked, touching her nose.

"Oh yes, it was shredded."

Lily's mouth gaped and she turned to Sirius. "Later," he muttered.

"Now, everything looks in order," the Healer continued, "but, just to be safe, because of the head injury, I'd like you to stay for the night."

Lily nodded. "Please, sir, the woman I was with, Vanessa Potter, how is she?"

"Potter," the Healer murmured, flicking through his parchment at an abnormally quick speed. "Potter…Potter…no, no Potter in here. They must still be working on her, if she was in the collapsed house."

"She was," Lily affirmed grimly. "Do you think it would be alright if we went and sat with her husband? I feel just fine."

"Of course, of course," he nodded. "Just make sure to speak up if anything starts hurting again."

A rush of relieved air escaped Lily's lips. "Thank you.'

The Healer nodded again and was gone. Lily turned back to her husband, who was already on his feet. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood. For a fraction of a second the world spun, causing Lily to reach out aimlessly with her right hand. Sirius grabbed her elbow as everything slid back into focus.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Lily ignored him. "Where did Peter say they have her?"

Sirius sighed but silently refused to let go of her arm. "Top floor."

She tugged at his grasping fingers until his hand slid into hers. "What are we waiting for?"

St. Mungo's was a wonderful, godsend of a facility, but it fell short in the fact that it had no lifts. Walking up the seemingly endless flights of stairs to the fifth floor with Sirius, the ache in Lily's leg worsened into an almost-seize. Sirius noticed when she began to grimace and wrapped an arm tightly around her waist, at times almost dragging her up the stairs. When they finally reached the top floor Lily leaned heavily against the nearest wall, her breath coming in wheezes. Sirius moved to stand in front of her, gripping her shoulders.

"Lily, you're not alright."

"Well, I'm not going back down all those stairs," she huffed. "Let's just find Peter and I'll sit down."

The harrowed look in Sirius' eyes didn't disappear. He reached around her to clutch her waist. She leaned heftily against him as they navigated their way through the winding halls of the fifth floor. Her breathing grew more laborious with each step; Sirius held her that much more tightly. All at once, they turned a corner and there was Peter.

He squeaked in shock. "Sirius!" Almost comically, he swung around to look at the red-head. "Lily! Are you alright?"

"She's peachy," Sirius growled as he waved Peter out of his chair. Lily almost fell into it and shoved her head between her knees. She'd begun to wonder whether she'd hurt her ribs. Sirius' hand rubbed soothingly up and down her spine.

"So, she'd not okay?" Peter asked.

Sirius' hand left her back, and Lily heard a series of scuffling noises. "She's getting there," Sirius responded.

Lily sat up slowly, the blood in her midsection drumming painfully against her skin. Yep, definitely the ribs. She pressed one hand to her diaphragm while the other swept the hair from her eyes. Now she could see that someone (Sirius) had conjured chairs for himself and his friend. "How is she, Wormtail?" she rasped.

Peter's eyes were extra watery that day. "I'm not sure. Not good, I think. James is in there with her; he said they're trying everything they can."

"And the baby?"

He looked down at his trainers. "I think James is more focused on Vanessa tight now." Peter's pointed nose twitched. "That's all I know, sorry."

Lily sighed heavily and leaned her head back against the wall. Sirius tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Do you want to go lie down?"

She tilted her head to gaze at him beside her. "I'd just be even more worried. I'm better off here."

The corners of his mouth turned up, and he pressed a kiss to her temple.

The hours that followed were a splicing of the two worst nights of Lily's life. As with when James' parents had been killed, Peter and Sirius passed the time angrily pondering how Voldemort could have gotten through James' extensive warding. And though she had been unconscious when they had brought her into St. Mungo's the last time, she had heard enough about it to know that Sirius had spent hours waiting in the hall, maybe even this hall, not knowing whether she would live or die. He was still ghostly white; Lily knew of nothing she could say that would force away the nightmarish memories, so she simply rested her hand on his arm as he debated with Peter, reminding him that she was there.

The hours crept on and on. The pounding rain of the thunderstorm slapped against the roof. And still they heard nothing. No news was good news, Lily supposed.

Sirius was growing heavy with exhaustion beside her. Though it was still early afternoon, he had been up half the night coordinating his and James' excursion in Scotland. He had begun to yawn widely and appeared to be half ignoring Peter's persistent babbling. Though she understood the other man's need to talk through the worry, Lily wished Peter would quiet down a little. She was just about to pull Sirius' head to her lap when a rushed and rain-soaked Remus Lupin hurled himself around the corner.

"Are they alright?" he gasped, clutching a stitch in his side. "Am I too late?"

Sirius was on his feet in an instant, all thoughts of tiredness cast aside. "What are you doing here?" he demanded.

"I—"

"Where have you been?"

"Padf—"

"What makes you think you have any right to be here?"

"I heard they attacked James' house!" Remus shouted over Sirius. "I got here as fast as I could. Are they okay? Can I see them?"

"Can you see them?" Sirius seethed. "_Can you see them?_ You've had months to see them, Lupin! But you vanished off the face of the planet! You shouldn't even know about it!"

"Dumbledore, he told me—"

"I don't care!" Sirius bellowed. "I don't fucking care! You left us, Remus, you left us and we've been worried sick about you! But you didn't care! Forget the friends who've risked life and limb for you, forget that we're fighting a war, forget everything; you decided to completely pull away from us!"

Lily sat immobilized in her chair. She'd seen Sirius angry before, God only knew how quick a temper that man possessed, but never like this. Across from her, Peter shook quietly, trying not to cry. Lily's heart went out to him.

"Sirius," Remus' voice was a dangerous low Lily had never heard before. "I've had my reasons for not being around. You don't have the right to accuse me of anything, and you certainly don't have the right to do it here."

"I don't have the right?" Lily shuddered at how lethal her husband sounded. "You come back after seven months of no contact and expect me to act like everything's okay? You think you have as much right to be here as we do?"

Both men began to holler unintelligibly at each other. Lily watched silently, helpless against their rage. She agreed with Sirius; Remus did have it coming, but she only wished it didn't have to happen then.

Then Sirius reared back as though to strike the werewolf. Lily's mind flashed for second to sweet, passive Vanessa perched on her sofa with her hand on her rounded stomach, and suddenly she found herself on her feet, enraged.

"Hey!" she screamed. "Stop it! Stop it right now!"

The men froze, Sirius' arm swinging helplessly to his side.

"What do you think you're doing?" Lily hissed. "We're here for James and Vanessa, not so that your two can go at each other."

"He—"

"I—"

"I don't care!" Lily shrieked, echoing her husband. "They don't need this right now, and I'll be damned if I let you boys upset them after the day they've had."

The two men opened their mouths to continue the argument when the wall behind Lily, the wall separating them from the Potters, shook violently. Sirius seized Lily by the wrist and dragged her behind him. Raised voices reverberated through the drywall. Someone screamed. A man.

"God, no," Lily pleaded.

Sirius released her arm and shot to the door, wrenching it open. The shouting grew louder. Sirius looked into the ward with horror blatant on his visage. When a terrible, animalistic yell rang into the hall he bolted inside. Lily turned to look at the other two horror-stricken before rushing in herself, her aching ribs forgotten.

Lily hadn't seen such chaos since the Ministry. Healers ran seemingly in circles, instruments whirled and clanked. Everyone was shouting and someone was crying shrilly. Lily searched around desperately in an attempt to locate her husband and regretted it instantly when she had.

Sirius had wrapped his arms around James and was forcing him away from a cot harboring a sheet-covered lump. James as screeching and flailing like a caged animal; Lily thought she might have seen scratch marks on Sirius' face. Remus rushed past her to assist Sirius.

She backed against the nearest wall as the Healers ran about, clearing things away. No, no, no. The tears streaked unabashedly down her cheeks. People ran around her, some shouting and some not, and somehow in the thick of it all a black-haired newborn was thrust into Lily's arms.

Lily stared down at him, completely unsure of herself. Why had they given him to her? The baby was screaming a sequence of long, high-pitched screeches and squirming against his blanket. She rocked him gently, but with the clamor James and the Healers were making she knew there was no chance of quieting him. The others appeared to be ignoring her. Pressing a soothing hand against his cheek, Lily took the baby out into the hall with a dreamlike sense of purpose.

Although it was still fairly loud, she didn't dare take the baby any farther than the chairs she, Sirius, and Peter had vacated. His little pink face was screwed up in terror; Lily felt her heart breaking. She held him higher to rest his hairy little head against her beating heart. Miraculously, wonderfully, he quieted.

Lily knew as she sat there that she had never beheld anything more perfect than that newborn. Though he kept his eyes tightly closed, the baby raised his tiny fist to her and made sweet whimpering sounds. Despite everything that had happened that day, Lily found herself smiling and holding his little hand.

"Hello, baby," she whispered.

* * *

_When one door closes, another door opens. That's all I have to say about that. Though, admittedly, I'm terribly sad about Vanessa. She's the first original character I've actually let other people read about, so in many ways she's very dear to me. Which is very strange seeing as I knew even as I thought her up that I would eventually kill her. We're like Daniel Faraday and his mum that way._

_The chapter title is_ Brendan's Death Song_ by Red Hot Chili Peppers, even though there isn't and will not be any Brendan in this story. Sorry._

_So, two very noteworthy (in my opinion) things happened following my last update: This fic reached 25K+ hits and over 150 reviews. I'm flabbergasted. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond to by writing. I can't begin to tell you how it makes me feel. Please do continue._

_The next chapter is written and, hopefully, will be up next weekend. I'm also about halfway through the chapter after that. Am I productive or what?_

_Til Next Weekend!_


	33. In the Lap of the Gods Revisited

**Disclaimer: I'm not dead, and I'm not the owner of Harry Potter.**

* * *

They christened little Harry James Potter the same day they buried his mother. Lily held him as the minister anointed him with holy water; James was too distant to raise his head, let alone arms. His mind was back in the cemetery, where undertakers were at that moment shoveling dirt onto his wife's coffin. Sirius stood beside Lily, observing it all.

James and Harry had been staying with them for the last week; they had no other home to go to. After losing himself at St. Mungo's, James had become quiet and resolute. While St. Mungo's had tested Vanessa's body for any spells that could have harmed the baby, he had been making arrangements with Vanessa's older sister for transporting the body to Newcastle and the funeral. He tried to be around Harry, he really did, but it was still a little bit too much for him. So Lily had spent the last week taking care of the baby.

Sirius had observed it all quietly from the side, helping Lily and James when he could. Lily knew seeing her with a baby was difficult for him, but with everything having gone to pieces she didn't see any way around it. He'd been good, though; he took his turn with Harry when she needed to rest. He kept his hand on the small of her back throughout the christening.

Other than the Potters and the Blacks, Vanessa's sister was the only attendant at the funeral. None of them had had the strength to perform the eulogy, so the minister had recited a few generic phrases about _strength of character_ and _inherent goodness_. They'd had to let the undertakers bury her as it was a Muggle cemetery, but Lily thought Vanessa would have wanted it that way. James had, however, magically engraved her headstone so that it would mark her grave immediate. It was simple, Lily thought, beautiful, adorned only with her name, Vanessa Harrington Potter, her birth and death dates, and the epigram, "Dearly Loved."

After the christening was through, James went off with her sister to a quiet corner of the cemetery, leaving Lily and Sirius with the baby on the steps of the chapel. Sirius held Harry as Lily's arms had grown tired. With his big hands he shielded Harry's eyes from the glaring sunlight. Lily was worried about the little boy in the heat; it was the first true summer day in weeks.

Vanessa's sister must have been saying something absolutely riveting, because James didn't seem to be able to look away from her. Lily gestured to the pair. "Do you think she and James will start staying together now? You know, for the baby."

"Hmm?"

"Do you think James and Harry'll move in with Vanessa's sister now that they're on their own?"

"Oh, that." Sirius shuffled the fidgeting newborn. "Absolutely not."

Lily's brow wrinkled. "Why not?

"Because of the cancer."

Her jaw dropped. "What? Who has cancer?"

It was Sirius' turn to scrunch his face in surprise. "Vanessa's sister. Didn't you know?"

"No!"

"Oh." He was pensive, rocking the wriggling baby. "James told me a few days ago – you must have been sleeping. She's bad, Lil. So bad that even if the Muggle Healers tried to treat her she'd still die. James said she has less than a year."

Lily felt her stomach roll over. She looked over at Vanessa's sister, her dark hair gleaming in the sunshine. She was several years older than Vanessa, that was certain, but she was in the prime of her life. It was a horror, an abomination that someone so young should be dying. Lily felt sick herself and remembered her mother.

She looked back at her husband. "They have no other family, do they?"

Sirius shook his head. "You really didn't know any of this?"

Lily looked at her fingers. "You know Vanessa and I weren't close. Not until the very end." She brushed away the tear that was threatening to form in the corner of her right eye. "I'm never going to forgive myself for that."

Sirius jostled beside her, and suddenly Lily had a baby pressed against her chest. "Here," he said. "Take him."

Lily sniffed and sat back, adjusting Harry in her arms. Only a week old, and already he had the ability to calm her down. Harry whimpered at the bright light; Sirius leaned closer to cast a shadow across his pink little face. "Thanks," Lily whispered.

They sat for while gazing down at the newly-christened bundle. He was small, so very small. Lily still couldn't believe how soft his hands were.

"His eyes are green," Sirius said suddenly.

"What?"

"Well," he cocked his head to the side, "they will be green, then."

Lily looked down again at Harry, who was staring up at her. "Sirius, how could you possibly know that?"

"Look at his eyes."

"They're blue!"

"Yeah, right now they are, but you just wait. They'll be green."

Lily shook her head. Sirius could be so peculiar sometimes. She felt his gaze leave her and knew he was staring after his best friend. She began to hum softly, hoping to lull Harry to sleep. Sirius sighed heavily.

"Lily," he whispered, "I wanna ask you something."

Of course, she knew what was coming, but she let him speak his piece anyway.

"I've been thinking about asking James if he and Harry would want to move in with us in Godric's Hollow. Since, well, you know…" She did. "What do you think of it, Lil?"

She hugged Harry closer. "I've been thinking about it too, Sir. In fact, I've been wondering if it wouldn't be better for all of us to just live together. You and me, James and Harry, Peter, Marlene…" The place where Remus' name would have once been hung heavily in the summer air. After everything that had happened at St. Mungo's, Lily couldn't help but wonder if he and Sirius would ever go back to the way they had once been

Sirius shook his head. "Peter won't; his mother is going through another one of her spells, and you know how she likes having him close. And didn't Marlene move back home with that new guy she's with?"

"He's actually an old guy who's come back, but yes."

"Well then. But James and Harry…"

"I know."

Sirius reached over to stoke the baby's tiny, clenched fist with his thumb. "They need us, Lily."

Lily inclined her head as best she could to lean against her husband. "So ask him. When he's ready."

She glanced up in James' direction. Vanessa's sister's back was to them, but whatever she was saying was obviously distressing James. Poor, poor James. He never could seem to get it right. "I suppose he'll be the only family Harry'll have."

Sirius' head snapped around to face hers. "What?" he almost barked.

Bewildered, Lily involuntarily held Harry closer. "You just said her sister–"

"What do you think that whole christening just now was for?"

Lily's mouth opened and closed as she struggled to grasp what he was saying.

"Lily," he whispered urgently, "Harry's our family now. And we're his."

Oh, she'd been afraid of this. Well, afraid for herself at least. How had she not considered Sirius' reaction to the baby? "Not like James and Vanessa."

"Well, no," Sirius acquiesced. "We're not his parents. But we are his godparents, and that counts, Lily, it does."

As if to express his agreement, Harry gave a mighty kick. Sirius laughed and squeezed his little besocked heel with two fingers. Lily cracked a smile, but it vanished when Sirius grew serious again.

"He's really going to need you, Lily."

Her breath hitched. "What do you mean?"

"Well", Sirius said softly "with…everything, you're really the only woman in his life." His fingertips brushed lightly around her elbow. "Lily, you're going to have to be–"

"Don't go there," she snapped.

"Lily–"

"We just buried his mother," Lily hissed.

Sirius gripped her elbow now, his stormy eyes bearing into hers."Exactly."

She looked away quickly, her eyes focusing on nothing in particular. "I'm not his mother, Sirius. He is _not _my son."

Sirius said nothing. Slowly, Lily felt his fingertips trail up her back until they were pressed against the side of her neck. The feather-light touch of his lips pushed against her hair. Lily's vision blurred; her stomach clenched. Silently, she handed the drowsy baby back to her husband. He sighed again as she stood and walked away from them.

"James agrees, you know."

She withered.

Like a phantom, she floated through the graveyard. It was a testament to how many times she'd been in cemeteries in the past year that she did run into any tombstones. Mindlessly, she made her way to the mound of fresh, moist earth that now resided beside the late Mrs. Harrington's grave.

It was so odd to think that Vanessa now lay several feet below her. Dear Vanessa, with the quiet smile and infuriating habit of being too well-behaved. With trembling fingers, Lily traced the top of the granite slab bearing her name, her eyes unable to focus on the inscription.

"I'm so sorry," she breathed. "Oh, Vanessa, I'm so sorry."

She wrapped an arm around her stomach as she tried to repress a sob. What right did she have to cry for this woman? She had shunned her and despised her when all poor Vanessa had wanted was to be her friend. And now the men were determined that she should raise her son.

"I'll tell him all about you," Lily snuffled. "We all will. We'll tell him how kind and good you were."

Lily slid down to the ground until she was pressed against the grave marker, the side of her face resting against the warm stone. She closed her eyes and allowed two tears to channel down her cheeks. When she opened her eyes again Vanessa's sister was standing over her.

Frantic and embarrassed, Lily scrambled to her feet. She brushed the dirt and leaves from her skirt as she looked apologetically at the older woman. Vanessa's sister looked as though she wanted to smile at her but couldn't manage it.

"I'm so sorry," Lily stuttered "So sorry. I didn't mean…I…"

"It's alright," she said, raising her hands. "It's a sad day."

Lily nodded, still unsure what to say to this woman she didn't know. "I–"

"You know, I can still remember when she was born," Vanessa's sister said abruptly. "I was seven." She shook her head, pushing back the short strands of black hair. "I remember being so confused as to how she could be having a baby. My mother, that is."

Lily had no idea how to respond. "Vanessa told me your father was gone before she could remember him."

"My father?" The other woman's face creased in confusion. Then it cleared just as quickly. "Oh, you must not know. Ness and I are – were – half-sisters. Neither of us ever knew her father."

"Oh."

"Yeah," the sister said, running a hand through her dark hair. "Mum and I were living near the university in Edinburgh at the time; she liked to have flings with the students. She died eight years ago. Rail accident."

Lily shuddered. Vanessa's sister eyed her up and down. "You know, it's funny; you look more like you could be her sister than I do."

"I know," Lily whispered. It was true; the other woman was dark in every way imaginable. She continued to stare at her. When she spoke again, Lily blanched.

"I suppose you know what's wrong with me?"

"Yes."

"Good," she nodded. "Good. Then you'll know that I'm going to ask you to be there for Harry. He's going to need you when it's all said and done."

Lily shook her head, choking on her words. "I wish everyone would stop staying that."

"It's true," Vanessa's sister said bluntly. "James is a good man – really good, compared to most of the other men that were in her life – but he can't raise that baby on his own. It's a tough situation all around, and we'll have to make the best of it. You're the best of it.

Lily sniveled. "I'm not his mum." Why did she keeping having to say that over and over again?

The other woman smiled sheepishly, and for the briefest of seconds Lily could see Vanessa in her features. "I know about you," she said, pointing at Lily with her finger. "All about you."

Lily swallowed desperately.

But a softer expression appeared on Vanessa's sister's visage. "Things have a way of working out the way they're supposed to, even if it doesn't seem fair. Even after this." She gestured helplessly to her sister's grave. "You'll see." She stared at the grave a little longer, transfixed. "It won't be long now," she muttered, and Lily knew the other woman was no longer speaking to her.

The shrill, vibrating cacophony of a baby's cries echoed back to them from the chapel. Vanessa's sister jerked back to reality and looked pointedly at Lily.

"He needs you."

Lily nodded. Stealing one last look at the mound of earth that incased Harry's mother, she turned and made her way directly back to her boys.

* * *

_A thousand apologies, as always. Even I'm disgusted by my lack of punctuality. In my defense, though, in the last month I've been steadily working my way through an absolute mountain of paperwork. And I have been writing; I'm in the second part of Chapter 35 right now. Good Lord, thrity-five. For those of you who hate all these funerals I've been writing, don't worry; I'm pretty sure this is the last one. And I wish I could say this story is going to get happier, but I can't. Sorry._

_The title is _In the Lap of the Gods...Revisited _by Queen. Because it is so much better than the first _In the Lap of the Gods_._

_I hope to have the next chapter up in a week or so, but given my track record with meeting deadlines I'd better go back to being vague and say that it'll be up sometime. Please do stick around until then. And I do so love all of the reviews. Thanks again._

_Til Next Time!_


	34. All These Things That I've Done

**Disclaimer: Not even good ole St. Nicholas can bring me the rights to Harry Potter, goshdarnit.**

* * *

Sirius treaded gingerly around Lily's legs, careful not to step on them as they jutted out from under the Christmas tree. Hers and Harry's giggles flitted out from underneath the bushy green branches. He smiled quietly and left them to their moment.

James had taken Harry up to Newcastle the night before to spend Christmas Eve and morning with Vanessa's sister. The cancer had turned on her rather quickly; there would be yet another funeral soon, and James had wanted his sister-in-law to have had at least some time with her nephew before she passed. Lily had understood, of course, but Sirius could tell that she was terribly upset to have missed Harry's first Christmas morning. Not that the disappointment had kept her from egging through Christmas afternoon with fervor.

The floor of the sitting room was still cluttered with the excess paper and tissue no one had quite gotten around to clearing up yet. They'd been having too much fun. Between his father, his godfather, and Lily, Harry was a horrendously spoilt little boy. James was upstairs somewhere, resting; the trip had taken it out of him. Lately everything seemed to be a little too much for James; it was as though he had aged fifteen years in a matter of months, and Lily and Sirius had noticed.

Sirius eased down onto the sofa across from the tree, cup of Meade in hand, as he stared at his wife's stocking-clad legs. She'd been so good with Harry since the funeral. Not that she hadn't been before, but laying Vanessa to rest had done something to make her embrace her role as one of Harry's primary caregivers. When he woke them all up in the dead of night she was the one that coddled him back to sleep. When he fussed and the two men hadn't a clue what could be bothering him Lily was the one that knew just how to quiet him. Whenever Harry was giddy and playful, the way only babies could be, Lily was the one he reached for. And she loved every moment of it.

Bittersweet. Yes, that was the word. Sirius had felt bittersweet through it all, even as some of the radiance his wife had lost with their child returned had over the last few months. She took to mothering amazingly well, even if she still refused to acknowledge that that was what she was doing. But Sirius couldn't help but ache at the knowledge that the child she loved so dearly did not belong to him as well. Parenting Harry was something she shared with James.

Not that he didn't love the boy. No, Sirius' adoration of his godson bordered on unnatural, he felt. He hadn't realized how bleak his life had been before Harry had arrived. But all the same, Sirius was acutely aware that Harry was _not_ his child, that he and Lily were _not_ his parents. Lily might be as close to a mother as Harry would ever feasibly have, but Sirius could only ever be his uncle at best.

James came lumbering down the stairs then, rubbing the tiredness from his eyes. He ducked his head in the kitchen before sweeping his gaze across the sitting room. "Where're Lily and Harry?" he asked, turning to Sirius.

The tree giggled and shook. Sirius inclined his head toward Lily's protruding legs. James smiled devilishly, and in an instant he was pulling Harry out from under the tree. The baby shrieked with laughter as his father hoisted him high in the air. Lily slid gracefully out from under the tree with the most luminescent grin spread across her face.

James brought Harry down to eye level. "What've you been up to, son?" Harry laughed again and grabbed his father's nose. "Have you been having fun with…her?"

They still hadn't figured out what to call Lily in front of the baby. James was Dad or Daddy, of course, and Sirius was unequivocally Uncle Sirius, but with Lily things got sketchy. She certainly couldn't just be Lily, and she was more than just his aunt or godmother, but, as she was prone to surly remind them, she wasn't his mother, either. So for now she was simply being referred to as "her," much to Sirius' irritation.

But Lily laughed as she always did and ruffled Harry's voluminous hair. Sirius' heart plunged even as an odd jubilance welled up inside of him. Bittersweet. As always.

Lily must have read his mind, because just as Sirius was thinking how famial the three of them looked she turned to bore her eyes into his. She peaked Harry's chubby little cheek before moving to plop herself down beside her husband. Taking his hand, she kissed his cheek as well.

James watched the exchange unfazed. Another good thing about Harry: He had forced James to give up most of his childishness, which appeared to include his carrying a torch for his best friend's wife.

"Do either of you know when Wormtail's supposed to show?" he asked, bouncing the baby.

Lily shook her head. "It's Christmas, Prongs," Sirius sighed. "You know his mum's probably barricaded the door."

James snorted. They remembered all too well how Mrs. Pettigrew had a tendency to be a bit too much. He shuffled Harry into his other arm. "Well, I think I'll get the kiddo here fed before he comes over. Unless one of you two already did?"

When they both responded negative, James turned and disappeared into the kitchen, the door snapping shut behind him. Sirius pulled his hand from Lily's to wrap an arm around her. She shifted closer, leaning her head into the crook of his neck and resting a hand on his chest. They sat in silence as the setting sun began to bath the room in shadows.

"Did you send Alice their present?" he finally asked.

Lily nodded. It had seemed she and a certain Mrs. Longbottom had each been concerned as to the other's ability to keep her family fed. So, for Christmas Lily had sent the Longbottoms a shamefully large basket of pastries; Alice had already sent over a mountain of mince pies the night before. Both women, Sirius was sure, had enjoyed the exchange immensely.

"You two are such mother hens," he commented.

She stiffened obviously in his arms, but relaxed again just as quickly. 'Don't tease, babe," she muttered against his shirt.

He chuckled and ran a hand through her mane of rose petal hair. "Lily Lou?"

"Mmhmm?"

"We've been together, what, four years now?"

He could feel her smile against his chest. "As of about twelve o'clock this morning." She pressed herself closer to him. "Did you ever think we'd wind up here?"

Sirius scoffed lightly. "No."

Her little hand reached up to tug his chin down so that she could look him in the eyes. "Why do you say that?"

Sirius fought the urge to laugh. "Because, Lily, I didn't think we'd make it four months, let alone four years. That's how sure I was that I'd do something to screw us up."

"Well, you gave it your best shot," she mumbled.

He did laugh at that. "What about you, Lil?" He brushed several strands of hair from her monstrously green eyes. "Did things work out the way you thought they would?"

She sighed. "Yes and no."

He didn't ask her to elaborate.

A sharp rapping on the door burst the bubble they had constructed around themselves. As if by cue, James burst forth from the kitchen, a dishrag thrown over his shoulder and his hand patting a sedate Harry on the back. Merlin, they'd all become so domesticated. "It's probably Peter," he said.

Harry gurgled audibly as James carried him to the door. Tapping the window through its curtain, James called, "Who's out there?"

"Peter Pius Pettigrew," came the muffled yap of a response, "member of the Marauders, known as Wormtail. My Animagus is—"

"Easy, Peter," James admonished as he swung the door open. "What if we'd had other company over?"

Peter toddled over the threshold, his arms so laden down with gifts that even the top of his head was obstructed from view. James watched him careen about helplessly as he patted his baby's back. Regretfully, Sirius disentangled himself from Lily and got up from the sofa. He took Peter by the shoulders to steady him before wedging his hands between the boxes and relieving his friend of half of his burden. "There you go, Wormtail."

It took only one proper look at Peter to realize that something terrible had happened. His eyes were bloodshot and watering; his lower lip trembled violently. Sirius knew that look. He'd seen it too many times over the last year. "What's happened?"

Lily was at his side in a heartbeat, peering down into Peter's eyes. "Who?" she asked in a deadened voice.

Wormtail swallowed. "The McKinnons."

Lily gave a strangled yelp and swayed dangerously. Sirius sat the packages down at his feet and seized her as his own heart screamed. He and Marlene had practically grown up together; they all had. She couldn't be gone, shouldn't be gone. It wasn't supposed to be one of them.

"All of them?" James croaked from where he was rooted in place, Harry squirming in his arms.

Peter made a jerking movement with his neck that Sirius supposed was a nod. "Yes."

Lily shuddered, her teeth visibly chattering. Sirius half-dragged her back to the sofa and sat down with her, his numb arm still securely wrapped around her shoulders.

"Her parents," Peter elaborated, "her sisters; Harvey was living with them, so they got him, too."

"And Marlene," Lily lamented, somewhere between a question and a comment.

Peter began to cry.

Sirius was suddenly aware that he was vibrating in shock and was shaking his wife as well. She didn't seem to notice, for she had buried herself against him as her body began to convulse with sobs. Across the room, Harry began to wail, almost as though he were conscious of their anguish.

So much for a quiet first Christmas with the baby.

* * *

_Yes, I'm fully aware that it's taken me much longer than necessary to post this chapter, and no, I don't have credible excuse other than simply being too busy with the real world. My deepest apologies. I'm also sorry that this chapter is so short; there won't be another so humiliating lean as this before the end of the story, which will probably be coming sooner than most of you think. But this chapter sure is timely; can you believe last Christmas I was only just getting around to uploading Chapter 19? Good Lord._

_The chapter title is _All These Things That I've Done_ by The Killers. Not The Kills, whom I find frankly odd._

_For the first time in quite a while I do not actually have the next chapter ready to go. However, I'm only a page or two from being done, which will most likely happen over the holiday, so be looking for that in the weeks to come. I also hope to hammer out the last several chapters in the next couple months so that I can have this story over and done with before I have to move again. The better part of three years is quite enough time to write a fanfic, thank you very much._

_Happy Holidays!_

_Til Next Time!_


	35. Carry That Weight

**Disclaimer: If I owned even a little tiny bit of the Harry Potter franchise I would be able to buy a smart car and not contribute so much to the global warming that is making it twenty degrees warmer outside than it's supposed to be.**

* * *

Lily fidgeted for the umpteenth time, straightening the already precariously straight china on the tea tray. Across from her, James sat stiffly in the wingback chair, his foot jiggling with anticipation. Sirius was seated across the room on the floor beside Harry's playpen; he was transfixed by the slow rise and fall of the infant's chest as he slept. Lord, how she adored them.

She really wished Dumbledore would have insisted on their going to visit him at Hogwarts about this oh so mysterious matter he wished to discuss. She hadn't really left the house since Marlene's funeral, and even then they had all been jumpy. James or Sirius left once every week or so for supplies and news and such, but they too had buried their heads in the sand. Lily was going stir crazy. And school was in session, after all; leaving would just attract more attention to Dumbledore.

James' gaze flicked up to the wall clock for the fifth time in as many minutes. "Where is he?"

"He's Dumbledore, James," Lily responded in what she hoped was a soothing tone. "He was a lot going on, you know."

He grumbled under his breath. Sirius shot him a glare over his shoulder when the baby gave a little snort. He did get so upset when Harry cried.

Lily rotated a saucer ninety degrees to the right. "You both need to settle down. He'll get here whe—"

The previously dark grate of the fireplace exploded in a surge of emerald flames. James leapt to his feet. Lily watched as Sirius fussily checked over the baby, who continued on sleeping soundly. She stood herself.

The flames retracted into the grate just as quickly as they had appeared, and in their place stood Albus Dumbledore, complete with raspberry traveling cloak. He beamed tiredly at the three of them. "Hello. Might I intrude on your hospitality?"

"Of course," James promptly quipped. "Come on in, Professor. Have a seat." He meant it, too, for he backed away from the armchair he had been previously occupying, indicating that the headmaster sit.

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "I haven't been your professor in several years, James; call me Albus. And thank you." He sat regally in the overstuffed chair.

"Would you like some tea?" Lily's fingers itched for the serving tray.

"Yes, thanks." From the pocket of his robes, Dumbledore pulled a drawstring pouch. "Would anyone care for a lemon drop? Sirius? No?"

A loud "Gah!" sounded from within the playpen. Sirius was bent over it in an instant, extracting his godson from the blankets. He crossed the room in measured strides and deposited the infant in his wife's lap. "I'll go get him a bottle."

Dumbledore's smile widened at seeing Harry. "My, how big he's gotten. I believe he has your eyes, Lily."

She fought back a scowl. Why was everyone so intent on pointing out that particular caveat? It wasn't as though she'd had anything to do with it. "Funny how that happened."

His smile faltered. "Lily," he asked, "is there some spare surface upon which I could set this down?"

"Um, set what down, sir?"

Dumbledore drew aside the billowing sleeve of his cloak to reveal a bowl full of some luminescent, foreign liquid.

"Oh," she said, drawing the china to one end of the coffee table. "Put it down right there."

The old wizard placed the basin carefully on the table. The glittering light emitting from it bounced throughout the room, casting a slivery glow on all of Lily's knickknacks. Harry began to giggle uncontrollably and wave his hands through the beams. Lily had to hold his feet to keep him from kicking her in the knees.

Sirius chose that moment to sweep back in from the kitchen. He was fazed momentarily by the light but recovered quickly to plop down next to Lily, bottle in hand. "Impressive, Dumbledore," he said as he passed the bottle to his wife. She repressed a sigh; he and James had gotten so peculiar about her being the one to feed Harry.

James poured a cup of tea and passed it on to Dumbledore. "You had something to discuss with us, sir?"

Dumbledore sobered and took a regretful sip from the cup. "Yes, I'm afraid so."

Lily shivered. "It's that bad?"

He stared imploringly into her eyes, as though pleading for her forgiveness; she could see the depth of every wrinkle on his ancient face. "My dear Lily, it is worse."

"What is it, then?" Sirius growled, harsher than he had probably intended.

Dumbledore pressed his fingertips together, open and close. "I…hmm." He drew his wand from within the interior of his cloak. "Perhaps it would be best if I showed you."

Lily cringed as he pressed the wand's tip to the side of his head and extracted a long, slivery strand; she didn't even want to consider what it was made of. Dumbledore gave it a thoughtful glance before dropping it into the shimmering bowl. He stirred the glowing liquid with his wand.

A foot tall gypsy-looking woman rose from the lustrous liquid, casting even more rays of light around the room. Harry shrieked happily while Lily sat his forgotten bottle to the side and readjusted him. The woman's large, bespectacled orbs unfocused as she opened her mouth to speak.

In the matter of a minute Lily's life crashed down around her.

The silence was deafening as the miniature woman sank back down into the bowl, having said her piece.

"Who else knows about this?" James whispered lifelessly.

Dumbledore folded his hands tightly. "There was a spy. He was apprehended before he heard the prophecy in its entirety, but I know that Voldemort has been made privy to the first half."

"But," Lily stuttered, "but it can't mean…Not Harry."

"_Born as the seventh month dies_," Sirius breathed.

"_T__o those who have thrice defied him_," she countered. "I don't recall Vanessa ever having defied Voldemort."

An ounce of color returned to James' face.

Contrastingly, Dumbledore grew even grimmer. "I'm afraid Harry is still applicable. I have an informant on the other side (no, I cannot tell you; do not ask me) who has reported to me that Voldemort believes you to be his mother, Lily."

Lily gaped like a trout. "Why on Earth would he think that?"

"A number of reasons," he sighed. "Few knew that James and Vanessa had married, and fewer still know of you and Sirius. Voldemort certainly does not. And, for all intents and purposes, you have been acting as Harry's mother, Lily."

"But she isn't," Sirius, ironically, hissed, his fists clenched so tightly. "Not technically. That prophecy can't be right, then. He can't—"

"My dear man," Dumbledore interrupted gently, "it is not a matter of what is true and what is not, what how Voldemort acts in response. If he chooses to ignore the prophecy then none of this matters. There are plenty of prophecies that have not come to pass. But I'm afraid the Dark Lord guards his power anxiously and will take certain action against anyone or anything he sees as a threat."

"It just can't be Harry," Lily whispered, clutching the boy so tightly that he squawked at her. "It can't be him."

Dumbledore dropped her gaze and twisted the teacup in its saucer. "There is another."

"Come again?" James croaked.

"There is another boy who fits the description."

"Who?" Sirius demanded instantly.

The headmaster wavered. The teacup stilled. "Neville Longbottom."

Lily's stomach dropped painfully. Harry smacked at her hand with his little one as she pulled him close against her. "Oh God, Alice."

Sirius shook beside her. "Do they know?"

Dumbledore nodded grimly. "Yes, I told them yesterday."

"What will they do?"

Again, the old wizard demonstrated his age as a rattling sigh escaped his lungs. "Hide. As I suggest you do."

"Hide?" James growled, his face white as new, undisturbed snow. "Dumbledore, we're barricaded in our own home. How can we possibly hide any more than we already have?"

"There is a spell." Dumbledore leaned forward, looking directly at Lily. "It is complex and very old, but I'm sure Lily knows of it."

"Sir?" she asked, bewildered.

"The Fidelius Charm."

Lily's breath hitched. She leaned back against the cushions of the sofa and looked down at her squirming baby. Maybe, just maybe, they could survive this.

"What's a Fidelius Charm?" Sirius asked impatiently. The professor indicated that Lily should answer.

"Um, it's a concealment charm. A really powerful one. Generally, it's placed on a person or structure to make it undetectable."

"But how will that help us?" James asked. "If there's really a spy in the Order they'll know where are."

"My sources have assured me that Voldemort has yet to learn your location," Dumbledore reassured. "But with the Fidelius Charm only one other person need know your whereabouts: the Secret Keeper. Unless the Secret Keeper shares the information you will remain imperceptible. Even those that already know this house's location will be unable to reveal it."

"But it's an incredibly difficult charm," Lily interjected. "I don't know that we'd—"

"You three are the most talented witch and wizards of your generation," Dumbledore soothed. "And I'm not just saying that. I assure you, you can perform a Fidelius. I will teach you."

'So it's settled then," James said decisively. "We'll do a Fidelius Charm and hide out here indefinitely. Problem solved."

A look of unease briefly consumed Dumbledore's visage, but just as quickly as it had appeared it was gone again. The three other adults noticed. "What else, Dumbledore?" Sirius asked roughly. His fingers dug into his wife's knee.

"I hate to even say this."

"It can't be any worse than everything else you've told us."

The professor folded his hands resolutely. "There needs to be a contingency plan. For Harry."

The baby in question babbled at the sound of his name, while Lily asked, "What do you mean, sir?"

"In the event of the worst," he started, "should it come down to it, a guardian will have to be named for Harry. A blood relative, if he is to remain safe."

"Harry hasn't got any blood relatives," Sirius said as Lily attempted to hold the wriggling boy still. "Not besides James, anyway."

Dumbledore's eyes shifted to his right, to James. The younger man was rigid in his chair and seemed to be deliberately looking away from his friends. "James?"

His neck gave an odd little twitch. "I hadn't planned it like this, Dumbledore."

"Plans change."

James smacked his hands on the arms of the chair but remained silent. Sirius tensed. "What have you done, Prongs?"

The other man shook his head. "It isn't what I've done."

"What is it, James?" The fear was beginning to creep up from Lily's stomach to her throat, sending the worst sort of possibilities up to her mind.

"It's about Vanessa. And her father."

"And?"

"I know who he is. Or was. Vanessa's sister told me at the funeral, in case I wanted to find him for Harry." He lapsed into silence and stared at his feet.

"Well," Sirius interjected after a moment, "who is he?"

James didn't look up. "Daniel Evans."

A cold wave jolted through Lily. Harry smacked her arm again with the palm of his little hand. "That's not possible."

He continued as though she hadn't spoken. "He was a university student when Mrs. Harrington knew him. He never knew about Vanessa."

Lily gave a heaving gasp. It couldn't be. It just wasn't right. Vanessa couldn't…Not her sis— Merlin, she couldn't even think it.

Someone was saying her name, but she ignored them, zeroing in on James. "You knew this whole time?"

"Since the funeral, yeah." He didn't miss a beat.

She held Harry around his middle and lifted him onto Sirius' lap. "Hold your godson." In an instant she was on her feet, and, crossing the room in three strides, she slapped James right across the face.

Lily barely registered the house around her as she stumbled up the stairs and into her and Sirius' bedroom. Their mattress was suddenly beneath her, her face buried in the feathery softness of a pillow. Her whole body shuddered as the tears came.

It could have been minutes or hours later, but Sirius came for her, as she knew he would. He said nothing, but Lily knew it was him when the mattress sank behind her and his arm snaked around her waist, pulling her flush against him. His breath on her neck was warmer than her tears. She trembled and choked. He rubbed soothing circles into the bottom of her ribcage.

"We have to go back down," he whispered after a while.

She shook her head, gasping. "I can't."

He sighed.

"Did you know?" She turned so that her head half rested on his shoulder.

His chin scraped the crown of her head as his shook his. "No, I didn't."

She shuddered again, trying to move impossibly closer to him. "Why wouldn't he have told me?"

"Does it matter at this point?"

"Yes!" She scrambled to her elbows, turning back away from him. "Of course it matters! He's my nephew, Sirius, our nephew."

She could feel his eyes, steely gray, staring holes into her back. "Does that really change anything?"

"Of course it does!"

"How?"

She heaved, unable to think of the word that would convince him of her righteousness. Sirius' hand was on her side again.

"Lily," she shivered as his breath fluttered her hair, "the way you feel about Harry is still the same as it always was, and Harry still sees you the same way. Nothing's changed. You're still pretty much his mum."

"Not this again," she cursed, rolling over to press her head to Sirius' sternum. His arm wound around her shoulder, his left hand cradling her neck.

He pressed on. "The only thing that's really different now is that your sister has a connection to him, too. That's why Dumbledore had James bring all this up now."

"And what?" she leaned her head away from his chest. "I'm supposed to go tell Petunia that any day now the son of the sister she never knew we had might turn up on her doorstep?"

"Don't talk like that."

"Then what am I going to say to her? Them. I think she's got a kid now."

"I'll let you work that one out for yourself," he murmured.

They were quiet again. Lily couldn't tell if she was thinking or not. She almost huffed at how ridiculous she was; not even four in the afternoon and she was already dog-tired. "I just can't believe he didn't tell me. He told Dumbledore, but not me."

Sirius jerked away abruptly, swinging his feet to the floor. "Enough of this." He grabbed Lily around her waist and pulled her from the bed, deaf to her protests. He righted her and took her by the shoulders, giving her a shake. "You've got to keep it together, okay? We need to be there for Harry. We can't throw our hands up yet. Alright?"

Her breath having completely escaped her in their tussle, Lily could only nod. Sirius placed a hand on her back and firmly pulled her close. Her arms wound around him, and she let him hold her. Wordlessly, he took her hand and led her down the stairs.

James and the headmaster stood when they reappeared in the sitting room. Harry gurgled and reached for Lily. James began to speak as she moved closer, but Lily shook her head. "Not now, James."

"Lily—"

"Not now," she hissed, taking Harry from him and settling the baby on her hip. She resumed her place beside her husband. "How soon can we perform the Fidelius Charm, sir?"

Dumbledore, at least, seemed to appreciate her willpower. "I will teach you three the mechanics; I cannot perform the charm for you. But you will still need a Secret Keeper."

"Me. I'll do it."

Lily whipped around as best she the baby would allow to face Sirius. "What? No! You need to be hidden, too."

He shook his head. "Think about it, Lily. Voldemort doesn't know that we're married, doesn't know about our situation with Harry. He _will_ know that James and I have been best friends since school – everyone knows that – so he'll assume I'm the Secret Keeper and focus on coming after me. But I'll be here with you, so he won't be able to find me. It's our best option."

She could feel the heat of outrage and anger overtake her, so much so that she began to tremble. "You'd be making yourself even more of a target than you already are. You can't do it."

"I agree with Lily," James piped up. "You can't risk yourself like that, Padfoot. It wouldn't be worth losing you."

Lily felt a surge of paradoxical affection for Harry's father. She moved closer to her husband and opened her mouth to continue expressing her opposition, but he jerked his head and looked pointedly over her shoulder. "We can figure this out later."

Irritation welled up within Lily. She really did not want to have an argument with Sirius, especially not in front of the headmaster, but Merlin that man could be thick. Tugging Harry higher up of her hip, she turned once more to face Professor Dumbledore, who looked at her expectantly. She grit her teeth and said, "And I'll go track down my sister. But I have no idea how receptive she'll be; we haven't spoken since Daddy died."

"I'll go with you," Sirius reassured her, and the anger bubbling in the core of her stomach dissipated slightly. Even when he was being suicidal she couldn't stay mad at him.

Dumbledore nodded approvingly. "Good, good." But then the light sparkle in his blue eyes waned, and he looked as though there was still more he had to say.

Lily shivered and hiked Harry up her hip again. "What else, Professor?"

"Hmm?" he asked, as though she had pulled him from a deep thought. "Oh, Lily. I'm so terribly sorry that this has happened to you. To all of you. Your family has suffered more than most in this war, and I cannot help but feel responsible for your misfortune."

"It's not your fault, sir," James said as the other two adamantly shook their heads. "You didn't make Voldemort do all of these nonsensical things. You're not to blame."

Dumbledore remained unmoved. "I asked you three to join the Order. I brought you into this. You were much too young."

Lily opened her mouth to contradict him, but Harry suddenly jerked away from her. She gripped him tighter and tried to pull him back, but then she saw that the little boy's hand was reaching out to Dumbledore. The headmaster hesitated, and the other three adults watched transfixed as he held two fingers forward for the baby to hold. Lily glanced at James through the corner of her eye, unsure of what to make of their boy.

_Their boy_. God help her.

Dumbledore stared ardently down at the infant for the longest time. It wasn't until Harry beamed, gave a mighty "Gawk!" and flung himself back against Lily that the old wizard slipped back into his authoritative stature. Lily wrapped her arms more securely around the baby, loving him so tremendously, and waited for the professor to speak.

He smiled softly, reassuringly at the four of them. "I'm sure you three have much to discuss and many decisions to make. And I have been absent from Hogwarts for a bit too long to appear leisurely, I'm afraid. I'll just get out of your hair, though I will return at the week's end to assist with the Fidelius."

There were handshakes all around, and Dumbledore exited in a blaze of emerald flames and smoke, leaving James and the Blacks with a creeping feeling of despair. Lily's stomach began to knot. The weight of their situation bore steadily down on her mind, leaving her quivering. James sunk down into the chair he had vacated.

"Lily, I—"

She must have growled, or hissed, or something, for Sirius tugged Harry from the enclosure of her arms and took him mutely from the room. Her anger at him flared momenarily for abandoning her.

James sat slumped in the chair, the weight having apparently pressed down on him as well, but his eyes never wavered from Lily's. "Let me explain."

"Explain?" she spat. "Explain what? That you've known all this time that your wife was my sister and didn't think to tell me until your son's life became in immediate danger? There's no explanation for that, James, just the fact that you've let me go this whole time not knowing."

"What good would that have done?" he rasped. "She was already dead. All it would have done was upset you. It's certainly upset me."

"Upset me? Of course it upsets me, James! All this time I had a sister who actually liked me, who wanted a relationship with me. Don't you know what that means?"

"She's still dead," James said hollowly. "It doesn't really matter."

Hot, furious tears splashed down Lily's cheeks. "You don't understand, James, don't understand what it's like not to be loved by your family. I've spent _years_ thinking my only sister hates me, and now you've conveniently neglected to tell me that I had one who didn't."

"That's beside the point. All talking about it would have done was make everyone feel even worse about her dying than they already do, and I didn't want you and Sirius to have to deal with it as well."

"You don't get it, James! But then again, why would you? You've never been unloved by anyone."

"You didn't love me," he said quietly.

Bile rolled through Lily's stomach. "That's why you did this?" she snarled. "That's why you kept this from me? I had another sister, and you didn't tell me because I wounded your pride in school? For God's sake, we were sixteen, James, and I was never going to go out with you."

"Lily, that's not—"

"Then what is it about, James? Why would you do this to me?"

"I didn't want to hurt you, Lily!" She flinched when he leapt up from his chair, his anger palpable. "Why can't you understand that I have never wanted to do anything to hurt you?"

Lily felt the tears trickling down her face as her fury swelled. She couldn't take this, couldn't hear anymore. It was all so very, very wrong. If she didn't get out of there she was going to do or say something that could very well fracture their family irreparably, she was sure of it. That was, if James hadn't already.

"You know," she whispered, her voice trembling as she tried to control her tears, "you've been a real jerk to a lot of people, James, but I never thought you could sink this low."

She turned quickly and all but ran into the kitchen, never seeing the defeated look cross James' face as he fell back into his armchair. Letting the door swing behind her, Lily shot to the cabinets, opening every drawer in search of Muggle change. She couldn't think about James or Vanessa anymore.

And then suddenly Sirius was beside her, casting a shadow on the contents of the open drawer before her. He said her name in that soft way of his, but she didn't look up, not wanting him to see how red her eyes surely were. "Where's Harry."

"Upstairs," he said weakly.

"I'm going to find a pay phone," she answered his unspoken question. "See if I can't track down my sister."

Fishing out a final coin, Lily brushed passed her husband. He watched as she shrugged on her coat. "Lily, about James—"

"Not right now, Sir."

"But you know he would never intentionally—"

She yanked the door open and finally looked at him. Even though her anger still surged painfully inside her, even though he looked absolutely crestfallen, Lily admired Sirius' need to make things right. "Sirius, I love you, but you can't fix this, at least not right now."

Lily waited for his nod before hurrying out the door. By the time it snapped shut behind her she was gone.

* * *

_Before you say anything, at least I didn't wait five months between updates like I did this time last year. Funny thing is, I've had this chapter written for about two months now but have felt too horrible to type it up. In my defense, though, it's excruciatingly long when you look at it written out. And I've always been very wary of this chapter as well. I don't particularly like it, and I'm very certain that you, my lovely readers, won't like it _at all_, but if we're ever to get through this thing I had to write it._

_The chapter title is _Carry That Weight_ by The Beatles. The first Beatles song in a while, I think._

_I haven't got the next chapter written, and in the annual post-holiday funk I'm still stuck in I doubt I'll have it done anytime particularly soon. I apologize, I really do, but I'd rather give you something halfway decent than jumbling a half-baked chapter together. We've gotten too far into this story together for me to pull crap like that now. Especially when we only have something like five chapters to go. It's scary, actually, being this close to the end. Also, I am beholden to all of you for the wonderful reviews. Thanks for getting passed 175!_

_Til Next Time!_


	36. Train In Vain

**Disclaimer: I could never think up such an intriguing title as _The Casual Vacancy_.**

* * *

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.

Mrs. Dursley was very nearly done with the roast she was preparing for dinner, and a good thing, too, as it was a quarter to six. Mr. Dursley would be home at any time; he'd begun staying later and later at the office as he rose through the ranks of his drill manufacturing company. Their son, Dudley, sat propped up in his highchair, smearing apple sauce across the tray. Such a precocious child.

Petunia heard the distinct sound of her husband's car pulling into the garage and checked once again on the roast. Cooked to perfection. She set it on the table just as her husband burst through the door.

"Smells wonderful!" Vernon boomed, kissing his wife on the cheek.

"Did you have a good day, darling?" she asked as she spooned baked carrots onto their plates.

"Excellent," Vernon replied as e bent to kiss their son. "Very nearly signed the Smithingham account. Another week and I'll have them cracked for sure." Dudley laughed hysterically and smacked his father.

Vernon boomed once more and tucked in to dinner, plopping a monstrous slice of roast onto his plate. Petunia smiled, satisfied, and spooned peas onto Dudley's tray. Half of the peas were instantly strung about her hair, but Petunia didn't mind. She was blessed to have such a perfect child.

Just as she sat down to her own dinner, a sharp rap echoed from the front door. She and Vernon turned toward it instinctively.

"Who the ruddy hell could that be?" Vernon demanded. "Don't they know it's the middle of dinner?"

"Language, dear," Petunia said quietly, inclining her head toward the baby as she rose. "No, no, don't get up, Vernon, you've just got home. I'll answer it."

There was another knock as she made her way to the door, more insistent than the last. She shook the remaining peas from her hair and swung open the door. It took all of her willpower not to slam it shut instantly.

"You," she hissed.

Her ungrateful sister fidgeted with the sleeve of her sweater. "Hello, Petunia."

That terrible boy she'd so disrespectfully brought to their father's funeral was there as well, his hair as untidy as it had been those years ago. He spoke directly to Lily. "We shouldn't be out in the open, Lil."

"You've gotten yourselves into some sort of trouble, haven't you?" Petunia whispered in rage.

"We haven't done a damn thing," the boy - man, now - growled indignantly.

"Petunia," her sister said calmly, "there are some things we really do need to discuss with you and…Vernon, and it'd be better if we weren't on your doorstep when we do. May we please come in?"

Here Petunia was conflicted. She most certainly did not want them in her house, not near Dudders. And goodness, what would Vernon say? Social convention required that she feed them as well. Vernon would not take kindly to that, no, no, no. On the other hand, though, the longer they stayed on the doorstep the more likely the neighbors were to see them. Of course, that would lead to questions, questions she wouldn't be able to answer. Vernon would understand that much, at least.

"Fine," she ground out, opening the door wider. "Come in. But don't touch anything and leave those…_things_ away."

They filed into number four, that man from four summers ago with his hand on the small of her sister's back. They waited by the stairs as Petunia dead bolted the front door. Wordlessly, she led them into the kitchen.

"Who was it, Pet?" Vernon asked, his mouth full of potatoes. "More of those damn vacuum salesmen?" He looked up and began to choke. Petunia rushed to him and thumped his back as Dudley giggled profusely.

"What are you doing here?" he spat, coughing up potato bits. "Get your freakishness out of my house and away from my son. Petunia, why did you let them in?"

"I was afraid the neighbors would see."

Lily's husband, at least Petunia assumed he was from the rings, scoffed. "You two are still on about that?"

Vernon's face turned a deep red, worrying Petunia. The doctor had been rather concerned about his blood pressure at his last exam. "Out!" he bellowed. "Out this instant! I'll not have it, not in my house. I tolerated it when your father was alive, but no more. Out!"

Lily's eyes glazed with the faintest tears; her husband growled threateningly, causing Vernon to quiet and turn very nearly purple. Lily's nose twitched, just as it had when she would try not to cry over a broken toy as a little girl. Petunia swallowed.

"Vernon, perhaps we ought to hear what they have to say." He looked at her incredulously. "Just to make sure it doesn't affect us."

Her husband scowled but acquiesced. "We don't have enough food for them, though."

Lily's husband eyed the food uneasily, raising feelings of indignation in Petunia. "No thanks," he said as he pulled out the chair for his wife.

Lily leaned forward as he husband sat down. "I am sorry about just showing up like this, but we really have no other option."

"You need money, don't you?" Vernon spat. "I always knew this would happen. Didn't I tell you, Petunia; I knew that someday they'd appear to darken our door. Well, you'll get nothing from us."

"We have plenty of money, thank you."

Her husband put his hand on the back of her chair. "Look Dursley, we're not looking for you to pay us off or whatever. We're perfectly capable of providing for ourselves."

"Then what are you doing here? How did you find us?"

Lily and her husband exchanged a look. He shrugged. "Simple part first, I think. Lily's spent the last few day's tracking you down; she looked in all the fond books."

"Phone books, darling."

"Yes, those."

The protruding vein in Vernon's forehead throbbed violently at their exchange; Petunia could hear his teeth grinding together. "That doesn't explain why you felt the need to come here in the first place."

Lily opened her mouth to speak just as Dudley decided to rain peas upon her. She turned to look at the boy, apparently seeing him for the first time. She stared intensely at him to the point where her sister felt exceedingly uncomfortable. "Petunia, you've had a baby."

Petunia shivered as her sister continued to gaze upon the boy. The long-haired man stared, too, his hand reaching up to rest on the back of his wife's neck. Lily suddenly shuddered and turned dolefully back to address her sister directly. "How much do you know about what's going on on our side?"

Petunia shrunk back at the accusation as Vernon turned to her wildly. "Nothing," she hissed. "Why would I know what you freaks are up to?"

Lily's husband's white knuckles cracked under the pressure of his clenched fist. "You'd know because it's starting to affect you as well."

Lily slipped her hand into his, gently prying his fingers apart. A rush of nervousness coursed through Petunia, filling her with inexplicable dread. Her sister looked away from her husband and spoke.

"We're at war."

Petunia was dumbfounded. How could Lily's…people be warring and the rest of the country not know it? Surely someone would notice the (she shuddered even as she thought it) magic. She gaped at her sister like a trout.

"What the ruddy hell do you mean you're at war?" Vernon barked.

The other man glared at him. "We mean that we're at war. We're on one side, and the other side is trying to destroy everything good we've built in our government and society."

Vernon sneered. "You would get yourselves involved in some cockamamie to-do. I knew you were violent the moment I met you."

Lily's husband stood abruptly, his chair flying back behind him. Vernon threw his arm out in front of his wife as Lily grabbed her husband's arm and carefully ran her palm up and down it. Dudley emitted a solitary wail.

"Sweetheart, sit down," Lily half-whispered. "We talked about this."

The man hesitated for a long moment, his eyes glowering at Vernon as his hand twitched at his waistband. Slowly, he lowered himself back into the chair. Lily patted his hand before turning back to the other couple.

"There is a man, a very powerful man, who believes that our kind are superior to yours." She pointedly ignored Vernon's snort. "He would very much like to kill anyone whose ancestors were not magical, and that includes wizards and witches as well as Muggles.

"Muggles?" Vernon growled.

"Non-magic people." Petunia clasped a hand over her mouth in horror. Where had that come from? Vernon turned to her in disbelief as Lily's husband gawked. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Lily smiled sweetly. "That's quite alright, Petunia."

"To make a long story short," her husband interjected, "this wizard has developed a following over the last few decades, and they're trying to take over the government."

"But how would we have known about that?" Petunia asked. "How would we be affected."

"They enjoy attacking your people as much as ours, Petunia," Lily said. "More, probably. Haven't you noticed strangle things happening? That hurricane in Dover. That tube tunnel that caved in. That serial killer in Leicester. That's all him, all of it."

Petunia's blood chilled. All those things, they couldn't be magic. They just couldn't. Not something as normal as a tunnel collapse, no matter how unexpected. Magic couldn't be creeping into their lives."

Lily's husband caught her eye. "If the other side does succeed, does take control, it'll mean absolute havoc in both our world and yours: mass killings, public executions, Muggle hunts. He won't rest until pureblooded wizards are the only ones left in Britain. And then he'll move on to the rest of Europe."

"But you're beating him," the words rushed from Petunia's mouth, "aren't you?"

"No," he muttered darkly. "We're losing."

"Which is why we're here," Lily added gently.

"We're not hiding you," Vernon said sharply. "You two have obviously gotten yourselves in too deep with something and now you want to hide here. Well, let me tell you, under no uncertain terms will you ever again be welcome in my home."

Lily's husband shouted something at him, but Petunia didn't care to listen. Instead, she looked carefully at her little sister. She was much too pale, as though she hadn't left her home in weeks, and much too thin. Her emerald eyes were rimmed by pale purplish discs. Ghosting along her hairline was the thinnest, faintest white scar. Petunia turned to observe her bellowing brother-in-law; his hands were marred by jagged scares as well, from his knuckles to the hem of his sleeves, and she had a sinking suspicion that they continued on to the rest of his arms. Dear God, they weren't lying.

"You really are in trouble, aren't you?" she whispered.

The men stopped shouting as Lily turned to her, eyes pleading. "Yes, we are. But not in the way you think."

Petunia couldn't breathe. Oh God, oh God, oh God. Lily held her gaze as the men quieted and sat themselves.

"We've been actively opposing him since we left school." She gestured to her husband. "He was even a part of our secret police for a while. But we had to make one too many sacrifices."

Lily became mournful, filled with a despair Petunia suddenly prayed she would never realize. Her eyes flickered once again to the scar near Lily's ear.

"We been in hiding ever since," her husband was saying.

"And you can't hide anymore? Is that it?"

"Not exactly."

"Petunia," Lily said gently, leaning forward once more, "he's after us. Or, he's targeting us more aggressively than before, and we're having to face the possibility that he might find us."

Petunia swallowed and held her long fingers as still as she could so the others wouldn't see her tremble. "What is it you want from us?"

Lily looked warily to her husband, who began to fumble with the inside pocket of his jacket.

"Put it away," Vernon barked as he made a show of displaying his wallet. From within the wallet he drew a picture, which he slid across the table for them to see. Vernon peered over Petunia's shoulder to get a better look at it and physically recoiled at the sight.

"We don't have any that don't move," Lily said. "Sorry."

Petunia stared at the photograph, paralyzed. It captured the moving image of a little boy, a baby, with a head full of dark hair. He was sitting on a woman's lap, Lily's, if she wasn't mistaken. Petunia gulped dryly.

"Who is this?"

"My…my son," Lily whispered.

Petunia's stomach turned. This was too much. "Oh, Lily."

Her sister leaned in urgently. "He's the reason we've come here. We're taking every precaution to ensure that if we are discovered Harry will make it out alright, and if and when that happens we need to know that he'll be someplace safe."

Petunia's eyes flickered down to the mockery of a photo again. The baby - Harry - was most certainly her sister's son; his little eyes were miniature replicas of hers. His little infant smile was not unlike her sister's had been when she was small.

She looked back up at Lily. She was gaunt to be sure, but sitting there in her russet sweater she looked every ounce the angel their father had always said she was. Her lower lip was squeezed tightly between her teeth, a nervous habit developed at the beginning of her education. Petunia looked into Lily's eyes, and for the first time in her life saw fear in them.

"You want us to take him."

Lily nodded.

"Don't you have any of _your people_ that could do it?" Vernon asked, exasperated.

"Anyone we could trust Harry with is as or more heavily involved as we are. Besides, he should be with a blood relative," Lily's husband muttered.

"We wouldn't ask you if it wasn't absolutely necessary," Lily added.

"Will he be like you two?" Petunia whispered.

"You mean, will he be a wizard?" her brother-in-law clarified sneeringly. Vernon flinched involuntarily, and Dudley, having sensed his father's discomfort, took the opportunity to lob a handful of mashed potatoes at his uncle (Petunia was baffled by the notion that the shaggy-haired man before her was of any sort of relation to her son), missing spectacularly. "It would be highly unusual if he wasn't."

"Magic runs deep in his father's family," Lily muttered. Her husband returned his hand to hers.

A wave of nausea suddenly overtook Petunia. How had this happened? How had her perfect little sister acquired a bounty on her head? It wasn't fair. She was so young; she'd just had a baby. It wasn't fair.

"Alright," she breathed.

"Alright?" Vernon and Lily's husband near-shouted.

"We'll take him, if…"

"Thank you," Lily whispered, her jewel eyes glassed by tears.

"Don't you think we should talk about this, Pet?" Vernon grumbled rapidly in undertone.

"What's to talk about? The boy is family. What would we be if we didn't help him?"

"We'd be looking after our own son. Who knows what sort of freakish dangers he could impose upon us."

"Harry is not a freak," Lily's husband growled, his voice dropping several octaves, "nor is he dangerous."

"Lily was never a real danger when she was a child, annoying and abominable though she may have been," Petunia affirmed.

"Thank you, Petunia," Lily said again, the sincerity in her jarring her sister into quietude.

They remained silent for a time, even little Dudley. Petunia knew not what to say, what more could be said. Vernon twitched repeatedly beside her, and Lily's breath was coming in quiet shudders. Her husband wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

"We ought to get back to them," he murmured. "We've been gone for quite a while."

Lily nodded and stood from the table. Petunia rose as well and led them back through the house to the front door. They turned to her in unison, equally silent; Petunia knew not what they were waiting for her to say. She gestured to the door.

"Oh God!" Lily cried suddenly and flung her arms around her sister's neck. Petunia stood shock still. Neither of the sisters had made any move to embrace the other in a good ten years. But as her little sister trembled against her, Petunia couldn't help but pat her on the back.

"Love him for me," Lily pleaded in her ear as she pulled away, but Petunia couldn't respond. Several tears had escaped her sister's brimming eyes, which were hurriedly brushed away.

"Thank you, Petunia," she said for a final time. Her husband nodded gruffly at her, and they were out the door.

Petunia rushed to a window, pulling back the lace curtains in hopes of watching her sister walk away from her house, from her, but she never caught sight of them. She sighed heavily as Vernon came up behind her.

"Would you care to explain to me what the bloody hell just happened?"

"I had to Vernon."

"Why? Why on Earth would you bring this down on us, on Dudders?"

Petunia gulped quietly and looked at her husband, who was as red in the face as she had ever seen him. "Because," she sighed again, "because however much of a freak my sister may be, she would gladly take in our son if something were to happen to us."

"We'd never want her to."

"Vernon, do you honestly think she wants us to have him anymore than we'd like her to raise Dudley?"

Vernon was quiet, his skin nearly purple now. In his small eyes, Petunia saw a fear akin to that which she had briefly seen in her sister's. "Pet, we can't raise that boy."

Petunia felt her lips thin. "Then we had best hope that Lily doesn't get herself killed."

Dudley squawked in the kitchen; Vernon turned away from her, returning to their unfinished meal. Petunia glanced out the window one last time in mild hope, but Lily and her husband were already good and gone. A foreboding gnaw crept into her stomach.

* * *

_I'm not even sure how many months it's been, but I do know that it's been too many. Sorry; the period between the holidays and the end of term is difficult for me and I can't really summon up the nerve to write much of anything. Thankfully, that time as passed once again and I'm again on the mad dash to finish the race that is this story. You can thank my euphoria over Man City's having won the league for shaking me out of my funk. I've been waiting to write this chapter for such a long time; Petunia has always fascinated me as I'm sure that somewhere in her black and white mind there is a part of her that deeply loved her sister. Jealousy has a way of getting the best of people. I hope you liked this._

_The chapter title is _Train In Vain_ by The Clash._

_Thank you to everyone who as continued to review and read this story; your support means more than words can say. We're very nearly there, everyone._

_Til Next Time!_


	37. Little Talks

**Disclaimer: Is there even any point anymore? If so, please see the previous thirty-six chapters. They should more than suffice.**

* * *

The house rattled under the pressure of the gusting wind. Moonlight flickered in sporadically through the curtains with each shifting of the clouds. It was not quite a storm, just very nearly.

Lily knew all this because she couldn't sleep. In truth, she hadn't really slept since returning from her sister's home the day before. There just wasn't enough time to waste on sleep.

Time. They were running out of time. Dumbledore would come the following day to assist with the Fidelius Charm, and then it would just be a matter of waiting out the unbearable burden of time. The uncertainty was stifling. Lily had wondered several times throughout the week whether Harry would grow up never have left the walls of their house. This wasn't life, it was stasis.

Sirius mumbled in his sleep behind her. More and more often of late he had muttered things from his dreams; Lily couldn't bear to contemplate what they meant. At least he was getting some sleep, though. He needed to be prepared for what was to come.

A particularly strong blast of wind shook the house, effectively ruining whatever hope Lily had of dozing off. A glare at the clock told her it was very nearly time to feed Harry. Gently as she could, Lily rolled out of Sirius' arms and puttered down the hall to the nursery at the end of the landing. Apart from the wind, everything was dark and quiet and still. Lily smiled; Harry was such a good baby. He rarely screamed or cried anymore. He usually just sat up in his crib and waited for her. Lily felt her way along the familiar path to his bedside, but no emerald eyes peered up at her from under the blankets.

Panic rippled through her stomach. He couldn't be gone; they wouldn't take him and leave the rest of them alive. She stumbled out of the room and down the stairs. He had to be somewhere in the house. Where was he, where was he….

"Lily?"

She spun around to find James huddled in the armchair, a very content, very much there baby happily nursing a bottle in his lap. A single candle on the coffee table illuminated James' face in a discordantly warm glow. A shuddering breath of relief emerged from deep within Lily as she leaned against the nearest wall. Of course he would be with his father.

"He was awake when I went to check on him," James said quietly as her hand flew to her fluttering heart. "I thought I might as well feed him. I didn't mean to worry you."

"No…" she gasped. "No…my fault. Sorry."

She turned to ascend the stairs, dreading her assuredly fruitless return to bed, when James called out to her. "Lily, we really out to talk about this."

She halted, her back to him. Oh, how she had hoped to avoid this for as long as humanly possible. Lily knew she wasn't always terribly agreeable, but it wasn't very often that she was filled with the blind fury that had consumed her two days before. She wasn't sure if she was ready to let go of her anger. But she knew the toll a rift with James would take on Harry and Sirius. Tentatively, Lily turned around.

"I realize that I didn't behave very well on Wednesday," she began in a low voice, "but that was a very big thing for you to keep from us, James."

"I understand that," he said, shifting Harry, "but _you_ have to understand that she was already gone by the time I found out. Nothing could have come out of my telling you."

"Except that I would have known she was my sister."

"What difference does it make now? She'll never know."

"James, you have to understand," Lily stepped forward to grip the back of the sofa. "She may have died before any of us knew who she was, but Vanessa was still my sister. Had you told me sooner I could have mourned her as such. But I didn't know then, so I have to do it now."

They were quiet for a time. Harry finished his bottled and fell into the deep sleep of babes. The wind howled and the candle burned low.

"I'm sorry," James finally, softly said. "I just didn't want there to be anymore grief. I'm so tired of grief, Lily."

How was she to do anything but mollify? All James had ever really done was look after her, after all. And hadn't she kept Vanessa a secret from Petunia the day before, just as James had kept her from Lily? But even given that, there were still matters that had to be settled between them.

"What I still don't get," she whispered, "is why you and Sirius have been so determined that I be Harry's mother. Sirius I can understand; he had no more knowledge of Vanessa than I did, and he's been trying for so long to make up for…well, what happened." She had to pause and swallow. Would the pain never cease? "But why were you so adamant when you knew I was his aunt? Why wasn't that enough?"

James straightened his glasses and sighed. "Why are you asking me this, Lily? You already know. He's yours, too."

"Not really. Not in the right way."

"Maybe not." He readjusted the sleeping infant and leaned forward ever so slightly. "But Lily, I am a selfish man, and I want my son to have everything. He deserves everything, especially a mother. He needed you, Lily, needs you, and I was prepared to pressure you into it no matter what it took. The two of you were made for each other, Lily. Maybe this makes me a bad person, but I really just don't care anymore."

They were silent again after that. So many thoughts started and stopped in Lily's mind, she couldn't bear to focus on one. She simply stood there gripping the sofa, trying to think of what to say.

Then James suddenly, helplessly whispered, "I'm sorry."

Lily's heart broke. She skirted around the furniture to lean over him and wrap her arms around his neck. Harry sleeping on his lap meant that she couldn't hug James properly, so Lily simply pressed her cheek against his.

"Oh, James, I'm sorry. I've been so hard on you, I always have. I haven't been acting very grown up lately."

"You're doing just fine, Lily."

"Please forgive me," she whispered.

James pulled an arm out from under Harry to squeeze her waist. "Always."

Lily closed her eyes very tightly. She knew she didn't deserve his pardon; she never had appreciated him like she ought to have. She kissed his cheek and straightened up, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. Suddenly she felt so cold and tired.

"Well, that's enough soul-bearing for the night, I think," she said, trying her best to end on a bright note. James granted her a consolatory chuckle in return. "And as you've got Harry squared away, I think I'll go back to bed. Are you coming up, too?"

James shook his head. "No, I think I'll stay down here with him for a bit longer." He returned his arm to where it had been under Harry and cradled his son closer. Lily suddenly felt that she was intruding on something very private.

As she climbed the stairs to return to her and Sirius' room, each step seemed to exhaust her more than the last so that she all but stumbled into the bedroom once she reached the end of the hall. Her heart was the most tired of all. The house shook once again under the strain of another great gust of wind as she closed the door.

Sirius was lying exactly where she had left him, but he was staring up at her when she turned around. His eyes gleamed where the streaks of moonlight passed across his face.

She wound her arms around herself. "How much of that did you hear?"

He untangled an arm from under the sheets and held it out to her. "Come here."

Lily crawled into bed beside him, pressing herself flat against his body and burying her face in the curve of his neck. His breathing was slow and rhythmic, as though he could fall asleep at any moment. Sirius wrapped his arm firmly around her. "I'm proud of you," he murmured, the vibrations from his throat tickling her nose.

"I'm sorry to you, too," Lily whispered. "I haven't been very good to you either."

His hand rubbed up and down her back. "I was never upset with you, love. Believe me, I understand. It's just that I also realize that we haven't the time to quarrel like this. We've got to be on each other's sides."

Lily looked up at him, studying the hard lines of his face. She really was very lucky, she decided, to have such wonderful men in her life. They made up for whatever failings her family had had.

Sirius, she realized, had fallen asleep once again. She pressed a feather-light kiss to the underside of his chin and brought her hands up to rest against his chest. Lily closed her eyes and breathed in and out once, twice, and then fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

_First off, please allow me to make my utmost apologies. Eight months is an atrociously long time to wait to update. I have a plethora of excuses as to why this happened, but I really don't think any of you would care to read of them. I certainly wouldn't care to relive all of them. Suffice it to say I am terribly embarrassed and would like to thank those of you who have held on for so long. I am so grateful for all of you. I wish I could promise that a gap like this will never happen again, but as maddenly frazzled as my life has been these last months I don't think I can say in good conscience that a new chapter will be coming soon. Sorry. But the chapters will definitely keep coming. I said it before and I'll say it again: I will never abandon this fic._

_Also, I'm sorry that you all waited so long for what is essentially a filler chapter. This wasn't even in the outline; I just suddenly thought there ought to be a better conclusion to the Lily-James-Vanessa issue. Regardless, I hope you all enjoyed it. The next chapter will really carry the plot along though, I swear._

_This chapter's title is _Little Talks_ by Of Monsters and Men. Did you know they're Icelandic?_

_As I said before, I am terribly sorry for make all you lovely readers wait so long for this chapter, and as such I would like to give you all a gift. It's a bit of a non-spoiler; even though there are only three chapters left, I'm going to pull a Jo and reveal the last word of the last chapter. And unlike Jo, I'm not going to change it in editing. Are you ready...The last word will be, _"Lily." _Not too much of a giveaway, but I would like you all to bear it in mind as you read what's to come._

_'Til Next Time!_


	38. Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

**Diclaimer: If I did own Harry Potter, I would have had enough time to finish this sucker years ago.**

* * *

Dumbledore came and went the following morning. The spell to cast the Fidelius Charm was horribly complex and draining, but the Headmaster seemed convinced that they could manage. All three adults had been exhausted after Dumbledore had left – as he wasn't the Secret Keeper, he couldn't be present when the actual charm was cast – so they had decided to wait until after dinner to cast the spell. James would be performing the brunt of the magic, so he had gone off to rest after the meal had finished. Lily had taken Harry off for bed, leaving Sirius with the dishes. Not that he minded; he needed the time to straighten out his thoughts.

More and more since Dumbledore had first come to them, Sirius had felt that something was wrong with their plan. It was certainly their best course of action, but that also made it the most predictable. He hated that they were doing exactly as Voldemort would expect them to; it made it all the easier for him to get around the Fidelius, if such a thing was possible. If anyone could find a hole in the most powerful protective spell known to wizards, it was him.

There had to some other thing they could do, one more barrier they could place before the Dark Lord. James and Lily were doing all they could; it was them he was gunning for, after all. Their only duty was to let the spell work its magic and protect them and their boy. But surely there was more Sirius could be doing to keep his family safe.

It was a given that he would be the Secret Keeper. He was the only member of the family that was not being directly targeted, and there was absolutely nothing the Death Eaters could do that would make him give the others up. But even that didn't seem to be enough. Who knew what would happen if he were captured and killed? No, too much lay in hoping that Voldemort didn't act on the obvious. But what to do?

James stuck his head in as Sirius finished drying the last dish. "Sirius? Mate, it's time."

As he put the plate away, Sirius realized he couldn't be the Secret Keeper.

James put his arm around Sirius as they exited the kitchen. All the while Sirius' mind was racing. Of course they would need to bring in a second party to be the Secret Keeper. Voldemort himself trusted no one; it would never occur to him that they would turn to someone outside the family. It was perfect. But who could they ask to help them? Who could they burden with safeguarding them?

Lily was leaning over Harry's crib when James led her husband into the nursery, her dark red hair cascading over her shoulder. Merlin, but she was beautiful. She glanced up at them, her eyes meeting Sirius' over the railing of Harry's crib. They were grim but determined. She closed them and reached into the crib to grasp the sleeping infant's hand.

James drew his wand and walked over to the two of them. He took both of their hands in his. Lily looked up at Sirius expectantly.

He needed more time to think. They couldn't put off casting the spell much longer, but the other three would be all the safer with someone else. If only he could think of someone they could trust implicitly…

"Sirius," James said quietly.

Lily looked at him with worried eyes. "Darling, what is it?"

He looked between the two of them, these two people he loved more than anyone before them. He looked at their son, who was very nearly his son as well. He would give them anything, even his life.

"I'm sorry. I can't do it."

"What?" James nearly cried, as Lily breathed an, "Oh, thank God!" She ran around the crib and threw herself into Sirius' arms. "Thank God," she said again for good measure.

James was less enthusiastic. "Sirius, what are you talking about? We've got to get this over with."

"I know that, James," he replied as he wrapped his arms around Lily. "But I'm not the man for this."

"We trust you more than anyone. You're our family, Padfoot."

"Exactly. Voldemort'll reckon I'm the Secret Keeper and come after me. The Fidelius will protect you three and the house, but I'll be fair game and I can't defend you three if I'm dead. It needs to be someone he'd never suspect."

"Who could we ask?"

"That's what I've been trying to figure out."

"Sirius, the longer we wait the more vulnerable we are. We've wasted enough time as it is. We've given him a three day head start on us."

"I know that, James. Help me think."

"Sirius?" He looked down at his wife, who had tilted her head up from where it lay against his chest to meet his eyes. God, how he would die for her. "If you're not the Secret Keeper, then what will happen to you after we've done the charm? Will you be hidden, too?"

He swallowed and tried his best to keep his face from falling. "No, Lily. It can't work like that. Not if we want to keep Harry as safe as possible. I'll have to make it look like I'm protecting the three of you after all."

She stepped back from him, her little hands gripping his upper arms the way a hippogriff clutches its prey between its talons. A blazing gleam shown in her emerald eyes. Ah, here was the girl he had married.

"I knew it," she all but hissed. "I knew you would try to pull some noble crap."

"It makes more sense this way, Lil."

"I don't care. You are not going out there like some kind of martyr because you think it's your job to sacrifice yourself for us."

It was his job, but he didn't dare say that to her. It would be the cruelest thing he ever did to willfully convince his wife that he might very well make her a widow before everything was said and done.

"These are all moot points," James piped up, "because we've got no one else to stand up for us. Unless we come up with someone tonight, we're going to have to go ahead with the original plan."

Lily glared at the both of them. Sirius felt for her; she was forced to either stand back while he made himself a blatant target in the name of their family's safety or allow him to continue to put himself at risk while saddling someone else with their liability. She had put up with it for so long when he had been training as an Auror. Lily had been so strong for all of this, and while he hated not being able to ensure their future together, he could at least make sure she had one.

But who could they turn to? Merlin, what had happened to all their friends, their comrades?

That was it – comrades. Who had always been by their side no matter what? Who had they trusted even before they had joined the Order?

"Peter."

"Peter?" James' face contorted. "I know he's our friend, but really, Sirius."

"But that's it exactly!" Sirius almost couldn't see straight, he was so overwhelmed at the brilliance of it. "Peter would make for a terrible Secret Keeper."

"Sirius, what are you talking about?" Lily's nose crinkled as she tried to make sense of him. "I don't understand; why is it great that Peter's not an option?"

"Because that makes him the best option!"

"Wha—" James' expression transformed into one of epiphany. "Oh! Oh, I see. Padfoot, you're a genius."

"What are you two on about?" Lily looked between the two of them, utterly bewildered.

Sirius grasped her by the upper arms. "Don't you see, Lil? No one would ever pick Wormtail to be their Secret Keeper. Not when they had wizard like me ready and willing to do it. _No one would think to pick him_."

Her green eyes widened. "Oh, you're right. And he wouldn't even be a target. Voldemort would never entertain the idea that we would ask a – forgive me, you know I adore him – but a subpar wizard to keep us safe. You're right, it's brilliant."

"This could actually work," James said, rubbing his hands together.

"But could we really ask him to do this?" Sirius suddenly wondered aloud. "I mean, is it right for us to ask our friend to put himself in even more danger just so that we can be safe?"

"It's not just about the three of us," James answered. "If it were, I would be ashamed to pull Wormtail into this kind of trouble. But this is about Harry more than anything else, and there isn't anything we won't do to keep him safe."

Sirius looked to Lily, whose arms he still held. She nodded her affirmation. "I agree. If this is what will protect Harry best, then we have to do it."

It was a sign of the times to be sure, but Sirius was glad for their support in figuratively throwing their oldest friend to the wolves. "Alright," he said. "We'll ask him. I'll ask him now, even."

James stepped forward to shake his hand and clasp his shoulder. "Thank you, Padfoot. Be careful out there."

Sirius spared a glance at the sleeping baby before leaving the room. Lily followed behind him down the stairs, finally reaching out to grip his elbow when he reached the back door.

"Sirius," she breathed, "what will you do? Once Peter's the Secret Keeper, I mean. If I know you, Sir, you've got some terribly valiant and ridiculous plan."

He signed and ran his hand through his now dreadfully long hair. "You're not going to like it, Lil."

"No, I don't think I will."

He took her by the shoulders again, briefly moving to cup her cheeks before resting his hands on the curves of her arms. "Voldemort is going to think you've used me, right? So he'll try to hunt me down."

"That's what I don't understand, though. How can he hurt you if you're here with us the whole time? Isn't that the point of all this?"

He sighed again and pulled her closer. "I'm going to have to lead him on, Lily. For Peter's sake and only enough so that Voldemort'll think he has a chance of getting me."

Her eyes took a loathsome gleam. "I am not okay with this. Not in the least."

He squeezed her arms. "It wouldn't be very often that I'd go out. I'll have to keep an eye on Peter anyhow; I'll just make an appearance somewhere very populous while I'm away."

Lily moved even closer to rest her head against his chest. He wound his arms around her once again. When had she gotten so sickeningly thin?

"I still don't like this. I've always hated it when you went out courting trouble."

Sirius snorted and traced the edge of her jaw with the tips of his fingers. "But I always came out alright on the other side." He sobered and took her face in his hands, pushing her back to look into her eyes. "I've got to get going, Lil." He kissed her softly. "I'll be home soon."

"I'll be waiting."

He kissed her once more and left. On the back steps he was quick to transform into the large, now rather shaggy black dog and ran off into the woods. Ah, he had forgotten how refreshing it was to think and feel as a hound, what with the wind blowing through his fur and the hard earth beneath his paws.

Precisely one-quarter mile northeast of the shed in which he kept his flying motorcycle, the designated Apparation spot, Sirius returned to his human form and hurriedly Apparated to the corresponding place on Wormtail's fire escape. He rapped on the windowsill four times with his wand and whispered the password, _Animagus_, and crawled in through the bathroom window.

The wards had been set up on Peter's mother's apartment months before, when he had once again moved back in with her. That, however, was not enough of a reassurance for Sirius to lower his wand as he entered the living room. Mrs. Pettigrew was asleep in an armchair, a quarter of a bottle of sherry and a muted television in front of her. It was funny; for a woman who disliked Muggles as much as she, Peter's mother sure did live like one.

Sirius looked up when Peter entered from the kitchen. Both raised their wands to each other and went through the passphrase formalities before engaging in a brief hug.

"Padfoot, what are you doing here?" Peter squeaked.

Sirius leaned down to grip his friend's shoulders, more sternly than he had just done with his wife. "Wormtail, what would you do to help me protect my family?"

"What?"

"What would you be willing to do to keep Lily, Harry, and James safe?"

"Well," Peter paused to think very briefly. "Well, Sirius, I guess I would do just about anything."

Sirius' stomach turned. Poor Peter was so trusting, so eager. It was almost too cruel to ask him, but they really had no choice. Wormtail was their safest option.

So Sirius asked him, explained the Fidelius and all the uncertainty that came with it, explained how both men would be putting themselves at risk. He assured his friend that he would protect him, and finally Wormtail agreed.

They left his mother where she was and Apparated together from the fire escape. Once in the woods, they both changed into their Animagus forms. Wormatil scurried off in the direction of the house, while Padfoot remained curled up in the shadow of a tree.

Sirius was grateful he able to spend the time that followed in a dog's state of mind. A dog could be anxious or afraid to be sure, but it wasn't the tempestuous muddle that Sirius had become accustomed to feeling as a man. Time was vaguer as well, meaning that Sirius had no clue as to how long Wormtail had been away. From one minute to the next, Peter had been gone for ages or only just left. It was nerve-racking, but manageable.

Finally, Sirius heard the telltale signs of a rat scampering through the brush, and just as he stood up and walked to the Apparation spot Wormtail appeared from behind a tree.

"Hello, Padfoot," he said and held up a slip of parchment as Sirius transformed back into a man. "James told me I should write this up for you."

Sirius looked at the note, which read:

_James and Harry Potter and Lily Black can be found at #7 Lyon Rd., Godric's Hollow_

and promptly burned it with his wand. He turned to Wormtail and grasped his hand firmly.

"Peter, I can never thank you enough. I know we haven't always treated you fairly, magic-wise, you know, but, Wormtail, you've bloody well saved us."

Peter shrugged uncomfortably. "You'd do the same for me."

"Yes, I would. But you didn't ask this of me; I brought it upon you. So thank you, Peter. I am in your debt."

Wormtail looked stranger still. He patted Sirius on the shoulder and stepped back. "I should go," he said. "I need to be back by the time my mum wakes up."

Sirius thanked him again, shook his hand, and watched as he disappeared from sight. Turning on his heels, he changed back into the dog and raced back to the house. Initially, there was no house to be found. He doubled back to the edge of the woods and returned to see the house materializing before him. Interesting. He ran to the back stoop and became a man once more.

Lily flung the door open before him and threw her arms around him. He walked them both into the kitchen and shut the door behind them with his foot, his arms never leaving her. They stood there for a while, Sirius breathing heavily from the run and Lily shaking. After several minutes, she took his hand and led him into the living room, where an open bottle of firewhiskey sat on the coffee table. Gracious, they must have been freaked out, considering Lily had hidden all the alcohol right after Vanessa had died.

She curled into a sofa cushion like a cat as he took a generous gulp from the bottle. "James is upstairs with Harry," she whispered as the last of the fire trickled down his throat. "He's so tired."

Sirius looked down at his wife. She appeared gaunt and lifeless, as though all the energy had been sucked from her body. There was a waxen look about her face that he hadn't seen since right after the battle at the Ministry. Her eyes stared up at him, steadfast yet uncertain. The spell had been hard on her, too.

He sunk down heavily beside her and wrapped an arm around her trembling shoulders. Lily uncurled enough to wind an arm and a leg around his body. She buried her face against the side of his shirt.

"What now?" she asked as he worked his free hand through her hair.

"Now we wait."

* * *

_Hello again. I'm rather proud of this two week turnaround, if I do say so myself. We're barreling towards the end now, so I how you all will enjoy how plotty these last few chapters will be. I'm sorry Peter's not in this one more, but any conversation he had with Sirius would have just been a rehash of the ones at the beginning of the chapter. Still, I hope I got everyone's opinions of him right. _

_The chapter title is _I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For _by, of course, U2. Or rather, it would be if FFN would grant me the space to include the _I_. Our relationship still does, occasionally, have its problems. Hopefully we'll be able to get through them._

_On another note, this fic has now passed one-hundred-thousand words! I consider this a milestone, so I would like to thank all of you, my dear readers, for sticking around for this admittedly long ride. I really did think I would have had this thing finished at least a year ago, but I'm going to have ask all of you to hold on for just a little while longer. We're almost there, I promise._

_Thank you for the review last chapter. I say review because there was just the one. I don't mean to sound snippy or passive aggressive, but at this point in the game, with so many readers, I would like to think that you all are capable of more feedback than that. So please review. I would very much like to break 200 before the end._

_'Til Next Time!_


	39. Gone Away from Me

**Disclaimer: I own no part of Harry Potter, though parts of this chapter borrow heavily from the first and third novels. Any replications of Rowling's texts are unintentional and entirely my fault, so don't call the lawyers just yet.**

* * *

Sirius marveled at the audacity of Muggles. Granted, seldom few children had passed their hidden house that night, but he still had to question the wisdom of dressing one's child up as a fearsome monster. The Muggles might not know that the creatures and beings they costumed their children as were more real than they could ever imagine, but surely they knew of what happened when one spoke of the devil.

He shook his head and turned away from the window, carefully balancing his drowsy godson against his chest. Harry was up much later than usual, but then again so were the adults. They were waiting for later into the night, when Sirius would go for his random check in with Peter; he'd chosen Halloween for old times' sake.

Harry snuggled closer to Sirius, gripping his shirtfront tightly with his little fists. It was remarkable, all the things he could do now: walk, talk, fly, though Lily wasn't very happy about that part. And the older he got, the more he resembled James. One day soon they would all wake up to find him a little boy rather than a baby.

Sirius walked the baby back and forth around the living room. He could hear his wife singing softly as she dried dishes in the kitchen. James' footsteps echoed down from the floor above. Harry yawned languidly. Sirius couldn't imagine a better life, even if it was lived in hiding.

James came down the stairs just as Lily's singing stopped. "Sirius, don't you need to be going?" he asked.

Sirius looked up at the grandfather clock illuminated by the faint glow filtering in from the street. Living in an invisible house meant not having to close the curtains. "Oh, I guess you're right. Have Harry."

They transferred the baby as Lily came in. "You're going?" she questioned.

He nodded. When Harry had been successfully detangled from Sirius' shirt, she moved to wrap her arms around his neck. "How long will you be gone?"

His arms went around her waist. "Shouldn't be more than an hour or two. Depends on what mood his mother's in."

She stroked her fingers up and down the back of his neck, making his spine shiver. "Still, I worry with you out there."

"It's just to Wormtail's and back. I do this every month."

"I know. And it's probably ridiculous of me – I mean, it's simple really – but still, I worry that something bad will happen."

He kissed the tip of her nose. "Everything is going to be fine. You know everything is going to be fine. We've taken every precaution; I'm even thinking of taking the bike out tonight."

"You know I don't like that thing."

He chuckled and held her tighter. "There's nothing wrong with it and you know it. Now, stop your worrying. It'll all work out the way it's supposed to in the end."

She sighed and leaned her head against his neck. "You're right. I know you're right. I just don't think I'll be able to relax until you're back."

"Don't," he whispered.

"Can't help it," she whispered back.

Sirius kept her close for a moment longer before pulling back slightly. "I've got to go. They'll think something's happened."

"Especially with you on that bike."

He kissed her and pulled away.

"Stay safe, Padfoot," James called from upstairs.

"I will."

Lily gave him one last smile as he opened the back door. He turned to look at her as he closed the door. "Stop making that face, Lil. You'll see me in a little bit."

This process of visiting in on Peter had become almost routine: kiss Lily goodbye, run to the shed as the dog, discretely fly the motorbike to Peter's, check up on Peter, fly home, creep back into the house, hold Lily close until morning. Easy enough in theory and execution, as well as highly unlikely to attract attention so long as he had adequate cloud cover. He still had to be alert, of course, but as he rode the bike higher and higher Sirius couldn't find it in him to fret as his wife had.

It was better than any broom ever made, the bike was. The hum of the engine beneath him made flying all the more exhilarating. A part of Sirius felt incredibly guilty for being out for a ride when Lily and James hadn't stepped outside the house since February, but the other part knew that it helped him retain his sanity. Besides, with the wind tearing through his hair and the moonlight gracing his face, it was hard to care much about his troubles.

Mrs. Pettigrew's building was, thankfully, much taller than those around it, so Sirius was able to dip down from the clouds and park with relatively little fear of being seen. Going down the fire escape carried the risk of being surprised, but from the roof there was no other way in. He moved gingerly, trying his best not to rattle the rusted thing.

After easing down several flights, Sirius arrived at the window of the Pettigrew's flat. They had changed the code after the Fidelius, so Sirius administered the correct knock sequence on the pane and stood back to wait. Several moments passed, so he tried again. Still, no response. So he tried again. After several more minutes, the awful realization hit him.

No one was coming.

Something wasn't right. Something most definitely was not right. They had made the window _Alohomora_ proof, so Sirius blasted through it in his haste to get inside. The glass crunched beneath his feet as he hurtled into the bathroom and took in his surroundings. The counter was bare, and the towels were missing from the shelf.

"Peter?" Sirius called into the flat as he crept into the living room, wand at the ready. But again no one responded.

Something was off in that room as well, and after a minute Sirius realized that Mrs. Pettigrew's impressive collection of photographs of her son was missing. No, something was not right at all. He hurried into the nearest bedroom only to be met with the sight of empty drawers protruding from their slots and a bed stripped of sheets.

They had left in a hurry.

Sirius stumbled back from the bedroom. Something was wrong. Something was terribly, horribly _wrong_, and he needed to get to his family.

He was halfway out the window when he realized he needed to take the bike. They couldn't Apparate with a child as small as Harry, and since their Floo had been shut off their only other options consisted of the bike and running for it. They'd never make it on foot.

This time he didn't bother keeping quiet on the fire escape.

The ride back was one of sheer, unadulterated terror. Sirius' knuckles were white on the handlebars. _They'll be alright_, he promised himself. _They have to be alright_. He repeated the mantra over and over, willing the bike to fly faster.

He saw the smoke just as the bike sped over the first trees of their woods. His stomach dropped. Ice ran through his veins. And Sirius prayed, prayed harder than he had ever before. Harder than when the Potters' house was burning down around him. Harder than when Lily had lost their son. Harder than when she and Vanessa had been buried in the rubble.

When he got close enough to see that had the house had been blown off, he knew his prayers would go unanswered.

The bike dipped dangerously as Sirius let out a howl of anguish. He only just managed to avoid crashing the bike as it slammed into the dewy grass of their lawn. He didn't care. He had to get to them, had to see for himself what had become of them.

The house was blanketed in smoke, but Sirius could make out a gaping hole in the roof, just where Harry's nursery should be. Sirius' knees suddenly collided with the ground, his shaking body unable to keep itself upright. Sobs barreled out from his soul.

He had been too late.

Sirius pressed his face into the grass and wept. He had failed them, failed his family. He hadn't been quick enough, and now they were gone. All of them. Now, Sirius prayed for God to take him, too.

How long he lay there he would never know, but a sudden movement from the front door sent him surging to his feet. He held his wand before him, ready for whatever came at him. But an attack never materialized.

"Sirius?" a gruff voice called through the haze. The dark shape grew ever closer. "That ye, Sirius?"

Hagrid, Sirius suddenly realized. So that meant Dumbledore knew. Good.

"Hagrid!" he called. "Hagrid!"

"Sirius!" He grew closer and closer, but Sirius simply couldn't force himself to move closer to the wreckage. Not yet. It wasn't until the other man was almost to him that Sirius heard the shrill shrieks coming from somewhere near Hagrid's chest. He could see that the gamekeeper cradled something in his arms. Harry.

Dear Merlin, Harry. Harry was alive. Such joy and grief should never exist simultaneously, yet Sirius felt them both.

"Give him to me, Hagrid," he pled holding out his arms. "Let me have him."

Hagrid was finally close enough that Sirius could detect the uncertainty in his beetle-black eyes. He looked around wildly, and Sirius was suddenly thankful that all the Muggles had gone home. "Dumbledore sent me, Sirius. Told me to bring 'Arry straight to 'em. That 'e'd take 'em somewhere with protection."

"But he's my godson," Sirius begged uncomprehendingly. "Please, Hagrid, he belongs with me. He needs me. Please."

Hagrid shook his head. "Dumbledore told me, Sirius. Told me 'e'd be safest there. I've got to take 'em."

Sirius' arms dropped and his head shook convulsively as he tried his best to think clearly. Harry was still in danger, and Sirius had nowhere to take him, no one to trust except Dumbledore. And Dumbledore knew where to keep him safest. Everything in him screamed to go with them, to wrap his arms around Harry and never let go, but Sirius knew he couldn't leave the house, not yet.

"You're really Hagrid, then?" he asked weakly.

The larger man nodded. "Me umbrella's more than just me umbrella."

Sirius felt boneless and useless and utterly miserable. "Alright," he acquiesced, "alright. Take my bike; he'll travel easier in it."

"Yer sure?"

Sirius nodded. "I don't need it anymore. Just let me hold him first. Just for a minute."

The uncertainty was back. "I don't know. Dumbledore said —"

"Just for a moment, Hagrid," he begged brokenly. "Please."

"Alright," Hagrid agreed waveringly. "But just for a mo' now, ye hear?"

He held the still screaming infant out to Sirius. Little Harry's forehead was caked with dried blood. Sirius wrenched him into his arms and held him tighter than he ever had. Harry buried his face into his godfather's neck and wailed.

"I'm sorry," Sirius whispered again and again. "I'm so sorry, Harry. So sorry."

Hagrid blew his nose into a massive handkerchief as Harry's cries finally began to subside. "I've got to take 'em, Sirius."

Sirius' heart sunk, but he knew it was for the best. He pushed Harry back a bit to look at his little face. Most of the blood had rub off onto Sirius' collar, revealing a hideously jagged scar. _And the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal_. Merlin help him.

"I'll come for you, kid. No matter what happens, I will always come for you. Promise."

The other man held out his sturdy arms. Sirius kissed Harry atop his messy-haired head. "I love you, baby." Reluctantly, he handed him over.

"Be careful," he warned as Hagrid mounted the bike. "Don't take any unnecessary risks."

Hagrid turned back to him, his eyes brimming with tears. "I wish ye wouldn't go in there, Sirius. I wish ye wouldn't see it."

Sirius said nothing. He simply raised his hand in farewell. And they were gone. The absence of his godson made Sirius physically ache, but he knew he could do nothing, be good to no one, until he saw them. Slowly, he turned back to the ruined house.

It was the longest walk of his life. Every step felt one step closer to his own undoing as he made his way through the haze. He wasn't aware of where exactly he was until he stood at the entry of his smoking living room.

He saw him instantly through the clearing air, his body thrown haphazardly against the sofa. His glasses were broken against his face. His eyes were wide, staring straight ahead into something beyond this world.

James.

Sirius stumbled toward his friend, his brother, and crumpled at his feet. He leaned against James' leg and sobbed, apologies streaming from his lips. He sat there for ages, pleading with the ghost of his friend until he could at least sit up.

It looked as though James had been thrown across the room in the explosion. With shaking hands, Sirius sat him upright as best he could. He deserved that small dignity, at least. Sirius removed his glasses so that he could wipe his hand down James' face, closing his eyes. He smiled grimly as he replaced the spectacles.

"There."

He reached up to grasp his brother by the shoulders. "I'll do right by him," he vowed. "Like I couldn't do for you. I'll give him the kind of life you would want him to have."

Sirius stood and leaned down to kiss his friend's head as he had his son.

"I'm sorry."

He turned and began the trek up the stairs.

Grief pulled at his soul as he climbed higher. The nursery was at the top of the landing. He knew what that meant. Each step was heavier than the last; by the time he reached the top he was crawling on his hands and knees. He dragged himself across the floor into the ravaged room.

She had been thrown under the crib like rag doll, her hair spilling around her. Sirius let out the scream of a feral animal and fell against the floor. For the longest time he couldn't move for the pain of it all.

When he could breathe again, he crawled to her, taking her cold body in his arms. Her eyes were closed. The pain swelled again as he cradled her against his chest, burying his face in her hair one last time.

He rocked her back and forth, over and over again, his mind unable to understand anything other than that she was gone, that even as he held her in his arms he would never be with her again. He mourned for her, for their marriage. For all the things he would never tell her. For the places he would never take her. For the children they would never have. And then from the grief emerged a sudden clarity, an abrupt, terrible knowledge.

They had been betrayed.

After all this time, after everything they had been through, they had been betrayed. They had been sold as though they were nothing but pounds of flesh.

That dirty rat.

The rage gave Sirius a renewed strength. He pushed the hair away from Lily's face, his anger mingling with regret. There was nothing he could do for her now. She had always been beyond him, but now she was in a place he couldn't reach. Not yet. But he could avenge her.

He most certainly could not leave her on the debris-ridden floor. She deserved better than that. Ignoring the gaping hole in the roof, he picked her up as though she were weightless and carried her down the tall into their bedroom. Gently, he laid her on the bed and tucked the blankets in around her. She could have been an angel.

Sirius traced her face with the tips of his fingers, shuddering at how cold her skin was. Just a few hours ago she had been in his arms, so warm and alive. "I can't fix this, Lily Lou," he whispered. "I can't make this right. But I can do my best; I can bring him to justice. And I'l get Harry back, I'll raise him the way you would want me to. I swear to you, Lily, I swear on my life and our love that I will do what I can for him. I promise."

He kissed her then, the last time he ever would, and left, stumbling down the stairs and away from the house. He would be back, he thought. He would bury them like the heroes they were. But first he needed vengeance.

Peter would run, but he had no idea where to run to. Traitor though he was, Sirius realized Peter would try to hide where he thought no one would: the Muggle world. Given that Peter's knowledge of Muggles was pathetically limited, Sirius knew he would be attempting to lie low in Muggle London, the only place large enough for him to attempt to go undetected.

It was slow and quick at the same time, Apparating in and out of alleys around central London. Peter wouldn't know anywhere else to go, and he would try to make sure to stay around people; their side didn't take out civilians. Sirius' side, rather.

The hours trickled by anxiously, but they gave Sirius the time to form a semblance of a plan. He couldn't let Peter see him coming; the bastard would transform, and then Sirius would never get his hands on him, not in the city. No, he would have to sneak up on him, drag him off, and Apparate his ass somewhere. Hogsmeade, maybe. Dumbledore would be able to help him if he could get Peter to Hogwarts.

And then he could go to Harry.

And suddenly there he was, securing along Trafalgar Square toward Charing Cross with the morning pedestrians. Raw, boiling hatred such as Sirius had never known reared up within him as he spotted the rat slinking in and out of his line of sight, twitching his head around to check over his shoulders.

Never before had Sirius wanted to kill someone so desperately, to completely remove him from the earth. And he could do it, too, he thought wildly as he took his wand in his quivering hand. He could kill Peter. But Lily wouldn't want him to become a murderer, especially not on the day of her death. She would want him to be able to tell her son that he had been merciful and just.

So he would be.

Sirius stepped out from the sanctuary of the alley to join the downtrodden mass of Muggles, his eyes never leaving Peter's bobbing form. He hurried to get closer and closer to the traitor, hoping to grab him from behind, but Peter, though oblivious to him, managed to keep fifty feet ahead at all times. He followed no particular path, so Sirius had to dodge around, occasionally shoving people out of the way. Then, as he sprinted across a busy street to keep Peter in his line of sight, a car blared its horn at him, causing the walkers to look his way. Including Peter.

The sounds of the street faded away as Sirius locked eyes with the rat. All he could hear was the blood pounding in his ears as he raised his wand. Peter was still so far away. His mouth moved, but Sirius couldn't hear what he said. He hoped it was pleading.

Sirius ran, hurtling closer and closer, ready to tackle the traitor to the ground. Why didn't Peter move, though? He continued to speak, his own wand gripped in his hand. The fool had it pointed at the ground. Twenty feet away, Sirius finally caught a snatch of his speech.

"…you betray James and Lily?" he cried. "They were your friends!"

Sirius skidded to a halt, outraged. The insolence. He raised his wand and roared, "I'll kill you!"

He caught a brief glimpse of a mischievous glitter in Peter's eyes before the street exploded.

Sirius was sent soaring backward through the air, finally landing on the pavement with a painful crack. Smoke clouded his eyes and ringing screams filled his ears. After a moment sirens began to howl as Sirius realized exactly what Peter had done and why.

It all hit him then, suddenly: It was over. Everything and everyone he loved was gone. He had failed. _Forgive me_, he thought wildly. _Lily, forgive me. James, Harry. Remus, I'm sorry I doubted you_.

And to think that after everything it would be Peter that did it, Peter that deceived them all. Poor, pitiful Peter Pettigrew had ruined his life, robbed him of it for thirty pieces of silver. The weight of that knowledge pinned Sirius to the ground, leaving him with nothing.

So he laughed.

* * *

_I'm so sorry, but it had to be done._

_I'm also sorry that it took me two and half months to get this up, but I wanted to make sure I had the next chapter (the last) finished before I posted this one. I don't want you all to have to wait ages for it. It will be up on either the second or third of May._

_The title for this chapter is after _Gone Away from Me _by Ray LaMontagne._

_Thank you all so much for breaking two-hundred reviews! Each one of ya'll's encouragement and generosity has gotten me through so much, especially when it comes to writing this story. I hope you all will be satisfied by this and the next chapter._

_Til May!_


	40. All For A Woman

**Disclaimer: For the last time, no, I do not own a single thing. This epilogue does, however, contain a few direct quotes from _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_, so I apologize if that is in some way offensive.**

* * *

Sirius looked around at the forlorn children seated at his kitchen table. The Weasleys had finally stopped trying to attack him and moved on to glaring angrily at the table. He felt for them, he did, but they were old enough to appreciate the realities of war. Truth be told, Sirius felt that they had all behaved rather ungratefully the last several months. After everything that had happened with Gideon and Fabian, he would have thought Molly would have done a better job of preparing her children to face what their lives would become the moment they walked through his door.

The fact of the matter was, however, that Sirius truly did not care how the redheads behaved; he only had eyes for Harry. His little boy had grown up brave and frail at the same time. Lily's sister had obviously fallen through on her word. She hadn't loved her sister's son. Perhaps one day Sirius would repay her for that. When he was free….

Harry looked much too fragile. Even disregarding the nightmare, he was shockingly pale. And small. Neither James nor Vanessa had been exceptionally large people, but there was no reason for him to be so unhealthily undersized. What was the longest he had ever gone without food? Sirius was not altogether sure he wanted to know.

Occasionally, Harry would look his direction in a desperate sort of way. Sirius had been right; he'd gotten Lily's eyes. That knowledge made his heart leap and ache at the same time. He wanted to comfort him, to cradle him in his arms and soothe him as he had every night for those first twenty-one months, but Harry wouldn't thank him for putting on such a display in front of his friends. His friends who looked likely to mutiny at any moment at that.

Harry didn't know. That much had been made abundantly clear to Sirius when, two nights after escaping Azkaban, he had traveled as Snuffles to the cemetery in Godric's Hollow and saw _Potter_ following his wife's name on her gravestone. Even knowing what he now knew, Sirius was angry and confused

A lot of assumptions were made after Halloween. That was how Dumbledore had explained it to him, at least. The Wizarding World had assumed that James and Lily were married and Harry was their child. Petunia, never having known of her half-sister, had assumed that her nephew was in actuality Lily's son. And the handful of Sirius' friends and comrades that had survived, assuming him to be a traitor, had allowed the deception to unfold.

It had been better for Harry in the long run. Or at least that was what Remus had assured him that horrible night they had traded apologies back and forth like sips from a bottle in a paper bag. The boy had been able to grow up believing that his parents were teenage sweethearts never far from the other's side. That was better than the truth, Sirius supposed. Better for Harry to hold onto that fantasy than to know that the only reason his father had looked twice had his mother was to fuel his unconscious obsession with her sister. There was so little that Sirius had to offer his godson, the least he could do was allow him to hold onto that comforting notion.

Those that knew the truth were adamant that things remain the way they were. Dumbledore, of course, and Remus, too. Moody had taken the matter as a point of security. McGonagall, though she would never admit it, had wanted to spare the boy's feelings; Hagrid, if he was aware of the situation, probably felt the same. The Tonkses had never even made an attempt to approach Harry. If Wormtail had told his Dark Lord the truth of Harry's parentage, there was no evidence that Voldemort intended to act on it.

Frank and Alice couldn't so much as remember their own names, let alone which of their old school friends had had children with whom. Bless their souls. If any of the St. Mungo's staff that had treated Lily and Vanessa had put two and two together there was no sign of it. None of the wizards and witches they had gone to Hogwarts with had ever mentioned that they had been together, it seemed; they had all probably figured that a traitor like him couldn't have held onto a girl like Lily. Everyone, literally everyone, had been so desperate to spin the story into the happiest ending possible that they had refused to consider any alternative.

Perhaps one day he would tell him the truth, Sirius thought, gazing at Harry as the clock struck five. When he was older, maybe. Once the war was over. Maybe he would tell Harry when he had his own family, when he could understand what parents were willing to sacrifice for their children. Yes, maybe then.

He would never stop loving her, mourning her. He would never stop feeling her death-heavy body in his arms. Azkaban had taught him that.

Harry shifted in his seat so that the firelight struck his face just so. He really was the best of both of them. Sirius could tell. He had James' bravery and loyalty. He had Lily's grace and kindness. Sirius could even see Vanessa's purity of heart in him. No thanks to Sirius.

Harry moved again, and Sirius' heart caught in his throat. In the dark of the kitchen, Harry looked like he could have been his son.

He thought of Castor all the time. Almost as much as he thought of Lily. He would be almost a year older than Harry. Sixteen. His son would be sixteen. Sirius could almost see him in his mind's eye. Would he have Lily's eyes? Sirius liked to think so. Would he be brave and true like Harry? Would he be like Sirius? Would he be proud of his father? Sirius didn't know. He was ashamed at times to realize that he was jealous of the son he had never met, never held; Castor got to be with Lily now. Sirius still had half a lifetime to suffer through.

He should have done better. He should have tried harder. He should have stayed. He should have saved them…

And then Molly Weasley was bursting through the door and placating her children and promising that everything would be right in the end. Sirius found himself smiling and cooking breakfast and inviting everyone for Christmas. His voice sounded false to his own ears. He shrank away as his crypt of a kitchen took on an air of relief and joy.

This was the man he had become. Bitter at the world around him. Shut away in a rapidly deteriorating house. Harry deserved so much more than him. He'd have to start doing better.

Harry was at his elbow suddenly, his eyes gleaming urgently. "Sirius, could I have a word?" He glanced quickly at the Weasleys. "Err…_now_?"

Sirius let the boy lead him swiftly into the pantry. His shoulders were shaking, his steps too precise. Merlin, the boy was _scared_.

Sirius' stomach lurched. He was still a child. Or maybe somewhere in between. But he shouldn't have to carry such a weight. He shouldn't have to be spirited away from school in the dead of night for having a nightmare. He shouldn't be afraid of his friends overhearing his problems. He shouldn't have been forced into this life.

Harry was trembling, he could see. So scared. _Lily_, Sirius thought determinedly, _I'll do right by him now. I'll make good on my promise. I'll be the man you'd want me to be._

He reached down to grasp his godson firmly by the shoulders. "Harry, whatever it is, you can tell me. I'm here for you."

Harry relaxed slightly, his body slumping. The line of light filtering through the cracked door fell across his face, across his emerald eyes.

Oh, _Lily._

* * *

_Four years, nine months, and one day later, I've finally made good on my word. I hope you've enjoyed it. I hope it's meant a fraction as much to you as it has to me._

_Very quickly, the title of the chapter is after _All For A Woman_ by The Airborne Toxic Event, my favorite band. They're newest album came out on Tuesday; I suggest all of you at least listen to it. They really do deserve all the good things that have come their way over the last five years._

_Writing this story has gotten me through some of the most tumultuous time of my life: failed marriages, sick grandmothers, cross-country moves, drug addicts, diplomas, careers, publications. _Better Man_ has seen me through all of it. And I want to thank each every one of you who read it, who struggled with me with it to the end, for your support. I am the better because of it._

_Thank you,_

_Love always,_

_BM_


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